Matter of Fact Landscape Artist of The Year 2015

[DangledTeeth]

Intro Music



Frank Skinner: Hello. And welcome to Landscape Artist of The Year 2015.

Joan Bakewell: Eight artists are here today to demonstrate their skills by painting a landscape in mediums of their choice for the scrutiny of three discerning judges.

Frank: The judges are Tai Shan Shinpadburgers - Joint winner of the BP Portrait Award 1989



Joan: Kate Bryan - Head of an art museum or something and wandering sexpot.



Frank: And Kathleen Soriano - Unhinged shit-slinger and all-round mouth-error ponce.



Joan: Our eight artists are on the riverbank of the Thames, where they shall produce a depiction of Tower Bridge.

Frank: They have four hours to complete their paintings.

Montage Music

Joan: Artists, you have no ffffucking minutes left! Put your painting instruments down.

Frank: The judges are going to observe each of the eight artworks and decide on which will go to the top three heat. And the artist selected out of the heat will progress to the semi-final.

Int. Empty Restaurant Space



Tai: Oh! That's quite startling. Very expressive. I enjoyed watching this develop.

Kate: Yes. I like that it has an element of graffiti; it bolsters the scene of an urban environment.

Tai: Yes.

Kathleen: It's very charming and lyrical. It's conceptually outstanding and sterile in its majesty. I really like it.



Kate: This has a very distinct pointillist style. I find it very enthralling.

Tai: It has a kind of illustrative grubby quality to it.

Kathleen: It's completely wonderful. The garishness of the bus draws you towards a deconstruction of style versus emotion.



Tai: Now this painting is really lovely. He's turned a gloomy scene into something quite engaging.

Kate: Yes, although I'm concerned it's too academic.

Kathleen: I agree with you, Kate. It has a photographic quality to it, but it's lost in a lack of cohesive expression, uninviting in its meticulous self-indulgence and thus loses a sense of experience of the day.



Kathleen: Oh wow! I was a little concerned when this started, but it's developed into an astounding comprehension of depth and spacial awareness.

Tai: Yeah. It's quite a funny geometric Cubist piece.

Kate: It's effortlessly bold.



Kathleen: Oh... OH! It's magnificent. The pictorial narrative of the scene is overwhelming and seductive. I wasn't sure about who could win the final, but I sincerely feel that this could be it.

Tai: He started off using several materials and gave up on his large canvas, then he decided to work on A6 cartridge paper.

Kate: It's a really clever example of how you can condense colour of the brickwork onto such a tight area.



Tai: I find the jagged lines very inviting. It's hypnotic. It would be much better if he had more time to complete it.

Kathleen: This truly caught my attention. It's a sterling example of how loose lines can accentuate the spirit of architecture. Yeah, I adore this one.

Kate: It doesn't quite work for me, but I admired the direction it was going in to begin with.



Kate: The composition is strong. Quite surprising for an acrylic painting.

Tai: Yeah, it was quite an interesting brush she used to represent this scene.

Kathleen: The use of typography to minimally indicate the sea is genius. Leaving the canvas white to pinpoint the endless void of the sky is something to behold - a tremendous contender.



Tai: Yeaaaah. It's beautiful in its use of colour, but it's too close-up for my liking.

Kate: It is a bit shit.

Kathleen: It's a step in the right direction, and I'm adamant he'll employ a memorable use of language when he further develops his style.

Advert Ditty

Frank: The three artists selected for the heat are... Eugene Giveaway

Joan: Nebula Gallant

Frank: And Hymen Obligatory

Crowd: CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!



Frank: The judges have made their decision, and the artist going through to the semi-finals for (reading aloud from a card) 'tirelessly working to create a realistic depiction of Tower Bridge by deftly using his medium to demonstrate an understanding of harmony and structure'. And that artist is... Nebula Gallant.



End Theme

[BlodwynPig]

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