Oh Go on Then. More Derek in the MoF DEREK Thread

[DangledTeeth]

Start Theme

Int. Broadhill

Derek has a pet chinchilla called Percival - but it's not kept in a cage

Derek: Hannahs, Hannahs.

Hannah: Yes, Derek?

Derek: Chinchillas are greats, aren't theys?

Kev: So is clunge, mate. Clungechilla. (Pulls a rictus at the camera)

Hannah: Yes. It's a furry bundle of fun.

Kev: I would say the same about your cunt, but I have not inserted my willycock into it... yet. (Pulls a rictus at the camera)

Hannah: Don't be so crude, Kev. We've got a couple of inspectors coming around. Our demeanour and the ethos of Broadhill is going to
be scrutinised by this duo in order to determine if we'll stay open.

Kev: Hettie's arsehole is always open for inspection, I can tell you.

Derek: Percy's run away! Percy's run away!

A gravelly screech is heard outside followed by a distinct squeak

Ext. Broadhill

The inspectors pulled up in a car and have accidentally flattened Derek's pet

Derek: NOOOO! They's killed Percy the Chinthingy.

Inspector 1: Oh! I'm terribly sorry!

Kev: Looks like an explosion inside a bubblegum factory that's located inside a fanny. (Pulls a rictus at the camera)

Hannah: Derek, you can have the day off, and take Kev with you.

Kev: Derek can have the day off, but he can't have it off with me. I like pussy, mate. (Pulls a rictus at the camera)

Int. Derek's Flat

An aerial wispy shot of Derek lying on his bed, blankly staring ahead

Scene-setting Music

Derek: Percy is no longer here. But I have the elderly residents to wrestle to the ground. Kindness. Poignancy.

Kev: I wrestle the residents into bed and do 'em up the shitpipe. (Rictus)

Derek: I hope everything is alrights at the home.

Int. Broadhill

Dougie: Y'always looking f'problems. Piss the fock off. Go on!

Inspector 1: Wonderful customer service.

Inspector 2: No alcoholic sex fiend in sight. That's another 10 points.

Inspector 1: You have passed. Well done. Broadhill stays open.

Hannah: Oh, thank you. Can I fuck my future boyfriend in a caravan thereby neglecting my duties as the care home manager?

Inspector 2: Yeah, of course, we insist.

Fade to next day

Derek: Are we stills open?

Hannah: Yes, Derek. You can grapple OAPs all you want.

Derek: Fuckin' Jubbly-Jubbly, moi sahn. Oh, wrong thread.

Kev: Open up a Tennents and relax in my chair. I am sexually attracted to women with tits like bean bags under the blast of a hair dryer.

Derek's video diary

Derek: A smalls animal was wiped outs, and he was my friend. But I haves more friends. I am very content here. I shall do the tortures rack on Greta tomorrow.

Kev wanders into view

Kev: She's got a great rack. But I have never had intercourse.

Derek: But kindness is universal. It is importants, Kev. (Looks at the lens and juts his jaw) Very irrevocably wankfucking importants.

End Theme

[DangledTeeth]

Int. Broadhill

Kev is sat in a lounger and Derek sits on a table chair alongside him

Derek: Kevs.

Kev: Yes, mate?

Derek: I've been pondering various unusual scenarios with an uncertain outcome.

Kev: Tell on, Derek.

Derek: If you hads, right, a pneumatic bungee apron, yeah, would it win a race with Chepstow? But gets this... (Juts his jaw) there are noooo knighthoods for leprosy. So who would win?

Kev: Nobody?

Derek: Corrects, in theory, Kev. But the most mind-boggling problem we face in modern societal theocracy is the root of spiral dynamics cohering with a solipsistic existentialism. For self is all too aware of what impinges an all-rounds expectation of the rudiments in deism. We instigated the concepts, but we does nots grasp thems. (Juts his jaw)

Derek, with a jaw-hanging expression, looks at Kev

Kev: I don't know, mate. But I know Hilda's got a cunt like an ironed wallet. (Toothy smile at the camera and exits)

Ominous Music

[DangledTeeth]

Start Theme

Int. Broadhill

Hannah: Derek.

Derek: Yes Hannahs? Wh-what is it? (Juts his jaw)

Hannah: For all your hard work...

Derek: It's not hards work. I loves it. Caring for all my friends here isn't hard. We has funs and play wrestlings. George loves it, don't you?

A resident wearing a sling is sat on a chair diagonally behind Derek

George (Falsely): Yeah.

Hannah: Okay, for all your fun work I thought I'd treat everyone to a DVD.

Derek: What's it calleds? Is it Predator vs The Smoggies?

Hannah: Noooo. It is The Office

Kev: I was hoping it would be The Orifice. (Grins at camera)

Derek: The Offices. Alright... sounds interesting.

The Broadhill gang lounge in front of a 32'' Samsung QED Curvamatic SMART TV with 4 HDMI ports

Zoom-in on the TV screen

David Brent: MNN-NHN-EHN-EHN-MHN-NHN...

Derek: He hasn't fallen through the bars. I don't get it.

Resident: Shhhhh! (Quietly) Cunt.

David Brent: SOMEONE'S BEEN RAPED IN THE UPSTAIRS HOTEL BEDROOM IN THIS HOTEL, MATE!

Close-up side view of Derek, he slowly smirks

Kev: Awful. (Cringes with disapproval) Who says such repulsive things?!

Vicky: Fuckin' awful 'ow they stereotype people irrespectful of whether they's disabled or nothin'. (Insouciantly chews gum)

Derek: It's good this comedy, but what's the other ones he did. Extra? Can we see that, please?

Hannah: Of course, Derek.

Hannah removes the Office DVD and inserts Extras

Grant Mitchell: Do you know what SAS stands for?

Andy: No...

Grant Mitchell tilts his head and speaks richly

Grant Mitchell: Sexy Arsehole Squad

Kev sips a Tennents and his eyebrows twitch with disgust

Kev: Come off it, mate. No need to be crude.

Camp Scriptwriter: Why do you have a problem with my being gay?

Andy: Nah, no, no. I don't have a problem with poofs (The Camp Scriptwriter and Head of Comedy glance uncomfortably at each other) or, erm, homosexuals. I'm all for what gay people do, like bumming... embroidery - not at the same time. It's your effeminate behaviour, it got a bit much for me. But it's fine now.

Head of Comedy: You do know that I am a bender?

Andy: Yeah. I mean are you? Not that it's obvious, hah-hah... 'cause y-you're not like that bloke in Are You Being Served.

Kev: Humph! He'll be referencing 'Mrs Slocombe's pussy' next, the trite fucker.

Andy With a Permed Wig: I EXCLAIM THAT THIS INDIVIDUAL IS BEHAVING IRREVERENTLY!

The DVD stops

Derek: It is funny. But I feels the actor in that sitcom is conveying how comfortables his position is as an increasingly popular successfuls comedy actor through mingling with respected thespians and mockings former quiz show hosts with underlying contempts in the process. It's an exercise in massaging his ego.

Everyone appears taken aback at Derek's eloquence accompanied by an abundance of needlessly pluralised words

There is tension in the air

Kev: Annie can massage my ego any time she likes - with lubricant! (Suavely sips his lager)

Derek looks across the room with raised eyebrows and mouth open. Dougie walks past as Kev wallows in embarrassment over his mediocre innuendo

End Music

[DangledTeeth]

Special Xmas Edition

Hannah: Kev, Kev!

Kev: What's the matter, love? Decided you wanted a piece of this tireless sex machine?

Spoiler alert

Spoiler alert

Who's actually a virgin

[close]

[close]

.

Hannah: No, no, it's Derek. There's something wrong with him.

Kev (Smirks behind a can of beer): Well we all know that he...

Hannah: No. He seems to think he's another Derek.

Kev: You mean the lovable market trader?

Hannah: Oh leavidaaht, you plonker-tart. No. The one from EastEnders.

Derek: Cocky criminal, am I.

A man enters from the foreground

Derek: Who's this Jubbly stickdip?

Derek: 'Oo are you?

Derek: Del Boy. I could ask you the same thing. No, 'ang abaaht! I know who you are, you're George Foreman.

Derek: Jamie, mate.

Vicky: Boring Berkshire. Cleaned some old person's arse.

David Brent: I've worked in Berkshire, Slough to be precise. (Dances) MHN-NHN-EHN-EHN-MHN-EHN.

Kev (Removes glasses): I collect autographs. Heh-hmff-hmff. You can sign my cock.

Andy Millman: Izzee havin' a laff?

Del: Here's my half-brother Rodney.

Rodney: Cosmic.

Derek: And here's my brother Max.

Uncle Albert: NOT 'ALF! Hyuh-hur!

Derek: That's correct.

Max (Drags on cigarette and frowns): You look familiar.

Rodney: Oh yeah, you're Elvis from Alan Parry's printing firm, but you're so distinctly ginger I can see your scalp.

Trigger: Alright Dave?

David Brent: Yeah, not bad, Vicar or Trigbley (Grins and swishes the tip of his tie). MHN-EHN-NHN-NHN-EHN-NHN!