I think I now officially hate Robert De Niro.

[Glebe]

DIRTY GRANDPA - THE SCRIPT.

Opening music!

EXT.ZAC EFRON'S HOUSE.DAY.

ZAC EFRON'S WIFE: I need to take your car.

ZAC EFRON: But Dirty Grandpa's coming over! I may need the car.

ZAC EFRON'S WIFE: Fret, fuss, First World problems! Take my pink car.

INT.ZAC EFRON'S HOUSE.DAY.

DOORBELL: BADA-BING!

ZAC: Oh, hello, Dirty Grandpa!

DIRTY GRANDPA: Hi, Efron. I brought my golf clubs. Let's go on a road trip and shag lotsa birds. Oh, haha, we have to take your wife's car, which is a big, pink twat. You are a fucking faggot, haha.

ZAC: But Dirty Grandpa, Grandma just passed away. I'm traumatized about that, as I'm sure you are, being her widower and everything.

DIRTY GRANDPA: Nah, fuck that, she told me to get out there and get back on the horse. So I'm gonna got wild and fuck loads of bitches in the ass and shit haha.

ZAC: Good lord.

INT.RESTAURANT.LATER.

ZAC: Does this happen next?

DIRTY GRANDPA: I dunno, Glebe has only seen the trailers. Anway, I want Queen Latifah to shit in my mouth from a helicopter or summit.

ZAC: Fuck me.

EXT.CAR PARK OR SOMETHING.DAY.

Sexy girls are outside with their car.

SEXY GIRL: Come with us on a sexual adventure!

DIRTY GRANDPA: Woo-hoo, my dick is erect as fuck, bitch!

ZAC: No, Dirty Grandpa!

EXT.GOLF COURSE.LATER.

DIRTY GRANPA: Yo, my bitches! Hey, take the shot, Efron, you fucking faggot.

EXT.BEACH RESORT AREA.SOME DAYS LATER OR SOMETHING.

TOPLESS, DRUNK, FAT FRAT BOY: PAAAAAAARRDDDDY!!

DIRTY GRANDPA: Look at all dem dumb, nubile bitches. Mi be horny, man.

INT.HOTEL ROOM.LATER.

ZAC: Dirty Grandpa, I don't wanna see you jerking off!

DIRTY GRANDPA: Let's go to bed, Efron.

EXT.BEACH.NEXT DAY OR SUMMIT.

DIRTY GRANDPA: Let's party and watch the wet T-shirt contest and go crazy with bitches.

INT.HOTEL ROOM.NIGHT.

THAT ACTRESS OUT OF THAT THING: Let's get in on, Dirty Grandpa!

Dirty Grandpa: Woah, you're crazier than I thought! Help, I'm having a heart attack!

INT.HOSPITAL.LATER.

ZAC: You know, Dirty Grandpa, if I've learned one thing on this trip it's that there's nothing so great as the bond between a boy and his Dirty Grandpa. I love you, Dirty Grandpa!

DIRTY GRANDPA: Are you trying to be a funny wise guy with me? Just kidding, Efron, you're alright!

ZAC AND DIRTY GRANDPA (singing): For beautiful, for spacious skies...

THE END!

End theme!

[MuteBanana]

Could have used spoiler tags.

[Gulftastic]

For some reason, the idea of Zack Efron's character calling De Niro 'Dirty Grandpa' throughout the film made me laugh like a drain.

[DangledTeeth]

**I've not seen this film**

Int. Dining room. Night

Dirty Grandpa and Zac Effron have two relatives around for dinner

Dirty Grandpa: Turkey dinner's ready.

Zac: Did you remove the giblets bag from the turkey, Grandpa?

Dirty Grandpa: No. It was ready clean, said so on the packaging.

Zac: No, no, see, what they do is they put the bag back in.

Dirty Grandpa: Do they?

Zac: Oh mah gaahd! (Appears repulsed)

Dirty Grandpa: And it's my colostomy bag, would ya believe it?

Mawkish exchange of disgusted looks

Aunt Sal: I think turkey's off the menu

Uncle Travis: Off the table and into the trash can, that's what I say.

Zac: Erm... I'm rrrreally sorry, Ahnt Sahwl, Uncle Travissss.

Uncle Travis: Ah, don't worry aboud it. Let's have a nice mug of cocoa and listen to some music in the lounge.

Zac: Grandpa, could you configure my laptop, its, ah, hooked up to the stereo speakers. Click on the MP3 playlist. I'll throw the turkey away.

DG: Not a problem, Grandson.

Zac enters the kitchen and slides the turkey off a plate and into a pedal bin

Speaker: AH! AH! FUCK ME! YEEEEAH! CUM ON MY TRIPLE TITS, LUKE SKYWANKER!

Zac bolts into the lounge and closes the flap of his laptop

Uncle Travis: Heeeey, that sounded like Star Warts - Episode Whore: A New Hole. (Notices Aunt Sal's look of disapproval) So I've heard from the guys at the office.

Zac: Grandpa!

Dirty Grandpa: Sorry, Zac. I clicked the MP4 playlist by accident. (Insouciant shrug with a crumpled face)

Zac: You're so dirty.

All: HA HA HA HA!

DG: I sure am, sonny!

Zac: Which reminds me...

DG: Yeah?

Zac: Uncle Travis and my grandfather always said that when I get older I would understand. Well, I finally did. I learned something from (Gestures) these two men. I learned to give love and get love unconditionally. You just have to accept people for what they are, and I learned the greatest gift of all. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever.

The camera slowly pans in on Dirty Grandpa Robert De Niro; he has a pensive expression, and scratches the side of his nose and sighs

List of people, companies and locations involved in the production of the film

[Glebe]

Could have used Spoiler tags.

Just in case you're deadly serious about it:

DIRTY GRANDPA: I dunno, Glebe has only seen the trailers.

[Glebe]

Why Robert De Niro Only Seems To Be Making Bad Movies These Days, According To One Of His Co-Stars.

Illeana Douglas has appeared alongside Robert De Niro in the films Goodfellas, Cape Fea, and Guilty by Suspicion. She has some personal experience working with him and knows what he's like on set. Douglas was on Bret Easton Ellis' podcast when the host brought up De Niro's recent string of films. Ellis was curious why De Niro was even appearing in some of these movies and brought up rumors that with a big enough paycheck the 72-year-old actor will do anything. Douglas brought up her own experience working on Goodfellas and how different it is to work in Hollywood today.

"I think that, and I can only comment as an outsider and having worked with him on a film like Goodfellas, the environment that was created to play and to make a work of art, that no longer exists. You know, you're talking about an environment where Marty [Scorsese] made crew members remove their watches. Where, on the set of Cape Fear, De Niro caught somebody looking at their watch and the person is yelled at, because it was like: 'we are making art.'And it must be very challenging to be in an environment where it's like 'Yeah we have an hour, let's get this shot, let's get this shot', and so if nobody else cares, why should you care?"

Come on De Niro, make art again!

[Noodle Lizard]

There's probably some truth in that.  I think there's been a huge decline in the quality of entertainment over the past 20 years or so, and actors are only as good as the films they're given.

I did watch exactly two acts of Dirty Grandpa yesterday before the stream cut out, and I couldn't imagine making the effort to refresh it.  It's a truly ghastly film, concocted by what I can only assume are some of the least funny people on earth.  It's not a nice experience to watch the man who recently cried at the restoration premiere of Once Upon A Time In America being twerked on by Aubrey Plaza or being told that she wants his "last breath to be inside her pussy".[nb]not blaming Aubrey Plaza for that, of course, although she also shouldn't have signed on[/nb]

[hewantstolurkatad]

Young Illeana Douglas was way more attractive than Aubrey Plaza is.

This has next to nothing to do with anything other than the amount of blood in my willy

[phantom_power]

There's probably some truth in that.  I think there's been a huge decline in the quality of entertainment over the past 20 years or so, and actors are only as good as the films they're given.

Really? I thought we were in a golden age of television. And there are always good films out there

[Mini]

being told that she wants his "last breath to be inside her pussy"

I actually felt sick just reading that.

Anyway I don't understand these Douglas comments. There are still great films being made. De Niro just isn't in them.

[Noodle Lizard]

Really? I thought we were in a golden age of television. And there are always good films out there

I suppose I was thinking more of movies and music (and comedy), but I could certainly make the same argument for some aspects of TV too.  It's partly to do with the way things are concocted, commissioned and made now, but also to do with how we consume them.  But that's a long, fat kettle of fish.

Anyway, no, Dirty Grandpa isn't even worth watching out of morbid curiosity.  It's just very, very boring, really.

[Glebe]

Hands of Stone trailer.

Screams Raging Bull, but at least it's not an embarrassing gross-out thing.

[Glebe]

Hoo boy.