MATTER OF FACT AND THEN THERE WERE NONE

[Quincey]

VERA CATCHPOLE is sitting in a old fashioned train

ANNOUNCEMENT: Could all people intending to take the train to Fisting Parkway for Solider Island remember to take all their murder weapons with them. Hot and cold whiskies and bacon baguttes will be served in the buffet car. Shit!"

VERA becomes aware of PHILIP LOMBARD-SMOLDERING EYELASHES perving on her.

VERA: You **** ***** *****

PHILIP: **** ****. Are you going to Solider Island as well?

VERA: Yes, how did you know, you big bag of piss?

PHILIP: All the fucking swearing.

THEY ARE ROWED OUT TO SOLIDER ISLAND AND MET BY RUBBER FACED RODERS AND HIS WIFE.

RODGERS: Welcome to pissing solider island, you tossers. I'm going to be really sinister for the next two programmes before I get an axe...

MISS BRENT: Where is Ubexter Naughty-Poo Owen? We were going to write a novel together

PHILIP LOMBARD: Twenty one men I killed. It's not made clear how, but something to do with the jungle.

GENERAL MACARTHURSCARGILL: Bring the first course, Rogers.

LATER. THREE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MURDERED.

VERA: I suppose we could build a fucking raft and sail to safety, or hide and see who is removing the soldier boys. I'd much rather gaze at that pervert Lombard, because that's what I'm expected to do. Piss!

[Quincey]

ONLY FOOLS AND SOLIDER ISLANDS:

DEL: Blimey, this U.N. Owen cove is generous, isn't he? Three days in his villa while we clean his antiques!