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LEGEND GARY

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, February 09, 2016, 11:19:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

king_tubby

Look Daz, no-one has used Myspace in years, right?

But Gary, that's not really the point...

So these birds are definitely over age now, right?

Yes, but it's not the physical age of the person in the photo...

So it's ok to have a wank over them, yeah? Logic.

No Gary. If the picture is of a 14 year old, you are still a nonce for wanking over it. Even if she is 25 now.

Oh for fuck's sake, Daz. Once again, you have ruined everything.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary fakes his own death, but fakes your own death first on a test run, "to iron out some of the specifics".

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary says "I can't remember exactly what I said but it was epic"

It was about a dwarf being offered coloured crayons in a restaurant as though he was a child.

jenna appleseed

NOBODY LOVES TIC-TAC-DAVE
TIC-TAC-DAVE'S A WANKER
sulks Gary in front of the telly.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary keeps going on about how he had to do it 'on principle'

A hospitalised Pubes 'sees' only a blurry shape and hears only dull murmurs.

Glebe

"Take your hands off me, y'foreigner!"

"He only wants to put the fourteen stitches in, Ledge."

"Ah shut it, Daz, I'll not have a Pakistani lay his fingers on my bonce unchecked!"

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary loves tattoos - I love the pain, me

dex

"He's fuckin' guilty, 'im Daz."

"But I thought you liked Steven Seagall, Ledge."

"Anyone who storms off Newsnight is guilty, Daz."

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary tells that Yanis Varoufakis to fuck off back to spaghetti land

Pingers

Oi, on the radio Daz. 'Summer of 69'. Eh? Summer of 69, Daz. Eh? It certainly was mate, certainly was.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

How's the chemo coming on Gary?

I'm absolutely rinsing it, it's a great life on the chemo I tell you.

What? Didn't quite catch that?

Fneggggnuuugg fneegghhhh fnuurrrrrrrffff. arllrlrrrggghhrhrrrr!!!!

Yes very nice Gary, you just rest up yeah?

king_tubby

After a night on the dark fruits Gary wakes up having completed the holy trinity on Pubes's mam's sofa. 'Purple haze' he chuckles as he takes a pic and gets seven likes on Facebook.

Glebe

"Gary, I'm feeling a bit sensitive today. I think I might be one of them transexuals."

"Oh, fuck me, Daz! Chinese burns galore this eve!"

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary has to take a half day to say proper goodbyes to his long serving and long suffering couch.

No job like, but a half day


dex

"I'll give you a dodgy turnover!" Ledge exclaims as he drops his keks and dumps in the entrance way to the local Patisserie Valerie.

Glebe

DAZ: Here Gary, I got the Trainspotting 2 blu-ray in a sale, fancy a watch?

GARY: Which one is that?

DAZ: It's the follow-up to the first one, you know, with Ewan McGregor.

GARY: Oh, he's doing the acting now, is it? Well go on then, he might do a mad cage scrap in it or owt.

New Jack

#2326
Gary constructs an elaborate, gender-bending ruse wherein he passes, at least nominally, as a woman ('a fuckin handsome woman, right Daz?'), thus puts on a nice floral dress, a blonde wig, a bra and thong ('best not to ask, Daz'), a contraceptive coil ('stop bein nosy, cunt') and has Daz pose as his worried lover ('You should be so lucky eh Daz, we all know you're a knob jockey!') wheelchair-rolling hi... HER into the maternity ward, The Ledge screeching ('for authenticity, Daz') and claiming to have broken his - soz, Legend Gabriella's - waters all over the fucking shop (literally - sorry Mr Patel, though you're used to your shop smelling like bodily excretions), Legend Gabriella is about to squirt out a new mewling MIRACLE into the fuckin world cunt, Oi you, four-eyes, sort us out STAT that means FUCKING Now SORT US THE FUCK OUT

... I blame his cousin, for mentioning in a jocular fashion that when she gave birth to his niece she got a free shot of diamorphine.

And if all else fails, he can have a lick of that hand gel

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary sets out in his caravan "Shipman" attached to his car "Myra" and with his favourite pair of boots "Fred" and "Rose" and spends a weekend in Rhyl knocking back cans of cider on his fold-out chair "Absolute p**i" while staring into the middle distance and convincing himself This Is Living.

New Jack

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 20, 2018, 06:23:05 PM
Legend Gary sets out in his caravan "Shipman" attached to his car "Myra" and with his favourite pair of boots "Fred" and "Rose" and spends a weekend in Rhyl knocking back cans of cider on his fold-out chair "Absolute p**i" while staring into the middle distance and convincing himself This Is Living.

Daz is in his thrall

Lads! Don't deny it Daz.

Glebe

"I'm dressing up for Halloween, Ledge... just for a laugh!"

"You shouldn't have told me that, Daz. You shouldn't have told me that."

New Jack

#2330
LEGEND GARY is in the pub with his mates Sotto, Rolley & Kev, playing a drinking game

Sotto:      ...big hairy-
The Lads:    Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Rolley:      Forfeit!  Forfeit!  Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Legend Gary:      It was cumdrinker.
Kev:      Ah.  Now, get it right this time, cos I'm dyin' o' thirst over ere cunt
Rolley:      Right.  Ding-ding!  Round two!
Sotto:      jizz - what - turdburglar - would - pissflaps - you - big hairy balls - like - cumdrinker -
        to - fanny - drink?
Rolley:      Oh-ho-ho!
Kev:      jizz - pint... turdburglar - of - pissflaps - best - big hairy balls - please!
The Lads:    A-ha!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
       
[Sotto goes off to get the drinks.  Daz appears at the door, looking around for Legend Gary.  When he finds him, he leans down to Legend Gary's ear to say quietly...]

Daz:      (Gary, there's something I need to speak to you about).
Rolley:      Oi nominate The Spaz.
The Lads:    Ha-ha-ha!
Daz      Sorry?
Kev:     No!  No, no, no!
Rolley:      Forfeit!  Forfeit!  You 'ave to drink jizz.
Daz:      I beg your pardon?
The Lads:    A-ha-ha!
Rolley:      You've got to put a funny word in front of each word, in the right order.
Kev:      Look - this is ow it goes, roight?  jizzes - turdburglar - pissflaps - big hairy balls - turds - fanny - cum, then you add one a your own, and then it's back to jizzes again.
       
[slight pause]

Daz:      Yes, I'm sorry, I really have no idea what you're talking...
The Lads:  No!  Ha-ha-ha!
Rolley:      Forfeit!  Forfeit!
Kev:      jizz - you - turdburglar - have - pissflaps - to - big hairy balls - say - turds - the - fanny - right- cum - vegetables!
Rolley:      Ha-ha-ha!  Or-o-or, turdburglar - it's - pissflaps - a - big hairy balls - forfeit.
Legend Gary:    It's a fuckin drinking game, cunt

        [pause]

Daz:    Look Gary, I really do need-
The Lads:      Barrrgh!  Forfeit!
Daz      It's, er, I'm very sorry, under normal circumstances - believe you me - I-I would like nothing more than to, er, join you in your game, but... not tonight, please.
Legend Gary: Go on, mate, go on.  Go on - it'll be a bit a fun, mate.
Daz:      Yes, Gary, really, I must-

        [Sotto comes back from the bar at that point and interrupts Daz]


Sotto:      jizz - 'ere's - turdburglar - your - pissflaps - drinks.
Rolley:      It's all right - we got a new nominee.
Sotto:      Wahey!
Rolley:      Ha-ha-ha!
Daz :   It's a private matter-
The Lads:      BONG!  Wa-ha-ha!  Wahey!

        [pause as Daz finally admits defeat, and decides to play along...]


Daz:      Er, er, jizz - it's - turdburglar - a... pissflaps - private - big hairy balls - matter.
The Lads:      A-ha!
Kev:      See?  You're gettin' the ang of it, now.  You cunt!
Legend Gary:      That's right - don't be embarrassed, you cunt.  Go on, it's just a little bit a fun.

        [pause as Daz gulps back a shot of whisky to pluck up courage...]

Daz:      jizz - Gary... turdburglar - your... pissflaps - cock's... big hairy balls - out.
       
[Legend Gary is grinning widely, until the word "out", when it drops like a stone!
           The others are all instantly subdued and look down at their cocks]


Daz :     Erm, I'm sorry.  I really am sorry.  Erm, I mean, jizz sorry.

[Long sombre pause]

Legend Gary: .... Trust you to notice that, you big gay twat!

[Legend Gary assaults Daz]

New Jack

Legend Gary finally perfects his signature, the age of NFC and chip 'n' pin be damned!

Legend Gary

New Jack

Legend Gary masquerades online as a horrible, thoughtless yet all-too-realistic comedy character in order to use up all his ol' homophobic slurs as he's not actually enough of the troglodyte hardman he portrays himself to be to utilise them in any other avenue

New Jack

Legend Gary is up to four Jobseeker Sanctions now.

He asked for written confirmation so he can frame. That'll defo wind up 2-ASBO Daz with his shitty record.

New Jack

Legend Gary's babysitting gig's been picking up ever since he got that GHB

Blue Jam

Legend Gary gets to work on the Halloween pumpkin. Now he just needs to prepare for the trick-or-treaters- one bucket of Haribo Tangfastics and three bottles of Dave's Insanity should do the job.

Paul Calf

QuoteBy Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Hmm.

Glebe

Gary stuffs a hedgehog into a letterbox for Halloween.

seepage

Gary stuffs a pumpkin into a hedgehog for Halloween

Vodka Margarine

Daz: You know who's good, that Geoff Norcott bloke, tells it like it is.

Legend Gary: Fuck off cricket cunt