LEGEND GARY

[king_tubby]

Y'know Legend Gary, I love Prince Harry getting his kit off and having fun before army duty in Afg. HELL YEAH GO HARRY!

I bet you do, Daz, you dirty old bollocks. I bet you fucking do.

NOBODY speaks to me like that, Gary, not even my close friends. You don't know me. YOUR BLOCKED

[Glebe]

"Look Ledge, I has put ice cream in some coke and it is bubbling, bubbling."

"That's brilliant Daz? Can I have some?"

"No, Ledge. Now fuck off cheers pal ha sound see you later nice one bye."

[dex]

Ledge was about to go speak to his God, Tommy Robinson at the march but passes out with giddyness.

Daz rubs his hands together after filming Gary passed out and having pissed himself.

Tommy Robinson steps over Ledge and fist bumps Andrew Neil.

[Glebe]

Ledge decks Conor McGregor in a pub in Galway.

[Glebe]

"Just gonna 'pop-a-parsnip', Ledge! That's my little phrase for putting a parsnip on the boil!"

"That's brilliant, Daz! I'm having that!"

"It's bollocks, Gary, I don't really say that... and you never ate a parsnip in your life!"

"That's brilliant, Daz! Top laffs!"

"Yeah nice one sound ok fine mate fuck it see yah la nice one there Ledge etc. goodnight."

[Drop Dead Fred]

Gary tries to jump between 2 railway platforms to avoid using the footbridge. But beer and a lack of co-ordination means Gary falls short of the other platform. He hits the wall and falls down onto the tracks. The rails start to hiss. People are screaming. The last thing Gary ever sees is the grimy yellow front of the 150-class Sprinter. The 3 cab windows look like cold, indifferent eyes. His own scream is lost in the wailing metallic screech of brakes and the roar of diesel engines. A team of eight people, on quadruple-time pay, are hosing down the underside of the train well into the evening. The tattered rags of a Stone Island shirt are found wrapped around the driveshaft from the transmission to the drive axle. This is bagged up and placed in a heap with all the others. A policeman is heard to mutter; "no great loss"

Gary's Christmas presents remain unwrapped.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary has sent off for that strip off sellotape with the wrist strap in order to wrap his erection for Christmas.

Money well spent

[St_Eddie]

In a quiet moment of contemplation, Legend Gary suspects that he's having an existential crisis.  However, panic is averted, as it was just trapped wind.

[Glebe]

Gary stuffs a load dishwasher tablets down a sleeping Daz's jogging bottoms. Daz doesn't stir, and Ledge just sits on the couch playing FIFA '19 and occasionally glancing at him with a big grin on his chops! "Them tabs are still usable, surely. Even if he farts on 'em."

[dex]

Daz can't believe his eyes. Ledge has only gone and opened up his own pub!

Walking inside, Ledge greets him. Dressed in a tweed jacket, brown trousers, leather apron, with a side parting and curled up moustache Gary is full on hipster. The bar meanwhile is decked out like an old school boozer with mahogany abound.

"How did you afford this, Ledge?"

"Those dumbass EU cunts gave me a loan!"

"But you said you'd have nothing to do with 'em?"

"Shh, Daz. Needs must. The bank wouldn't touch me after the muck spreading incident down the high street."

"Top bantz, that!"

"You want to sample the flavours of this place then?"

"Go on, then. Hit me."

Ledge slides what looks like an empty jar with a lid on top towards Daz.

"What's this?! I thought I was gonna be served a nelson mandela or summit?!"

"Daz, relax. You pierce the lid and breathe in the vapours. You get a real hit out of it. Better than beers and cheaper too. Greggs will be shitting themselves!"

Daz complies. The putrid smell coming out of the jar is revolting but breathes it in anyways, hoping for this hit. Instead, Daz feels woozy and nauseas and promptly chunders everywhere.

After steadying himself he turn to Gary incredulous. "Ledge, what the fuck was that?!"

"Last week's kebab. I couldn't get an alchohol licence so I've been canning my farts with a pressure cooker and opened up a fart bar. Isn't it brilliant?!"

Daz faceplams while Gary starts filling up shelves behind the bar full of glass jars.

"Gordon Ramsay is coming down with some of his mates later on, Daz. Stick around!"

[Blue Jam]

Ledge gets this year's festive display up. Nextdoor, Daz is not amused:



(it was in the Daily Sport, it must be real)

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary has a few stocking fillers

Oh yeah he has some stocking fillers alright

Fill the stockings pretty well it will

ALL THE PRESENTS

[Beagle 2]

Legend Gary individually wraps 17 dildos for friends and family. Solid joke and a bit of a tradition.

[Ferris]

Ledge buys an ugly Christmas sweater from Topman.

Wears it to the office! Mental.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary rings NatWest "as Santa"

You should have been there

[Blue Jam]

Watch out for Ledge tonight:

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/whats-on/music-nightlife-news/black-eye-friday-in-newcastle-10617994

Probably best to just stay indoors.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary says he has "ringfenced" Christmas spending to johnnies

[Kryton]

LEGEND GARY gets a new drone!

[Ferris]

The Ledge starts Smirnoff Icing impressionable young co-workers.

[Glebe]

"More brussels sprouts, Gary?"

"Don't mind if I do, Daz, I- hey, wait a minute, I hate sprouts!"

"Ho ho, only joking, Ledge - here, have an extra helping of turkey and a top up of Stella!"

"Chortle, thanks mate - Merry Christmas, readers!"

[St_Eddie]

Legend Gary nuts a nerd.  Many a laugh was had by all.  Except the nerd, he was crying.  Top bants.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary reckons chocolate money is deffo legal tender and anyone who argues otherwise can "fuck off back to Afghanistan"

[St_Eddie]

Legend Gary downs a pint of vodka and punches the barmaid because she told him to "pull your trousers up".

[Hey, Punk!]

Legend Gary thinks Eminem is the best rapper of all time, he likes hip-hop but he can't be doing with all those blacks.

[St_Eddie]

Legend Gary comes over all queer, like.  He ain't no poofter though!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary insists on "a whip round for the spackers", which involves him threatening 23 people trying to enjoy their night out. £13.60 is raised, which he blows on pints and a 'chinkaroony'.

He returns home to find some DNA results on the doormat. Look at that later. Much later

[dex]

Legend Gary drop kicks a massive ham across Sainsbury's. The joint ceremoniously clatters into a Hasidic jew making his way round the supermarket. Fuckin' score!

[Glebe]

"Gary, I have invented a machine that tosses brussel sprouts into your gob at the touch of a button."

"That's brilliant Daz! This could revolutionise festive mealtimes!"

"I'm only joking you blooming goon, fuck's sake, why do I even hang with you anymore mate."

[Beagle 2]

Legend Gary rounds up everyone in the house to watch the Queen of England, but then bellows over her for the duration of the speech with a rambling anecdote about the time he gave his ex's hamster a homemade tattoo of the words "merry sexmas tinsel tits" but she never saw the funny side. At the conclusion of the story he shouts "who put this sour-faced trout on?" and tries to start a conga with a frightened border collie.

[dex]

Daz wakes up covered in piss. "Ha ha! Daz look! You've pissed yourself!"

"No Ledge, you pissed on me saying I was a urinal cake."

"Ah, Stella Artios. A great English beer."