LEGEND GARY

[Pingers]

"I got you a present Gaz"

"Ah cheers Daz, very kind of you. Let's get this unwrapped then... Ooh, Sound of Music on DVD, nice choice Daz"

"Wha.. but.. if you've got the Sound of Music then my mum's got.."

"Bukkake Whores 4, Daz! Hahahaha!! The old present tag switcheroo! Classic!"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary tweets Marc Almond, causing somewhat of an overreaction.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Legend Gary spent most of Boxing Day teaching his 2yr old nephew all the swearwords. I say nephew, there's a 50-50 chance the little bastard's his.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Legend Gary got drunk on Christmas Eve ( seems likely ).

[Glebe]

"Ledge, I'm gonna have a few snowballs on New Year's Eve. And I might even do a few party tricks."

"That's brilliant Daz! You're a genius, you know that?"

"Oh fuck off you fucking brainless tosser."

[phes]

Legend Gary is attending Darren United v Paul Vale

[dex]

After experiencing problems at Gatwick, Ledge scales the M48 bridge and tries his luck with his drone there...

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6541917/Police-forced-close-M48-Severn-Bridge-man-scales-one-towers-fly-DRONE.html

[Glebe]

"Gary, my New Year's Resolution is to stop hanging out with you and get a life."

"That's brilliant, Daz! I might do that meself!"

"What, stop hanging out with yourself? You really are a stupid twat, Ledge, you know that?"

"Happy New Year, Daz!"

[Paul Calf]

"What do you actually do for a living, Gal?"

"Government writer eh Daz? Rock and roll. Fuckers sanctioned me so I'm gonna need an extension on that half grand I owe you."

"I'm surprised they took your claim. What about the trust fu...?"

Daz is silenced by Gaz's hand whipping out, opening his lip, leaving behind a blooming swell of blood.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary accidentally hums "Oh Jer-em-ee Cor-byn" then takes a moment to have a fucking word with himself. Catchy though, I'll give the bastard that.

[Beagle 2]

Pubes Daz goes outside for a piss up the shed at 11:52 to get ready for the bells. Legend Gary locks the door. It's funny at first like but nah it's out of order he's shut the curtains tight and he's not got his coat and there's a frost on and he's in his t shirt.

Traipses home as the fireworks burst. Why Gaz. He got the two blue ticks, he knows.

[drummersaredeaf]

Gaz spends a weekend with his uncle in Dumfries and comes back ready for swedgin, tells Daz tae get tae fuck, the wee buftie. Hadaway and shite, man.

[St_Eddie]

Legend Gary sheds a tear for Argentina.  "Even those filthy foreigners can elicit more than a feeling, Daz."

[Gregory Torso]

Legend Gary boots up his laptop - New Year's reso: get his CV up to date, start looking for gainful employment.

Three hours later, he has searched for the terms: "Job Centre fucking", "BIG-TITTED JOB COACH HATE-FUCKS EMACIATED DOLESCUM GNOME", "job seekers allowance denied anally", "PENIS WASHING SEMINAR CLOSED DOOR APPRASIAL FUCK VID" and so on.

You get the idea. He's been looking at porn.

[Glebe]

"Would you ever have thought we'd be living in the year 2019, eh, Daz?"

"Not after you nicked all them pills of Druggy Mick a few years ago, Ledge! But hey, we've managed to survive, so... GARY, GET DOWN!"

[Paul Calf]

"WE BUILT THIS CITY!"

"Gary, please, not again.

"WE BUILT THIS CITY!"

"Give it a rest Gary. It's the 3rd of January."

"WE BUILT THIS CITY!"

"No-one's joining in with you Gary."

Legend Gary raises his hands in the air

"WE BUILT THIS CITY ON SAUUUUSAAAGE ROOOOOOOOOLLLLLLS!"

In the corner, auntie Sharon briefly stirs out of her New Year slumber. In the back garden, the pigeons and tits peck at discarded nuts. Legend Gary snr. covers his eyes with his hand. In the gloom, a baby cries for its mother.

"WE BUILT THIS CITY!"

[king_tubby]

Greggs vegan sausage rolls though, eh, Gary?

Seconds later Daz picks shards of Blue Wkd bottle glass from his face and neck.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Laughed at Paul Calf's post

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary is diagnosed with what he calls "some fucking made up shit"

It's true, HIV came from somewhere.

He is so hairtrigger that he'll get rinsed for catching the gay plague he flips the whole thing around out of pure insecurity.

What - you mean you guys don't have AIDS?

No Gary, none of us, only you. You're the only one who has AIDS.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Daz has been diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, which Ledge is exclusively referring to as 'that Jimmy Hill disease' and 'a bad case of the chinny reckons'.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary is infuriated at Daz stealing his thunder with "made up spacker disease".

By rights I should permanently cripple Pubes Daz, he thinks, but he'd only go and trade on it

[St_Eddie]

"Went to see that new Mary Poppins movie at the cinema yesterday, Daz."

"Oh, right.  Took your Niece for a day out, did ya?"

"What?!  Nah, mate.  Went by myself, innit?  Amazing, it was, Daz.  Proper good film."

"Haha.  That's a bit gay, Gary."

"Have you no sense of wonder, nor magic residing within your soul?"

"Fuck nah."

"You're a shallow husk of a man, Daz."

"You feeling alright, ledge?  Ya sound a bit... poofy."

"Talk to me like that again and I'll lamp-light you into the cartoon world, so that you can dance with the penguins, ya silly little fuckin' cunt!"

"Ah, good to have ya back, Gary, mate!  Worried you'd turned into a bender for a second there!"

[GARY PUNCHES OUT DAZ, KNOCKING OUT HIS TWO FRONT TEETH]

"...Really good to have ya back, mate."

[Glebe]

"Any resolutions for 2019, Gary?"

"Yeah Daz, gonna finally grow up and act as a responsible, enlightened citizen. As such, I have arranged a special non-gender specific, ability-challenged, all-races/creeds get-together with non-alcoholic punch and a lovely vegan spread."

"Hmmm, looks like all the fun's gone out of yeh, Ledge. Gonna hang out with Unpleasant Pete from now on, anyone fancy starting a thread about him?"

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Legend Gary done a fart on a North Sea ferry that set off the smoke alarms. Same night he got a blowie off his cousin, actually.

[St_Eddie]

Legend Gary tells me to tell you, with a knife held to my throat, that he... no, okay!  No, please no, Gaz!  Not my throat, I... don't type that?  Don't type 'don't type that'?  Fuck!  Okay!  I will.  Whatever you say, Gaz...

The legend that is Gary absolutely does not have a knife held to my throat and is absolutely not forcing me to write this sentence.  What's more, he has a massive great big cock.

Legend Gary wants it to be known that he nutted a "brown foreign cunt" and "quaffed" a pint of his own piss, on the basis of a bet that was set by his "best mate, Daz Pubes", who now owes him "a tenner".  As an extension of this act, "he's definitely not gay".  What's more, he "did it for England".  The legend "don't appreciate your disparaging words, mate.  So shut the fuck up and keep typing or I'll slash your geeky little throat".  He also wants a "fucking helicopter, cunts".

Also and "most importantly", Daz is a "great big fat poofter".

HELP!  He's lurking behind me and I'm scared! Don't type 'HELP'?  Okay, I don't know why I keep typing my thoughts out, as though whatever I think, instantly materialises on screen.  Let's face it, it's not what most people would do when they're under heavy duress.  In fact, it's quite unbelievable really.  Almost contrived.  Stop typing 'contrived'?  Okay, Gaz!

Please help.  I'm scared.  Call 999.  Please, he's looki... oh, God!  He's taken exception to me typing that and now he's pulling out the biggest knife that I've ever seen.  Even Crocodile Dundee would shit himself!  Send help!  For the love of God, please send help!  I may have a chanc...jusfrgjrfdugh ohhhh mmyyyyy ffuuuccccckkkiiinnngg ggooooddd mmyyyyy guuuuuuuuuutttttttsssssssssssss aaaarrrrrreeeeeee ffaaalliiinngg oooouuuuttttt IIIIIII cccccccannananan't dsuhgfi iusdfguvf fdhfiusiuolptyhsrzfdg...

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

CARLSBERG
Carling
CARLSBERG
Carling
CARLSBERG
Carling
CARLSBERG
Carling
CARLSBERG
Carling

Look, it's FUCKING CARLSBERG ALRIGHT


Carling


Legend Gary war games this potential encounter ahead of a night down The Merry Monk

"Showed that cunt didn't I"

[Glebe]

"I hate this bloody weather, Daz... can't wait for summer, off to Magaluf, sun, Stella, Spanish birds!"

"Oh yeah. About that. Listen, Gary, me and the rest of the lads moved that holiday forward. If you can scrape together enough cash for the ticket, I'll-"

"BASTARDS! I'm fucking skint after Christmas.... shouldn't have splurged on that XBox One S and load of games for meself... plus I won't be able to sort out anyone to mind Gary Jnr. The little twat."

[king_tubby]

Ah fuck, Daz, the Merry Monk is now fucking flats. Shit.

Aye, Gary. Queen's. Haddon. Rising Sun. All gone. And they've turned the Cardy in to a cunt's bar.

Aye.

Conny or the New George then?

Barred from both, remember, Daz? Topdecking the bogs. Took 'em five months to find it in the Conny, mind. Shouldn't have signed the cistern, really, otherwise I'd have got away with it.

New Burley Club it is then.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Haha. That is the Garyest venue

[dex]

Legend Gary has bailiffs to pay. Zero fucks given as he spazzes all the family allowance on a horse called Garyledge for the 2.20 at Chepstow.