LEGEND GARY

[Blue Jam]

Dear Mr. Gary,

Thank you for the sample of your autobiography, "Legendary Cunt". Whilst we agree that the title works on many levels, we don't believe it, nor the accompanying sample pack of obscene illustrations, to be suitable for our range.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Gruntham,

Scholastic UK

"Fuckin' bunch of scholastics! The Scholastics Society, hahahaha!"

Ledge is about to reply, offering "Scholastic Are A Bunch Of Gay Cunts by Legend Gary" as an alternative title when Daz cracks open another Stella and tells him to leave it. When Ledge passes out Daz shuts down the computer (password:D@zl0v35th3c0ck) and lets himself out.

[rasta-spouse]

Legend Garry, licking his lips, is doing clap push-ups on his knuckles in the kitchen as his Rustlers cheeseburger revolves in the microwave. There's a knock at the door.

Thing is, he doesn't know whether its going to be the £200 of tapered jeans he's ordered from ASOS or the Wellness Check his friends and family have been repeatedly asking for.

[ToneLa]

Legend Gary goes on the pull wearing a homemade backstage pass lanyard

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary gets ridden roughshod, trodden underfoot by a larger, more assertive Banterking even than himself.

"Bit annoying that bloke really isn't he? Doesn't know when to stop. Hmm, yeah my act has a bit of an angle, sometimes dices with The Line but he's just one note crudeness. Not a fan tbh fellas"

[Glebe]

"How's that repair garage job going, Daz?"

"Not bad, Gary. Oh yeah, heh, we had to take down a nudie calendar in case it 'offended' any of our customers! The boss said it was political correctness gone mad!"

"I'd be inclined to agree with him, Daz, I'd be inclined to agree... I mean, what has 'politics' got to do with it, anyway? Who cares about the politics? Like any normal male, I purchase my copy of The Sun everyday for the footie news and Page Three... sod the politics, nothing cheers me up like a nice pair of tits in the morning, I can tell you."

"Heh!"

"And I'll tell you something else while I'm at it, Daz... ever notice how them feminists is always ugly and badly dressed?"

"Haha!"

"And ever notice how they're all lezzers?"

"Speaking of The Sun, Ledge, have you got today's lying around?"

"Nah, I'll pop over to Patel's to nick it in a while."

[king_tubby]

Legend Gary spends all day tweeting 'yeah, but when is international men's day?' just to keep Richard Herring from eating, going to the toilet, or doing anything constructive with his life in any way.

[petril]

Legend Gary spends all day tweeting 'yeah, but when is international men's day?' just to keep Richard Herring from eating, going to the toilet, or doing anything constructive with his life in any way.

Richard Herring spends five minutes on a simple script that replies to every tweet that mentions International Men's Day with "November 19th", and automatically mutes whoever's tweeted him, then heads off for a shit.

Gary still regales people with the tale of how he laced a professional comedian and got them to do nothing but reply to him all day.

[king_tubby]

Ha ha, Daz, I really socked it to that Irish cunt Grealish today at the football.

Gary, he decided to represent England in 2015.

Well he has gay hair then. Yeah.

[ToneLa]

Every day is Steak & Blowjob Day when you're Legend Gary

Innit Daz?

[king_tubby]

Don't speak with your mouth full, Daz.

[cptspalding]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-47526089

If it isn't bolted down then Storm Gary will have off with it.

[Glebe]

"Here Daz, is it alright to be racist now?"

"Not sure, Ledge... have you heard about this Alt-right thing?"

"Is that to unlock the keyboard?"

[ToneLa]

Legend Gary would have gotten a female driving instructor, but what with it just being International Women's Day, he didn't want to come across as a bandwagon-jumper

[Fambo Number Mive]

Legend Gary defaces the fifth "B*ll*cks to Brexit" sticker he's seen that day.

[Glebe]

"So how'd you get on in Amsterdam, Ledge?"

"Had a lovely time Daz, went to the Rijksmuseum and took in a show and that. Magic."

[ToneLa]

In the Dam:
Legend Gary goes to the torture museum
on Shrooms

[St_Eddie]

"So, you never took any drugs in Amsterdam, Gary?"

"Yeah, course I fuckin' did, Daz.  I toked five ounces of purple haze and ate twenty seven shrooms.  It was fuckin' nuttin' though, mate.  Bunch of pussies over there, I'm tellin' ya.  Gettin' affected by drugs.  I didn't feel a fuckin' thing, innt?"

"Wow, Gary.  You really are a ledge!"

"Fuckin' Hell, Daz!  Fuck's sake!  Turn yourself back into a fuckin' human!  You're freakin' me out!"

"Huh?"

"STOP LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKIN' TALKIN' PENGUIN!!!"

"Penguin?!"

"AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!  HELP ME, I'M SCARED AND HAVE SHIT MY PANTS!!!"

[ToneLa]

Legend Gary smuggles weed into Amsterdam!

Coz his skunk is probably well better

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Fuckin' bunch of scholastics! The Scholastics Society, hahahaha!

Just enjoyed that one again.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary does him best belm: "Just going to SCOPE this bitch out lads, back in a bit - eh - get it?"

He is indoors alone in his flat, but that's money in the bank that one. Money in the bank.

[Glebe]

"Why is there so many 'rights', nowadays, Daz? Everyone is looking for 'rights' for being black or gays or this new transvestite thing!"

[ToneLa]

Daz finally has enough of all his fucking shit, kicking off - telling him right to his stupid cunt face what a fucking berk he is, that he's a prick who always goes too far and can fuck off, and if your sister wasn't sucking us on the reg anyway and asking us to keep cover cause we are in love I'd never see you you doss cunt, fuck yourself, pal, just fuck yourself.

Gary processes all this information. That's a lot to take in. So many potential responses. Finally, The Legend settles.

"OoooOOooooo!" he goes, raising an imaginary handbag to his chest. And what does Daz have to say in response to that?

Nowt. Fucking nowt, the poof.

[ToneLa]

Gary's white.

But his cock isn't

[ToneLa]

Gary's white.

But his cock isn't

BECAUSE YOUR MUM DOESN'T WIPE PROPERLY LOL

Daz: LEAVE ME ALONE SHE DOES

[ToneLa]

Legend Gary is a STATEMENT THREAD

This gets back to Legend Gary.

He isnae too arsed.

Being Legend Gary is a fuckin statement, no mistake.

[Glebe]

"I've nothing against The Gays, Daz, but I just feel it's gone too far the other way!"

"Just finish y'pint, Gary. Just finish y'pint."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary defends a gay from a rabid dog

Nervous that it will seem like the actions of a right poof he clarifies later that it was actually to stop the dog getting AIDS.

Basically doing them both a favour.

[Glebe]

"I hear you're a racist now, Gary!"

"Eh?! Who told you that?!"

"I'm only jokin', Ledge. It's, y'know, from Father Ted."

"Yeah, well, I am a racist, if that's what it comes down to. There's nothing wrong with being British - and I've had enough of them coming over here from Walla-Walla Land, takin' our jobs and that."

[ToneLa]

Legend Gary is not a racist.

Legend Gary is THE racist!

[Glebe]

"I mean, white guy black girl I get, some of them black birds is dead sexy, but white girl, black guy... it's just not right, Daz. Daz? Daz?"