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LEGEND GARY

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, February 09, 2016, 11:19:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

"Where you off to today then, Ledge?"

"Offie for Stella and fags, then it's up to the overpass. Rock throwing and pissing on cars. Wanna come?"

Glebe

"Look at that one over there! She's full-burka!"

"Y'know, I'd love to see you in a discussion with Richard Littlejohn, Ledge."

"Richard Littlejohn?! Who's he, one of them philosophers or summit?"

"Spot on, Gary. Spot on."

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary declares he would go bi for Johnny Depp - heard someone say that in 2002.

Glebe

"WOT?!? You're facking in for it, Shoulders! I told you that in good confidence!"

"You're hanging out with members of the forum now, Ledge? I've heard of breaking the fourth wall, but..."

"Fuck up Daz."

king_tubby

Pubes Daz introduces Legend Gary to Spice.

Two weeks later he's shambling wreck, living under a bridge and bothering no-one.

Pubes is awarded an MBE for services to the local community.

petril

Quote from: king_tubby on April 11, 2019, 11:04:11 AM
Pubes Daz introduces Legend Gary to Spice.

Two weeks later he's shambling wreck, living under a bridge and bothering no-one.

Pubes is awarded an MBE for services to the local community.

for many years afterwards, boring conversations are livened up for the three seconds it takes to explain why a man is just called "Pubes". Three seconds for normal folk, of course the Gary population is prepared to ramble for about eighteen minutes and two pints on why it was so good, followed by another twelve to explain that he unwittingly ate food contaminated with pubes once. Years and years ago.

OG rambles on to everycunt and naecunt at the same time, from under the flyover by the retail park. His picture adorns three "local characters" threads on some forums.

Darryl is investigated for benefit fraud because he keeps signing on with the name he's had since birth instead of just "Pubes". He is eventually cleared but an Act of Parliament has his name and all historical record of him changed to just say "Pubes".

madhair60

Letter in the paper.

To whom it may concern,

Fuck off, cunt

Yours,

Legend Gary

king_tubby

Ginger - arse. Baby - cunt. Sporty - arse. Posh - gob. Scary - no, nothing against them, but no.

Mr. Legend, this is the Royal Institution Christmas Lecture for BBC4.

Blue Jam

Legend Gary's home town launches a nice little competition to boost the profile of local businesses and make all the residents feel proud.

Ledge spends a day going round every local shop and swiping all the voting forms:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-47911190

"Well worth it Daz, well worth it."

Glebe

"I'm really going to enjoy this beef casserole I've cooked up for meself!" smiles Daz, as he sits down to enjoy the evening meal.

Suddenly, he hears voices and the sound of a fairly aggressive-sounding dog. The flat door bursts open and Ledge barges in, joined by 'Mental' Mark and his vicious pitbull McGregor. 'Mental' Mark is a seven-foot skinhead covered in homemade tattoos. He is just out of prison and has a face you would run a mile from.

"Alright, Daz! Here, Mark, this is the gay twat I was telling you about, me mate Daz, haha!"

"Alright Daz, I've heard a lot about you, y'fucking faggot cunt! Say hello to McGregor!"

The pitbull jumps up on the table and pisses into Daz's casserole. "Yeah cheers Mark."

king_tubby

For fuck's sake, Gary, this is a kids' playground.

Piss of, Daz. I needed a shit. And a piss. And a puke. And a wank.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: king_tubby on April 14, 2019, 08:49:50 PM
For fuck's sake, Gary, this is a kids' playground.

Piss of, Daz. I needed a shit. And a piss. And a puke. And a wank.

Laughed

Glebe

"Sorry to hear Julie left yah, Ledge."

"Not to worry, Daz. Bag of grass, six pack of Stella, FIFA '19, The Best of Ibiza Sounds, family pack of Wagon Wheels, sorted mate yeah bangin nice one cheers goodnight."

Glebe

"Alright Daz, how are yah?"

"Not bad, Gary, I-"

*WHACK*

"Fuck's sake, Ledge, what was that for?"

"Look a bit gay today, mate. Look a bit gay."

Shoulders?-Stomach!

After hearing that Muslims ritually wash 5 times a day, Legend Gary ups the stakes to 10. No way am I getting beaten by those cunts.

He finds it all a bit onerous and ceases his new regime after 3 days. Changes tack to "how can you be that shit at washing to have to do it 5 times?" The lads agree, especially Crabs Glen.

king_tubby

Crabs Glen is still a virgin in his early 30s, and his name relates to an incident on a school trip to Gibraltar Point.

Legend Gary bunked this and walked to Skegness where he got tops off the chief bridesmaid on a hen from Skelmersdale.

Glebe

"Alright, Ledge, what's-"

"FUCK OFF DAZ, JUST FUCK OFF, ALRIGHT?! YE CUNT!"

"Sorry, Ledge, I-"

"Nah, it's alright, Daz, just banter and that! Game of FIFA?"

Glebe

"That's it, Daz! Don't stop! I fucking love yah, mate! Yeeeeeeeessssss!"

The pair collapse back on the couch, sweating and exhausted in each others arms.

"Smashing game of FIFA, Ledge. Smashing."


king_tubby

Gary, it says here in The Times that a Mr Garfield Legend is the Change UK candidate for Yorkshire and the Humber in the forthcoming European Parliament elections.

Indeed, Daz. I even wrote 'Hard Brexit now, Knight Nigel and send them back' on the application form and old Chuckie Egg Whatisface still phoned me personally to offer the position.

Glebe

"Is there anything worse that being gay, Daz?"

"Being a gay immigrant, Ledge?"

"See, Daz, that's why I like you, mate. That's why I like you."

Glebe

Gary's mobile rings.

"Alright, Gary, where are you?"

"I'm in me dad's, Daz, watching telly and that."

"Oh right... sounds like a nice bit of family time with the old man!"

"Yeah, we're watching a video of a dogfight and drinking Stella."

Glebe

Gary rings Daz.

"Alright Daz, where are you, mate?"

"Hi Gary, I'm in a gay brothel being shagged by two blokes. I'll see you later."

"Er... alright Daz, em, see you later."

"Alright Gary cheers bye."

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary says women have an RGA never mind an RDA. Yes. Recommended Gary Allowance.

madhair60

Gary forms his own political party called, quite simply, Weeey.

Hey, Punk!

Gets his cock out again

'Never knock a classic'.

Glebe

"Blacks, orientals, gay ones, women's libbers, and now this transexites thing and that. What's the world coming to, Daz?"

"I think my controller's fucked. Pass us the joint, mate."

Glebe

"This Halloween Brexit, do we have to dress up for it, Daz? Daz? Daz?!?"

king_tubby

Here Gary, apparently it was Lesbian Visibility day yesterday.

And don't my balls and internet service provider know it, Darren.

Glebe

"I'm not racist, Daz, but there's too many of them gollies and orientals comin' over."

Glebe

"YES! Did you see the look on his face when I smashed his Marvel toy into the ground, Daz? Fucking weird-beard twat."