Grimsby / The Brothers Grimsby

[BlodwynPig]

and badgers, don't forget about the badgers.

[Glebe]

INT.COURTROOM.DAY.

JUDGE: It is this court's decision... that killing badgers because of TB is cruel and will no longer be tolerated!

BRIAN MAY (fist-pumping): YES!

Cue triumphant music. The whole court is on it's feet as MAY climbs over people's heads towards the door.

EXT.OLD BAILEY.DAY.

A crowd has assembled, with teams of reporters clamouring for MAY. MAY addresses the crowd - and the world.

MAY: NO LONGER WILL BADGERS SUFFER THE OPPRESSION OF BEING KILLED BECAUSE OF THE SPREAD OF TB! THIS WILL BE A DAY LONG REMEMBERED... FREEEEEDOM!! FOR BADGERS.

CROWD: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

VARIOUS REPORTERS: Over here, Mr. May! BBC! Mr. May, CBS News, American! Brian, Paris TV!

FREEZE FRAME on MAY looking triumphant.

THE END!

Closing theme!

[Pit-Pat]

The leaked draft I saw was more like this:

INT. ROYAL PALACE. DAY.

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE sits opposite a LOUNGING DEGENERATE-LOOKING MINISTER (played by Simon McBurney)

LOUNGING MINISTER:
You see, Toby, if you don't mind my calling you by your first name...

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE:
Actually, Minister, I do. I'm happy to tell it straight. Military men like me will let you have it with both barrels.

LOUNGING MINISTER:
Unfortunately Toby, mater and pater only saw fit to give you one barrel, didn't they. The matter is immaterial anyway. The music of Queen is outdated, regardless of her Majesty's tastes. It is too ambitious, too adventurous, too exciting. We want to celebrate Her Majesty, but not to go too far.
    Yes... the likes of "Lamar" and "Girls Aloud" are much more likely to keep the young dullards in order... And to please our friends in the corporate community.

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE:
You've not won yet, Ponsomby-Smythe. I will persuade Mr May, Her Majesty will give her assent and nothing will stop the Revolution. Mark my words.

LOUNGING MINISTER:
Hmm... We will see...



INT. BRIAN MAY'S PENTHOUSE. EVENING.

BRIAN MAY, idly playing an awesome guitar solo, is staring out across the capital

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE:
Mr May - Brian. Please. The people need you. Her Majesty needs you.

BRIAN MAY continues to stare at the sky

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE:
Even at the darkest times you have been there for us.

CUT TO:
BRIAN MAY is playing with QUEEN in Apartheid South Africa

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE: (V.O.)
And even in your own darkest moments you stayed strong.

CUT TO:
BRIAN MAY in hospital waiting room. A DOCTOR comes out shaking his head. Just visible behind him is FREDDIE MERCURY (played by Sacha Baron Cohen with false teeth)

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE: (V.O.)
But through all of it you have showed us the meaning of rising above adversity.

CUT TO:
Montage of BRIAN MAY bowing in front of the We Will Rock You crowd/Performing on stage with PAUL RODGERS/Receiving his doctorate

CUT TO:
BRIAN MAY standing in his penthouse, the HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE behind him

HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE:
Now, one last time, be there for us. Be there for Her!

BRIAN MAY looks around for the first time, his guitar solo reaches a crescendo...

CUT TO:



EXT. WESTMINSTER BALCONY. NIGHT.

Fireworks are going off in the background. LOUNGING MINISTER is surrounded by CORPORATE OVERLORDS

LOUNGING MINISTER:
[sarcastically]
A toast to Her Majesty then. "Happy and glorious" was it? Not to worry gentlemen, I think you will find the entertainment suitably middle of the road.

CUT TO:
BRIAN MAY, silhouetted but unmistakeable, is playing an awesome solo on Buckingham Palace roof

CUT TO:
LOUNGING MINISTER:
[slowly realising]
No -- it -- it can't be happening!

Behind him the CORPORATE OVERLORDS look panicked, their bodyguards moving in threateningly on the horrified LOUNGING MINISTER.

CUT TO:
BRIAN MAY, now fully lit, is playing triumphantly on Buckingham Palace roof.

THE QUEEN looks on approvingly. HONEST-LOOKING MILITARY ATTACHE is beaming behind her.

CLOSE UP on BRIAN MAY playing an awesome solo.

Black Screen.

Roll credits.

[Phil_A]

I can't wait for them to go into detail on how they recorded that version of We Will Rock You with the members of 5ive. Who'll be playing Abs??

[Steven]

Farrokh Bulsara: Brian May, I would like to sing for your band.

Brian May: You can sing, Farrokh?

Farrokh Bulsara: Well, I wouldn't want to blow my own trumpet, but a bit, yes.

Brian May: Right, you're in. Farrokh Bulsara, though, that name will  never work!

Farrokh Bulsara: Well, I usually go by Freddie, but what would you suggest?

Brian May: How about something.. elemental?

Farrokh Bulsara: Elemental?

Brian May: Freddie.. Chlorine? Radon? Molybdenum, no! Freddie Mercury!

Farrokh Bulsara: Freddie Mercury? I like it! But Smile? The band name has to go..

Brian May: Ah, we'll just call it Queen instead, no need for you to worry your pretty little head being involved in any of this important part of the band stuff.

Farrokh Bulsara: Splendid!

Gentlemen, we could pitch this scene to any studio in Hollywood and they'd be biting our fingers off for the movie rights.

[Glebe]

QUEEN II: FREDDIE'S REVENGE!

Company logo!

INT.QUEEN'S LUXURY CONFERENCE ROOM.DAY.

BRIAN MAY: Well, I've played atop Buckingham Palace and conquered the badger-killers... Deacon's retired, and you, Roger, have confirmed that you're Lars Ulrich's biological dad. What next?

ROGER TAYLOR: Hmm... another 'best of'?

BRIAN MAY: Nah mate... HANG ON?! What about a NEW ALBUM?!

ROGER: Yeah! We can give Paul Rodgers a shout!

INT.RECORDING STUDIO NEXT DAY.

BRIAN: Ready, Roger?

ROGER: Ready, Brian! Ready, Paul?

PAUL RODGERS: Roger, Roger! Ready, session bass player?

SESSION BASS PLAYER: Huh?

INT.CEMETARY.SAME TIME.

CEMETARY WORKER 1#: What's that spinning noise?

CEMETARY WORKER 2#: Oh my god... look, Freddie Mercury's coffin... its... its... rotating it's way through the very soil!

INT.RECORDING STUDIO.LATER.

BRIAN: That was great! Especially my ten-minute solo.

PAUL: Do all these songs have to be about badgers though, Brian?

ROGER: Wait... what's that noise?

A STUDIO SECURITY MAN stumbles into the studio. His throat is gushing blood.

STUDIO SECURITY MAN: Choke... Freddie... he's... he's...

BRIAN: FUCK! FREDDIE?!

ZOMBIE FREDDIE MERCURY: Braaaaaaaiiinnnnnnsssssss!!!!

THE END!

[Glebe]

What Sacha Baron Cohen Misses About Shooting Mockumentaries.

I used to have a lot of adrenaline there. Because you'd shoot the scene but it was really about how we'd shoot the scene without being arrested, or ending up in hospital, or being chased down the street by angry Hasids or red-necks. When you're shooting those movies; you know those stories, there are always those movies about criminals who are brought into the gang for one last thing. It's true, because you get the adrenaline of being chased by the police and FBI and CIA, and all these people were trying to stop us from making these movies. And you get kind-of cocky. You know there's a small group of you on the road, about 8 of you, and it becomes dangerous actually.

Same thing with Morris really, bothering drug dealers and winding up Frankie Fraser, etc.

[Glebe]

Wow... despite the big media push from Cohen, looks like this has laid an egg in The States:

Why 'The Brothers Grimsby' Is Sacha Baron Cohen's Grimmest Box Office Yet.

[Famous Mortimer]

If the CIA were actually chasing him, they wouldn't just let him drive off and then go "ah well, can't be bothered, he's all the way down the road now".

[An tSaoi]

That is a terribly constructed sentence. 1/10.

Your face is terribly constructed.

Ah yes, a mere month late.

[newbridge]

I actually liked this, in spite of myself (and in spite of the movie). "Shock" humor that is so ridiculous it crosses back over into being funny. I think it's largely that I just enjoy watching SBC though, as the thought of this movie with anyone else in the lead role is nauseating.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I was in a stroppy and pissed off mood tonight when I watched it but I ended up...well, enjoying is too strong a word, but it's of interest I guess. I mean it's horribly racist and homophobic in places, but the action scenes are largely fun, some of the gross out humour works, and the pure ridiculousness of the elephant scene did make me chuckle. It is a horrible movie, don't get me wrong, but if you're prepared to ignore the shit parts there are some fairly amusing moments.

[Glebe]

*bump*

Fox Searchlight Going For Sacha Baron Cohen-Michael Winterbottom Comedy 'Greed'.

I've not seen Grimsby, not arsed to be honest.