*** UNCLEAN***I'VE JUST GONE THROUGH THE PAPER!***UNCLEAN***

[mook]

ah mates!!! right up passed the first knuckle of my quite aptly named ring finger.

i've had at me finger with a nail brush & a pumice stone & SWARFEGA, but it still don't feel part of me. it's like an alien finger now.


really not happy, way too early in the day for this caper. i'm going to have to re-shower.

dreadful business.


thought i'd share though.


i didn't cry though.

[Blumf]

Mate!

http://www.dignitas.ch/?lang=en

[HupHupHup]

Ah, I'd imagined from the title that you'd just read through a lowbrow newspaper.

[mook]

it's my missus' fault, she forgot to buy the proper bog roll so got some from a cornershop as an emergency measure. you can't trust cornershop bog roll, not more than you'd trust cornershop meat products. it's just too risky

[Birdie]

Yeah, like it was an accident.

[hamfist]

Were you wearing a ring at the time ? Is it still on your finger - have you checked ? Because when she sees it's off she'll be all over mumsnet about it, "what does it mean ?", "is he seeing someone else ?", "why are men such bastards ?" and then still later, eating frozen cocoa based clichés she'll be posting "he said it went up his arse, why would he say that ?", "does it mean he's gay ?", "should I leave the bastard ?" and they'll be all "u ok hon" and "they all use that arse excuse" and "srsly leave the bastard" - please say it's not up your arse please. mook please. Don't leave me.

[Dex Sawash]

only solution is amputation

[great_badir]

right up passed the first knuckle

That's actually your elbow.

[TheFalconMalteser]

Limmy asks what would you do if while your finger was up there you felt a demon hang gently grab your finger and tug it further in.

[mook]

i still don't feel entirely right about it. bumtimes can be funtimes, we all know that, but not at pootimes. i feel that i've violated myself.

[great_badir]

Like an itch that needs to be scratched, huh?

[poo]

Gay

[mook]

Like an itch that needs to be scratched, huh?

oi...!!! don't make this out like it was a kinky thing. it was caused by substandard toilet tissue, bought by woman in a rush.

Gay

not gay... an accident caused by terrible bog roll.

[great_badir]

oi...!!! don't make this out like it was a kinky thing.

You say that, but then tomorrow there'll be a thread titled "TUH!!!  YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT, BUT I'VE GONE THROUGH THE PAPER AGAIN!!!!  TWO FINGERS THIS TIME!!!!  WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!!!!!".  And then on Thursday "THREE - THREE!!!! - FINGERS THIS TIME!!!!  I SAID IT WAS CHEAP PAPER!!!!!"

By the end of next week you'll be taking marrows at the fat end.

[mook]

^oh no mate... i've put in orders for FOUR PLY FROM NOW ON. this mustn't be allowed to happen again.

[TheFalconMalteser]

You lost the game of thrones bro.

[mook]

You lost the game of thrones bro.

well my finger did reek.

[great_badir]

See that hoop in your av?  Well that's how big your hoop will be once you've finished.

[thraxx]

Can you clarify that it was your own arsehole that you violated? And if it was, you should count yourself lucky.  Not many of us get a free self fingering pass like that. Shake a few hands and smirk to yourself - if only they knew.  I wish more people at work did that, well, some of the girlies anyway.

[Blumf]

not gay... an accident caused by terrible bog roll.

[Paul Calf]

^oh no mate... i've put in orders for FOUR PLY FROM NOW ON. this mustn't be allowed to happen again.

Classic overcompensation.

[monolith]

Brings back bad memories, was at work in a public loo, stomach felt slightly dodgy but generally all right, certainly no indication of what was to come, went for a final wipe and without warning exploded all over my hand, was like I'd dipped my hand in a bucket of paint but instead of paint it was watery shit with lumps.

Horrible moment and a horrible day, miraculously managed to not get any on my clothes by doing an amazing clean up job and then spent about 10 minutes trying to wash my hands once it was safe but I felt like I'd violated myself and didn't feel clean until showering at the end of the day. Still sometimes feel like that hand must have absorbed a bit and that it's not entirely recovered somehow.

tl;dr I can empathise.

[Blumf]

[mook]

Brings back bad memories, was at work in a public loo, stomach felt slightly dodgy but generally all right, certainly no indication of what was to come, went for a final wipe and without warning exploded all over my hand, was like I'd dipped my hand in a bucket of paint but instead of paint it was watery shit with lumps.

Horrible moment and a horrible day, miraculously managed to not get any on my clothes by doing an amazing clean up job and then spent about 10 minutes trying to wash my hands once it was safe but I felt like I'd violated myself and didn't feel clean until showering at the end of the day. Still sometimes feel like that hand must have absorbed a bit and that it's not entirely recovered somehow.

tl;dr I can empathise.

no! no & fucking hell no! what happened to you when you shat on your own hand is world away from what happened to me. i was sabotaged by the reckless shopping habits of a VENGEFUL woman. you shitting on your lill was no doubt due to over indulgence & failing concentrate properly.

[Attila]

Do like Mr Attila and use the entire roll at once, like a cotton bud with a big cardboard roll in the middle. For all I know he threads it though the toilet plunger and dabs it in and out of his special place as if he were churning butter.

It's the only explanation I've got for why he goes through a 12-pack of arse-wipe in less than a week, and why he takes so goddamned long in the bathroom every morning. It's the extra spring in his step and sly look on his face when he finally exits that's the giveaway that something not entirely wholesome is afoot in there.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Why can't you buy your own toilet paper? Are you getting so lazy these days that you can't even be arsed to leave the house?

[mook]

Why can't you buy your own toilet paper? Are you getting so lazy these days that you can't even be arsed to leave the house?

mook, do you want me to power him?

[mook]

mook, do you want me to power him?

yes, very much so. have at him at full GUSTO!

[mook]

Do like Mr Attila and use the entire roll at once,

look petal, it's not the quantity that let me down it was the QUALITY. it was structurally not UP TO THE IN JOB HAND.

[Cerys]

This would never have happened if you had a bionic arse.