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Do My Degree For Me

Started by Frinky, November 02, 2004, 12:03:17 PM

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Frinky

No, really.

While most of this "art-video" bollocks is piss and beneath me (well, this course, anyway, I should have worked harder at school, I guess), my current project is actually proving quite hard.

I've just OCR'd this, forgive any mistakes. Skip beyond the quote for the short version.


QuoteUniversity of Derby
BA(Hons) Film & Video

Brief for Video
Each student will devise and produce an individual video work. The brief is to make a "self portrait" - an expression of what you are about and where your vision lies. It should be a personal art work that somehow defines you. The brief is as open as you make it. It must be put together with thought for the sound as well as the picture, with considerations for its structure, form and pace and an understanding of what you are trying to make - a defined idea.
Students must observe the following:

1) Length: minimum: 2 minutes, maximum: 4minutes
2) Must have opening title and end credits
3) No pre-recorded sound to be used (no audio cd or any other source other than what you have recorded yourselves).
4) No pre-recorded video or film to be used (from VHS, DVD or other source)
You must investigate particular areas of formalltechnical interest within the making of the work. Don't be lead by content alone. Content and form must work together. Concentrate your formal considerations on one or two of the following:
Light and Lighting . Sound . Relationship of sound to image . Framing/composition . Lenses: focusl/perspective . Movement of camera/subject . Editing: structurelpace/rythmn/duration . Representations of reality/documentary . Narrative/storytelling . Visual metaphor.

Deadline for submission of "video"material is Friday 26th November before 4pm at the Student Office Britannia Mill. You will be given an assessment form. Assessment presentations of finished video works and Feedback will take place in the main studio on Thursday 02 December between 10.30 -17.00. All students must attend.

Yes, that's right, a film all about me for four minutes which includes all those arty theme things.

Anyone who knows anything about me (which, shamefully, will be anyone who reads half my posts), knows a project like this puts the shits right up me. The very idea of a self portrait of me projected onto a giant screen in front of 50 people breaks me out in a cold sweat.

Has anyone ever done one of these things before? I'm actually very worried about coming accross as a proper cunt, especially since I have very cunty hobbies (playing cunty music, playing with cunty sports cars, and, er, porn). But then if I don't include them, then I have nothing.

What I am about and where my vision lies?

I LIKE BUMS.

That's about all I've got so far. Despite what that photo may suggest, I have no truck with self important, arty pretention. I have no idea what I can do. I'm compiling some stock footage and have written a little bit of music for it, but I have no idea what to put in it, apart from John John John John Heeeg. But I havn't decided quite what role in my life he plays...

What would Jesus (whores) do?

Almost Yearly

Time lapse of hair recession.

From above, in the shower.

Due to limited time, you'll have to shave a little bit for each frame. You could have the clippings gathering in the plughole. Head slightly forward to cover genitalia. Do it on a day when there's no shoulder acne.

terminallyrelaxed

I think you should just walk around your neighborhood (so the campus, then) holding forth on all the issues that concern you, in lots of hilarious taes with different clothes on, like this chap:



edit: now why didnt that work? the cunts.

How about taking the "Movement of camera/subject " theme to extremes in a sort of Fast Show 'Brilliant' style, but more extreme way as you calmly talk to camera about how much of a cunt you are?  Make it like an informative lecture about you and about how people should steer clear of you.
So for the porn section the camera is attached to your wanking hand, pointing up at your face and moving backwards and forwards as you calmly explain your twisted preferences and why people should avoid you.
For the car section you could be explaining your love for fast cars as you walk towards a camera- we don't know where the camera is yet.  You get closer as you explain how you value cars over people.  At this point we realise that the camera is inside a car boot.  You climb in and continue explaining in darkness how sometimes when your own sports car is in the garage you have to make do with other people's as best you can.  Maybe at this point the car stops, the boot opens and a furious couple yell at you.  You climb out, punch the man, passionately kiss the woman and walk off.
We pick you up calmly playing the guitar and talking to camera about the importance of relaxation.  It all seems fine for once.  "Of course sometimes I realise I want to play a more expensive guitar than I can afford.  Then of course I have to take more extreme measures."  The camera starts shaking and pans round.  We see in a mirror that the camera is gaffer taped to the top of the head of a terrified, tied up hostage who is shaking with fear.  You give a cheery goodbye, pick up the guitar and walk out the room as the tied up person cries with fear.  
"See?  I told you I was a cunt."  Credits.

Edit:  Heh!  I hadn't looked at the image in the post above until after I'd written all this. Strange.

Film yourself committing suicide.  Make sure you choose a method that takes a few minutes to finally do you in, and obviously make sure that all your camera and lighting is spot on because you've got to get it in one take.  It will be a chilling incite into your final definitive moments in this world, and you'll get a First because you're awarded one automatically if you die whilst still halfway through the course.

Purple Tentacle

Hyper-slow-motion of a flaming DeLorean crashing at 88mph into Sophie-Ellis-Bextor's snapping legs, every fragment of bone and sinew flying and spinning out towards the lens, to the Blue Peter theme tune.

flumphead

You, perched on the hood of a convertible with the geetar singing & playing a classic driving song, something by Chris Rea perhaps.  Use blue screen to show a looping background close up of your rhythmically clenching nads.

Lt Plonker

Fucking hell, I'd hate to have to make a film about myself like that.

Perhaps you could do a sort of 'stolen sex vid' style piece, with yourself or metaphotical equivalent and a Sophie-Ellis lookalike involved in some sort of "romantic embrace".  You could be thrusting away with Doc Brown quoting 88mph over and over in the background. But your brief won't let you, will it. Bugger.

But I actually quite like pikey's idea. That'd be cool to do.

Santa's Boyfriend

Film yourself masturbating over some child pornography, hand the video to the police and film what happens.

poison popcorn

i really like sick as a pike's idea, that made me chortle.

Frinky

Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously. I'm an artist, damnit.

That, and I've become a horrible parody of myself, clearly.

Pike's is rather excellent, if I didn't have to spend the next 4 years of my life with the people (3 of which I would most enjoy copulating with) who would be seeing this, then you can bet your face I'd already be filming the wanking sequence.

I really should have taken a camcorder to the meet, and one to work, played with the whores/whores perception thing (although I ponder as to which would be hardest to explain).

Anyway, I have NOTHING down so far.

My mate is taking the non-arty, stupid route - he's basically gonna rip off several scenes from Spaced, which, yunno, is fine for him, but I dunno.

I think I'm just having trouble dealing with the realisation that I'm a really uninteresting person.

Edit; actually, no, I've got it! Partridge gave me the idea, I think. I'll let everyone back home think that I've gone and died, and send Heeeg to Watford to film all my friends giving a speech about me. Then I'll go home, tell them it was all a joke, and get a punch in the face.

Lt Plonker

Quote from: "Frinky"
I think I'm just having trouble dealing with the realisation that I'm a really uninteresting person.

Cobblers and Wank.

You think like me. If I was in your position, I'd be pondering the very same thing as you. Then you have a think, look around your room and see all the odd assortment of things you're intersted in and realise how unique you are. "People like a character." as my dad says.

How many people could offer a girl some horizontal rhumba in the back of a DeLorean?

88MPH! 88MHP!! Oh Baby, yes, 88MPH!!

Frinky

Hmmm, interesting theory, that "stuff in your room" thing, although that only really applies to home. The only vaugley interesting artefact I have here is a life size Coffee and TV carton-man thing. No stolen roadsigns, or any of the other student cliches, although I have a scar on my cock which might be interesting.

I'll probably end up using a DeLorean or three, it seems silly not to, given I live 30 seconds from a guy with a ton of the things. Gah, I suck at me.

I might just go bollocks to it all and spend 4 minutes prancing around as Jimmy Page in my halls room.

Why not take your apparent existential angst to its logical conclusion and do something based on existentialism and phenomenology.  Edmund Husserl, the father of phenomenology, said
Quote
I exist, and all that is not-I is mere phenomenon dissolving into phenomenal connections

Couldn't you use the idea that the one thing whose existence we can be indubitaly certain of is our own conscious awareness and play it for comedic value?  I like the idea of things dissolving or crumbling as you walk by them!

More depressingly, Martin Heidegger wrote about the problems of becoming ourselves.  He said that from the beginning our existence is a social and shared one and that our problem is becoming individuals of "finding an authentic mode of personal existence".  To do this, we have to make choices, but we have no certainty about their outcomes.  We long for our lives to have some foundation and meaning, but we can never be certain that these things actually exist objectively, and if they do not exist then our lives may ultimately be meaningless and absurd.  Therefore, we are condemned to a life of guilt, uncertainty and anxiety.  The essence of existence is confusion and loneliness.  Edvard Munch's The Scream expresses this pessimism.

That might be a cheery topic.

Krang

You should go for 3:30 of credits, the usual stuff

Frinky
As himself

Sound Manager
Frinky

Producer
Frinky

Exexutive Producer
Frinky

Director
Frinky

Almost Yearly

Quote from: "poison popcorn"i really like sick as a pike's idea, that made me chortle.
Me too. But film it in tango time (slow, slow, quick-quick slow). I'm sure it'll add a certain ... something.

;-p

Quote from: "Almost Yearly"
Quote from: "poison popcorn"i really like sick as a pike's idea, that made me chortle.
Me too. But film it in tango time (slow, slow, quick-quick slow). I'm sure it'll add a certain ... something. ;-p
Me in my best 'That's Life' voice says: "That has got absolutely nothing to do with me."