Main Menu

Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 03:55:33 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Wetherspoons Ted

Started by A Car With No Doors, August 04, 2016, 05:32:13 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
They call him Wetherspoons Ted.

Why?

Spoiler alert
dunno, he's a cunt
[close]

Glebe

With his flat cap, gilet and muddy boots, 'Weatherspoons' Ted McDonagh could often be found propping up the bar at The Satisfied Sheep Hound, in South Farley's, Britain's most unknown county. With a cheerful cry of "Aye, aye, cum baaack!", he would have the locals in tears. He didn't gain mass acceptance in the village, however, until the faithful night an illegal immigrant came in, one who had not properly clipped Mrs. Darrowways' hedge to the required height. Though rich, Mrs. Darrowway was cruelly ripped off by having to hand over £5 to the evil foreigner for his slipshod job, and it was only through Ted's forcibly dragging 'Umbago' out to the car park and viciously beating him to death that the day was saved.

The body subsequently disappeared, but it is rumoured that many chipped in to bury it beneath Mr. Bennett's rosebush. We stick together, round here. Civil justice has been served.

Wetherspoons Ted nipping for a piss. "That's our Ted!" the regulars cry, without specifying how needing to relieve his bladder makes him so unique.

"That's our Ted!" they cry as he enters the 'spoons with his arms aloft, grinning from ear to ear.

"That's our Ted!" they chortle after he dies in a wanking accident.

BlodwynPig

Wetherspoons Ted remembers the period from about 1974 to about 1999 when people like him were relevant. A few wars here and there, but nevertheless a comfortable, bucolic, and often rustic life of sunday dinners, ale in the week, rambling around, a kind of gentle naivety.

It was old countryfile, old songs of praise, last of the summer wine, gameshows with Jim Bowen.

Wetherspoons Ted blames Fred West for destroying all this. He opened the can of worms that lay at the heart of Britain. After all, people like Ted were not so naive. Not at all. The sick things that Ted and folk like Ted got up to behind lace curtains... well...it makes you glad to be glued to your smartphone, listening to that grime music, rolling news, fusion cooking.

Wetherspoons Ted still knows a place though...if you want to join him.

Dannyhood91

Wetherspoons Ted and his mate Terry talking unreasonably loud about bus routes after bumping into each other at a quiet Hallmark store.

"BUS ROUTES CHANGED USED TO GO'T TOP T'BRIDGE NOW GOES ROUN'T CRESENT"

"USED TO GO'T TOP T'BRIDGE DINT IT?"

"AYE GOES ROUN'T CRESENT NOW"

"WHEN DID THEY CHANGE IT?"

"WHEN IT STARTED GOIN ROUN'T CRESENT."

Glebe

He got his name by frequenting Wetherspoons. Eventually, whenever he would walk into the establishment, the staff would do a kind of 'acknowledging' bow and say, "Wetherspoons, Ted".

Sam

Wetherspoons Ted handwrote all the Brexit beer mats in the South West of England.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Might just have a coke today, chief

- It's Pepsi is that alright?

You what

- We don't have coke we serve Pepsi

I'm not having that




Pint of mild then

Glebe

Ted's a right cunt.

Flipping bastard.

*randomly starts wrecking things in anger*

Wetherspoons Ted won a competition to be on the McCoys crisp packets. You can see him on the little packets there, see:
there's a little pouch they've added to the back of the bag, like a little kangaroo's pouch, and you can reach inside and you'll get a stamp with his face on it.

BlodwynPig

"Sad news lads, Wetherspoons Ted is dead"

*groans*

"when's his funeral Jackie boy?"

"Funeral? No, we've just left him in the oxbow lake where he carked it"

pancreas

"He left a will, lads. His grey jacket (with the cigarette burns) goes to Twelve Pints Peter. His old blind Labrador (with the cigarette burns) goes to Crisps Mike, and his current wife Martha (with the cigarette burns) he wants to pass on to Legend Gary, if he'll have the rotten old slag."

Glebe

"I had just finished painting the patio when Nigel Havers came round. He's on his third wife now, little goer, apparently. He lent me his cravat for the Robert Maxwell Foundation dinner last Thursday. Oh look, there's Alan Yentob just come in! Get a proper job, Alan! It's alright, he knows me. Good at tennis. Another sherry, Ted?"

wetherspoons ted digs a grave for his nan with a pint on the go: never off the ball, that ted

Glebe

I saw Wetherspoons Ted today.

Twat.

BlodwynPig

To the tune of Postman Pat

Wetherspoons Ted
Wetherspoons Ted
Wetherspoons Ted and his Black and White Minstrel VHS tape

Hangthebuggers

Wetherspoons Ted is rumoured to have murdered his first wife.

Wetherspoons Ted wears a flatcap

On the inside is a picture of some tits: what a blighter

Shit Good Nose

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 05, 2016, 08:36:24 AM
Pint of mild then

"With a straw."

"...it's 8am..."

"Okay, a double whiskey as well then.  With a straw."


Wetherspoons Ted has also swapped his flat cap for a baseball cap, as is de rigeur.  "I'M WITH THE SHOUTERS AND SCREAMERS NOW!" he was heard to shout and scream when asked why.

Dannyhood91

Wetherspoons Teds circle of friends all resemble slightly reimagined versions of Leonard Rossiter.



Sput Fitba

Wetherspoons Ted won't hear tell of it, you can get him one some other time.

Beagle 2

While I'm waiting for my Amstel, Wetherspoons Ted aggressively barks a sentence at me, but the only word I can make out is "Chepstow".

Vodka Margarine

Wetherspoons Ted says he's right into his craft beer, because they don't come better crafted than a Newcastle Brown.

Wetherspoons Ted smokes a fag the wrong way round

mental

Glebe

Whenever he passes a Wetherspoons but does not enter, the manager must traditionally go to the door, doff his cap and pronounce, "As you are then, Ted". Ted must then go down on one knee and respond with the oath, "Not now, not now, but later I shall feast," before making his way further along the path, gently as she goes.

BlodwynPig

They all remember the time before Wetherspoons. The village pub, the country inn, the genial local in the larger towns. All with character, all with sub-standard but reliable ales.

Ted was a normal bloke back then. He'd sup 2 or 3 bitters and reel off stories about his hill farming years, or the time he rescued some bog-snorkelers in a storm.

Then came Wetherspoons. "Worse than heroin" remembers Philistine Fred, "that first night, 12 pints of Bishop's Finger at 1 quid a pop. His eyes rolling to the back of his head. He was in some sort of Nirvana. We stayed well clear."

"Then came the Curry club. Curry!" Pringle Sweater Jack interjects, "3 prawn madras' in a day. We had to carry him to the infirmary".


Glebe

One night Wetherspoons was mysteriously shut because of fire damage. So Ted popped next door to Nando's for his evening repast. Spitting his chicken meal on the floor, he cried, "This Sprite is too cold!" He subsequently stormed out without paying, but not before shooting Nando's Ned a look that said, "I'll be back, and in greater numbers."

Vodka Margarine

Wetherspoons Ted is caught half inching entire HP, vinegar and ketchup bottles. "Well it's not my bloody fault they stopped doing those little sachets, is it?" protests Ted as he's bundled out again.

See you tomorrow, Ted.

BlodwynPig

Wetherspoons Ted gives Hungerford Harry the eyeballs.

"I knew your Uncle" he seethes.

Wetherspoons Ted used to be a member of the Lincolnshire Wrestling Guild but he doesn't like to talk about it