Worst recurring feature

[Action Fish]

A regular item on a TV or radio show which doesn't work, you don't see the point of or which just makes you plain angry.

I'm irked whenever I catch 'The National Anthem' on Steve Lamacq's 6 Music show. Lamacq is a perfectly pleasant, crisp-fuelled man, although so boring that famously he drove Richey Edwards to carve '4 REAL' into his arm just in order to stay awake during an interview. For this feature he picks a tabloid story and invites listeners to suggest songs related to it, and then he reads out the bleeding lot. So say a lion had escaped from London Zoo; you might get:

Spaceman, by Babylon Zoo
The Lion Sleeps Tonight, by Tight Fit
Streets of London by the Parkinsons

...and so on, and so on, throughout the show. No puns, just songs with any link to the story, each read out with a wry chuckle. I don't see the entertainment value.

What are yours? Alternatively, just list songs related to a lion escaping from London Zoo.

[doppelkorn]

The fucking omelette challenge

[doppelkorn]

Another one actually. About 7 years ago my (now) wife would get up before me and put Radio 1 on while she got ready. It was Chris Moyles, and I'd try and ignore it to snatch the last few seconds of precious sleep. All I remember was a recurring feature which seemed to take place every day with no obvious point.

One of the breakfast posse/crew/cabal/shitforcuntsbandwagon would do a call and response thing with takeaway items, and the rest of the crew would shout it back.

"When I say kung pow you say chicken!"

"Kung pow..."

"CHICKEN!"

"Kung pow..."

"CHICKEN!"

"When I say rice you say and pea!"

"Rice..."

"...AND PEA!!

"Rice..."

"...AND PEA!!

Never understood what the fuck they were on about, but christ did it wind me up.

[Puce Moment]

I will watch chat shows until the cows come home, but the ubiquity of the opening monologue will never fail to surprise me. Why is it used so much by so many? They are fucking awful. I even find myself annoyed that they are used on The Eric Andrew Show and he is always deconstructing its shitness.

I often download or stream Conan's chat show (because it is the best) and I almost always skip that section.

[Brundle-Fly]

It has to be the 'Wanker Of The Week' section in The Girlie Show.

Total lack of "Do I have to do this?'conviction from Sara Cox in the link below. And then a revival of Lance Percival's recurring TW3 comedy calypso to compound the mean-spirited shitness of the whole item.

Andre, ultimately has the last laugh, of course.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSAaQgPwSa4

[Bazooka]

The fucking omelette challenge

Great choice, they are never cooked so if you are clever about it you would just cook it in 2 seconds or so and plate it up so it cooks whilst sitting there.

[kidsick5000]

The fucking omelette challenge

Is this the Saturday Kitchen segment?
Was it ever completed?

[Small Man Big Horse]

I will watch chat shows until the cows come home, but the ubiquity of the opening monologue will never fail to surprise me. Why is it used so much by so many? They are fucking awful. I even find myself annoyed that they are used on The Eric Andrew Show and he is always deconstructing its shitness.

I often download or stream Conan's chat show (because it is the best) and I almost always skip that section.

I watch Conan every once in a while as Mrs SMBH is an enormous fan and I completely agree with you. It's odd as some of the sketches and desk bound gags are really inventive and fun, but the monologue is almost always very average fare and I'm surprised Conan hasn't either got bored of doing it or tried to change things up a little.

[Brundle-Fly]

I never liked Wagbo in the later TV Burp series. In fact, all that knitted X Factor stuff left me cold.

[chand]

I will watch chat shows until the cows come home, but the ubiquity of the opening monologue will never fail to surprise me. Why is it used so much by so many? They are fucking awful. I even find myself annoyed that they are used on The Eric Andrew Show and he is always deconstructing its shitness.

I often download or stream Conan's chat show (because it is the best) and I almost always skip that section.

Yes, Graham Norton's are always weirdly terrible even though the format of the rest of the show is good and he's a very competent host. But the monologues at the beginning, while mercifully brief, were always shite, especially in these days of social media where every topical joke has been done to death on Twitter by the time the show goes out. Alan Carr's are even worse.

Actually I'd also nominate the Graham Norton chair-flipping segments, where some poor sap tries to fumble their way through an anecdote only for Norton or some Hollywood prick to pull the lever because they didn't like their face or accent.

The Saturday Kitchen omelette challenge is shit too, I agree, there's relatively little joy to be had in watching some up-and-coming chef needlessly have to make a gross-looking omelette in 19 seconds, and the tedious debate about whether the resultant goo technically qualifies is always boring.

[kngen]

Mrs Cameron's Diary in the Graun - never have so many fish been diverted away from so many barrels for so long.

[kidsick5000]

Yes, Graham Norton's are always weirdly terrible even though the format of the rest of the show is good and he's a very competent host. But the monologues at the beginning, while mercifully brief, were always shite, especially in these days of social media where every topical joke has been done to death on Twitter by the time the show goes out. Alan Carr's are even worse.

Actually I'd also nominate the Graham Norton chair-flipping segments, where some poor sap tries to fumble their way through an anecdote only for Norton or some Hollywood prick to pull the lever because they didn't like their face or accent.

Norton's monologues still feel lazily nasty. Not intetionally, but the gags are the obvious ones and the type that you'd not say to the person's face. Compared to the bulk of the show which is much friendlier and relaxed and about as good as celebrity chat shows get.

I also find Norton's (or any) audience participation excruciating

[Clatty McCutcheon]

If we're including newspaper/magazine features, most of the regular cartoon strips and 'comic' features in Private Eye have got to be up there. Some of the one-off cartoons are not bad, but who can get anything much out of things like 'It's Grim Up North London?' or 'Celeb.'  Slight variations on a one-dimensional 'satire' for week after week, year after year.  It is slightly impressive in a perverse way to see how many slight variations of essentially the same joke the writers manage to wring out to keep the strip going though.  The same with 'Yobs' which adds a dose of snobbery too.

[Dr Syntax Head]

The fact that entire Keith Lemon TV shows were recurring drove me to a period of deep despair

[Puce Moment]

I watch Conan every once in a while as Mrs SMBH is an enormous fan and I completely agree with you. It's odd as some of the sketches and desk bound gags are really inventive and fun, but the monologue is almost always very average fare and I'm surprised Conan hasn't either got bored of doing it or tried to change things up a little.

I don't think anyone really touches Conan when it comes to the chat show format - at least not since Letterman retired. The odd thing about Conan is that everything he does that breaks away from the chat-show format is always fantastic. The outside special segments he does are really the best thing about the show - again, like Letterman. He did one just yesterday on the streets of Harlem that was wonderful. Also, his visits to Ireland and Armenia with his assistant Sona, and the stuff he did in Korea was great. I really like Clueless Gamer a lot as well.

This is in contrast to the other chat show hosts whose non-chat skits and games I find utterly fucking abominable, unfunny and dumb.

[chand]

If we're including newspaper/magazine features, most of the regular cartoon strips and 'comic' features in Private Eye have got to be up there. Some of the one-off cartoons are not bad, but who can get anything much out of things like 'It's Grim Up North London?' or 'Celeb.'  Slight variations on a one-dimensional 'satire' for week after week, year after year.  It is slightly impressive in a perverse way to see how many slight variations of essentially the same joke the writers manage to wring out to keep the strip going though.  The same with 'Yobs' which adds a dose of snobbery too.

About half of Private Eye is/was unbearable (I don't read it often now), and I'd include pretty much all the comic strips in that. Particularly the football one which was just "Footballers are thick!", and the one about supermodels and how they were vacuous and also hilariously skinny.

The literal worst recurring Private Eye feature is the section of the letters page dedicated to pretend letters from names which are meant to be amusing puns. Letters from Ivor Lottamoney, or Mr I.L.B. Back, or Willy Orwontee, like the shittest hashtag game on earth.

[Jockice]

Mrs Cameron's Diary in the Graun - never have so many fish been diverted away from so many barrels for so long.

Without any doubt the least funny thing I've ever read in my life.

[Icehaven]

About half of Private Eye is/was unbearable (I don't read it often now), and I'd include pretty much all the comic strips in that. Particularly the football one which was just "Footballers are thick!", and the one about supermodels and how they were vacuous and also hilariously skinny.

The literal worst recurring Private Eye feature is the section of the letters page dedicated to pretend letters from names which are meant to be amusing puns. Letters from Ivor Lottamoney, or Mr I.L.B. Back, or Willy Orwontee, like the shittest hashtag game on earth.

They stopped doing the pseudo names thing ages ago now, but otherwise agree, a lot of is just literally the same, or too similar, jokes every week now, they desperately need a good shake up and to replace a lot of the regular stuff. A couple of the long running, occasional things like the story about Charles waiting for the Queen to die are interminable and can't ever have been funny.

And for TV, that blonde weatherwoman on BBC Breakfast. The affected way she says 'Scotlind' makes me want to push her over a cliff.

[thraxx]

They stopped doing the pseudo names thing ages ago now, but otherwise agree, a lot of is just literally the same, or too similar, jokes every week now, they desperately need a good shake up and to replace a lot of the regular stuff. A couple of the long running, occasional things like the story about Charles waiting for the Queen to die are interminable and can't ever have been funny.

The worst recurring part of Private Eye is most of the 'funnies' bit in the middle, which I now just skip, but the absolute skyscraping worst is the 'From the messageboards' bit.  They even interviewed the bloke that did it (it's so shit that I just assumed that it was cobbled together by the journos the day before printing), and he was such a smug self-satisfied wanker, you'd have thought he'd written a sonnet worthy of Shakespeare every edition.

Counterbalancing all that is Craig Brown's ever excellent 'Diary'.

[Enzo]

The worst recurring part of Private Eye is most of the 'funnies' bit in the middle, which I now just skip, but the absolute skyscraping worst is the 'From the messageboards' bit.  They even interviewed the bloke that did it (it's so shit that I just assumed that it was cobbled together by the journos the day before printing), and he was such a smug self-satisfied wanker, you'd have thought he'd written a sonnet worthy of Shakespeare every edition.

Counterbalancing all that is Craig Brown's ever excellent 'Diary'.

Great stuff guys!

[Replies From View]

All the kids these days are throwing water bottles with a spin, trying to make them land on their bases.  A youtube channel appears to be responsible for spiralling them into this horrific excess.

[The Duck Man]

Agreed about opening monologues. Tonally, Norton's seem like a hangover from the days of So/V Graham Norton which were quite bitchy shows. They're a definite weak spot compared to the rest of the show and I don't think anyone would mourn their loss, especially when the format of interview shows isn't as calcified here as it is in the US.

[Pit-Pat]

the absolute skyscraping worst is the 'From the messageboards' bit.  They even interviewed the bloke that did it (it's so shit that I just assumed that it was cobbled together by the journos the day before printing), and he was such a smug self-satisfied wanker, you'd have thought he'd written a sonnet worthy of Shakespeare every edition.

I really enjoy it.

I completely agree on the "funnies" bit though - I entirely skip that too.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I don't think anyone really touches Conan when it comes to the chat show format - at least not since Letterman retired. The odd thing about Conan is that everything he does that breaks away from the chat-show format is always fantastic. The outside special segments he does are really the best thing about the show - again, like Letterman. He did one just yesterday on the streets of Harlem that was wonderful. Also, his visits to Ireland and Armenia with his assistant Sona, and the stuff he did in Korea was great. I really like Clueless Gamer a lot as well.

I love those episodes as well, the Armenia episode especially, and  I'm very fond of the Scrapisodes specials as well. But if anything it's the thing that frustrates me the most about Conan as I really wish he would create other types of comedy series, considering the freedom given by netflix and the cable channel right now I think it could be something really really special. But he seems to love the chat show game and that takes up all his time alas.

This is in contrast to the other chat show hosts whose non-chat skits and games I find utterly fucking abominable, unfunny and dumb.

I've no time for any of them now, even Colbert which is a shame as he like him a lot, and some of the interviews are interesting, but the show as a whole bores me.

[easytarget]

I love John Oliver. I was concerned when he popped up on The Daily Show many years ago, "this fucking very, very average comedian? this is who is representing my country to Americans, fucking hell" - but he was alright, then he got good, then he got great. TWT is excellent and he fully deserves the respect he's getting. Yay him.
However.
Those sketch-type bits at the end of some of the shows (Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, that one about car loans, the home depot thing with Ron Swanson - anything where they bring in a celebrity guest) they're... not good, and they look expensive.
Jokes from behind your desk, John, more of them please.

[Quincey]

If we're including newspaper/magazine features, most of the regular cartoon strips and 'comic' features in Private Eye have got to be up there. Some of the one-off cartoons are not bad, but who can get anything much out of things like 'It's Grim Up North London?' or 'Celeb.'  Slight variations on a one-dimensional 'satire' for week after week, year after year.  It is slightly impressive in a perverse way to see how many slight variations of essentially the same joke the writers manage to wring out to keep the strip going though.  The same with 'Yobs' which adds a dose of snobbery too.

Why is Yobs snobby? It's only having a pop at yobs and their partners, not the working class as a whole.

The political sketch in the Times is just awful. Only people who are really well off and happy with the nation can enjoy it, surely. Simon Hoggart's one in the Guardian isn't much better.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Simon Hoggart's one in the Guardian isn't much better.

Yeah, his writing standards have really dropped since he died about three years ago.

[Icehaven]

Why is Yobs snobby? It's only having a pop at yobs and their partners, not the working class as a whole.

There was one a few weeks ago where a 'yob' used the word preggers, and the next week there was a letter (possibly 2) saying how unlikely it was that that character would say preggers.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Why is Yobs snobby? It's only having a pop at yobs and their partners, not the working class as a whole.

I think it's a question of context as much as anything.  Any time this magazine, which is so inextricably linked with posh public schoolboys, sees fit to publish anything in any connected with 'working class' life, it tends to be a load of trite, witless and strangely dated tosh.

The main problem is its complete unfunniness though - I mean this one is on a par with that Fred Basset stuff from the Daily Mail or wherever it is.  A couple wait to take a lift, until 3 slightly thuggish individuals show up, and the man suggests taking the stairs instead. It's not even really a joke, is it?



The cartoonist himself, Tony Husband, states on his website:

I got a letter from Ian Hislop asking me if I'd like to do a strip called Yobs. He liked the skinhead gags I did for The Eye. He said he'd give it a short run to see how it went. That was nearly 25 years ago. I love Yobs. It's been great fun getting revenge on some skins who beat me up in the early 70's.

It just smacks of Hislop and co trying to get hunmour out of something they feel is beneath them.  I would say that Private Eye does still publish a lot of revealing stuff that others won't touch, but as a humourous publication it's largely hopeless.

[JesusAndYourBush]

All the kids these days are throwing water bottles with a spin, trying to make them land on their bases.  A youtube channel appears to be responsible for spiralling them into this horrific excess.

There's even a name for it.  I don't remember what it is but I had to look it up on urbandictionary recently to see what the heck someone was talking about, and yeah, they were talking about that flipping bottles thing.