Christmas Desolation

[buttgammon]

All of your racist relatives decided to have a celebratory Brexit-themed dessert this year, replacing the usual Christmas pudding with a bowl of blackening bendy bananas, which they subjected to an hour of racist abuse before eating.

[Thomas]

^{(love the avatar/text combo, buttgammon)}

Boxing Day. By unenthusiastic consensus, an old Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas special is put on to whittle away the digestive hours. At the sight of the titular matriarch, Granddad begins mindlessly wanking under his blanket, perhaps without even realising. Nobody has the heart to stop him. Mum nips quietly into the kitchen to fetch napkins.

[idunnosomename]

Rudolph ram raids an Oddbins

[Kryton]

Nana coughs a load of old cancer onto the remaining mince pies.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Colin remembers he's forgotten to love his family again this Christmas.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

A woman from Coventry reads her son's letter to Santa, and deliberates over whether Santa should send him the machete or the Pornhub subscription this year.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Rudolph ram raids an Oddbins

Very cleverly, dunners has written this line in a way that makes it possible to sing it to the tune of the opening line of the actual song " Rudolph The Red- Nosed Reindeer". Well done, dunners!

[petril]

your proud pro-Brexit Take Back Control stance is matched by the amount your family spend all day humiliating you about how the No-Deal is going to go, in your own home. you try getting angry and threatening but they just laugh and say "sit back down son"

[the midnight watch baboon]

It's been a tough year, croons Jim on his homemade John Lewis ad. And that's why I'm going to string the grandkids up like hairless ferrets in me en bloc garage.

[petril]

you wait, nervously, in a cold, empty flat on Boxing Day. nobody should know you're here, but what if they come anyway? they'll have found out what happened by now. they know, and there's nowhere to run

[the midnight watch baboon]

Infants. Give 'em enough tinsel and . . .

[jenna appleseed]

Santa Zippy is coming to town.

some real life listening to too much Christmas radio to try and feel christmassy desolation:

A bunch of people claiming to be the Three Degrees at some point got forced to record a boring version of Last Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVCSbtvM9aQ

Michael Booblay needs to be banned from recording any more Christmas songs.
He's ruined All I Want For Christmas Is You ffs

There's too many versions of Do They Know It's Christmastime? and I managed to hear most of them in one day.

Lost whamageddeon less than 2hours in to the first of December.

Elton John still isn't singing Be Your Christmas Tree.

Tommy Steele & some annoying 'cheeky' kids did a version of  Must Be Santa that make's Bob's sound the best thing he's ever done.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1FzTJKlQUo

[jenna appleseed]

Nobody plays Bruce's hammy/ corny fake laughter Santa Claus Is Coming To Town any longer
just checked it out on youtube out of wierd nostalgia, 90s Virgin used to play it all the fucking time & I never liked it.

It's still a bit lot of cheesy shit innit.

eta: don't think this 'offical audio' version is even the one they used to play, thought that one had a longer list of instruments he wanted for christmas.

even the reindeer on the cover isn't feeling it (also why are they all in the bath with Santa? and why the fuck is their a hippo and a demented parrot? )

[jenna appleseed]

Also I recently discovered this exists
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_lSknrGqDA

I literally cannot tell if Iggy was being ironic.

[jenna appleseed]

local news Christmas dinner desolation

https://www.basingstokegazette.co.uk/news/18968233.tony-williams-75-will-dine-alone-christmas-day/

"A 75-year-old widower who launched an appeal for a companion at his Christmas dinner table will now dine alone - having rejected a vegetarian's offer of company.

Tony Williams insisted he would rather spend December 25 on his own than 'have a lettuce for Christmas dinner'.

After losing his wife to cancer this year, he launched his appeal, placing cards around the town where he lives promising a 'sumptuous feast, fine wines and good conversation'.

However, despite receiving offers from several women, Mr Williams has decided he would rather eat alone than suffer the task of preparing vegetarian food for his guest."

[jenna appleseed]

Nobody plays Bruce's hammy/ corny fake laughter Santa Claus Is Coming To Town any longer
just checked it out on youtube out of wierd nostalgia, 90s Virgin used to play it all the fucking time & I never liked it.

It's still a bit lot of cheesy shit innit.

eta: don't think this 'offical audio' version is even the one they used to play, thought that one had a longer list of instruments he wanted for christmas.

Oh for fucks sake, first Absolute Radio played it again to prove me wrong, followed by bob's Must Be Santa just to troll me
and it turns out the 'I want a rickenbackerguiter.'... bit I remembered was from Tom Petty's own (almost) totally forgettable christmas song (Thanks absolute classic rock).

Absolute are also doing 'If Christmas is a bit tough..very tough..' 'look up tips on mental health on our website' PSAs between  the Christmas songs and adverts (well at least once, I've heard the psa once and the we have no idea what the fuck is happening but if you've got a business you need to be ready for brexit ad several across their stations (might be a pre-roll  ).

[batwings]

[petril]

gran finally shuts up because Mrs Browns Boys is on. hopefully that'll calm her.

the running time is spent with all the dialogue drowned out by gran, announcing to the room, then everyone in order, repeating, "That's a man, you know? It's a man. He's a man." she does it every episode

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Ireland's Chief Medical Officer confirmed today that the new variant of COVID-19 is present in Ireland.

[Ferris]

Santa catches his ballbag on an errant sleigh nail.

[Uncle TechTip]

Plenty here, starting with that cushion she's holding. From this miserable article

[Mr Eggs]

^Bloke with flowers looks like he's about to end it. Whatever the fuck it is.

[batwings]

Dozens of residents die at Belgian care home after Santa visit

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/dec/31/covid-outbreak-hits-belgian-care-home-after-santa-visit

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Drinking Christmas Dinner flavoured vape juice to the sound of Shakin Stevens

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Alternatively, Stoneage Dinosaurs bumps his own thread for the fifth year in a row and nobody posts in it

[batwings]

Being roughly violated behind the Oxfam but they've got a Santa hat on.

[pancreas]

The Angel Gabriel turns out to be part of Clowne.

[Captain Z]

Real-life Deso #1:
DPD makes its delivery drivers enter "a bit about me", "country of origin" and "favourite tune" on their app.

Real-life Deso #2:
Favourite tune: Evergreen Will Young

[the Fallen]

Cock stuck in cracker but nobody will pull

[the Fallen]

You're the funniest at the table this Christmas

What with all the stuff going on