Christmas Desolation

[Spoon of Ploff]

A hospice worker carrying out mercy smotherings on Christmas Eve doesn't even bother up dress up for the occasion.

i refuse to karma you twice in the same day

[Head Gardener]

sorry, I thought the thread was Christmas decoration

[Shit Good Nose]

A couple feels sorry for a friend who has just gone through a messy and expensive divorce and has no other family, so they open their doors to him on christmas day.  The friend arrives, having not brought any food or drink to add to the day, speaks little and helps himself to the festive dinner three times.  Afterwards, he helps himself to a triple shot of the couple's best single malt, sits down in the husband's favourite chair, turns on the TV and falls asleep to the emotional alternative christmas speech on 4.  Two hours later, the friend wakes up, gets his coat, helps himself to a handful of Ferrero Rocher and several Walnut Whips and, making his way to the couple's door, mutters "well that's the worst christmas I've ever had", and leaves.  The couple, speechless at their guest's behaviour, then notice that there is nothing left for their budgeted-for boxing day buffet, so the next day they have to go to the only place open - a branch of Chick-O-Land.  They are served cold chicken[nb]legs the size of your fist[/nb] and chips by a morose teenager.

[vanilla.coffee]

A black and white Scrooge film with the sound off.
The promise of a shag turns into a lonely Tommy.

[Shit Good Nose]

A black and white Scrooge film with the sound off.

A colourised black and white Scrooge film.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Christmas blood in an Asda greeter's stool

[Spoon of Ploff]

"Tell me boy. What day is this?"

"Piss off, nonce!"

An hour later an angry mob burns his house down.

[Fishfinger]

Jo's Christmas cracker contains a slip of paper with a childlike scrawl: 'help they are raping us now'. She just bins it.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Christmas Morning. Wife to husband, kids in earshot opening their presents: 'Why are we still together?'

[BlodwynPig]

It's Christmas everyday for Keyvan after he developed a rare form of locked-in syndrome upon eating a dodgy prawn cocktail on Christmas Eve 1988

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A stencil!

Great, thinks Harriet, I can snap off bits and drag the shards into my arm!

[Shay Chaise]

I remember my dad throwing Christmas dinner against the wall and shouting at my mum. My brothers and I went to bed early and scared.

[batwings]

After a long day's work at the shopping centre, a tired man stands at his kitchen sink and scrubs the piss and cum out of his Santa suit.

A lonely cunt wraps tinsel around his favourite Fleshlight.

[Spoon of Ploff]

t'was the night before christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring.... the coroner's ruling was death by carbon monoxide due to a faulty boiler.

[poo]

Santa fucks a kid

[Glebe]

Who's that fat, jolly fellow coming down the chimney?

It's Stephen Fry, who tells you he has no sympathy that you he's got all soot all over the carpet - just get on with it.

#Twinings

[Fishfinger]

Santa fucks a kid

Santa fucks your kidneys.

[vanilla.coffee]

Santa returns to his grotto in the Luton Arndale shopping centre only to be greeted by the kids older brother who demands a wasping.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A frozen spider web's stark beauty is thawed by the viscous, beany flob of a hefty lorry driver.

(on Christmas Eve)

[hamfist]

A 41 year old father of two waits two hours for the AA to fix his car on Christmas eve, so that he can gas himself before the inevitable fight with his wife on Christmas day.

[Fishfinger]

A crow shatters a frozen slug with a single desultory stab.

(on Christmas Eve)

[Sam]

Christmas dessert: strawberries with balsamic vinegar, but clods of flesh instead of strawberries and malt vinegar instead of balsamic.

[Glebe]

The socks you got off your nan - your only gift - are shop soiled, and the burnt turkey twizzlers you're eating alone in a dark kitchen are going to make you violently ill.

[Fishfinger]

In the hands of a child, a plastic toy becomes a fearsome weapon of terror. An entire family - shot to bloody pieces. Limbs fly, an eyeball implodes. The subsequent waves of chocolate grenades, dinosaurs and roaring trucks are all but superfluous. Later they will play Scrabble.

[pancreas]

'Whaddyou mean she's already drunk?'

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Santa gets called gay

[pancreas]

Santa says he won't give Frankie a Muslim genocide for Christmas and gets a shiv in the thigh.

[Sam]

Santa cancels Christmas 'cause he 'can't be arsed'.

[Fishfinger]

A game of charades reaches its nadir when Uncle Terry attempts 'The Human Centipede.'

[Spoon of Ploff]

A game of charades reaches its nadir when Uncle Terry attempts 'The Human Centipede.'

Or so they thought.. until cousin Luke attempts Last Tango in Paris