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Christmas Desolation

Started by Stoneage Dinosaurs, December 21, 2016, 11:18:50 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Quincey

Bob bought crackers from a mysterious clown in the street. He pulls one with his wife. The joke was a photo of his wife cheating on him with his brother, the hat is the one he wore when he strangled his dog, and the novelty toy is his dead sister's face stretched over a lampshade. Bob hangs himself as the clown watches, wanking, from across the street. He waves bye bye to Bob as Bob's neck breaks before selling some more of his special crackers.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Quincey

Tina drops her locket with her picture of her dead dad in the christmas pudding and custard she is about to serve to her nan. Just as she goes to fish it out, her brother graps the bowl and gives it to her nan. Her nan eats the pudding, locket and custard. Tina is reduced to monitoring her nan's toilet visits and checking the bowl after each visit to see if the locket has fallen out. The locket ends up wedged inside her nan's stomach, infecting the wall of it and giving her nan a slow painful death. Tina blames herself and kills herself a week after her nan is buried.

derek stitt

Chestnut stuffing is found in the rectum of a recent cot death

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A new born baby is dragged out of a barn and raped

Shay Chaise

A young couple pull a cracker. The joke is about erectile dysfunction. They both reach for another cracker really quickly and have a big swig of wine.

hamfist

Ron saved his one christmas card to open on christmas morning. He's just got an individual turkey ready meal out of the freezer and poured himself a drop of ginger wine.

Aw ha ! - it plays a tune - 'we wish you a merry christmas'. Ah he sighs. From his only surviving family  - his late brother's step-daughter who lives in Australia now.

~

'We wish you a merry christmas' slowly bleeps out of the open card. "Turn that shit off" barks the paramedic. "And open a fucking window, he stinks"

Shoulders?-Stomach!

On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day in the mourning

pancreas

Mad uncle Roger is discovered trying to fit the Yule log up his bum.

Bit of spray cream and it'll be okay.

the midnight watch baboon

An enraged Nidge luzzes a Christmas poinsettia at mute twins after Mrs Brown's Boys runs out of pause time on the Tivo.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A child's Uncle is Michael Gove.


derek stitt

A truly Victorian themed Christmas gives everyone cholera.

jenna appleseed

The overpriced chocolate coins taste bitter & soapy.
"Oh well", the pro Bexit voter consoles himself as he forces himself to swallow the whole bag's worth, "at least they're proper British chocolate currency, brought from a British shop. None of those nasty foreign Chocolate Euros".

The label says made in Holland.

jenna appleseed

Mum's too severely depressed to do Christmas again.
At least this year she hasn't been sectioned.

#reallifeseasonaldesolation

hamfist

She lies, broken and bleeding under the mistletoe. He got his way again. He always does.

Glebe

It's been a pleasantly quiet evening, with the occasional chuckle at Morecambe & Wise causing mild spikes of joy to issue forth in the pleasure areas of the brain. But now Uncle Jerry has reached 'bad' levels of drunk, and the offer of a mince pie (which he hates) leads to all kind of ructions, and by 4:30AM the emergency services have been called and the street is on fire.

Sam

A poorly-paid worker in a vague gift shop is verbally abused by a bored man looking for scarfs.

derek stitt

Quote from: Sam on December 27, 2016, 02:41:51 AM
A poorly-paid worker in a vague gift shop is verbally abused by a bored man looking for scarfs.

which one was you?

Quincey

A man dressed as a snowman is collecting money for charity. After the sixth "fuck off" he goes home and hangs himself in his snowman costume. The friction from the snowman costume rubbing against the wooden doorframe starts a fire which burns down the house, killing his pet snake and causing burning embers to fall onto the little girl next door. Her skin graft is partly funded by the charity the man was collecting for.

Stoneage Dinosaurs

We bring great gifts, to the baby Jesus

I bring gift cards
I bring Lynx Africa
I bring formaldehyde

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A cement works' xmas tree just sort of rolls away and into a fence

Ferris

Quote from: Fishfinger on December 22, 2016, 09:39:18 PM
Jesus Christ kicks off his untimely return to Earth with an aggressive wave of intellectual property lawsuits.

Superb

Ferris

An over-gunpowdered cracker takes out half the street. One family is annihilated seconds before they tuck into their lovely turkey and potatoes.

Gregory Torso

The note pinned to his chest just said 'MERY XAMS U BITCH'.

ollyboro

None of the watching parents could understand the artistic necessity for the naked Nativity scene, and all were appalled at the sight of Miss Timpson frigging herself off in the wings.

ollyboro

Grandad dies of Peritonitis just as the result of him stuffing the Christmas Pinata with his colostomy bag are revealed to his hated family.

BlodwynPig

It's nearing 3pm on August Bank Holiday and Dementia Doris settles down to tune into the Queen's Speech but is instead treated to 3 hours of Ed Sheeran doing Gangster Rap versions of Michael Jackson hits.

pancreas

'Are you enjoying your Christmas pudding, children? Eat it all up for mummy!'

Their faces turn red and begin to choke.

Stoneage Dinosaurs

Tragically for the infant Christ, there was room at the Premier Inn

buttgammon

The Three Wise Men are retrospectively considered part of the culture of paedophilia that existed among famous people in the first century.