Author Topic: Why don't Americans have proper names?  (Read 13570 times)

Sam

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Why don't Americans have proper names?
« on: January 27, 2017, 12:04:16 AM »
After the nickleback discussion in Oscillations, I was thinking:

Why are American (men, usually) called things like Chad and Skip? Even when they have a name like David, their second name is Krutunkleson. Silly.

Rocket Surgery

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2017, 12:10:40 AM »
Because they're all fat.

Joking aside, they are all seriously fat named all their cities after other cities, so we ought to applaud their creativity in inventorising some new person names.

up_the_hampipe

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2017, 12:16:04 AM »
Even when they have a name like David, their second name is Krutunkleson. Silly.

You raging anti-semite.

Mr Banlon

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2017, 12:24:46 AM »
There's 1000 Grahams in a Kilo

Nowhere Man

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2017, 12:24:55 AM »
Cuck Rogers in the 21st 1/5 century

Ian Drunken Smurf

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2017, 06:56:32 AM »
Hoyt P Phucknuckle III has become my fictitious septic goading name of choice - as it symbolises a lot what of what is wrong with the USA. It is wrong on so many levels:

1) HPP III would be called trey for being the third in a row with that name.
2) Hoyt is how one should drink ones Korfee
3) To be III means that two people called Hoyt P Phucknuckle were vain enough to name their offspring after themselves.
4) HPP III will doubtless graze on retarded processed foods with fucking stupid names likes Tayter Tots, eat shitty instant macaroni cheese and have 42 cup holders in his car.

Dozy fuckknuckles...

Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2017, 07:10:30 AM »
I was watching the skiing the other day and there was an American woman called "Breezy", which I thought was a ruddy stupid name. Why Americans can't have good, decent names like "Nigel" and "Susan" I don't know. Silly.

Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2017, 07:18:29 AM »
Hoyt P Phucknuckle III has become my fictitious septic goading name of choice - as it symbolises a lot what of what is wrong with the USA. It is wrong on so many levels:

1) HPP III would be called trey for being the third in a row with that name.
2) Hoyt is how one should drink ones Korfee
3) To be III means that two people called Hoyt P Phucknuckle were vain enough to name their offspring after themselves.
4) HPP III will doubtless graze on retarded processed foods with fucking stupid names likes Tayter Tots, eat shitty instant macaroni cheese and have 42 cup holders in his car.

Dozy fuckknuckles...

As a child in the 70s, I read in the Radio Times about a series called The Red Hand Gang, in which one of the characters was played by someone called James Bond III and thought WTF!?

Ian Drunken Smurf

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2017, 07:30:56 AM »
As a child in the 70s, I read in the Radio Times about a series called The Red Hand Gang, in which one of the characters was played by someone called James Bond III and thought WTF!?
I met an American called Jay Cook V - who I assume has a son called Jay Cook VI - and he said his great-great-grandfather Jay Cook I was only called Jay because his parents had not been able to decide whether to call him John or James.

James Bond III was the guy with the glasses in RHG - I hoped one day he'd direct a bad autobiographical film to invoke a twitter shitstorm of irate septics feeling duped that there was no sign of Daniel Craig or whoever in the title role

biggytitbo

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2017, 07:33:26 AM »
Wolf Blitzer is not a character from a final fantasy book but one of the many absurdly named American news anchors.

Ian Drunken Smurf

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2017, 07:40:52 AM »

Wolf Blitzer is not a character from a final fantasy book but one of the many absurdly named American news anchors.

Visions of a NutriBullet filled with vulpine flesh...

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2017, 07:41:04 AM »
Slab Gastin
Belg Reglant
Brantllin Hwodlock
Pauld Gahghgargh
Hamblem Qualdort
Berner Staflgeyser
Spack Polmod
LaBrad Doolendorf
Fohen Peegle
Xavier LeGrande
Milly-John Carthage
Stam Pastibe
Pierre Hitler
Gombul Handbeek

Ian Drunken Smurf

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2017, 07:45:45 AM »
Rufus Doofus Jnr.
J. Hyram Gropecunt III
Yancy Tucker
Doogie Howser, MD
Chandler Bing
Rosco P Coltrane

Replies From View

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2017, 07:52:53 AM »
Bruiser.  As an actual first name.  I'm guessing it derives from Bruce - most likely the Yanks misheard it because they are equal parts deaf and stupid.

To be fair though, I like its ambiguity.  It could mean you're a tough guy who goes out bruising folk, or it could mean you're the soft, sensitive type who bruises easily.

Attila

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2017, 08:07:37 AM »
There was a guy who played for Major League Baseball called Spike Owen. This was his given name, not a nickname.

http://www.tradingcarddb.com/Images/Cards/Baseball/64037/64037-28Fr.jpg

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2017, 08:17:28 AM »
Well, you say it's all Americans, but that raging prick Jacob Reese-Mogg named his latest child Alfred Wulfric Leyson Pius Mogg, and I was once on a training course with an Irish fella called Clen Sten (pronounced Cleen Steen). 

I also, genuinely (have mentioned it several times on CaB in the past) worked with a chap called John Schitte (and it was pronounced Shit as well), although his parents were German, where Schitte is a very common surname and, of course, doesn't mean shit, so I suppose that one doesn't really count.

Buelligan

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2017, 08:23:32 AM »

Chad, the only human, earlier

BlodwynPig

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2017, 08:29:30 AM »
There was a guy who played for Major League Baseball called Spike Owen. This was his given name, not a nickname.

http://www.tradingcarddb.com/Images/Cards/Baseball/64037/64037-28Fr.jpg

Spike Milligan was British. Spike Lee American, its not such an unusual name.

I hate the Ch names

Chad
Chuck
Cheb
Chob

BlodwynPig

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2017, 08:30:03 AM »

Chad, the only human, earlier

A man with a great future.

hanging

Attila

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2017, 08:30:10 AM »
I have a second cousin called Chad who is probably in his late 40s by now (haven't seen him since I was about 10, and I guess he was maybe 6 or 7 then.) With him and with a school friend of my brother (who would be in his mid-60s), Chad was short for Chadwick.

Not much of an improvement really.

Currently I have a student called India Ocean [Double-Barreled Surname].

There's also a guy in my Roman studies course called Julius Caesar [Surname].

BlodwynPig

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2017, 08:31:39 AM »

There's also a guy in my Roman studies course called Julius Caesar [Surname].

A man with a great future.

Attila

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #21 on: January 27, 2017, 08:33:14 AM »
Spike Milligan was British. Spike Lee American, its not such an unusual name.

I hate the Ch names

Chad
Chuck
Cheb
Chob

With Spike Owen, though, his parents bestowed the moniker hoping he'd grow up to be a huge, brooding athletic type (Spike in the US invokes an image of big kids on the playground shaking you down for money, or is the name of mean, giant guard dogs). Spike Owen looks like Beaver Cleaver. So not that it's unusual, just the disconnect between image and reality. Happy Days also played a similar disconnect for laughs by having a small kid play Fonzie's tough little cousin Spike.

Attila

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #22 on: January 27, 2017, 08:33:33 AM »
A man with a great future.

I've told him to watch his back.

Buelligan

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #23 on: January 27, 2017, 08:44:51 AM »
A man with a great future.

hanging

Weirdly, because this picture is old, he looks like he has Donald tattooed on his arm, which is a duck's name (according to the Americans).  As any decent English person knows, a duck is called Jemima.

Attila

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #24 on: January 27, 2017, 08:50:39 AM »
Weirdly, because this picture is old, he looks like he has Donald tattooed on his arm, which is a duck's name (according to the Americans and Ray Davies).  As any decent English person knows, a duck is called Jemima.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3nvJ2hmaUI

(Not to contradict you, but an excuse to listen to the song again)[1]  :)
 1. considering I just landed myself an original UK mono version of the LP a couple days ago, huzzah!

Buelligan

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #25 on: January 27, 2017, 08:53:38 AM »
The man's called "Ray", what do you expect?

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #26 on: January 27, 2017, 08:56:20 AM »
Quote
I hate the Ch names

Chad
Chuck
Cheb
Chob

Cheb is a medium sized town in western Czechia, and captain of the Lacrosse team.

Cuellar

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Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #27 on: January 27, 2017, 09:21:18 AM »
Reince Priebus

What the fuck? Rinse? Raynce? Preebus? Prybus? WHAT?

Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #28 on: January 27, 2017, 09:31:24 AM »
After the nickleback discussion in Oscillations, I was thinking:

Why are American (men, usually) called things like Chad and Skip? Even when they have a name like David, their second name is Krutunkleson. Silly.

In America you can be whatever you want to be. Want a tiger to guard your home? Fine. Want a chimpanzee butler? No problem. Want to be called Hank or Kip or Ike? Go nuts. Nobody will bat an eyelid. You could name yourself Blood Massacre and people would just accept it in America. The USA is like one giant university.

Re: Why don't Americans have proper names?
« Reply #29 on: January 27, 2017, 09:36:03 AM »
I was watching the skiing the other day and there was an American woman called "Breezy", which I thought was a ruddy stupid name. Why Americans can't have good, decent names like "Nigel" and "Susan" I don't know. Silly.

One of the main actors in Freaks and Geeks is called Busy Phillips. Always wondered about that one and checking wikipedia it's a nickname and her real name is a very respectable Elizabeth. Having said that I think Americans are more likely to adopt their nickname like Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin and Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. How many people know Tiger Woods's real first name?