Desolation III: The Arid Mind

[Glebe]

Felix kept his stoat Nigel in a shoebox under the bed. It was all rather sweet, until the morning he removed the lid and found that Nigel had gone rabid. With one bite, Felix was turned into a foam-mouthed zombie, and within a week the whole estate had been infected. The army were called in, and 102 zombied herberts were shot on sight. Amid the carnage, Nigel escaped and now lives happily in Burnham on Crouch with his family and other animals.

[Spoon of Ploff]

"Wasp! Wasp! Go away!!!"

The broken old man stands rigid in the middle of the street bellowing at the tops of his lungs.

But there is no wasp.

There's not even a bluebottle.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Do you wish to order Baying Slappers #13?

Yes.  /    No.

The package arrives via courier within 24 hours. It contains brick dust and a maggot.

[Glebe]

It's been a rough week, but what a beautiful sunset...hang on, do you smell smoke?

[madhair60]

Aaaand preserved!

Desolation 1

Desolation 2

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Office penis addict Tanya doesn't want yours.

[Rocket Surgery]

Somebody, somewhere, spends over one hundred English pounds on sex toys, largely to convince the busty sales assistant that he hasn't forgotten that it's Valentine's Day.

[Glebe]

Roger Golightly was in good mood. He'd paid off his bank loan, and was all packed for a weekend in Swansea. Then the worms began, loosening his bowls and making his colon all wonky.

[BlodwynPig]

[Spoon of Ploff]

It genuinely makes me feel sad.[nb]that you couldn't be bothered to correct the orientation of this image[/nb]

[BlodwynPig]

It genuinely makes me feel sad.[nb]that you couldn't be bothered to correct the orientation of this image[/nb]

It was the right way up on my desktop. And becode has no rotation option. Fuck it. Desolation.

[Fishfinger]

A slovenly delusionist imagines guessing a Pointless answer. "There are no flies on me!" he says to himself, affecting a bad American accent. There are, though.

[pancreas]

The pus slakes down the sickened skin congealing around the streaks of dried blood. The half-masticated sausage roll lies ejected a few inches from the mouth. The people step over the body lying in the doorway of Argos. It is spring.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A haulier drains a can of San Pellegrino Pampelmousse down his escort's maw and guffaws.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

A sad-sack buys a dented can of peas whilst cursing missed opportunities.

[MoonDust]

An Oxford graduate student tuts at everyone in the dole queue whilst waiting to sign on.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

They said I couldn't score in a Brothel fucking look at me now quivers Derek.

He volleys a football into the slag's head.

[pancreas]

Since the Pontefract BHS shut down, the backstreet abortion clinic has had to start reusing its coat-hangers.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Spock masturbates

[Berthas Fat Leg]

A sunday school teacher literally can't stop thinking about cock.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I say school teacher
I mean bird-shat-on trespassing predatory paedophile

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Buy low sell high says a veteran stockbroker

Murder Japanese schoolchildren says a veteran stockbroker

Better consume this acid says a veteran stockbroker

[Cuntbeaks]

A mother of five immolates herself in a shed,  in Wales.

A man in Greenock is beaten senseless with a wheelie bin lid.

In Port Glasgow,  an overdosing junky is dragged to a derelict to die by her friend. Her boyfriend is arriving shortly.

[BlodwynPig]

Derelict Danniellza wins the lottery. Blows the entire (£1) win on penny chews. The price of penny chews in 2017 is £1 per chew.

[Spoon of Ploff]

A severely depressed RE teacher goes through the motions explaining the Easter story to a class of bored seven and eight year olds. They perk up some when he gives them all chocolate Easter eggs, even if they do taste a bit funny. By the end of the lesson the class has fallen eerily quiet. Better this way he thinks, they're with Jesus and the angels now. Just to make sure he picks up a large King James bible and works his way alphabetically along the rows of desks.

[Glebe]

"One lump or two?"

"Two please, Fred." George was worried about Fred. His cuppa addiction was getting out of hand, and as his erstwhile friend brewed another good pot, he surveyed the 127 cups laid out before him.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A man shrivels like a salted slug at the prospect of mum ever escaping.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's Celebrity Backheel Volley A Beggar's Possessions with me Reg from The Bill

In my pants in the kitchen

[Spoon of Ploff]

At the Pig and Monocle pub an intense interrogation of punters takes place after the Double Six goes missing from the one remaining set of dominoes. In the end, as always, they blame Terry... and everyone agrees that the glassing that follows is a genuinely cathartic experience.

Bob is triggered by a train ticket to Sittingboune he finds in an old pair of Y-fronts.

[Dannyhood91]

Luke warm vegetable water.