Infantilisation

[Blumf]

Spotify trying to sell me a premium account, telling me about "uninterrupted music", says what else is good that's uninterrupted - "uninterrupted pint of ice cream".

Followed up by uninterrupted shitting through the eye of a needle the next day.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Hi Sebastian,

We're installing smart meters in your area and you can book an installation now.

Smart meters are so good, we've written a poem about them:

Smart meters are here -
We've mentioned it before.
They replace your old gas and electricity meters
But they tell you so much more.

Get more accurate energy bills
From automatic readings -
It's an easy way to check
On your recent proceedings.

Knowing more about your usage,
Can really help you save.
Spot your energy-efficient appliances
And the ones that misbehave.

Our meters are second generation,
So if you switch they'll stay smart.
Our installing engineers are local -
Are you ready to make a start?

Hit the button below
To book your installation.
Together we'll make the grid greener -
And be a slightly smarter nation.

Book an appointment
Speak soon,
Team Bulb

[imitationleather]

Written by a complete bulb from the sounds of it.

[bgmnts]

That ABCB rhyming scheme mind...

[touchingcloth]

Spot your energy-efficient appliances
And the ones that misbehave.

Does the poet have any idea how smart meters actually work?

[Sebastian Cobb]

Minorly annoyed by the passive-aggressive first verse, yes I have been ignoring their beggy emails to get one, because I don't want one and they don't provide a 'no thanks mate' button.

[BlodwynPig]

Hello again Sebastian Cobb
Please book an appointment
Don't be a nob

Yours,
The Bulb

ps. we're watching you from your neighbours smart meter. You may delete your search history, but we've kept it nice and stored.

[Cuellar]

If their smart meters are as slipshod as their poetic metres they can fuck off

[touchingcloth]

Seb Cobbina, il catalogo è questo
del tuo sordido utilizzo;
un catalogo di auto-abuso elettrico;
Osservate, leggete con me.

Su PornHub seicento e quaranta
Feticismo del piede due cento e trentuna
Cento per due ragazze, per una tazza novantuna;
Ma per pederastia son già mille e tre.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Dear bulb,

For every email you send me about this, I'll burn a tyre.

Cheers,
Cobb.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Seb Cobbina, il catalogo è questo
del tuo sordido utilizzo;
un catalogo di auto-abuso elettrico;
Osservate, leggete con me.

Su PornHub seicento e quaranta
Feticismo del piede due cento e trentuna
Cento per due ragazze, per una tazza novantuna;
Ma per pederastia son già mille e tre.

Seb Cobbina, this is the catalog
of your sordid use;
a catalog of electrical self-abuse;
Watch, read with me.

On PornHub six hundred and forty
Foot fetish two hundred and thirty-one
One hundred for two girls, for a cup ninety one;
But for pederasty they are already a thousand and three.

Now that's poetry.

[NJ Uncut]

Appreciate the message, Virgin Trains, but the Be a Hero patter is fuckin abysmal



The background being a photo of flowers also arguably qualifies.

NB that's not my piss on the lid. Mine was added after this shot was composed.

[idunnosomename]

well hopefully 2019 will be the last we ever hear from virgin trains toilets trying to be funny because they lose their last line here (west coast mainline) in december

[Sony Walkman Prophecies]

Appreciate the message, Virgin Trains, but the Be a Hero patter is fuckin abysmal



The background being a photo of flowers also arguably qualifies.

NB that's not my piss on the lid. Mine was added after this shot was composed.

Reminds me of all the job ads that from several years ago where they'd ask for a 'rock star journalist' or a 'rock star copywriter'. Call me an old Mr. Grumpy, but I never bothered applying. All I want to do is type away in silence for 8 hours, file my copy, then go back to my bedsit to write my dystopian vision of the future, like that Orwell. In fairness, I have landed something quite similar to this, though the sales guy did call me "the content king" the other week, so there's still a good chance it could all go south.

[Sebastian Cobb]

https://www.realhomes.com/news/the-le-creuset-star-wars-collection-has-us-moving-to-the-dark-side?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=dlvr.it

[Blue Jam]

Bought an Innocent "Bolt From The Blue" juice drink the other day. It had "turquise marine" printed in tiny letters on the label. Concerned this was some nasty additive of the kind Innocent would NEVER use, I Googled it, and OH FFS:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6988767/Innocent-launch-new-Bolt-Blue-juice-Twitter-adamant-green.html

It looks like this is a nod to a TWITTER STORM which involved Duncan from out of Blue. GET IN GRAVE.

Annoyingly it tastes very nice and is on offer quite a lot so I will keep buying it, but I now insist on calling it Blue Drink like I'm from Sunderland and using it to wash down me chicken dippers.

[idunnosomename]

a nice reminder since virgin lost their last UK rail franchise and the west coast line is now operated by Avanti, the toilets no longer attempt to be funny

[ToneLa]

a nice reminder since virgin lost their last UK rail franchise and the west coast line is now operated by Avanti, the toilets no longer attempt to be funny

Fuckin hell timing on this. I posted that Virgin Bogs thing under my last alias, and last the night I booked a trip to London on Avanti what used to be Virgin

Will scope out the bogs. They better not be hilarious, cutesey or fun!

[idunnosomename]

just don't expect the wifi to work. i think they still have the movie streaming thing though

[Sony Walkman Prophecies]

The future: Children of Men but with Hello Kitty.

[touchingcloth]

Thank fuck Avanti have rebranded everything.

[Icehaven]

Why do some otherwise functioning grown adults think the acceptable response to an offer, or even a mention, of food they don't like is to make vomiting, "gak" motions? If a kid did it they'd (hopefully) get ticked off, so why do supposed grown-ups not see how rude and embarrassing for them it is? It's equal to standing up at the table and saying "I need to go poo-poo" in a baby voice. Fuck grow up.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Why do some otherwise functioning grown adults think the acceptable response to an offer, or even a mention, of food they don't like is to make vomiting, "gak" motions? If a kid did it they'd (hopefully) get ticked off, so why do supposed grown-ups not see how rude and embarrassing for them it is? It's equal to standing up at the table and saying "I need to go poo-poo" in a baby voice. Fuck grow up.

There was a notorious clip of BBC TV cook Fanny Cradock holding her mouth and pretending not to vomit after a woman guested on her show and mentioned a particular delicacy she often prepared.

[magval]

Why do some otherwise functioning grown adults think the acceptable response to an offer, or even a mention, of food they don't like is to make vomiting, "gak" motions? If a kid did it they'd (hopefully) get ticked off, so why do supposed grown-ups not see how rude and embarrassing for them it is? It's equal to standing up at the table and saying "I need to go poo-poo" in a baby voice. Fuck grow up.

Girls at work do it. It's loud and horrible. More of a 'bwuugh' sound.

[ToneLa]

Thank fuck Avanti have rebranded everything.

that's my first class train down to London fucked then

[Icehaven]

There was a notorious clip of BBC TV cook Fanny Cradock holding her mouth and pretending not to vomit after a woman guested on her show and mentioned a particular delicacy she often prepared.

What an old cunt.

[idunnosomename]

avanti genuinely love hot air balloons. the golden age of ballooning and all that. whats the big deal

[idunnosomename]

What an old cunt.

yes she was genuinely being a fucking cunt for no reason and it basically ended her career, so hardly anything to absolve young people's behaviour today.

[bgmnts]

Girls at work do it. It's loud and horrible. More of a 'bwuugh' sound.

Next time you talk to them about a food that would maybe make them go "bwuugh" just say something very quickly like "oh by the way i'm gay" or something before they even have a chance. That way you can cancel the fuck out of them in public.

[MrMrs]

Legit lol there, good work