I can't even drive

[Barry Admin]

Put on Forza Horizon to drift about aimlessly for a bit, try and relax and chill out. Can't do it, because I CANT EVEN DRIVE.

I can get decent at most types of games, but driving games have always been a nightmare. My mind just skitters about too much, hyperactively OCD seizing on minor details, or going off on flights of fancy.

"Oh look, the dashboard has an icon that tells you what gear you're in" - WALLOP - straight into a tree.

What sort of games - or game tasks - are you shite at?

[Chairman Bodog]

Are you a scuff mother beast at kart racers though?

I'm not very adept at simulators in general. It's a very niche area for hobbyists rather than casual gamers.

[Kelvin]

I'm hopeless at any fighting game that isn't Smash Bros. Can't remember the moves, can't link them into combos. Don't even understand how you're meant to work out which moves lead into each other. I end up just spamming the same moves over and over, like an arsehole.

What's most bizarre is that during the SNES era of games, they're almost all I played. I think I just liked them for the fatalities that were so common at that time, but it's incredible to think that I never played games like Super Mario World and Link to The Past back then, because I was too busy playing games like Primal Rage and fucking Clayfighter 2.     

[biggytitbo]

Football games. A 5 year old would destroy me on Fifa.

[Shay Chaise]

Great thread, already several laughs, let me think about it.

[mobias]

If I'm being brutally honest with myself I'm pretty much shit at most aspects of all games. Which is partly why I'm enjoying my Farming Simulator so much - it involves me doing fuck all. The hardest thing you have to do is feed cattle the right way.

But with your normal gaming I like open world games a lot since you can approach them in your own way. You don't have to be the best shooter or driver to enjoy GTA, for example. Its ok to be an average or poor gamer in that sort of game. With something like Bloodborne you have to be great at fighting games and RPG's to enjoy it, which i'm not. I'm shit at fighting. I would have given up on Witcher 3 if it didn't have such an amazingly engrossing world, and you could dial back the difficulty level too, which helped me.

Driving games I can get good at eventually. It takes me a lot longer than most though I think.

Shooting games I can get good enough at if they have an arcade feel to them. Star Wars Battlefront keeps me going back to it. I think I'm about rank 70 now.

[LanceUppercut]

You need the brake assist on on Horizon,  I'm great on games like forza 5 and project Gotham but could not do Horizon for the life in me, started to hate the game because you kept Fucking off half a mile in the wrong direction if you made a mistake. Turned the brake assist on I had a boot nearly completed it just storm island to go.

Piss take you have to pay DLC for a map to show you where all the xp boards are though.

[touchingcloth]

Football games. A 5 year old would destroy me on Fifa.

This for me, too. I'm not a football fan in general though so I don't understand much about tactics and what have you, and part of it is that I only ever play football games if I happen to be with a group of people who are into them, and they always lie about the controls to their own advantage.

"X to tackle, O to pass, B to take a shot, that's all you need to know."

"What, how did you just do a sliding tackle?"

"X plus B."

Cunts.

[touchingcloth]

Beat 'em ups I find are only really enjoyable when you're paired with someone who matches your own incompetence. Notihing worse than being a button masher squared up against a combo connoisseur.

I've never been very good at PC first person shooters in multiplayer mode. I enjoy the single player modes (usually on easy mode or with prodigious use of cheats - I just like the aimless maiming, I can't be doing with the sweaty palms of trying to fight off horde after horde of skilled enemies), but I've never really developed a flair for aiming with a mouse. Actually, the only multiplayer FPS I can remember being decent at and enjoying was Goldeneye on the N64. Less precise controls than the PC, but there was something glorious about turning autoaim off, setting it to pistols only, and ending up in a circlestrafe to the death with the person sat next to you.

[Chairman Bodog]

Beat 'em ups I find are only really enjoyable when you're paired with someone who matches your own incompetence. Notihing worse than being a button masher squared up against a combo connoisseur.

I recall writing down every Tekken combo for PS1 and scanning religiously. For an ego wank, I asked my nan to play me. She button mashed a perfect round because I was scratching at the trick notes I furiously scrawled. Bitch.

She died of gallstones. God rest her soul.

[Thursday]

Street Fighter baffles me as it's all precise stick movements and timing, can't reliably do anything, and there's moves I just can't do because I don't even kwow what I'm doing wrong. With Tekken 3 I at least I understand button combinations. I knew how to get Eddy Gordo to do all those things deliberately.

[LanceUppercut]

This for me, too. I'm not a football fan in general though so I don't understand much about tactics and what have you, and part of it is that I only ever play football games if I happen to be with a group of people who are into them, and they always lie about the controls to their own advantage.

"X to tackle, O to pass, B to take a shot, that's all you need to know."

"What, how did you just do a sliding tackle?"

"X plus B."

Cunts.

Fifa mate I   couldn't play it for years as it was getting too complicated, Fifa 16 has a two button mode a to pass and x to shoot.

[Barry Admin]

Are you a scuff mother beast at kart racers though?

I don't think so, no, I remember getting my arse whipped a lot in Mario Kart games.  I was eventually alright on the Wipeout games, as I'd be exhausted and stoned when I played them, so my mind slowed down and I wasn't permanently distracted by my own internal monologue, or by trying to read the decals on the other cars, or whatever.  GTA V was a total shit-show too, I'd do well at all the 'running about sniping cunts from a mile away' and general mayhem-making.  Then you'd get to the end of the night, and someone would invariably go "shall we have a race?", and I'd sigh, and agree, and then spend the rest of the night raging at DNF[nb]Did Not Finish[/nb] screens, with everyone laughing at me over their headsets. It's just as well I never actually got the motorbike I planned to get a few years ago, I'd end up catching sight of a Ricky Gervais poster out of the side of my eye, and drive straight into the back of a lorry while internally constructing a CaB post about him. To this day, my Mum still hates me going out on my mountain bike, because as a kid, my auntie was driving about and saw me riding with no hands in the middle of the road, swerving wildly back and forth, and looking all around me like a fucking meerkat.

The worst thing is, that I have spent years wanting to impulse buy a steering wheel, and the impulse gets almost uncontrollable at times.  When I bought Forza Horizon 2 in a sale a few weeks ago, the hunger started again.  I lay in bed watching all these incredibly nerdy videos about steering wheels, and all the different methods they have for implementing force feedback, and blah blah blah.  Was absolutely desperate to spend a long time saving to buy something I knew I'd use for about half an hour. 



Sports games?  Yeah, most of 'em, cause most sports bore me, I guess.  I downloaded NBA2K17 recently when they had some free trial days, and it is bobbins.  I remember having fun with the old NBA Jam games, but in the NBA2K ones it's just all too real and boring.  Basketball seems to be a gentlemanly game where each team takes it in turns to run up the court, and have a go at scoring.  Back and forth, back and forth, for 4 interminable fucking quarters.  If you try tackling someone when it's not your teams turn to run up the court with the ball, the referee gives you a bollocking, and eventually sends you off for being greedy.

[asids]

Strategy games are my bane. I actually quite like some of them and would want to get into them but I'm just too shit at them to do so. I can't really figure out why, I guess it's because I can't really deal with the overload of potential choices when you have to do all this stuff in real-time and I just ruin everything. It's not even the thinking aspect of it really, because I am inclined toward puzzle games and I'm decent at them (until I get about halfway through, can't figure out a puzzle and them ashamedly look up the solution on a walkthrough). I guess I'm just much more comfortable with the idea of having everything necessary in front of you rather than going "Oh should I build this building or maybe build this unit wait how many should I build oh no I'm low on this resource shit I'm wasted 3 days game time".

[Twed]

hyperactively OCD seizing on minor details, or going off on flights of fancy

As a sort-of related matter, having OCD and learning to drive as a 30-something has been horrible. I hate driving. I avoid it. It's a phobia. I can't control every factor and I just assume I'll kill everybody on the road.

Living in a country where you have to drive, this is my biggest problem in life.

[Hangthebuggers]

Strategy games are my bane. I actually quite like some of them and would want to get into them but I'm just too shit at them to do so. I can't really figure out why, I guess it's because I can't really deal with the overload of potential choices when you have to do all this stuff in real-time and I just ruin everything. It's not even the thinking aspect of it really, because I am inclined toward puzzle games and I'm decent at them (until I get about halfway through, can't figure out a puzzle and them ashamedly look up the solution on a walkthrough). I guess I'm just much more comfortable with the idea of having everything necessary in front of you rather than going "Oh should I build this building or maybe build this unit wait how many should I build oh no I'm low on this resource shit I'm wasted 3 days game time".

I'm the opposite. Deep strategy games are my fave, especially with emergent and dynamic behaviour. I love the variations in games, the options, the menus, the random events.

I'm shit at Fifa though.

[Chairman Bodog]

Straight up with turn based RPGs. That's my batman mask.

I only play on PS4 but I have cleared hardest difficulty with Divinity and Wasteland.

[madhair60]

Nested menus. RTS'. These two things combined really. I got this game Banished and I opened it up and it was isometric and I was like "oh aye", game's like "click x menu" and I clicked it and nine or ten nested additional menus popped up and I was like "fuck this", deleted. 5 mins total game time. Absolutely no patience.

[madhair60]

Oh I'm also bad at navigating almost any 3D game. If a room has several exits, I'll go through one, invariably get turned around, and run back in the direction I came for minutes before I realise. That's why they added the massive "you fucking idiot" arrow in Bioshock - because of me.

[Cloud]

I'm shite at most games considering I enjoy them so much but yeah especially racing games, which usually consist of me ping-ponging the walls on either side of the road.

[ASFTSN]

Yeah, realistic racing games (without futuristic weaponry) for me too.  I still remember the withering look I got off a mate when playing Formula 1 or something on PS1 when I lost by a picosecond less and enthusiastically said "Aha, I've just realised you shave some time off a lap if you take the inside of the corners".

[ASFTSN]

Also, FPS games using a console controller instead of mouse and keyboard.  It is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

I can drive, sort of, I'm fine with lower spec road cars that I can pick up by the scruff of the neck and chuck about the place but, as soon as I graduate on to higher performance ones or outright track cars - nope - can't keep it on the black stuff at all. I just can't do "Twitch" gaming no matter what.

Same with FPS - takes me forty million years to aim the bloody gun. Not to mention that all that faffing about trying to point and shoot gives me motion sickness. Any game that involves flying brings it on as well - I soon lose track of where up and down have got to and just crash out.

Intense do-or-die competition such as PvP - I'm utterly competitive-phobic and just don't like it having to be alert 100%. It took me over a month to get the 100% completion on Elder Scrolls Online, Cyrodiil due to fucking Ganker psychos. I even went in at 7 am on a Wednesday morning thinking "Who the fuck will be loitering about a giant game map at this time of day?" but, no, there's always some bastard lurking near a point of interest just to spoil a poor PvE-ers day.

Not so much inability but terminal "Can't be arsed mate" - mini games. Currently playing Witcher 3 and Gwent can go fuck itself.

[greenman]

Football games to some degree although a lot of that was down to just thinking they were a bit shit, not really very fun to play in there own right and more about wish fulfilment.

[greenman]

Also, FPS games using a console controller instead of mouse and keyboard.  It is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Yeah I'd tend to agree, looking back its amazing how much I liked Goldeneye on the N64.

[ASFTSN]

Currently playing Witcher 3 and Gwent can go fuck itself.

My girlfriend is currently playing it and it always amuses me when I'm playing another game or reading and I hear 'No I don't want to play FUCKING GWENT!!' from the other side of the room.

[touchingcloth]

I can drive, sort of, I'm fine with lower spec road cars that I can pick up by the scruff of the neck and chuck about the place but, as soon as I graduate on to higher performance ones or outright track cars - nope - can't keep it on the black stuff at all.

You can't drive on Bovril.

[touchingcloth]

Yeah I'd tend to agree, looking back its amazing how much I liked Goldeneye on the N64.

I think a lot of the appeal of that game is that the controls and design were superb. It always felt smooth to play even with four players on the go (though it did lag a little if hundreds of mines and grenades and rockets exploded all together), and when playing in groups it somehow never got unbalanced to the point where one player was clearly head and shoulders above the rest. When I've played PC FPS multiplayers there always seems to be a handful of dickheads who have some voodoo or something and are able to slaughter other players by the dozen.

[Shay Chaise]

I had an evening of Goldeneye recently with a mate and I was staggered by how badly it controlled. Years of twin stick gaming has ruined it for me. I seem to remember that my control style was not the normal one way back when, which annoyed my mates, but I just couldn't fathom how I'd ever played it so fluidly, it was like trying to play the drums via semaphore.

[touchingcloth]

Ah I love Goldeneye whenever I go back. I don't like the twin stick thing at all - in fact when I play it now it's on an emulator using an Xbox 360 controller, and I configure it so the coloured buttons are set up like the C buttons on the N64 controller because I can't use the right thumbstick without it constantly aiming up and down.