Topic: Gruesome Trevor.

[Glebe]

Gruesome Trev goes vegetarian and stuffs a load of Quorn burgers down his gullet till he pukes like a mad yoke.

[Glebe]

Trevor likes to sink 'Jerusalem' at full throttle when he takes a shower, while staring at a waterproof picture of Nick Griffin. It's not only 'water'-proof, of course...

[Smeraldina Rima]

Gruse Trev pops his eyeballs in a glass of Fanta by the bed for a good night's sleep.

[Bazooka]

Gruesome Trevor has put on an inch on his waistline due to his heavy diet of offal, pastry cut offs and turkey necks. He decides on liposuction, he tweaks the tyre air pump at the local shell garage and pumps out his flab there and then on the forecourt, hysteria sets in across the garage.   

[Glebe]

Gruse Trev pops his eyeballs in a glass of Fanta by the bed for a good night's sleep.

The glass is always empty when he wakes up. Always.

[Glebe]

"By Hampshire, by Shropshire, I command thee to bow!" This is why Gruesome ain't popular down 'Muslim Street'.

[Bazooka]

G Trev irons his skin using a beef burger from Iceland, ready for his nephew Cuthbert's Christening.

[Glebe]

Trev invents his own dessert, called 'The Chocolate Munch'. It basically consists of Nutella and muesli.

[Bazooka]

Grues Trev kills a shit goblin on sight, for no creature can be allowed to be more gruesome than he.

[Glebe]

Trev dumps raw sewage onto his neighbour's daughter's birthday cake, the prick.

[Smeraldina Rima]

It's Trevor's anniversary, five years of carrying shit in his pants.

[Glebe]

What's that, Trev? You've decided to 'spice up' your bellybutton fluff with a dose of tobacco? Oh, Trev!

[Bazooka]

Gruesome Trevor gets in the Guinness World Record for the longest time submerged in a septic tank, Guinness are disgusted but rules are rules.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Gruesome Trevor makes Piss Risotto by relaxing and contracting the pelvic floor while standing on a stool next to the hob. He spits in the pot to add "stock".

[Bazooka]

G Trevor wears a 9 year old mooncup on his head when he goes swimming.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Gruesome Trevor turns up at the sperm bank with a hoover bag full of dust, hair and jizz.

[Glebe]

Trev feeds a soggy cheese and chutney sambo to his pet sparrow Anthony.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Le Bank Holiday Weekend

Trev forges dispensation from the council to purchase meat and milk past use by dates.

Getting home from the shop with grey pork belly and curdled milk, he puts them in the pan over a low heat to slow cook for the duration of the long weekend. He plans to spend it at his dead nan's reading 120 Days of Sodom and Inspector Morses.

Noticing some swimming on telly - switched on for nan's corpse and tuned to Saturday Sports - he plays around with colour control to make the pool look more like cack.

Then he goes for a walk and stares at the sun for a couple of hours.

He manages back to find his nan still dead to touch and a tear runs down his blind eye. It's affected him. He looks after her for two more days when the rotting smell reminds him of tea on the stove and he heads home to tuck into milk pork belly late Monday night.

His eyesight begins to recover by the end of the drive home, but not quickly enough to see himself slam into a blossoming young policeman. The officer flies into a thorny bush and is actually killed by the thorns after the force of impact had taken him to the edge of life on earth.

Trev needs to be up early Tuesday morning to volunteer at drains so he watches a Lovejoy double bill in split screen on Youtube to save time. He keeps vomiting out his belly pork and eating it back up until he falls asleep like a little baby. Lovejoy's musical theme plays out double tracked but nothing can disturb Trevor any more. He's sound asleep dreaming beyond our comprehension.

[Glebe]

"Good weekend, Trev?"

"It is somewhat impertinent of you to ask, but as a matter of fact I did, Big Jack. On Saturday, there was a Keep Britain White rally on down my way, so I hurriedly consumed my fecal breakfast and attended forthwith. Later, I decapitated a dog and roared with joyless mirth for six hours."

[Glebe]

Trev writes an impassioned letter to Boris Johnson, begging for torching your 'foreign' neighbours to be legalized.

[Bazooka]

Gruesome Trevor drops his hearse keys down the drain outside the fish mongers where he was going to purchase closed clams. Unable to reach with his skeletal arm, he scavengers the fish mongers bins and luckily finds a 2 meter eel. He lowers the beast into the drain and using the back end he wraps his split lips over and begins to suck using all the power of his remaining 1/4 lung. The keys along with the contents of the drain pumps through the eels mouth and into Trevor's. With keys in hand he won't be late to the private lynching of a blind beggar down at Pedo John's barn.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Trevor, Jack and John bang on the bongos as their victim dies. They feel like the Freemasons and the Hellfire lads. But they are well aware of the consequences for gruesome deeds, so down they go to the river all four. They christen the dead woman's afterlife and cleanse themselves with a swim around the sinking bodybag. Now she can see, says Trevor, now she has riches. A bubble floats to the top of the water, the fruit of the feast. Trev takes a gulp before inviting the others to spit the river between they three under the moonlit black.

[Glebe]

Trev refuses to buy imported products, and will often opt for locally-produced produce. He is particularly fond of Farmer Nutkin's rancid pork willies.

[Bazooka]

Halloween, Gruesome Trevs favourite time of the year after Shrove Tuesday. He loves scaring the trick or treaters and home owners every year, this year he really wants to step it up. His decides to hit up the area by the canal, his costume this year is made out of the haul of tumors and flabby skin he stole from the hospital incinerator room. When he goes to peoples doors, the smell causes most people to vomit on site, Trevs bellows out for luncheon meat no sweets.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Trev goes hill walking but leaves his pain brain at home so he can stab the alpine trekking poles through his feet, keeping them steady on his quest for the summit. He uses the footblood to write Trevor Forever 666 on the cross at the top of marvellous Bray Head. A Yank family in shorts following closely behind asks him to take a lovely picture of them next to the cross, but pointing out his religious takeover, he suggests they might prefer a snap with the ocean vista spread out behind. I've not got you all in shot, says Trevor, the framing's a tad wrong. Could you step back a bit, back a bit, back a bit, back a bit, back a bit, back a bit, bit more, back a bit, back a bit. They tumble into the ocean. Trevor smiles awkwardly and tosses the camera in a gorse bush. What have I become? Is this my life now, that of a murderer man? He roly-polies down the hill, thoughts on life spinning in the opposite direction to his head. Time wedges a rock in his nostril. A storm brews. A good woman remembers Trevor or is it he remembers her? Free jazz. Cocktails. Heavy Metal. They were dancing once. Bump. Trevor pats himself down and heads for the arcades doing a dazed Nazi salute.

[Glebe]

"By Jenkins, by Bradbury, I'll not have no darkies!" Easy Tom, not all the checkout staff can be white!

[Bazooka]

G Trev gets a pay rise at the abattoir ( the best throat slitter 2 years in a row), to reward himself he has his favourite snack; pickled onion soup made of banana milkshake, pickled onions, and yeast with stock cubes for croutons. 

[Glebe]

Trev prepares some rare truffles for some visiting arms dealer friends.

[Glebe]

Trev numps a lumkin over his garden fence.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Inspired by the McGregor Mayweather buzz, Gruesome Trevor goes to a traveller site looking for some gypsy bare knuckle fighters ready to test his skills. None of them are up for it, so he engages ferociously until some police turn up to caution the surviving traveller parents and take the kids. Trevor thanks the police and makes his way home along the scenic route. Jab... jab... jab... jab... Trevor says to himself as he jabs a pony through barbed wire under the thin blue sky, dotted with clouds that look like dogshits. The eighties, remembers Trevor.