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Lost WHO script.

Started by Spoon of Ploff, June 15, 2017, 10:05:47 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Spoon of Ploff

Hello.

Once I wrote a DR WHO scripts... for shits and giggles. It's set in the era of Tom Baker and Louise Jameson (who I once saw playing Hamlet's mum up at Stafford Castle).

I'm not feeling quite right in my head this evening which is why it seems like a great idea to post it here in H.S.Art at odd times and in irregular bite sized chunks.. until enough people tell me to stop. Until that time feel free to heckle or sabotage what is probably my life's work in the 'creative writing' department.

There's imaginary karma for spotting all the shows I've ehhh paid homage to.

Here goes.

DR WHO AND THE ENTIRELY PLEASANT VILLAGE (the first bit of part 1)



EXT SHOT: Idyllic English Countryside in summer, woodlands full of birdsong, cattle lowing in a lush meadow, s-some bloke fishing by a stream... oh look, is that a king fisher over there..? Some farmer, leaning on a gate post, chewing on a stalk of wheat... a badger eating a carrot ...

EXT SHOT: A quiet country road, suddenly the calm vibe of Gods own Country is disturbed by a noisy brash yuppie driving a Porsche.

INT SHOT Porsche: The Yuppie is wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses, a fake tan, and has one of those casual jumpers tied around his neck. He's talking into a mobile phone the size of a brick, and driving too fast.

YUPI: Yahh..! Yahh..! Soon as they sign the papers I'll own half of Strepfordshire. Aha ha ha, yahh

Suddenly the car engine begins to grumble and sputter. The vehicle comes to a stop.

YUPI: Oh no, looks like the ol' jalopy's broken down, listen Constance can you – Constance? Constance? (to himself) Bloody phone's gone on the blink now... how quar...

EXT SHOT: The yuppie has the bonnet raised and is gazing at the engine, but clearly he knows nothing about cars.

YUPI: Blast... if only I knew something about cars.

He slams down the bonnet, revealing a smiling man dressed in country tweed, and green wellies, a sheep dog sitting by his side. A thin, high discord alerts the audience that something isn't quite right about these two.

YUPI(in surprise): Whaaarauuh!

MIT: Hello, having a spot of car trouble are we?

YUPI: Ehhhhh, yes, seems that way at any rate. I'm afraid I know nothing about cars.

MIT nods sympathetically.

YUPI: And I've an urgent meeting in FitzWinestock in less than an hour. I don't suppose... is there a garage nearby... or some sort of phone?

MIT: Certainly, they have such things up in yonder village no doubt.

YUPI: Yonder?

MIT: Just you follow me and Shylock here, young fella...

SHYLOCK: woof

MIT: I'm sure we'll find someone to help you out.

YUPI (slightly wary): Right, okay

The man and his dog ample off down a footpath, and our yuppie friend follows. Camera pulls back, and up to reveal a smallish village over the crest of a hill. The sound of song birds singing becomes noticeably louder and somehow ominous.

YUPI: What's the name of this village then?

The pull back reveals a signage:  Spreadeagles on Gleam ½ Miles
...

QUEUE OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE FROM 1980.

CUT TO EXT: Some woods or other. The TARDIS materializes.

TARDIS: nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr

After an unnecessarily lengthy pause, the doors open, and the Doctor peers out. Satisfied he places his hat on his head and strolls out. He spies a red squirrel on a branch, observing him.

DW: Oh look, it's a -

There is a blur of motion as a scantily clad female form, darts from the TARDIS, performs a forward roll semi competently, and with a warlike shriek flings a knife, skewering the small furry mammal to the tree.

Squirrel:  >squeek<

Leela: Yes! Victory! I have slain the beast, and claim its hunting grounds!

DW: That's no beast. That's a red squirrel. Quite rare.

Leela: Valuable then? We can trade its meat and fur with any nearby tribe?

DW: More likely you'll be fined by the RSPCA?

Leela: Know you this world then Dr? Is AhhessPissy Ay a fearsome warrior?

DW: Ah no, that's not –

Leela: I'll slay it too, if it should attempt to attack us.

DW: That's quite enough slaying for one day you lithe, young savage. We've landed on planet Earth...

He licks a tree (a bit Matt Smithian, but what yer gunna do?)

DW: England... about 1997, and going around slaying things is not the sort of thing that people do around hare.

He leans in close to her, with an intense stare.

DW (whispering): We need to blend in with the locals, till we know what's what.

Leela: Until what's what... I understand

DW (gerrining): Goooood.

He leans away again, and shouts toward the TARDIS

DW: You stay there K9

There's no response. It's like they can't even be bothered to hire someone to do the voice.

CUT TO EXT: Some other bit of woods.

Leela: So why are we where we are anyway?

DW: Oh you know. The old girl wouldn't have brought us here without a reason. There must be something amiss in these here parts, some mad science experiment run amok... the spearhead of an alien invasion.  Perhaps a rogue time lord trying to meddle with humanity's past, present, and or future. Perhaps some evil villain masquerading as a harmless chaplain -

Leela: What about giant rats?

DW: Don't be daft, that would be ridiculous. How about... a half mad computer running some complex socio-scientific simulation..?

Leela: Haven't we just had one of –

DW: Oh look! Dwellings!

CUT TO EXT: Edge of wood, an expanse of open field, and then a village. A few quick cut scenes follow showing the usual clichés. A red phone box, policeman on his bike, couple of old farts sat outside a pub called 'The Devil in the Boot' Ladies jibber jabbering outside a tea shop, a cricket match in progress on the village green. Crown green bowls being played by additional old duffers.

Leela: Looks peaceful, the people seem happy here. Are you sure there's a problem?

DW (that grin, those eyes): Oh yes. I can feel it in m'water. Something is terribly, terribly wrong. A ha ha ha haaahhh.

CUT TO EXT: Edge of Wood, we now see that the Dr and Leela are next to the cricket pitch.

CUT TO EXT: Cricket pitch. A ball is bowled and knocked for six – straight at our two time travelling travellers.

Leela: Look Out Dr!!

She deftly catches the ball and throws it back with all her might. It strikes the batsman square between the eyes and he falls to the ground in a crumpled heap.

Wicket Keeper: Omi Gugod!!

Leela: Yesssss

DW: Ah. We'd best make good with our legs I think.

Leela: But –

DW: Come along.

They head back into the interior. A cut back to the wicket shows the collapsed batsman, twitching horribly, surrounded by stricken players.

The End of the First Bit of Part 1.

Should there be more?
   There will be more. Definitely.
     Definitely?
       Definitely.









Spoon of Ploff

Here's the next slice. Being as it's Friday an' all.

...
CUT TO EXT: Sleepy village street.

DW (looking around nervously): Seems we've avoided detection so far.

Leela (unhappy with all this Sneaky Pete-ing  about): hmmm

DW: We need to know what we up against before we expose ourselves. Ah this looks like the place.

CUT TO EXT: Post Office. The Doctor and Leela enter, the door chimes closed behind them.

DW (off camera): Let me do the talking, we must be discrete.

CUT TO INT: Post Office. A tight shot of a frail old lady's fizzog in profile, facing the Doctors equally profiled features.

DW (in quick fire question mode): Have you ever experienced a sense of dread? Have you ever felt the presence of a malign alien entity or supernatural spirit?

FOL(face devoid of all emotion): shakes head

DW: Have you ever had an out of body experience? Heard voices that claim to be from 'beyond the stars' or 'beyond the grave?' No? Have you ever been in possession of a blue crystal from Metebelis Three, or the Hand of Omacron, or a Brain of Morpheus?

FOL: shakes head

DW: Have you ever experienced a period of missing time? Have you ever had the suspicion of being abducted by aliens or Silurians? Have you ever been probed by aliens, or Silurians? Have you ever found a metal implant in your body..? Have you checked all over?

FOL: shakes head

DW: Have you got a book of second class stamps please..? Tah very much... pay the lady please Leela.

CUT TO INT:  Post Office. We see the Doctor make for the exit, stealing a few packets of jelly babies, then Leela walk up to the counter, and slaps down the bloody squirrel carcass. Bits of red goes everywhere.

Leela: Here, take this as payment. It is very rare.

CUT TO EXT: Post Office.

DW: I think she nearly caught onto my line of questioning. Fortunately this purchase will have put her mind at ease.

They wander off. The camera focuses through a window, passed the piss poor sun blanched birthday cards, to reveal the old lady talking desperately into a phone.

Leela: But she told us nothing Doctor.

DW: On the contrary Leela, she told us everything... and by everything I of course mean something.

Leela: Whaaa?

DW: You have to read between the lines... she was terrified of something... too terrified to speak out about whatever it is that's terrifying her. Too terrified even to show any emotion whatsoever. I'm more certain now than ever that there is something.... evil about this place.

Leela: Then where should we go next?

DW:  Really, there is only one place.

Leela: The chief of this village?

DW: Ha ha! No

Leela: The medicine woman?

DW: Not so much. Look this is the place.

CUT TO EXT: A close up of the Pub sign to The Devil in the Boot, which is literally a Devil in a Boot. As we observe the sign, it is suddenly pierced by a fearsome blade.

DW: Stop it.

Leela: Sorry.

CUT TO INT: The Devil in the Boot. A very pleasant pub indeed, with many beverages on offer for the ale purists out there, and a wide range of meals too – pleasingly priced. In one corner there is a karaoke machine. It looks somewhat incongruous in the overall setting, as does the man currently trying to operate it who is clearly the worse for wear.

DW: By the binary stars of Cyngus X-1! This is worse than I thought!

Leela: What is it DR

DW: We must leave immediately before it's too late –

It is too late. The drunk looks up. A look of recognition creases his already creased and mottled face.

Drunk: Doctor! >Belch< Doctor!!!

DW: Ah!  Sergeant Benton, fancy meeting you here.

Benton(for it is he – the one and only John Levene): Doctor!! >Burrrp<

He stumbles toward them... in a menacingly alcoholic way. Cut to the bemused, embarrassed faces of the Dr and Leela, as they step back – queue cliff hanger music and closing credits.

THIS IS THE END OF EPISODE ONE

EPISODE TWO: Sing a Song a Six Ponce...

Exterior Shots of the village of Spreadeagles on Gleam, over which is played a horrendous rendition of You've Lost That Loving Feeling.

"You're tryin' hard not to show it, baby
But baby, baby I know it
"You've lost that lovin' feelin'
Whoa that lovin' feelin'.."

CUT TO INT: The Devil in the Boot. The Doctor and Leela are sitting at a table, pints of mild and brown in front of them. The Doctor looks pained, Leela nonplussed. Meanwhile Benton continues to murder the Righteous Brothers classic.

Benton: Baby baby, I'd get down on my knees for you
If you would only love me, like you used to do yeah

Leela: He reminds me of the Shamans from my world, is he attempting to communicate with the Gods, is he possessed by some spirit.

DW (opening a packet of pork scratchings): You could say that.

Leela: And do the Gods speak to him?

DW: I'm sure he hears voices from time to time yes... No my dear, Sergeant Benton is no mystic. He is a soldier... with UNIT. Or he was the last time I saw him... or did he become a used car salesman? No, I'm sure he's still a soldier.

Leela: Is that like a warrior?

DW: N'yess.

Leela: And who is unit?

DW: An organization – United Nations International Trade... sanct... uhhh, United National Integrated... Universally Negotiated Information Techn...? You know, I'm not sure I remember... anyway they're basically meat shields brought out to defend the English against alien invaders. Dahhhleks, Space spiders from space, giant maggot things, Silurians – have I mentioned them already? Autons, Yetis... that was before my day.

Leela: And this man would fight these creatures?

DW: Yeah, shot at them... even hit them sometimes, but usually only when ever whoever was being shot at was impervious to that sort of thing.

Leela: But, he looks so... wretched.

DW: Time (breaking the fourth wall here), hasn't been kind.

CUT TO INT:  The song over, Benton has gone into some kind of anecdote.

Benton: A-and I told the Brig... cos we were mates see, me and the brigadier... he let me call him Brig, it was cool. I said, that Joe Grant eh, eh... she can reverse the polarity of my neutron flow... that's a joke see. I didn't half fancy her mind... knickers...posing with a Dalek that one time... uhhhhh... and she saw my cock once, she didn't laugh so much, she was... kind... Anyway this one's for you Joe

He sets about destroying Wilson Pickett's Midnight Hour

Benton: I'm gonna wait 'til the midnight hour!! That's when my love comes tumbling down!!
I'm gonna wait 'til the midnight hour, When there's no one else around

Leela: But if he's not communicating with the dead, what's he doing?

DW: I have to assume he's deep undercover... investigating whatever it is that's happening here... any other explanation is just too horrible to contemplate... I think perhaps we should leave. Our presence could be putting us all in terrible danger.

Leela: I think my ears are already in terrible danger.

DW: Yes, as are those of any music lover.

They get up to leave, as they step to one side they reveal the presence of a familiar man in country tweed and his pet dog Shylock.

DW (managing to restrain a startled Leela from throwing another one of her stock of Janis thorns): Ah hello there.

MIT: Hello, leaving already?

a-and that's it for for now. Maybe more later. WHO knows?


Small Man Big Horse

I'm enjoying this so you better post the rest of it or I will track you down and slice your fucking throat open.

Spoon of Ploff

Quote from: Small Man Big Horse on June 16, 2017, 08:14:26 PM
I'm enjoying this so you better post the rest of it or I will track you down and slice your fucking throat open.

future posts may experience some scheduling issues around Wimbledon if Andy Murray gets taken to five sets or something.

Spoon of Ploff

Saturday Superstore brings you part three of Dr Who and the Entirely Pleasant Village. Or DWATEPV as it's starting to be known.

MIT: Hello, leaving already?


DW: Yes, well...

MIT(smiling): I know – he's bloody awful isn't he... he's in here every day putting on this performance... can't seem to get him to pipe down... pretty harmless though.


DW: Really, I thought he'd be, you know, driving away customers.

MIT: Oh, that doesn't matter.

DW: Int....teresting.

MIT: Well, do enjoy your stay in our little slice of heaven... if the beer isn't to your taste, try our tea shop.

DW (suspicious): Thhhhanks, I may just may do that.

MIT: Good O' Now, Shylock here needs his pint. T'tahh... for now.

Leela (whispering): Who's that..? I sense... something odd.

DW: Me too, come on, a tactical withdrawal seems an expedient course of action right now.

Leela: Ahh?

DW: We're leaving

They Exeunt.

CUT TO EXT:  Spreadeagles on Gleam, and ambulance can be seen speeding by in the background. A local constable is ambling up to the post office. The Doctor and Leela wander along, ahead of them is a bespectacled fellow, some sort of Oxbridge type. As they continue along the Doctor grows more and more perplexed.

Leela: What is it now Doctor?

DW: Don't you see it Leela? Watch that fellow closely...

Leela(squinting with concentration): Looks harmless enough.

DW: Look closer. He's walking along there, too close to the curb.

It's true. The man favours that side of the path.

DW: He's keeping himself a constant 67mm from the edge. It's starting to freak me out actually.

Leela (bouncing a Janis thorn in her palm): Shall I take care of him?

DW: No, let's follow him discretely. He may lead us to the source of this conspiracy.

Sure enough, after a low speed foot chase. They lose him in an alley that takes them to a field full of what appear to be abandoned cars.  That Porsche from episode one included... weeds have grown around the wheels, and up through the engine block.

DW: Ah ha!! Now this is something. It's beginning to chime now, ahahha haa yesss.

Leela:  ...

DW: Leela, I think this village is like a giant Venus fly trap, but instead of a plant, this trap is made from bricks and mortar... and asphalt... and people... and eh, well yes plants as well... but a trap none the less. A-and instead of trapping giant flies, it's trapping other sorts of people.

Leela: And all these machines?

DW: Dumped like hhhusks.

Leela: Is this more of Xoanon's work? I knew I should have brought my cross bow!

DW: We don't need weapons Leela, just cunning and –

Leela: We needed my knife when I slew that monster in the woods.

DW: You mean the squirrel?

Suddenly the Oxbridge Type makes an appearance. He's brandishing something in his outstretched hand.

OT: Ah I see you interested in –

With a warrior's yell Leela springs upon the man, forcing him to the ground and breaking his neck. A satisfying sound affect from the BBC workshop echoes.

DW: Oh sh-

Leela: I have killed him Doctor, the funny walking man cannot harm us now.

DW: No... right. I think perhaps, Ah.

He spies the car salesman business card he was about to offer them before his 'accident.'

Leela: Quick help me hide the carcass, less one of his cohorts should find him.

DW: Cohorts?

Leela: Yes.

She checks the boot of the Porsche, it springs open, and they eventually manhandle the body into place.

DW: You know... this doesn't feel right somehow.

Leela (Slamming the boot with a satisfied grin on her face): That should do for now, until the stench begins to rise.

DW(beginning to recover his composure): Right, yes... now I think we should check out that tea shop, and Leela

Leela: Yes Doctor

DW: Please try not to kill anyone on the way.

They exit, the field of cars. Pan up to see a couple entering from another direction, they look puzzled, one of them checks their watch. It's almost as if they were expecting to meet someone here.


CUT TO INT: The Devil in the Boot. Tweed Man is chatting to the Bar man, who is, of course polishing a pint glass. Benton can still be heard wrecking some other classic song from the 50s/60s.

MIT: He doesn't get any better does he?

Barman: Maybe... we should ask him to leave... and not come back?

MIT: Oh we can't do that... you know anyone is welcome here.

Barman (shrugs nervously): Yeah, well...

MIT: Take our friend over there.

PAN TO our Yuppie Friend from the first episode. Gone are all the signs of yuppiedom. He looks like any other extra off Midsummer Murders, he stares blankly at an empty pint glass (jar).

Barman: Another pint of White Eyebrow Mr Sharples?

YUPI: What? Oh. Yes. Yes please. I.. I mean... Tah Very Much.

Benton: I look at the world and I notice it's turning, While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning, Still my guitar gently weeps

END OF THE PART

probably post a bit more in the next day or so.

Spoon of Ploff

yes. there's more. you've only yourselves to blame.

Episode Three: Part Third

CUT TO EXT: Stock footage of English Countryside. A cheap synth version of Jerusalem plays in the background.

CUT TO EXT: Woods. We see a troop of scouts, plus leader, out looking for worms or leaves or something. They come across the Tardis. The door of course is open.

Scout Leader: That's odd.

Scout #1: Wot's that sir?

SL: This blue box, never seen the like before.

Scout #2: Can we go in an' explore.

SL: I don't see any reason why that wouldn't be a really good idea.

The troop troop into the Tardis.

Scout #1: Oh wow, it's bigger on –

Scout #2: Look, a metal dog – here boy

K9: Intruder alert! Tardis integrity compromised!!

Scout #1: I don't like it!

SL: Don't worry it's just some –

There is the sound of lazar fire and children's screams.

SL: Oh Sweet Jesus – Nooooooo –

The scout masters cry is cut off by further blasts. At last all is quiet. A feint trail of smoke can be seen escaping the open time travelling device.

K9: Integrity Restored... cleanup operation in progress.

CUT TO EXT: Spreadeagles on Gleam, the Doctor and Leela are outside the tea shop. It goes by the legend 'The Time Has Come the Walrus Said, To Speak of Many Things.'
Leela: But what does it mean?

DW: A level of pretension only hitherto suspicioned. Shall we enter? There will I'm certain be cake.

He enters. Leela about to follow spies a black and white cat lounging on one of the outside tables.

CAT: Meeooorrrwww

CUT TO INT: 'The Time Has Come the Walrus Said, To Speak of Many Things.' Occupied by old biddies for the most part.

DW (to a bored looking waitress): Alright hare??

BLW: Nods.

They sit.

DW: Two crim teas if you'd be so kind.

They take in their surroundings, lots of oldsters gossiping. The Doctor eavesdrops shamelessly.

CUT TO INT: 'The Time Has Come the Walrus Said, To Speak of Many Things.' And a table occupied by two blue rinsers. The Doctor floats into view in the background, staring intently.

Oldster#1: ... never known anything like it

Oldster#2: No

Oldster #1: ... Mr Huntingdon Strafing is devastated.

Oldsters#2: Yes

Oldster #1: ... best batsman the first XI have had in years, killed to death just as he was about to get his first an hundred this season

Oldster#2: Shocking.

Pulling a pained expression the Doctor floats away.

CUT TO INT: 'The Time Has Come the Walrus Said, To Speak of Many Things.' And a table occupied by a couple of old puffins. In the background the Doctor leans in on his chair.

Puffin#1: ... said they went to see him about a car, a Wolsey 6 I think it was... saw all these flies buzzing around the back of an old Porsche.

Puffin#2 (messing up their lines): Horrible it were.

Puffin#2: ... Horrible it were

DW: Ohh, ahh.

CUT TO INT: 'The Time Has Come the Walrus Said, To Speak of Many Things.'

The waitress brings over their tea and cake.

DW: Wonderful, thank you so much.

Waitress:  You'll have to hurry though. We close in five minutes.

DW: Five minutes, really?

Waitress: Yes indeed. Today's a special day. There's a festival starting at the village green. Everyone will be there.

Leela (buttering a scone like a pro): Will you be worshiping your Gods? Will there be a sacrifice?

Waitress: Wha-?

DW: Ha Haaa, my friend is joking. What's the occasion?

Waitress: Nothing special, it's just a celebration of sorts.

DW: Of sorts?

Waitress: A celebration, yes. You should come along too. It'll be smashing.

Leela (face full of buttered scone): We should go Doctor.

DW(rising to leave): I think you're right Leela. Well, thank you Miss.

Waitress: But what about –

DW: Of course, of course, pay the lady Leela

Leela slaps down the slaughtered carcass of the black and white moggy... red goes everywhere. There are gasps and cries from the startled locals.

Leela: Sorry it's not squirrel.

DW: Keep the change!!

CUT TO EXT: Spreadeagles on Gleam, the Doctor and Leela, stroll along casually.

Leela: Where has everyone gone Doctor? The place looks deserted.

DW: They must all be at this (he does the quotes action with his hands) "celebration"

Leela: Do you think that's important?

DW: Oh I expect so, I can't think of a place like this where a "celebration" involving everyone doesn't result in some kind of summoning shenanigans. After many false starts we're finally getting to the bottom of this.

Leela: Good, I was starting to have my doubts –

DW: But first. There's one more place we need to investigate.

Leela: What might that be then?

CUT TO EXT: Spreadeagles on Gleam, our two time travelling companions are standing in front of a classic CoE steeple church.

Leela: What are those stone things?

DW: Graves. The people of this time and place bury their dead... in the earth... in boxes... clothed

Leela: Urrgh, that's sick.

DW: It's a mad old universe Leela dear, you'll have to get used to all sorts of messed up shite.

Leela: Look out!

--- cliff hanger ending!!

willpurry

I did not write a script involving sexy cyberladies on the back of something my brother had to hand in, I swear.

Spoon of Ploff

The next bit: more deaths hopefully...

DW: It's a mad old universe Leela dear, you'll have to get used to all sorts of messed up shite.

Leela: Look out!

CUT TO EXT: Church, close up of the steeple. Several thorns bounce off gargoyles dotted around the brick work.

CUT TO EXT: Church, camera positioned behind the Doctor and Leela as they look up.

DW: This is starting to get old. They're just stone you idiot.

Leela: Are you sure?

DW: I'm sure.

They walk out of shot. The Camera slowly zooms in on the devil like carvings. The background music becomes ominous. Finally it seems something is about to happen and the real foe is about to reveal itself.

The Shot is blocked. The music dies down, Zoom out again real quick and the Doctor is looking up again.

DW: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... nah, let's go. Oh look.

They approach an open grave. And peer down.

DW: Well look at that.

Leela: One of those boxes you spoke of?

DW: Exactly, but why has it been dug up like this?

Leela: I dunno?

DW: Perhaps... no, it's not possible. Or is it? I mean – I know where the left Hand of Omega is buried... could this be the right hand?

He jumps down into the open grave, on top of the coffin.

DW: Quick, hand me your knife... (he begins to hack at the wood). Is it really possible, could a future me have found this doomsday device and buried it back in time, primed and ready to defeat some deadly cosmic foe at just the right moment in Galactic history to save billions of lives? Whole civilizations?

Leela: Doctor, you're babbling... again.

DW:  If so, then future me must have known that present me would stumble across it in the past. That's why it was put here. It's here for me to use, now. But... it's such a devastating weapon Leela... it can destroy whole solar systems easily... have I that right? Have I that right... ah.

We discover the coffin does not contain the other hand of Omega, just the corpse of a middle aged man.

CUT TO EXT: Church graveyard. Beside the grave Leela has been joined by a party of mourners and a vicar. They look on aghast. Several are in floods of tears.

DW: Oh, hello. Sorry about this. Just checking everything's in order. You can't be too careful these days, what with everything that's going on.

He produces the trusty ol; sonic and taps the deceased on the forehead.

DW: Yep, all good.

He climbs out and dusts himself off.

DW: Right carry on. Come on Leela, quickly, quickly.

CUT TO EXT: Spreadeagles on Gleam, and out of breath Doctor and Leela are crouching behind a hedge.

DW: A bit sensitive I thought.

Leela: You don't say.

DW: They did give up the chase fairly quickly. Tell me, you didn't use any more of your Janis –

Leela: No, no no! Definitely not. After what you said before, why would I?

DW: Good, good.

Leela: So, should we go to this celebration now Doctor? It seems the only place left where we'll find any answers.

DW:  Indeed so. Lets.

They stroll along sleepy lanes for a bit. The sounds of a country fair begin to cut through that of the robin, and black bird. At last they turn a corner.

Leela: What is this!!?

DW: Oh for Davros Third Eye's sake, not this.

Camera pans swiftly to reveal, at long last something additionally atrocious: A gang of Morris Dancers heading right for them.

Leela:  Make it stop!!! Make it stoooooop!!

END of the Third Episoidal....

Part 4: A Haze of Perception

The Doctor and Leela are more or less frozen to the spot, as a group of Morris Dancers prance menacingly toward them.

MDs:
Strike up a measure, sprightly this way
And we'll dance an idle hour away
Dance in the garden, dance on the lea
To a Morris music light and free

DW: I'm sorry Leela, buts it's distinctly likely I've gotten us both killed.

At the latest moment a pair of hands reaches through the hedge and pulls them both through. The Morris Men dance on seemingly oblivious.

Leela: Many thanks, you saved us... oh, it's you.

Benton (for it is he): That's all right miss  >buuuurrrp<

DW: Good man, I knew you weren't just some sozzled lush!

Benton: Can't fool you Doctor.... 'scuse me a moment.

He is violently and repeatedly sick against a rose bush for an uncomfortable length of time. There are a large number of empty cans of Special Brew dotted about.

Benton: That's better... m-a-a-n, feels like an Axon took a dump in my head.

DW: So, what's going on here – humans are being abducted yes and turned into flesh puppets by some nefarious force? Yes?

Benton: Just so. UNIT had received a number of reports of otherwise normal people turning up in Spreadeagles, quitting sometimes lucrative careers, uprooting their families buying properties and 'settling in.' All totally out of character. The brigadier sent me in under cover, as a hopeless drunk with delusions of talent, to investigate.

Leela (possibly toying with sarcasm): You are very brave.

Benton (embarrassed): Yes well, just doing my duty... one moment...

He throws up again.

DW: And who is this?

The camera pans a little further to the left to reveal the 'converted' Yuppie from Episode 1. His hands are tied and he looks like he's been roughed up a bit.

Benton: >Bwahhhhhhppawww< He's evidence. Last month he was a known absolute prat, earning £500,000 a month working for some insurance company or something and wrecking the lives of those less middleclass than he is. Now he's living in a cottage and spends his days painting crap watercolours.

Leela: 500,000 pounds... what are those?

DW: Serf ice to say £500,000 would get you a shed load of squirrels.

Leela: Shed?

Yuppie: Look here, this is nonsense...

DW: What?

Yuppie: It's true to say I was a bit of a prick, but then one day my car broke down on the way to a meeting, a man directed me here, really decent salt of the earth chap, and I really liked what I found. It's so peaceful and clean, and everyone is really friendly and helpful. No stressing about anything. And -

He looks about guiltily, leans forward and whispers quietly.

Yuppie: There's no problem with, you know, ethnics.

DW: Hmmm

Leela (crouching beside the man, and pressing her knife up under his chin): You are lying, I can tell. I will cut you if you continue not to tell the truth.

Yuppie (wetting himself): Oh god.

Benton: She's a bit different isn't she Doctor.

DW: Just so. Come on Leela, leave him alone. I'm sure he believes he's telling the truth... the brain rinsed always do.

Leela: Then we should silence him, before he can alert the others?

DW: Let's just try something different this time. Tie him up or something.

Leela: Hmmmm... I'm not sure I like that idea...

CUT TO EXT: Spreadeagles on Gleam, and the village green, it looks like any standard family oriented event: lots of banal activities, stalls selling homemade pies and cakes, and other locally made stuff. There's the obligatory bouncy castle for the kids... the Morris Dancers are there, standing around laughing and drinking ale. There's a nice call back to episode three as the camera pans passed an apparently abandoned stall with the legend Spreadeagles Scouts Homemade Jams.  And on and on it goes. The Doctor, Leela, and Benton are observing events from afar.

DW: It looks so ordinary. There's a genius mind at work behind all this.

Benton: My guess would be Mr Darel Dregogo, the man in the tweed suit and green willies

Leela: And the beast on a piece of string?

Benton: That's him. . He's always about, asking how things are and if 'you're settling in?'

DW: He'll be heavily guarded. We need to find a way to get to him.

Leela: Do you have a plan Doctor?

DW (grinning the king of all grins): N'yessss, and I'll need both your helps.


final bit coming up soon...






Spoon of Ploff

this is the end... of the script that i wrote....

Leela: Do you have a plan Doctor?

DW (grinning the king of all grins): N'yessss, and I'll need both your helps.

CUT TO EXT: Village Green. Mr Dregogo is perusing a stall of household pot plants. Some of them look a little bit illegal. He's laughing at something the middle aged couple running the stall have just mentioned. The Doctor barges into shot.

DW: Well these look lovely, and I should know... I am the president of the Intergalactic Floral Society.

Dregogo: Indeed?

DW: Really indeed so. Do you like plants... perhaps we could go somewhere and have a chat about them... the plants.

Dregogo: Ehh, that's a kind offer I'm sure but –

DW(pointing wildly): Oh dear God is that a Krynoid!??

As everyone is distracted, Leela steps up behind Mr Dregogo and brains him with a coconut. As he slumps backwards Benton steps up to grab hold of him.

DW: My mistake. Oh, whatever's the matter?

Benton: I think he's fainted Doct...ehhh....

DW: Poor man, let's get him into the shade, I think there's one of those St John's  tents over there, that you always get at these sorts of gigs.

Leela: What about the beast?

Dregogo's dog is yapping away.

DW: Yes the dog as well. Come on.

They exit left, dragging Mr Dregogo with them, and his dog, and leaving the pot stall owners and several bystanders looking badly bemused. As they head to the tent in question the keen eyed will spot the coconut shy in the background, its attendant collapsed and lifeless, surrounded by worried fair goers. They reach the tent without interruption.

DW: Good there's no one hare. They must be busy with some minor incident of no real consequence somewhere other.

Leela: Is Santjohn some kind of medicine man?

Benton: That's right miss. 

DW: Never mind that, let's get him inside.

Benton and Leela half drag the now semi conscious Dregogo inside. The Doctor closes the tent behind them. The dog is nowhere to be seen. It is hoped this is a continuity error.

CUT TO INT: St John's Ambulance Tent. Tweed man has been tied to a chair. Benton proceeds to throw a cup of water into his face to bring him round.

Dregogo: Wha- happring?

Benton: Wakey wakey sunshine. You're about to enter a world of pain... that is, if you don't tell us what we need to know.

The Doctor, Leela, and Benton advance menacingly.

Dregogo: What are you blithering on about?

DW: Come on man, the games up... we know everything.

Dregogo(pulling himself together): Honestly, I have not the first inclination of an iota of a hint of a sign of a clue what it is you are intimating.

Leela: Careful, he's using words to trick us.

DW: Don't worry, I'm onto him...

Benton: You won't talk – right then...

The UNIT man proceeds to cover Dregogo's head with a cheese cloth, and pull his head back. He raises a jug of water, Rasilon knows where he got that from.

DW: Wait. What are you doing?

Benton: Don't worry Doctor it's a new technique we picked up. It's not really torture... we just kind of drown him for a bit.

Leela: I like the sound of that, and I'm willing to go along with it.

DW: Fenric wept, who thought that one up, the British Republican Security Forces?

Benton: No, it was the Americans actually.

DW: Well you most certainly not doing that! Leave Dregogo to me Benton, I'll use the usual blend of Timelord cunning and charm to get the information we need. Why don't you step outside, and keep a look out.

Benton: hmmm, alright then.

He exuants stage left.

DW (removing the cheese cloth from Dregogo): Now then.

Dregogo: Oh thank you, that man's clearly got mental problems.

DW: yesss, at a guess I'd say he's a paranoiac psychotic alcoholic afflicted with frequent delusional impulses as to his significance in this cosmic tide upon which we float.

Dregogo: Yes – what??

DW: And yet... and yet, you let him stay in your village? Let him ruin the pub lunches of countless locals. Why?

Dregogo: Why? I mean. Sure he's awful... b-but we like to make everyone feel welcome. It's that sort of place.
DW: Really – a place full of people like Benton, and Mr Sharples... that mad robot woman at the post office, and that poor man in the trunk of the car... that we heard about.

Dregogo: What about them?

DW: All awful, awful people that you turn into polite members of the community... like you're creating a society... like you're creating... an army?

Dregogo: ... you're as mad that that other fella.

DW: aha hah ha ha hahh!

Dregogo: This is just a nice place to live. If we're guilty of anything here it is in creating a pleasant village.

DW: But that was your mistake don't you see.

Dregogo (to Leela): What's he on about?

Leela(shrugs): I dunno

DW: From what I've seen you have created for yourself an entirely pleasant village... and no village on this whole earth can be entirely pleasant...

Dregogo: ...

DW: Whatever it is you have planned. It ends hare, and it ends now.

Leela: How do we stop him doctor? I'm not sure I have enough Janis thorns to kill everyone.

DW: That won't be necessary, we –

Benton(sticking his head into the tent): It's alright, I've taken care of it Doctor.

DW(nonplussed): You have?

Benton: I've informed the Brig, and he agrees with our assessment. He's called in an air strike.

DW: An air strike, you mean –

Benton: We need to get clear. This place is going to be levelled in less than five minutes.

DW: Oh, right, we'll be off then. Come on Leela.

Dregogo: You can't just murder all these people! Wait, don't leave me here! You ... You utter f*********ki**    c*******************unts!!!

CUT TO EXT: Village Green, with Dregogo's shouts echoing in the air we see in slow motion the Doctor, Leela, and Benton fleeing in absolute terror, the Doctor holding his hat to his head in comical style. All around them the fair goes on as normal, apart from the St John's Ambulance team who are just now proclaiming the coconut shy owner dead at the scene (can they do that – or does that require proper ambulance people – anyway).

They rush on (in slow mo) through happy crowds enjoying the Morris Dancing, Fancy Dress competitions, face painting, tombowlaring , some dignitary or other giving a speech. We see them cross the now empty cricket pitch and disappear from view... There are the first sounds of jet aircraft approaching. Various folk look up curiously. The aircraft are getting closer- the sounds of their engines louder and sounding increasingly angry...

CUT TO EXT: Woods...

Our intrepid trio arrive at the Tardis. Leela looks back towards the village. We see a shot of blinding white light from beyond the tree tops, and the sound of explosions that mysteriously do not have any effect of the foliage, which just sways gently in the breeze.
Benton: That's taken care of that then.

He pulls a half empty bottle of Marrow Rum from a jacket pocket.

Benton: Cheers!

DW: It does look like we nipped things in the bud just in time. Probably prevented a major incident of some kind... just imagine... all the niceness... spreading from village to village, town to town... changing the whole fabric of the nation, then on further... claiming the whole world.

Leela: I'd have preferred a less craven foe. These creatures did not present themselves as evil at all... hiding behind acts of kindness. I am glad they are all dead.

DW: Well, obviously I'm sorry it had to come to this, but they left us with no alternative.

Benton: No   >bbbbbuuurrp<  they bloody didn't.

DW: Anywho... it looks like UNIT have everything under control here. We'd best be off Leela, my regards to the brigadier Benton. I'm sure we'll meet again soon, hopefully under less stressful circumstances, an invasion of Cyber Men for example eh? Ha ha ha!

Leela: Aha ha ha...

Benton: A haa haa haaa

The Doctor and Leela enter the Tardis... Moments later it dematerializes.

TARDIS: nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr

As it disappears the piled, charred bones of the Scout troop is exposed. A still laughing Benton walks off set.
Start Closing Music, Role Credits....

THE END

I... may have gone too far in a few places.

Small Man Big Horse

Lovely stuff S'ploff, made me laugh throughout, my only complaint is we should have had more K-9. But then that applies to everything in life. It also reminded me that I've a half finished Who script of my own somewhere, about a decade ago some friends produced some audio plays so I thought I'd give writing one a shot but then never got round to finishing it.

Spoon of Ploff

Cheers SMBH, or should I say 'ta very much?'

Quote from: Small Man Big Horse on June 22, 2017, 09:58:04 PM
... I've a half finished Who script of my own somewhere, about a decade ago some friends produced some audio plays so I thought I'd give writing one a shot but then never got round to finishing it.

no time like the present to crack on and finish it

Spoon of Ploff

almost forgot the cover art:



Benton was supposed to look like a cloud, but it was a naff effort.

Spoon of Ploff

Anyone care for another? This one's titled The Moon Juice of Europa. But perhaps not... what'd'yer reckon?




purlieu

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 15, 2017, 10:05:47 PMTARDIS: nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr
Lovely.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 16, 2017, 08:06:16 PM
DW (off camera): Let me do the talking, we must be discrete.

CUT TO INT: Post Office. A tight shot of a frail old lady's fizzog in profile, facing the Doctors equally profiled features.

DW (in quick fire question mode): Have you ever experienced a sense of dread? Have you ever felt the presence of a malign alien entity or supernatural spirit?

FOL(face devoid of all emotion): shakes head

DW: Have you ever had an out of body experience? Heard voices that claim to be from 'beyond the stars' or 'beyond the grave?' No? Have you ever been in possession of a blue crystal from Metebelis Three, or the Hand of Omacron, or a Brain of Morpheus?

FOL: shakes head

DW: Have you ever experienced a period of missing time? Have you ever had the suspicion of being abducted by aliens or Silurians? Have you ever been probed by aliens, or Silurians? Have you ever found a metal implant in your body..? Have you checked all over?

FOL: shakes head

DW: Have you got a book of second class stamps please..? Tah very much... pay the lady please Leela.

CUT TO INT:  Post Office. We see the Doctor make for the exit, stealing a few packets of jelly babies, then Leela walk up to the counter, and slaps down the bloody squirrel carcass. Bits of red goes everywhere.

Leela: Here, take this as payment. It is very rare.

This is remarkably believable.

But I'm afraid I won't award you any points for your anachronistic use of a pre-credits sequence and the 1980 theme.

Spoon of Ploff

^ Cheers!. But this bit is a near direct rip off of homage to an episode of the X Files: Jose Chung's From Outer Space

purlieu

Ah! I thought there was a hint of Mulder in it. That episode is marvellous too, although I mostly remember it for Mulder's girly scream.
Still, it still feels like something the fourth Doctor would do.

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 15, 2017, 10:05:47 PM

There's imaginary karma for spotting all the shows I've ehhh paid homage to.


OK, I'll give it a try...

QuoteThere's no response. It's like they can't even be bothered to hire someone to do the voice.
"Hello K9" as the Doctor enters the TARDIS in City of Death leaps to mind, but there are probably other examples...
   
QuoteDW: Oh you know. The old girl wouldn't have brought us here without a reason. There must be something amiss in these here parts, some mad science experiment run amok... the spearhead of an alien invasion. 

   Many, but obviously Spearhead from Space.

QuotePerhaps a rogue time lord trying to meddle with humanity's past, present, and or future.

The Time Meddler. The War Games. Everything from Terror of the Autons through to The Daemons. The Sea Devils. Frontier in Space. Logopolis. Time Flight. Planet of Fire. Mark of the Rani. Survival. Dimensions in Time. etc.

QuotePerhaps some evil villain masquerading as a harmless chaplain -

The Master/Reverend Magister (The Daemons)
   
QuoteLeela: What about giant rats?

The Talons of Bent-face McYellowface (aka Weng-Chiang/Magnus Greel)
   
QuoteDW: Don't be daft, that would be ridiculous. How about... a half mad computer running some complex socio-scientific simulation..?

The Face of Evil. Arguably The Mind Robber, The Green Death and The War Machines.
   
QuoteLeela: Haven't we just had one of –

Yes.
   
QuoteCUT TO EXT: Edge of wood, an expanse of open field, and then a village. A few quick cut scenes follow showing the usual clichés. A red phone box, policeman on his bike, couple of old farts sat outside a pub called 'The Devil in the Boot' Ladies jibber jabbering outside a tea shop, a cricket match in progress on the village green. Crown green bowls being played by additional old duffers.

The pub in the Daemons is "The Cloven Hoof". Pubs also feature in Terror of the Zygons, The Android Invasion and Battlefield. Can't think of any other tea shops offhand, but there are Cafés featured prominently in Remembrance of the Daleks and City of Death. Cricket is played in The Daleks Master Plan and Black Orchid.   
   
QuoteA ha ha ha haaahhh.

Every Jon Culshaw impression of Tom Baker.
   

QuoteCUT TO INT: Post Office. A tight shot of a frail old lady's fizzog in profile, facing the Doctors equally profiled features.

There's a devil-worshipping postmistress in the spin-off K9 and Company.
   
QuoteDW: Have you ever had an out of body experience? Heard voices that claim to be from 'beyond the stars' or 'beyond the grave?' No? Have you ever been in possession of a blue crystal from Metebelis Three, or the Hand of Omacron, or a Brain of Morpheus?

Blue crystal from Metebelis III in The Green Death and Planet of the Spiders (and one of the more forgettable ones in Matt Smith's last season). Hand of Omega in Remembrance of the Daleks. The Brain of Morbius in The Brain of Morbius. Out-of-body experiences are too numerous to list, so instead I'll mention the in-of-body experience in The Invisible Enemy.
   
QuoteDW: Have you ever experienced a period of missing time? Have you ever had the suspicion of being abducted by aliens or Silurians? Have you ever been probed by aliens, or Silurians? Have you ever found a metal implant in your body..? Have you checked all over?

Silurians appear in Doctor Who and the Silurians, Warriors of the Deep and various Matt Smith and Peter Capaldi stories. Silurian probing occurs in The Hungry Earth. Alien abductions are, again, too numerous to list, so instead I'll mention the abduction of aliens in The Ambassadors of Death.
   
QuoteCUT TO INT:  Post Office. We see the Doctor make for the exit, stealing a few packets of jelly babies, then Leela walk up to the counter, and slaps down the bloody squirrel carcass. Bits of red goes everywhere.

We all know Tom Baker was mad for jelly babies, but the first Doctor seen with them was Patrick Troughton (in The Dominators and The Three Doctors).
   
QuoteBenton(for it is he – the one and only John Levene): Doctor!! >Burrrp<

Benton first appeared in The Invasion. John Levene is batshit crazy. Some choice quotes from his DVD commentaries :
"This is The Time Monster and I'm very flattered to be John Levene who played Sergeant Benton."
(The Time Monster, episode 2)
"Jon always beguiled me as the Doctor. Even as Benton, he would draw me in."
(Inferno, episode 3)
"This is where I'm so proud of myself, being in the scene with
        Jon - looking at me - calling my name."
(The Time Monster, episode 2)
"We're coming up to the scene where I turn into a baby.
         This is a slightly sad bit of narrative.
         The baby was played by Darren Plant and he died before his first birthday.
         But he's in a peaceful place now and he at least ended up in Doctor Who."
         (The Time Monster, episode 4)


   More here: http://thefancan.com/fancandy/features/whofeatures/levene.html


QuoteCUT TO INT: The Devil in the Boot. The Doctor and Leela are sitting at a table, pints of mild and brown in front of them. The Doctor looks pained, Leela nonplussed. Meanwhile Benton continues to murder the Righteous Brothers classic.

   John Levene sings the Beatles --- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GPQ22_bdEE
   
   https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ballads-Sergeant-Benton-John-Levene/dp/B009O3V5F8
   

QuoteDW: I'm sure he hears voices from time to time yes... No my dear, Sergeant Benton is no mystic. He is a soldier... with UNIT. Or he was the last time I saw him... or did he become a used car salesman? No, I'm sure he's still a soldier.

According to Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart in Mawdryn Undead, he did indeed become a used car salesman. Having said that, the Brigadier was claiming to be a maths teacher in this story (because William Russell, who played science teacher Ian Chesterton opposite William Hartnell in the earliest episodes of Doctor Who, declined to reprise the role and they had to hastily rewrite the script), so it's probably a complete lie.
   
In the unlicenced spin-off straight-to-DVD film Wartime he's still some kind of soldier.
   
QuoteDW: An organization – United Nations International Trade... sanct... uhhh, United National Integrated... Universally Negotiated Information Techn...? You know, I'm not sure I remember... anyway they're basically meat shields brought out to defend the English against alien invaders. Dahhhleks, Space spiders from space, giant maggot things, Silurians – have I mentioned them already? Autons, Yetis... that was before my day.

United Nations Intelligence Taskforce appears in various stories from The Invasion to Battlefield. Renamed Unified Intelligence Taskforce in the new series because legal bullshit. Fought Daleks in Day of the Daleks and The Stolen Earth/Journey's End. Giant maggot things and the shittiest giant bluebottle ever seen on TV in The Green Death, Silurians in Doctor Who and the Silurians (and yes, you have mentioned them already), Autons in Spearhead from Space and Terror of the Autons. They never fought Yetis — The Web of Fear was pre-UNIT, although Lethbridge Stewart did appear in it. Also, John Levene was inside one of the Yeti.
   
QuoteDW: Time (breaking the fourth wall here), hasn't been kind.

Indeed not.
   

QuoteBenton: A-and I told the Brig... cos we were mates see, me and the brigadier... he let me call him Brig, it was cool. I said, that Joe Grant eh, eh... she can reverse the polarity of my neutron flow... that's a joke see. I didn't half fancy her mind... knickers...posing with a Dalek that one time... uhhhhh... and she saw my cock once, she didn't laugh so much, she was... kind... Anyway this one's for you Joe

She saw his cock in The Time Monster. The third Doctor reversed the polarity of the neutron flow in The Sea Devils and The Five Doctors.
   
QuoteDW (managing to restrain a startled Leela from throwing another one of her stock of Janis thorns): Ah hello there.

Leela is forbidden to use Janis thorns (instantly-paralysing deadly poison darts) on people in The Face of Evil. In the later serial The Talons of Weng-Chiang, she is exposed as a hideous racist when she uses one on a Chinese.
   
QuoteDW: Leela, I think this village is like a giant Venus fly trap, but instead of a plant, this trap is made from bricks and mortar... and asphalt... and people... and eh, well yes plants as well... but a trap none the less. A-and instead of trapping giant flies, it's trapping other sorts of people.

A bit like Castrovalva, then.   

QuoteWith a warrior's yell Leela springs upon the man, forcing him to the ground and breaking his neck. A satisfying sound affect from the BBC workshop echoes.

Doctor Who never properly sound-effected neck breaking until Time of the Angels in 2010, although there were a lot of Judo-chops over the years. Funnily enough, the sound of the Master breaking the neck of the ambulance driver's wife in the Paul McGann "movie" was actually removed by the BBC for the UK broadcast.
   
QuoteBarman: Another pint of White Eyebrow Mr Sharples?

All the infected people in The Invisible Enemy have big whitish eyebrows. The Doctor temporarily gets orange eyebrows in The Two Doctors. People who turn into primords in Inferno get massive eyebrows. People from the planet Delphon communicate with their eyebrows (Spearhead from Space).

Dick Sharples wrote an unproduced "comedy" Doctor Who story intended for Patrick Troughton's last season. It was called Prison in Space and was about a society run by crazy women's libbers who turn the Doctor's companion Zoe into an evil megalomaniac. The Doctor was to have brought down the regime by publicly smacking Zoe's bottom. It was scrapped when someone on the production team pointed out that it wasn't remotely funny.

QuoteCUT TO EXT: Woods. We see a troop of scouts, plus leader, out looking for worms or leaves or something. They come across the Tardis. The door of course is open.

And, for once, not inexplicably closed again in the next shot...
   
QuoteThere is the sound of lazar fire and children's screams.

K9's got form for this — he shoots up a school canteen in School Reunion. And has a go at the Marshmen (who are revealed to be children) in Full Circle.
   

QuoteDW: A level of pretension only hitherto suspicioned. Shall we enter? There will I'm certain be cake.

We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them here and we want them now.
   
QuotePuffin#2: ... Horrible it were

"make an 'orse sick, it would." (Talons of Weng-Chiang)      

QuoteDW: Oh I expect so, I can't think of a place like this where a "celebration" involving everyone doesn't result in some kind of summoning shenanigans. After many false starts we're finally getting to the bottom of this.

Doctor Who Celebrations in the 80's and 90's tended to involve a lot of pederastic shenanigans by former producer John Nathan-Turner and his partner Gary Downie...
   
QuoteThey walk out of shot. The Camera slowly zooms in on the devil like carvings. The background music becomes ominous. Finally it seems something is about to happen and the real foe is about to reveal itself.

Yeah. It was a bit shit when they started coming to life in The Daemons, so they didn't try again until the Weeping Angels came along.
   
QuoteDW: Perhaps... no, it's not possible. Or is it? I mean – I know where the left Hand of Omega is buried... could this be the right hand?

This is a lie. At this point in the Doctor's life, the Hand of Omega is still in the undertakers. It doesn't get buried until half way through Remembrance of the Daleks.
   
   
QuoteDW: They did give up the chase fairly quickly. Tell me, you didn't use any more of your Janis –

QuoteLeela: No, no no! Definitely not. After what you said before, why would I?

None of them were Chinese.
   
QuoteDW: Oh for Davros Third Eye's sake, not this.

Silurians also had three eyes in the original series. One of them was a special monkey-brain-fucking eye in Doctor Who and the Silurians. It became a flashing "I'm the one speaking and I indicate that using my eye because my mouth is made of thick rubber and doesn't move at all" eye in Warriors of the Deep.
   
QuoteCamera pans swiftly to reveal, at long last something additionally atrocious: A gang of Morris Dancers heading right for them.

Ready to tie the doctor to a maypole and burn him like in The Daemons...?
   
QuoteBenton: That's better... m-a-a-n, feels like an Axon took a dump in my head.

Don't remember that happening in The Claws of Axos...
   
QuoteCUT TO EXT: Village Green. Mr Dregogo is perusing a stall of household pot plants. Some of them look a little bit illegal. He's laughing at something the middle aged couple running the stall have just mentioned. The Doctor barges into shot.

Is he as camp as Harrison Chase in The Seeds of Doom?
   
QuoteDW(pointing wildly): Oh dear God is that a Krynoid!??

Ah -- I was getting ahead of myself. Anyone suspected of harbouring a Krynoid must be as camp as the guy who harboured them in The Seeds of Doom...
   

QuoteDW: Fenric wept, who thought that one up, the British Republican Security Forces?

Apparently the two actors playing Fenric wept so much due to the green contact lenses they had to wear, that they gave up on them half way through shooting and decided to tint their eyes green using video effects instead. It didn't work very well — they eyes look completely different from shot to shot.
   
There's probably more, but I'm spent....
   

Spoon of Ploff

masterofreality. thank you for a truly awesome post. I'm going to have to postscript the original with all these gems to make it look far smarter than it has any right to be.

Norton Canes

QuoteThere is the sound of lazar fire and children's screams

Terminus


Spoon of Ploff

Back by popular demand (in my head) here's the first part of another lost DR WHO script. This time its Tom Baker and Wendy Padbury. Don't ask me why, it just is:

Don't forget to spot the homages etc...


FADE IN EXT: The icy surface of Europa. Hanging majestically above it is Jupiter. Perched somewhat less majestically on a rocky outcrop is a large silver carbuncle of a building. The camera zooms in, pausing at a needless signage (I mean, who's going to read it?). The sign reads thus

Sparkle X Corp.
Europa Station 37
Mining and Treatment Plant


CUT TO INT: Europa Station 37. Yer typical nondescript moon base corridor with panels and ducts dotted about. Some 60's West Coast hippy music is playing.

CUT TO INT: Europa Station 37. Some kind of control room, console stations are dotted about, slouched behind several of them are unkempt individuals jiggling along to the music.

CUT TO INT: Europa Station 37. A different angle that takes in the huge screen facing the consoles, on it is a poorly rendered face with a benign smile.
Enter a third, equally dishevelled looking man. He seems to be suffering the effects of smoking a heavy doobie, the remainder of which he still holds in his left hand. Conveniently his jacket bares a name tag: Tellus Watt.

Tellus: "S'up  *cough* *cough* dudes?"

Console Dude 1 – Name tag Selico Pax: "Hey Tellus..." He notices his colleague's bloodshot eyes and the sparking herbal cigarette in his waving hand. "Ahh ma-an, are you self medicating again, that's not cool."

Tellus (shrugging): "What can I say..? I think there's something wrong with the corporation's ambience altering filters."

Console Dude 2 – Name tag reads Frisco Danz: "He could be right about that Selico, you've been coming across real uptight recently."

Selico: "Don't see if myself... Although I do seem to be the only one who gives a twisted chakra about the pressure levels in tank 14, Sector ABO"
He waves at some amber alert warning on one of his consoles. The camera does not linger for fear that prolonged scrutiny will foil the illusion.

Tellus (collapsing into one of the spare console chairs): "Oh contraire... I spotted that myself just the other, ah, what day is this?"

Frisco (uncertain): "ThuuuuursssdddahhWensbury?"

Tellus: "Nah, I'm sure it was ThursdayWensbury. Today is ThursdayWensbury isn't it?"

Frisco: "Um..."

Selico: "Whatever guys. So, Tellus, what are you doing about the pressure levels in tank 14, Sector ABO?"

Tellus (grinning): "Only one thing I could do... I sent the new guy Ollie to look into it."

After a pause in which this news sinks in the three men burst out laughing.

The background music fades out. Cut to the Large screen, the now animated face begins to speak in a disconcertingly sexy female voice.

SFV: "That was Strawberry Toaster with 'Today is the rest of my Life.' Coming up nextly more vibes from London Sound Wagon, but first... this hour's drug abuse... which is brought to you by N'Oracle Soft Foods. Keep up the good working people, keep up the good working."

A feint hissing sound can be heard, with vapours appearing and dissipating from several vents in the ceiling. The three crew members let out a cheer before slumping back down contentedly.

CUT TO INT: Sector ABO – the place looks full of pipes, plant, tanks and vats etc. A lone figure is looking at an old fashioned gauge. He taps it cautiously.

Ollie (for it is he): "Not good... not good at all."

He approaches a large open tank, full of bubbling water, and peers in. There seems to be something in the – oh my good god! Some green tentacles emerge from with the frothing substance and grab the hapless fool.

Ollie: "Ahhhhrrrahhhhhhaaargggh!"

He is pulled under.

Cue a Titles

DR WHO AND THE MOON JUICE OF EUROPA
(Because calling it Dr Who and the Europa Moon Juice doesn't scan properly)

CUT TO INT: TARDIS. And a close up of a perplexed looking Zoe reading a book. Zoom out slowly to reveal it is a copy of "MS DOS 6.0 for Dummies."  Culturally discerning viewers will be pleased to note she is wearing the infamous cat suit. Zoom back further to reveal the Dr tinkering with the TARDIS controls in a bored, haphazard manner.

Zoe: "I don't understand. You say this was written in the 1990s?"

DW: "Yes round about then... hilarious isn't it?"

Zoe:"But, I can't make head nor tale of it... yet this is from such a primitive era."

DW: "Oh I wouldn't worry about it, it's not as if it ever caught on you know."

Zoe: "Oh"

DW:"Oh indeed no –"

They are interrupted by some severe camera shacking that obliges them to throw themselves around the room. An inert K-9, and coat stand seem immune to all the gravitational shenanigans.

Zoe: "What is it this time!?"

DW: "Seems like the randomizer circuitors have gone on the blink again. Hold on Zoe m'girl we could end up anywhere."

Zoe:"As opposed to what exactly?"

DW:"Less of your cheek."

As suddenly as it began, the camera shake ends.

DW:"Ahh! Excellent! We've arrived!"

Zoe:"But where?"

DW (consulting various instructions): "Exactly somewhere."

Zoe (unimpressed): "Somewhere?"

DW(inappropriately excited grin):"Exactly. Let's take a look."

In an all too blasé fashion he saunters over to the TARDIS door and pulls it open. Badly superimposed on the exterior view from the doorway is footage stolen from the 1970 movie Waterloo, by Sergey Bondarchuk. The battle is well underway.

DW: "Um"

Zoe reacts first, closing the door and standing with her back against it.

Zoe: "Can we try somewhere else?"

DW: "But of course, if the Napoleonic era is not your thing."

CUT TO EXT: Some godawful desolate planet. The TARDIS appears.

TARDIS: nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr

The door opens and the Doctor leans out, holding out his hand as if checking for rain.

DW: "Well there's nothing happening here. Let's try again shall we?"

The TARDIS disappears.

TARDIS: nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr

At which point we see a severely wounded man crawl desperately into shot.

CUT TO INT: TARDIS

DW:"Shall we try that again?"

Zoe(looking slightly miffed): "You know I don't like making comparisons, but back in the day –"

DW: "aha ha ha! Yes that's all very well, but what about... this!"

More random camera shacks.

CUT TO INT: Space Freighter from Earth Shock. We see Adric staring up at the screen showing the onrushing earth (actually it's the freighter that's on rushing but the end result is the same).Behind him the TARDIS materializes unnoticed.

TARDIS (smuffled): nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr

The door opens and the Doctor emerges. Then freezes when he sees his future/past companion.

Adric: "Now I'll never know if I was right."

The Doctor tip toes back inside the TARDIS and shuts the door. Moments later the TARDIS is gone... moments after that everything goes Bright White.

CUT TO INT: TARDIS

DW: "That was too close for comfort, but I think we got away with it."

Zoe(exasperated): "Did you just leave that poor boy to die?"

DW: "You still have a lot to learn, so I'll forgive you this time, but you should know – there are fixed points in time, that cannot be altered, for very good reasons... and that one... that one was for a very, very, very good reason.

Zoe:"Which is?"

DW:"And we'll say no more about it."

Zoe:"But-"

DW: "Zip it. Okay?

Zoe throws up her arms in a resigned fashion.

DW:"That's the Spirit. Now, where were we?"

CUT TO INT: Generic looking SciFi corridor. Once more we see the TARDIS materialize

TARDIS: nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr

The Doctor and Zoe emerge and look about. For some reason Zoe is wearing a West Hammers scarf she picked up in during the Planet of Geezhars episodes, which is something of a continuity error because those episodes aired after these ones. Damn you BBC.

DW(satisfied): "Ah now, this is more like it Zoe."

Suddenly there is a scream coming from off camera somewhere. We've heard this scream before.

Ollie: "Ahhhhrrrahhhhhhaaargggh!"

Zoe offers a tentative shriek of her own by way of sympathy. The Doctor merely looks pleased with himself.

DW: "Yesss... right at home"


So. Yeah. More later.


Spoon of Ploff

Part Two Begins Now... a-and its starting to look suspiciously like a botched base under siege story line.


Ollie: "Ahhhhrrrahhhhhhaaargggh!"

Zoe:  "Eeeeeeeeeiiiiiiik!!"

DW: "Yesss... right at home... come on Zoe, follow me."

The two head toward the sound of the blood curdling scream, the doctor jogging casually, and oft fiddling with his scarf. As they lope down one corridor a security camera tracks them. A brief close up of the camera is accompanied by a suitably tense musical discord. Eventually they stumble into Sector ABO, somewhere near tank 14, where they find Telus, Frisco and Selico standing around.

Tellus(seriously laid back): Oh, hi. Who might you be then?

DW(somewhat nonplussed at not being threatened with violence, incarceration and/or death by the first entities he stumbles across): "Hello I'm the doctor, and this is Zoe"

Zoe: "Hullo"

Tellus(grinning): "Cool cat in a cat suit... I'm Tellus"

Selico: "I'm Selico"

Frisco: "Frisco"

DW: "It's so nice to make all your acquaintances... You wouldn't mind telling us where we are would you, you see I'm afraid we've somewhat lost our bearings somewhat I'm afraid. Haven't we girl..? You see."

Frisco: "You're on Europa dude"

Selico:"So I guess you're not here about the body?"

DW:"Body..? We just this minute arrived and heard the most awful scrim..."

Selico: "Scrim?"

DW:"Yess."

It is then that he notices the corpse the three men have been standing over.

DW: "Ah! This must be the source of the scrim."

Selico: "This poor soul was Ollie."

Frisco: "He was new here. I guess he must have fallen into one of the tanks somehow... It can happen when you're still adjusting to the ambience... feeling a little woozy like."

Tellus: "Yeah fell in, right, and then he just fell out again I suppose."

Frisco (shrugging): "I dunno, I'm not a forensic."

DW: "Something tidal perhaps?"

Selico: "Something... what?"

Zoe (emerging from behind the doctor – Tom having shamelessly taken centre stage... again): "euugh, that man certainly doesn't look like he drowned"

BRIEF CUT TO CORPSE: This is a hideous sight, a look of pure terror is etched on Ollie's contorted features. There are welds on exposed skin shaped like sucker marks.

Zoe: "Why I'd say that man has had the life sucked right out of him."

There's a brief pause as the three station personnel give each other knowing glances, and smirks.

DW: "I must say you fellows don't seem too cut up about this?"

Tellus: "Yeah well, you know"

Frisco: "You know what they say Doctor"

All Three In Unison: "Different Planet, same old Sh*t, aha ha ha haaa."

Zoe: "Riiiight"

DW: "Quite, aha"

Selico: "Come on, we should get back to the control run. It's nearly time."

The three men saunter off, leaving the Doctor and Zoe with the deceased. The Doctor takes this opportunity to examine more closely Ollie's remains.

Zoe: "There's something very odd about those three."

DW (distractedly): "Yes."

Zoe:"I mean, I'm no expert on interpreting the emotions of others, but I'd say they taking this far too calmly... It's as if they don't care."

DW:"Yep."

He spots some green sludge on the dead man's neck, fishes out his sonic screwdriver. For a moment it looks like he's about to analyse the matter with this instrument, but then he just pokes at the stuff, picking a bit up with the end and scrutinizing it, a look of utter disgust on his face. His use of the sonic both delights and appals purists in equal measure.

Zoe:"Are you listening to me doctor?"

DW:"Partially. What do you make of this?"

Zoe:(staring at the green globule on the end of the sonic screwdriver):  It's green.

DW:"Indeed"

Zoe: "Green living matter. It is some kind of plant or animal?"

DW(knowingly): "Perhaps both... it's not from a Krynoid at any rate, thank Omega's t*ts for small mercies eh?"

Zoe(looking around nervously): "Doctor. What is this place, it seems to be some kind of water treatment plant."

DW:"It seems to be some kind of water treatment plant, Europa is rich in water. It's largely made up of Ice, hard as iron."

Zoe:"So these people are mining water, to aid in man's early expansion into the cosmos!"

DW:"looks that way. Time we went and had a chat with those three characters I think. Get some answers. If we can."

Zoe: "Why whatever do you mean?"

DW:"Didn't you notice Zoe?"

Zoe:"You know I find it difficult to read people doctor –"

DW:"Come on girl, surely even you can tell when someone's off their face on space drugs!!!"

Zoe: "Oh.... Ooooh"

The two companions exit sector Sector ABO

CUT TO INT: Sector ABO, and the bubbling surface of tank 14, an unconvincing eye stalk emerges and swivels about blindly. That same discord as before is heard, along with a deep male voice going "Yahomm."

CUT TO INT: Europa Station 37. Control room. Tellus, Selico, and Frisco are lounging about at their stations.  They seem entirely unconcerned by the demise of their colleague.

Selico (perhaps a little more uptight than the others): "Still another fifteen minutes until the next ambience adjustment."

Tellus (sparking up another Europa Carrot, and offering it to Selico): "Relax man, get on that."

Selico: "No ta."

Frisco: "What d'you make of those two mentalists then?"

Tellus:"Don't know what to make outta scarf face –"

Frisco: "Ha! I see what you did there."

Tellus: "but I know what I could make out of cat suit girl yack yack yack"

Frisco: "Steady Now."

ENTER DOCTOR AND ZOE

DW: "Ah, here you all are, getting head quarters on the line to report the situation and request backup no doubt."

Tellus (as confused as the other two): "Wha...?"

Frisco:"I thought we decided it was an accident. Ollie fell in –"

Selico:"and then fell out again."

Tellus:"Yeah... it's sad an all... I guess... but nothing to get freaked out about."

DW: "You think. Well, what about this!?"

In a middle finger-esque gesture the doctor raises his sonic screwdriver with the matter still attached to the end.

Tellus: "Is that, some green?"

DW: "Yes."

Tellus:"Which means.... ?"

DW: "I found it on poor Ollie's corpse. It means almost certainly he was attacked by something in these water vats of yours"

Selico:"Seriously?"

DW:"I've never been more seriously about anything"

Selico:"Shhhiiit"

CUT TO INT: Sector ABO – something green and tentacley flops out of Tank 14

G&T: "Loooaooghhhhgghhhshhhm  nmm nmm"

Disembodied Deep Voice: "Yahomm."

CUT TO INT: Control Room

DW:"I've never been more seriously about anything"

Selico:"Shhhiiit"

Zoe: "Whatever it is your doing here, you've disturbed something... some alien creature... and its response has been murdercide."

Frisco(misreading his line poor thing):"But, all we're doing is attracting water."

Zoe:"That's what we thought...to resupply ships from Earth as they prepare to head out into the outer reaches of the solar system and beyond. A very noble effort."

Frisco:"erhhh?"

Tellus(laughing): "Resupply ships from Earth as they prepare to head out into blah, blah, blah" What planet d'you come from luv?"

Zoe(taken aback somewhat):"I mean... then... what are you doing here?"

Selico:"This here is a Sparkle X plant – we extract the purest Europa Moon mineral water and ship it back to earth and sell it to posh nobbs for 10,000 Credits a litre."

Tellus: "S'a f**kin' rip off man, but those rich bastards can't get enough of the stuff."

Frisco:"It was touch and go for a while, when our major competitors at 'Alien H2-Ohh' set up operation on Mars, but then there was that business with the thing."

DW: "The thing?"

Frisco: "You know the thing...  the idea of Water from Mars just left people with a bad taste in their collective mouths."

Selico:"Hey, wasn't there some Doctor figure involved in all those shenanigans?"

DW:"Nothing to do with me I can assure you. Although I did have a run in with some Pyramids there one time."

Zoe:"So, this whole operation is just one big capitalist venture? Nothing to do with the mission to colonize space?"

Frisco:"Nope."

Zoe:"Well that's just – I... grrrrr."

Tellus: "Calm down luv."

Cut to the Large screen, the animated face appears and begins to speak in that still disconcertingly sexy female voice.

"Attention gentlemen, it's time for your mid afternoon fix – specially calibrated with all the TLC you can depend upon from today's sponsors... Trendacast Brain Granules.  Keep up the good working people, keep up the good working"

Zoe:"What's that?"

DW:"Oh dear."

A familiar feint hissing sound can be heard, with vapours appearing and dissipating from several vents in the ceiling. The three crew members let out a cheer before settling back down with stupid grins on their stupid faces.

Zoe:"What's happening, I'm starting to feel..."

DW:"I do believe this station's bumping chemicals into the atmosphere, chemicals with a specific affect on any who breath it in, through their lungs or through their skins."

Tellus: "And how."

Zoe:"What affect... Ohh"

We cut to a Zoe POV, a distorted view of the Doctor grinning at her, all teeth and bulging eyeballs.

DW:"To get us high as the proverbial kites. Now tell me child, howwww  arrrrrrrhhhh yoooooouu feeeeeeellllling."

We cut to a close up of Zoe, looking like she's experiencing a rather bad trip.

Zoe:"..., ..., ..., ..., ehhh, ..., ..., ..., ..., i'm alright."

Cut to Zoe POV

DW: "Exxxxxxcellllllenttt."

Cut to Dr Who POV – we see a hallo of shimmering light around Zoe, and there's some deeply monged psychedelic music overwhelming the sound track.

DW: "It must be my time lord DNA, but thank the stars I'm not affected."

(It's just possible he's telling the truth here)


maybe do the next bit later on.

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on July 15, 2017, 06:19:05 PM
Back by popular demand (in my head) here's the first part of another lost DR WHO script. This time its Tom Baker and Wendy Padbury. Don't ask me why, it just is:

Between the end of Jon Pertwee's last season and Tom Baker's first, there was a stage play -- Doctor Who and the Seven Keys to Doomsday -- that starred Trevor Martin as an alternative fourth Doctor opposite Wendy Padbury as companion Jenny. Might have something to do with it...

Will have a crack at the rest next time I hit the gin.

Small Man Big Horse

Really enjoying this still Ploff-y, though the Adric joke means my upcoming opus pile of shite "The Legacy of River Song" needs to be partially rewritten, damn you!

Spoon of Ploff

Quote from: Small Man Big Horse on July 18, 2017, 11:44:15 PM
Really enjoying this still Ploff-y, though the Adric joke means my upcoming opus pile of shite "The Legacy of River Song" needs to be partially rewritten, damn you!

Glad you're liking it. A-and I wouldn't worry about a re-write. I don't think this will become canon any time soon... now, onto the next bit...

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on July 19, 2017, 07:18:43 PM
I don't think this will become canon any time soon...

I'm afraid we'll have to agree to disagree on that matter good sir.

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on July 19, 2017, 07:18:43 PM
now, onto the next bit...

Come on then, I haven't got all fucking day.

Spoon of Ploff

the next bit is here.


Cut to the Large Screen, the animated face appears again. But this time it speaks with a generic nasally irritating English voice.

GNIEV: Attention, attention, alien presence detected, alien presence detected. Please look into it. Please look into it. Ta very much. Ta very much."

Zoe:"That seems about right, ooooh I think I need to sit down for a minute."

Tellus:"Be cool babe, chill... as the great pharmacological prophet once said."

DW(pointing): "No time for that I fear – look."

At the entrance to the control room a shuffling green blob with eye stalks and tentacles appears. It looks like a little more effort has gone into its design when compared to the Rutan... but not much.

Disembodied Deep Voice (added echo): "Yahomm."


A quick pan around the faces of the control room occupants shows everyone is too spaced out to grasp the reality of the situation.  A mixture of mild curiosity and bemusement all round. This makes for a rather unsatisfactory cliff hanger ending to the episode.


Part Three Begins Now...

Tellus:"Be cool babe, chill... as the great pharmacological prophet once said."

DW(pointing): "No time for that I fear – look."

At the entrance to the control room a shuffling green blob with eye stalks and tentacles appears. It looks like a little more effort has gone into its design when compared to the Rutan... but not much.

Disembodied Deep Voice (added echo): "Yahomm."

G&T: "Loooaooghhhhgghhhshhhm  nmm nmm!!"

The shuffling green blob moves menacingly toward them. Everyone is too spaced out to do anything but look on until...

Tellus (suddenly remembering something): "oh yes! Hang on a mo'"

He opens a desk drawer, and after rummaging around for a painstakingly long time pulls out a zap gun of some kind. And yes, it does look like a hair dryer painted silver. He aims it at the creature and pulls the trigger.

Tellus: "Eat my plasma f*ckoid."

The special effects team, overcompensating for the props department's failings, go to town.

CUT TO Green and Tentacles. In a psychedelic flash of solarised colour filters turns to a smoking husk.

Frisco: "Sorted!"

Tellus: "yeah, i forgot I had this."

Selico: "where did you get that?"

Tellus: "it's not important."

DW: "Happy now? You may just have killed a sentient being with more right to be hair than any of us."

Frisco: "Didn't look too sentient to me Doctor. Looked bloody horrible."

Zoe:  "I have to agree with them doctor."

DW: "Pah! Typical humankind short sightedness... unable to see all the possibilities of alien life. You disappoint me library girl!"

Zoe (retorting): "and how many genocides is it for you now doctor?"

DW: "oh touché Zoe!"

Zoe: "yeah." Turning to Tellus "Tellus?"

Tellus: "What?"

Zoe: "I.. eh.."

DW: "What I think my companion wants to know is what's with all the narcotics your AI keeps pumping into the air?"

Selico (whispering to Frisco): "Companion, yeah right"

Frisco (whispering back): "Careful now."

Zoe: "Actually I think I know, I was going to ask –"

DW: "Actually I think I know Zoe. You see life out in the Styx of Space... Space Styx if you will... is unbelievably monotonous. Cooped up like this in close proximity to work mates you can barely stand the smell of for prolonged periods... it doesn't matter what psych evaluation tests you pass you going to end up driving each other up the wall."

Zoe: "Yes I –"

Tellus: "It's true, without these regular doses of ambient adjusters we'd either end up brutally murdering each other or brutally doing something else to each other"

Selico: "Or both."

Frisco : "And not necessarily in that order. It gets so boooring around here."

DW: "And yet if you were to look outside, glorious Jupiter fills the sky, it's such a wondrous, inspiring sight –"

Frisco: "Believe you me, that just makes things worse – there's Jupiter, being all awe inspiring, and here we are in a gloomy little mining station pumping water. It's too much perspective man. Way too much perspective."

DW: "ah. I see."

Zoe: "Look I know all about ambient adjusters, I did live most my life on a Wheel in Space. How d'you think I stayed sane?"

DW (surprised at this revelation): "You were off your face on drugs when we met you?"

Zoe: "Answers a few questions doesn't it Doctor?"

DW: "Well I –"

Zoe: "And what's with the past tense?"

DW: "Ah."

Zoe (turning to Selico): "What I was going to ask was if you're going to contact your HQ about this. It's clear now that poor Ollie was killed by that thing."

Selico: "Can't. HQ is on Callisto at the moment. They're setting up a new mining operations, extracting minerals for crystal healing nuts back on earth.

Tellus: "It's even more lucrative than bottling moon water. Hold on a sec"

He gets up and approaches the smouldering carcass of the plant like creature.

Selico: "Yeah... A-and Callisto is..." he consults some chart or other "on the other side of Jupiter at the moment, we won't be able to establish radio contact for another thumpty wap hours."

Frisco:  "Anyway. Everything is cool now right? The thing is dead."

DW: "But what if there are more of them?"

Selico (snorting): "Yeah, right"

CUT TO INT: Sector ABO – something green and tentacley flops out of Tank 14

G&T: "Loooaooghhhhgghhhshhhm  nmm nmm"

Disembodied Deep Voice: "Yahomm."

In fact a whole load of (well three) green and tentacled somethings emerge and begin their journey to the control room.

CUT TO INT: Europa Station 37. Control room

DW: "What about other stations on Europa can you contact them? At least warn them that there may be something unpleasant in the water."

Selico: "Okay... god."

They all turn to the large screen, except Tellus who has been studying the dead thing in the background. He can be seen scraping some brownish flakes into a clear plastic bag. He then returns to his desk and begins rolling a joint, sprinkling some of the scrapings in with his usual mix of fine herbs and spices.

Selico: "Computer patch me through to Station 36"

Frisco (explaining): "That's the nearest to where we are."

Zoe: "Okay."

The large screen lights up, showing another control room just like the one they are in, except it is empty. There are signs of damage... burn marks on the wall...  furniture over turned... arterial spray

Frisco: "Um..."

Selico: "Computer, patch me through to Station 35"

Frisco: "That's the station that's the next nearest –"

Zoe: "Yes I get it... thanks."

The large screen just shows static.  The computer has switched back to disconcertingly sexy female voice mode.

SFV: Unable to interface with Station 35. Try again later. If the problem persists try again later. If the problem still persists then please contact your systems administrator."

Selico: "Eh, Station 34?"

The large screen shows one of those Stand By test transmission cards.

Selico: "33?"

Another trashed control room, rather ominously there's an inert arm that appears from the corner of the screen.

DW: "I'm not liking the looks of this."

The gruesome countdown continues until

Selico: "27?"

Finally we see a control room crewed by some mildly stoned looking individuals.

Frisco: "Oh thank Shatner for that."

MSLI#1: "S'up?"

Selico: "Station 27 it's good to see you're all ri-"

It's at this exact moment that more of the aliens invade Station 27's control room and butcher its occupants.

MSLI#1: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!!

MSLI#2:"Noooooo, Ahhhhrgh!"

Station 27 crew members clutch green rubber protuberances and pretend to struggle with them while getting themselves heavily entangled. It's not subtle. Thankfully the screen goes blank, putting everyone out of their misery.

DW: "I think we've seen enough. It must be clear now what we're up against."

Selico:"Now hold on a minute. I think we should check in with the other stations first before jumping to conclusions."

Frisco: "Ma-a-n I'm no good in a crisis at the best of times."

Zoe: "These ambient adjusters certainly don't help with that Doctor. I can barely think straight. How can we come up with a plan to survive?"

DW: "Don't worry, I'm feeling fine and anyway, something always turns up."

Inexplicably he starts playing with his Yoyo.

Zoe: "How, exactly is that helping?"

DW: "Helps me concentrate, quiet now... see if you get anything useful out of these computer banks or something."

Zoe(bristling): "What's that supposed to mean?"

DW:"..."

Meanwhile Tellus has sparked up his experimental doobie, and taken an enthusiastic drag.

Tellus: "Phuhhh"

Zoe (turning on the man): "What's your problem?"

Tellus: "Errrhherghhh!"

He throws some kind of coughing fit before collapsing to the floor where he spasms theatrically. Zoe looks on horrified, his colleagues somewhat less so, as if they've seen it all before.

Zoe: "Doctor!"

DW: "Hmmm? Oh!"

Zoe: "The idiots gone and smoked some of that monster's remains!"

DW: "That's taking loving the alien to new extremes. Ahaa!"

Frisco: "Careful now."

Tellus shudders about some more before suddenly standing bolt upright, with his back to them

Tellus: "Gibber."

Selico: "How was it?"

He spins round, eyes staring wildly, and glowing green, like he's possessed or something.

Frisco: "Oh my good god, he looks like he's possessed..."

Zoe: "Or something."

DW: "Ingesting Europa weed certainly isn't agreeing with him."

Tellus (possessed): "Sssssilence meat cogs!"

Selico: "..."

Zoe: "Did he just call us meat cogs?"


what's gonna happen next? you'll have to wait a bit to find out.

Spoon of Ploff

Here's more...

Frisco: "I know, I know"

Tellus (possessed): Sssssilence! I... am... Ackron of the Crasternattsssss... you have abused our world long enough! All musssst die.....!

DW (doing that grin): "Ah, an eco - terrestrial – ist... d'you see what I did there?"

Zoe: "No, that doesn't work."

DW: "Oh, come on."

Tellus: "Die!!!!"

Tellus is suddenly flanked by more of the green tentacle waving creatures, presumably Crasternatts

Disembodied Deep Voice: "Yahomm."

CUT TO tight close up of Tellus face, manic eyes shining maniacally.

Tellus: "All mussst die!!!!"

To Be Continued Eventually.

The Last Bit.

DW: "Oh, come on."

Tellus: "Die!!!!"

Tellus is suddenly flanked by more of the green tentacle waving creatures, presumably Crasternatts

Disembodied Deep Voice: "Yahomm."

CUT TO tight close up of Tellus face, manic eyes shining maniacally.

Tellus: "All mussst die!!!!"

No one notices as Zoe carefully retrieves a pepper shaker from her pocket – a souvenir of her time at the Slug and Murdering Slug in the next episode. She flings the contents in Tellus face.

Tellus: "All musssss –ssss  ahhhhh!"

Zoe: "Eat my pepper  Ackron!"

Frisco: "Careful now – no wait... no one said anything."

Much to her surprise the Tellus/Ackron being reacts violently to the shower of spice... is pepper a spice? Not only that, but it seems the creatures flanking him are similarly affected. Having some kind of fit.

Tellus/Ackron(exaggerated sneezes): "Ah-ah-ah-choooo! Ah-ah-ah-..."

DW: "Well done Zoe. Your new found tendency toward violence has once again proved fruitful."

Zoe: "Now wait a minute –"

DW: "Come on!"

He leads the way through the temporally impeded hostiles, Zoe close behind. It's only after they've left the control room that they notice Frisco and Selico are not following. He doubles back and finds them still gazing in puzzlement at the scene before them.

DW: "In your own time gentlemen."

Selico: "Oh, right... 'course."

They finally rouse themselves into action, and flee with the Doctor and Zoe. To engender a sense of danger one of the suffering Casternatts throws out a tentacle and grabs hold of Zoe's Scarf, nearly chocking her in the process.

Zoe: "Aeeeiiii –"

An unconvincing struggle occurs as the Doctor and Selico try to dislodge the creature, and in the end settle for unravelling the West Hammers scarf from around her neck. Nearly unconscious she collapses into Friscos arms.

Frisco (chuffed to bits): "I've got you."

He chooses to carry her over his shoulder. And the cameraman carefully picks the angles that make the best possible use of this as they make good their escape.

CUT TO INT: Generic Corridor. Everyone gathers, somewhat out of breath. Zoe back on her feet.

DW: "Who'd have thought it eh? Mind controlling plant/animal hybrid aliens living in the waters of Europa. You've got to laugh."

Zoe: "All those deaths..."

DW: "Oh. Right."

Selico: "What do we do? None of our training covered such a scenario."

Frisco: "Scenario?"

Zoe: "We should be okay. They don't look all that. We ought to be able to take 'em out using Tellus zap gun."

Selico: "Sounds like a plan."

Frisco: "Yeah... eh... just as a matter of interest... who has the zap gun about now?"

Zoe: "Oh f-"

CUT TO INT: Control Room. The computer is bleating in the background using its alt voice again. 

GNIEV: Attention, attention, alien presence detected, alien presence detected. Get it sorted. Get it sorted. Ta very much."

Tellus/Ackron (snarling): "Sort this!"

He zaps the big screen. There is a brief glimpse of a low res surprised expression before the screen explodes in an unconvincing puff of smoke.

Tellus/Ackron: "Come my brothers!"

He sets out in purposeful pursuit. But pauses for a moment, looking dazed and confused. Rubbing his temples.

Disembodied Deep Voice: "Yahomm...?"

CUT TO INT: Generic Corridor

Zoe: "Let's just this once head back to the Tardis and get out of here."

Selico: "Eh?"

DW(that grin): "We can't do that child."

Zoe(exasperated): "Why not?"

DW: "Did we turn and run when Pluto's moon was stolen by the Zygon's to be used as a bargaining chip in the conflict between the Dalek 5th columnists and the Imams of Hatrix Three... over the strategically strategical system of Exposition One?

Zoe: "I have literally not one iota of an idea particle what you're talking about."

DW: "Ah, and I've just realised something."

Zoe: "Something important?"

DW(smug): "Yes. Of course important... you remember how when you threw pepper into Ackron's face?"

Zoe: "Telllus... Ackron... who-ever... Yes of course, it was only five minutes ago."

Frisco: "Can you hurry this along, I think I hear them coming."

DW: "Well, even though you only threw it at him, all of his horrible entourage were similarly affected. Those proCrasternatts or whatever they're called."

Zoe: "Yes... That was a bit odd."

DW (teeth like polished tombstones): "I think in taking over that poor sod these creatures have inadvertently created a physiological and psychological link with him... and are experiencing to some degree what he experiences. It's as if they share some kind of hive mentality. It could well prove to be their Achilles heel."

Zoe: "I don't understand. Please explain it to me further."

DW: "Notice anything about these two."

He nods in the general direction of Selico and Frisco. They appear to be in some distress, sweating and shivering.

DW: "How long between ambient adjustments my friends..?

Frisco: "The last one should have happened 10 minutes ago. Something must have upset out AIs drug protocols."

DW: "And what happens if you have to go without?"

Frisco: "Ah ma-a-n... don't even think it."

Zoe: "Ah! Withdrawal! They experience the horror of drug deprivation."

DW: "And I bet it's shocking."

Zoe: "So you're saying that through their connection to Tellus, a hopeless, self medicating drug addict who is off his mash more or less 100% of the time, these Crasternatts will have become drug addicts themselves. Why that's –"

DW: "Great I know... and judging by these two they should be just about flap doodled by now!"

Zoe: "Flap?"

DW: "Come on."

The doctor charges down the corridor to confront Tellus and his horde of creeping, tentacle waving monsters. But now they make for a sorry sight. Tellus is collapsed, laying in a pool of his own green vomit. The rest of the Crasternatts are shivering where they droop – their verdant green colouring now mostly a sickly lime yellow.

DW: "Aha! I was right!"

Zoe: "Look at them all. They're wretched. Do you think this affects all of them, or just the ones on this base?"

DW: "Oh all of them. Probably"

Zoe: "That would certainly be the most convenient outcome I suppose."

Tellus/Ackron: "Hhhhelp usss.... whhhhhat issssss happening?"

DW: "Withdrawal my friend, and you and your pals seem to have it pretty bad indeed. You're going through the coldest space turkey known to human ki-and"

Tellus/Ackron: "At first... inhabiting this frame... we felt an overwhelming euphoria... but now it feels like some entity has stuffed Io into our skullzzzzz...."

DW: "So it goes my friend, so it goes."

Tellus/Ackron: "Make it sssstop... bring back the sweeping sense of blissssss."

DW: "No can do... not until you agree to stop being such a bother, butchering these poor chaps just for siphoning off a bit of H2O"

Tellus/Ackron(groaning): "Anything.... anything..."

DW: "Excellent. Come on Zoe... let see if we can get the AI up and running again... give these space aliens their fix.

CUT TO INT: Tardis. The Doctor is humming away, pleased with himself, and fiddling about casually with the controls. Zoe is leaning against a wall, a look of deep concentration on her face. Eventually she pipes up.

Zoe: "Let me get this straight. We've just negotiated a peace between humans and Casternatts –"

DW: "yahhess."

Zoe: "A peace that involves feeding them strong narcotics that will keep them in an enfeebled, drug addled state for the rest of their existence, and in return they allow the Sparkle X company to continue to both drain and pollute the water that is their natural habitat."

DW: "Hah! Hah! Yesss!"

Zoe: "And you don't see anything wrong with that?"

DW (thinking hard): "Hmmm..."

Zoe: "You know. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore."

And on that downer of an ending the closing credits kick in.

THE END

Next up - Planet of the Geezhars

Only YOU can stop this from happening!!!!



Spoon of Ploff

By the law of diminishing returns this here is the third and final Lost WHO script. Working title:

THE PLANET OF THE GEEZAHS


Will there be an attempt to boost ratings be including a classic villain? Maybe... Read On..

INT: Some Generic Monitoring station, mostly sparse white surroundings, two nervous looking techs are staring at some consoles that display nothing but a floating grey mass.
Tech #1 turns on some sort of intercom device.

TECH #1: H-hello Dave... Come in Dave.

There is a burst of static that does not bode well.

TECH #2: Try using the Bosa Nova circuits to boost the signal.

TECH #1 (tetchy): All right... god... Dave, can you hear me, we're not getting anything on the head cam. Please report your position?

Dave (barely audible): Hello Control, this is Dave, I – my position, it... it's impossible to tell. Can't you get a fix? I need guidance back to your loca----

TECH #1: Eh, repeat please... your loca what?

Dave: Your location. And hurry, I think I've been discovered, there's someone or something following me.

TECH #2: Oh sh-

TECH #1: Shhh! Now let's not panic, I'm sure the tracker unit has him.

They turn to an inconveniently placed wall mounted monitor. A basic 2D map, green on black shows what could be corridors, streets, or a cave system. There is a blinking dot somewhere toward the upper left corner, a bigger fixed dot in the bottom right. They turn back to the intercom.

TECH #1: We have you Dave.

Dave: That's a great relief Control. I can't see a think in this disturbingly thick mist like substance?

TECH #2: That must be what is obscuring the head cam, plus all external video monitors, but what is it?

TECH #1: I dunno, some kind of local atmospheric phenomena?

HEAD TECH BRISTLE PARK (On entering the control room): It's what the locals call a pea supper. Now what's going on hare?

Bristle Park is a silver haired, Brigadier lite figure, with a habit of stroking his equally silver moustache.

TECH #2: Its Dave, he's outside.
PARK: What!?? But he's not been properly briefed or acclimatized to this alien environment. He's bind to get his self noticed by the indigenous population, some of whom are known for their violent, even murderous temperament.

TECH #2: He already has.

TECH #1: Now let's not be hasty, we don't know that for sure, and Dave is a professional, I'm sure he took every precaution to ensure he would blend in before he went outside.

CUT TO EXT: We see a frightened looking Dave crouched by a brick wall, he is dressed in a futuristic looking white jumpsuit and has a video camera sticking out of his forehead.

Dave: Control, I think whoever it is is getting closer, I need immediate EVAC now!

A sudden noise, off camera causes Dave to flee. The camera stays in place, a humanoid shadow falls across the spot where Dave was previously hiding. There is the feint sound of a simple melody played out on an old out of tune piano. The more discerning (or older) viewer will recognise the tune to My Old Mans a Dustman.

CUT TO INT: Generic Monitoring station. It gets tense. Park is monitoring the wall mounted monitor. There are now several blinking green dots. Two side by side, closing in on a single leading third.

Park: Get him to take the next left. Quickly man!

TECH #1 (somewhat slow on relaying the instruction): Hello Dave, hello Dave... take the next left.

Park: No, not his left, my left!

TECH #2 (watching over Parks shoulder): That's torn it, he's gone down an alley way with no exit. A dead end if you will.

Dave (barely audible, breaking up): I'm trapped, they're closing in, no oh no, it's horrible. No please, please don't hurt me, please. Ahhh! Have you no morality? Urrghhh! Mercy!!!!!! Eeehhhhhggh.

There is violent movement on one of the video monitors, presumably showing the feed from Dave's head cam, which crashes to the ground and is still.
Moments later it looks like the head cam has been picked up, it pans around slowly.

TECH #2: But it's attached to his head, so how can it be moving –

The pan completes, and settles on the decapitated body of Dave.

TECH #2: ahh, right of course.

There is a brief sudden movement as the camera is spun round 180 degrees, and the three shocked controllers get a distorted view of one of the deadly assailants.

DEADLY ASSAILANT:  Gertcha!!

The head cam feed goes dead.

Park (overacting piteously): Oh my good lord!

CUT TO INT: TARDIS. Tom Bakers Dr Who is sitting on the floor loading a rubber dart into a toy gun. He fires it at an object off camera.

CUT TO INT: TARDIS. We see the rubber dart strike the side of an inert K-9. The little robot dog is covered in darts.

Dr WHO: Ha Hah... nice.

CUT TO INT: TARDIS. Out of nowhere a poorly realized special effect occurs, in its wake Zoe Heriot appears. She's wearing the famous sparkly cat suit. She also appears in black and white. She looks around stunned and somewhat concerned. She spots the Dr, but doesn't recognise him. His grinning boggled eyed stare does little to allay her fears.

DR WHO: Well hello there?

ZOE: Who are you!?

DR WHO: Why I'm the Dr of course, surely you must recognise me?

ZOE: You're not the Doctor, you're nothing like him. But this... does... look like the Tardis... only different somehow... but why would I know that? And how did I get here?

DR WHO: The Time Lords memory wipe is wearing off my dear, and yes. I really am he you know. Just a little more handsome than you remember perhaps.

ZOE: I don't believe you!

DR WHO: As for how you got here – don't believe me?

ZOE (more resolute): No, I don't believe you.

The Doctor picks himself up.

DR WHO: Well you are a silly gal then aren't you? Who else but the Doctor would know of the Mind Rubber, our adventures in the War Guns, and the menace of the Kretins –

ZOE: You mean the Krotons.

DR WHO: Do I? I suppose so and then there were the Invaders, and the Dominatrix. I can laugh about it now but things got pretty sticky there for a while didn't they? And then there was that thing with Jamie that we promised never to speak of.

ZOE: Oh my, it really is you –

DR WHO: Yarhhhhs –

ZOE: - isn't it?

DR WHO: Indeed. And the reason you're here? Lets just say that the last model just wasn't working out... all that drinking, she was getting to be quite a bore. But you my dear, you're much more wholesome aren't you?

ZOE: I'm not sure what precisely you mean.

DR WHO: Well not to worry, there's plenty of time for you to work it out. Now then –

He steps up close to the still nervous Zoe, and pinches her face.

DR WHO: First things first, I think it's time we put a bit of colour in those cheeks, hwahh ha haa.

It's possible that could be played out in a more creepy fashion, but highly improbable.

CUT TO EXT: A foggy alleyway. The Tardis materializes splendidly.

TARDIS: nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnahhhhhhrrr, nnnnnnnahhhhhrrr

After a moment, the door opens and the Doctor and Zoe emerge. Zoe is now in colour, but it's clearly a post production painting affect.

DR WHO: Fog, yes! One of my favourite weathers.

ZOE: What is this place doctor?

DR WHO: Too early to tell. We should wander about a bit.

Almost immediately they stumble across the headless corpse of Dave. Zoe emits a classic scream, and clings to the doctor.

DR WHO (looking pleased with himself): There, there. Nothing we've not seen before.

ZOE: But it's so, red.

They approach the corpse together. The doctor spots something clutched in its left hand, which he retrieves.

DR WHO: Hello, what's this?

He squints at the object – a mother of pearl button. Suddenly there's a burst of movement behind them, dark figures begin to emerge from the fog.

DF #1: Hello hello

To Be Continued...

Spoon of Ploff

Here's the next Bit then.


Zoe emits a piercing scream.....two dark figures emerge from the fog... the Doctor and Zoe have just enough time to duck behind the nearest structure (which, by odd coincidence is a regular London Police Box) before they are noticed.

The figures appear to be one male and one female. The male figure is wearing a small pork-pie hat at a jaunty angle, and "gore-blimey" trousers. The female figure is wearing a felt hat with ribbons and a long black skirt. Both are wearing jackets adorned with large numbers of mother of pearl buttons.

Suddenly, Zoe (acclimatised to the sanitised atmosphere of a space station, and not dealing with the fog very well) lets go a loud sneeze.....

.....the two figures stiffen at the sound, and whirl round to where the Doctor and Zoe are hiding.

FF: Bugger me! They must be natives! They mustn't be allowed to see what has transpired here! You capture them, whilst I take care of Dave's body!

MF (grumbling under his breath): Why do I have to do the capturing...?

DW: Oh dear! It seems we've been rumbled! You'd better make a run for it whilst I buy you some time.

ZOE (puzzled): Why don't we both just run for it...?

DW: Oh, where's the fun in that...? Of you go my dear.

Without waiting to be asked a third time, Zoe legs it into the winding mass of dingy back alleys that seem to make up this part of the universe. The male figure confronts the Doctor

MF: Halt!

DW (indignant): My dear fellow, I can assure you I am already at perfect stillness, and thusly cannot "halt".

The male figure screws up his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose in an exasperated fashion.

MF: God, it was just such a routine day until about half an hour ago, now I have to deal with a dead body, a camouflage system failure and a smart-arse. Just do as I tell you, will you?

DW: You appear to have no means of coercing me....

MF looks slightly puzzled for a moment, then comes to a realisation..

MF:.....oh....right....I forgot.....

He manipulates a very particular button on his jacket.....a very cheap shimmering effect overtakes his whole body...when the shimmering does down, the male figure has been replaced by Technician #1 from the command centre! He's brandishing something that has obviously been made in a great hurry out of old yoghurt pots, pipe-cleaners and Sellotape, and has been spray painted silver. The assumption is that it's meant to be a ray-gun. He waves it menacingly at the Doctor.

TECH#1: Now move! Head Tech Bristle Park will have a few questions for you...!

DW: Ah well, since you put it like that.

The female figure has transformed into Tech#2, and has a large sack containing Dave's remains) slung over his shoulder. They head back into the fog.

Meanwhile, Zoe, having run blindly into the back alleys, has become hopelessly lost. The fog is getting thicker....strange noises can be half-heard in the distance, beyond the range of her visibility...a sample of such noises are:

   'Down at the Old Bull and Bush' being sung drunkenly to the accompaniment of a jangly old piano.

   Someone shouting 'Cockles and Mussels, Alive, alive-o!' (technically Irish in origin, but hey, stuff happens...)

   The sound of bow-bells on barges on a river

   Someone shouting 'Do-wot, you mupppit?!?'

And then another sound becomes apparent over all the rest....the sound of wheezing breath and laboured steps....getting closer.

ZOE: Hello.....is there someone there....?

There is no answer.

ZOE (clutching at straws): Doctor...? Is that you...?

A figure emerges from the fog...the figure is wearing a tall top hat and a long cape. His face is obscured by a high collar. He's carrying a blade! All-in-all, the effect is very Jack-the-Ripper-esque

FIGURE (posh nobs voice): Good evening, My dear...you appear to be lost....if you follow me, I'll show you a short CUT. M'W'ah-hahahahahahahaHAAAA!!!

The colour drains from Zoe's face.....quite literally as the post-production recolourisation chooses this precise moment to crap out.

ZOE: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaam!!!!!!

The figure approaches in a menacingly Victorian fashion, but just as it looks like Zoe's return is to be cut short, he is mown down by a marauding band of football supporters.

FIGURE: Aggh, oooofff, nar! Uuuuurrhhh.

MARAUDING WESTHAM FANS (for it is they): "We're forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air!"

One of them notices Zoe, and mistakes her sparkly purple outfit as an indication of affinity.

OOT: 'Eer, come on luv, its kick off in ten minutes.

ZOE (relieved and perplexed in equal measure): What's kicking off?

OOT: Haw haw, you dozy tart! Can't miss the derbies match

He grabs her arm and pulls her, protesting into the mass of pissed up hooligans.

AOOT #1: Oi! No birds aloud, even if they are fit!

OOT: F**k off!

AOOT #2: Hahhh, Ricks pulled!

OOT: F**k off! You c**t!

Zoe is carried along, powerless to resist. The camera pulls back and up as the fog clears somewhat, revealing their approach to the West Hammers home ground, which is White Hart Lane or something.

Marauding West Ham Fans: Come on you 'ammers! Come on you 'ammers!'

In the foreground the trampled Jack the Ripper character lies twitching in pool of his own red.

CUT TO INT: Generic Monitoring station. This is probably the one room they could afford to dress. Bristle is pulling nervously on his 'tash as Tech#1 and Tech #2 escort the Doctor in.

BRISTLE: Who is this then?

DR WHO: Why I'm the doctor, how do you do?

The offered hand is not accepted, and so the Doctor waggles his finger in front of the head technicians face.

DR WHO: You must be Bristle, and you're just bristling with questions I bet, aha.

BRISTLE: This is no time for a jokings, doctor. One of our technicians has been slaughtered and you sir... are our prime suspect.

DR WHO (acting all serious): Well that will never do. The thing is, we've only just got here ourselves and he was like that when we found him.

BRISTLE: We??

DR WHO: yes me and this charming young lady who –

He turns and realizes Zoe is not with him.

DR WHO: Oh yes, that's right she ran off. That's a shame. All you'd have to do is look into those sweet innocent eyes of hers to know we're not the sort to go around decapitating people without so much as a by your leave.

BRISTLE: You mean, you left some girl to wander about on her own out thar?

DR WHO: Thar? Where's thar?

BRISTLE:  You are on the planet Geezahz Seven, in the system E-3 Sten D

DR WHO (no longer putting on an act of seriousnessness, but actually serious): No, that's not possible.

BRISTLE: I'm afraid

BRISTLE: It is possible. Anyone out there alone who doesn't belong, or hasn't the yars of training it takes to blend in effortlessly with the locals is in great peril!

CUT TO INT: Close up of the doctors face as he grasps the awful truth, in the background tech #2 can be seen shuffling into shot and nodding a little too earnestly.

CUT TO EXT: Close up of Zoe, looking confused and concerned. Pull back to reveal she's in a football terrace, still surrounded by West Ham fans. She remains silent, listening as they all chant in unison –

WHFs: The referees a wanker! The referees a wanker.