Invent your own TV shows from the past

[Neville Chamberlain]

Etiquette Education

This new programme has been specially commissioned by the BBC to convey to children and adults the proper rules of etiquette. This week's episode discusses how ladies should behave in the event that they unavoidably find themselves in a narrow alleyway while wearing a crinoline; how gentlemen should respond in the event that they are detained for conversation with a lady of passing acquaintance on a public thoroughfare; and how ladies should respond in the event that the gentleman for whom they have developed a degree of affection engages in low and vulgar amusements such as word games and listening to music.

[Glebe]

Whomsoever Pays the Piper Wins!

Gyles Brandreth was your host for this '80s classic, which saw contests win prizes by 'paying The Piper', who was Lionel Blair in tights with a flute. One classic outtake saw Geoff from Surrey slip and get his face all up in Lionel's balls!

[Glebe]

Make it Quick!

Bradley Walsh was your host for this little-seen quick-fire quiz, which enlivened Channel 5 during the summer of 2005.

[Glebe]

The Blank Void of Despair!

Roy Hudd is your guide through the absurd desolation of random nothingness, as, from his 'Cave of No Hope', he asks questions and queries contestants before the inevitable arrival of oblivion! On Channel 5 in 2004.

Betwixt Empty-Handed and Prizes.

Tommy Boyd (Google him) is the quizmaster in this quest for conundrums from afternoons on C4 in 1992. Yet will our intrepid quizzers go home empty-handed... or will they have a set of golf clubs or teasmade in tow? THEY decide!

[Glebe]

Polish My Nutmegs Till They Squeak!

Frequently repeated on Challenge, this little chestnut ran from 1985-88 on ITV, and saw Lesley Crowther asks impertinent questions to a hand-picked bunch from the audience! Should they choose wrongly, they were brought over to 'The Stool', a kind of - well an actual - stool that Lesley stood on, pulled down his pants and then produced some prize nutmegs for the offending loser to polish to a shine!

If Leslie cried "Ooh that's lovely!" they were given another chance to pass through to the 'Squelching' Round, if he sayeth "Nah, not 'avin' it, mate," they were chucked into the Furnace of No Returning.

They show was notorious for many of the cheeky characters that appeared on it, some of whom even Barrymore would've found a handful! However, one, a Mr. Charles Frogforts from Bromwich, crossed the line when he quipped to Crowther, "'ere mate, I 'eard you wusn't happy about that Irish darkie from Thin Lizzy marryin' y'daughter!" Crowther flew into a rage, breaking various props around the studio and running hither and thither about the assembled audience, crying "Kill him! Roast him! Crack him! Break him!"

[DangledTeeth]

Selfie Elfie - ITV 4 (2015)

In a short-lived series comprising four episodes, Joe Swash attended red carpet events - at Christmas, dressed as an elf - in order to exclusively interview actors with cameo roles, before taking several snaps of reluctant huddles. Jon Voight did a sneaky 'cock-in-gob' gesture, which eluded the production crew and programme editors until it was broadcast.

[willpurry]

Whomsoever Pays the Piper Wins!

Gyles Brandreth was your host for this '80s classic, which saw contests win prizes by 'paying The Piper', who was Lionel Blair in tights with a flute. One classic outtake saw Geoff from Surrey slip and get his face all up in Lionel's balls!

For a few episodes an indisposed Blair was replaced by Giant Haystacks.

[Bazooka]

Sausage Roll or Thumb Covered In Heavy Eczema?

Contestants put their hand into a dark hole, feeling around until they find a bit of meat covered in flakes and guess whether it is a Sausage Roll or the thumb of a Celebrity who has bad eczema on their hands.

[Absorb the anus burn]

The Whole Kit & Caboodle BBC2 24th December 1981.

"... Join Kit and his piano playing chum Caboodle for laughter and songs as they celebrate Christmas in their own inimitable style...."

[Glebe]

A Clu(e) from Gulager.

Veteran America actor Clu Gulager offered contestants the chance to win rare prizes on this classic quiz show which ran from 1992 to 1989.

[Bazooka]

Luncheon Meat Mayhem

Two families compete for a months worth of Luncheon meat by competing is exhausting mental endurance contests,it ran from May 1974 to May 1974 after being cancelled instantly due to an e-coli breakout on set, when the Luncheon meat was left under hot studio lights.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Live from Shugborough Hall: 1979

An early experiment in fly-on-the-wall documentary making. A camera would randomly follow people around Shugborough Hall until they were told in no uncertain terms to clear off. Episode four gained some notoriety featuring as it did an incident where someone was nearly pushed into the ornamental lake, and a child's ice lolly went missing presumed swallowed by a mute swan.

No copies or recordings are known to exist. But the Live From Shugborough Hall fan club still meets twice a year at Shurland Hall to carry out reenactments of their favourite scenes.

[Dannyhood91]

A Helping of Harold. (1995)

Harold Ramis presents members of the public with various mystery meat dishes and they have to guess what they are. Never suspecting one is the meats on offer is a chunk of his arse. A helping of Harold of you pardon the pun.

[Dannyhood91]

I believe a gentleman should always strike his wife with the back of his hand, should she display an independent thought or opinion that contradicts his own. 1933

Does what it says on the tin.
Archive footage of this historic show is presented by Kilroy Silk

[Ray Travez]

Beggar Thy Neighbour

When a dishevelled panhandler moves in next door to a couple of middle-class stockbrokers, there are japes a-plenty!

Beat Thy Neighbour

When Allen Ginsberg moves in next to Hitler, sparks start to fly- with hilarious consequences!

Love Thy Neighbour

Courtney Love moves in next to a mildly successful rock musician, and lives off him parasitically until he blows his brains out- with hilarious consequences!

Keeping Up With The Joneses

Howard Jones and Tom Jones have a running club, but when Buster Bloodvessel joins, he soon realises he is going to have to get in shape if he wants to... run as fast as they can.

[Glebe]

Bob's Throw Cheggers Across a Lake of Crocs!

It's 1985, and Bob Monkhouse is your host for the challenge show with a difference... ON BBC ONE! Conceived by Noel Edmonds.

© Edmonds Productions, 1985.

[Dannyhood91]

Grandads Getting Dressed 1997

Late night 90's larger lout telly straight from Channel 4. Pissed up Bob Mills presents grandads in the studio getting dressed into their Sunday finerys for the pleasure of the nation.

[Glebe]

Umphriiiieeeeeees?!

The success of Are You Being Served? was such that in 1985 John Inman was invited to star in his own show, Umphriiiieeeeeees?! Inman played Martin Umphries, the put-upon butler of Lord Henry Stalworths (Robert Morley).

[the]

[cptspalding]

Fantastic!!

[Glebe]

Have lotsa Imaginary Karma, the!

[Golden E. Pump]

Randall and Hopkirk, Diseased

Jeff Randall and Marty Hopkirk (played by Les Dennis and Keith Chegwin) are private detectives who find themselves ridden with a new venereal disease each week! Join us as we join the cheeky chaps in their efforts to inform all of their previous partners that they are potentially infertile and dead soon as well as keep it from their current beaus. Maybe these private dicks should have kept their dicks private!

Featuring Bob Monkouse as 'Doctor Willy Looker'.

[Glebe]

The Two Newsies.

This 1982 special saw the Two Rons do exclusively news from behind their desk.

RON C: "It's woooooonderful to be here tonight, isn't it Ronnie?"

RON B: It certainly is Ronnie, and in a packed programme tonight, we will be doing more news, but first, some late breaking news. A man with two willies has got his willies caught in door. No word as yet, but it's going to be a long stretch!

[Glebe]

Beat That Illegal!

Channel 5's challengingly non-PC game show ran for two series from 2006-7, host Gary Bushell in fine fettle throughout.

[Gwen Taylor on ITV]

Assaulted Cracker
One hour special

In which crime psychologist Jim Cracker is attacked by a salesman for Carr's Water Biscuits.  Using his knowledge of crime, John Cracker is able to identify and then confront the attacker leading to a psychological stand-off.

It's a bit like that episode of Quincy where he gets mugged.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Georges LWT - 1987

George Cole and Georgina Hale star as the retired police inspector and his ex-con cat burglar wife in the classic sitcom. With the restaurant struggling to turn a profit, George is tempted to return to old habits. Meanwhile, George gets an unexpected visitor from the past. Also starring Janet Dibley as George.

Georges Abroad LWT - 1989

George Cole and Georgina Hale star as the retired police inspector and the ghost of his ex-con cat burglar wife in the classic sitcom follow-up. Having sold up and moved to Hamburg, George is tempted to return to old habits. Meanwhile, George gets an unexpected visitor from the past. Also starring Nicholas Lyndhurst as George.

George's ITV Studios - 2016

Georgia Moffett and Georgina Hale star as the granddaughter of the retired police inspector and his ex-con cat burglar wife, and the ghost of her ex-con cat burglar grandmother in this revival of the classic sitcom. With the restaurant struggling to turn a profit, George is tempted to return to old habits. Meanwhile, George gets an unexpected visitor from the past. Also starring Joe Thomas as George.

[Glebe]

Shove as Many Dennis Watermans as You Can into a Giant Tumble Dryer in 60 Seconds!

Indeed they will, Bradley, and tonight's star prize is a trip for two to see Dennis Waterman in a posh restaurant of your choice!

[JoeyBananaduck]

The Hunt For Brighton's Sweatiest Lezzer

Raunchy 90s club-crawl fun hosted by Jo Guest. Shown on Bravo 6 times a night.

[Glebe]

I've Managed to Nab a Bargain!

Join David Dickenson and Tim Wonnacott for the battle of the century on Channel 5 in the mid-'00s, as they scour both loft and fete in their search for rare bargains and fantastic antiques. It's a must! Or at least it was around lunch time ten years ago or so, if you had Channel 5 and there was absolutely nothing else on.

[Ray Travez]

Watch Me Steal This Shit!

The hunt is on for Britain's most brazen shoplifter. For the winner, an all-expenses-paid trip to Barbados with Anthony Worral-Thompson; for the assorted losers, a spell in Parkhurst.