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Invent your own TV shows from the past

Started by George White, July 01, 2017, 11:02:57 PM

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Brundle-Fly

Bod's Back 2014

Childrens' favourite returns in CGI. Bod solves mysteries with a talking dog from Mars. Narrated by Jack Whitehall. Music by Underworld.




Glebe

Whack-a-Pole!

It's 2003, and for an ill-advised, one-off series, Nick Knowles and Richard Littlejohn help people refit their kitchens with the help of some cheap-labour Polish immigrants. If they fail in their task, however, Richard whacks 'em with a brush and sends 'em back to Poland on a banana boat.

Glebe

Slam-Dancing with Roy Kinnear!

Join Kinnear and the likes of The Buzzcocks, Stiff Little Fingers and Peter and the Test Tube Babies for another weekly feast of punk moshpit action, in 1980!

Glebe

Hide from Jeremy!

Jeremy Beadle's on the loose, in this 1996 classic. Choose your hidey-holes, contestants, but beware; he's sharpened the axe and he's willing to use it!

Glebe

Y'Durnst Know Yer Onions!

West-Country comic Jethro asks the questions, on this amiable quiz show from 1994. Prizes included a trip to Skegness, and, on one occasion, your very own shoe buff kit.

Glebe

Slam an Oil Tanker into the Side of Guernsey!

Bob Monkhouse is at it again, guiding the contestants from the safe remove of the 'Captain's Quarters', high above the studio. The remote control is yours, and the quality of the waters surrounding the Channel Islands is in your hands!

Mr Banlon

The Knowledge Of All Fonts 1970s Typographical quiz show for printers, calligraphers and signwriters. Ran for only one season. The series champions were The Mad Monks (four bible restorers from Acton)

Mr Banlon

For Whom The Belm Tolls Late 90s Channel 5 travelling gameshow where contestants had to belm at unsuspecting members of the public in the street. The winner was the person who managed to belm in the most faces without getting punched right in the fucking mush.
Cancelled after the stabbing in the Bermondsey episode.

Highway Late - Granada - 1998

Join Harry Secombe as he tours nightclubs across the country in this late night, youth focused follow up to the popular religious show. In tonight's episode Harry visits Crystals in Hull where he meets Julie as she prepares to enter a wet t-shirt contest and sings a haunting rendition of Josh Wink's Higher State of Consciousness.

Mr Banlon

#69
Lights! Camera! Acton! West London-set sitcom from the early 80s about feuding shop owners with adjacent stores.
Dougie Lamp (Bernard Cribbins) is the owner of a shop that sells lights and shades. He's a bit of a scruffbag, his shop is  messy, old fashioned and business is not doing too well. He's wise, avuncular, has a community spirit, and locals of all creeds and colours are always stopping by to chat and get (sometimes the wrong ) advice.
Len Cap (Patrick Mower) is the snooty, new to the area, owner of the photographic studio next door. He's a fucking cunt.

The Mad Monks appeared as extras in the betting shop scene in episode #57, which was a crossover episode with Big Deal. (the one where Robbie Box had to hide out in Dougie's outside toilet with the chickens)

Mr Banlon

The Doo-Ragtrade Mid-90s spin-off from Desmond's.
Desmond's youngest son Sean opens an Afro-Caribbean hair-product stall at East Street Market with a loan from Porkpie.

Glebe

Disclose a Celebrities Phone Number to a Baffled Ferret.

This never really took off, but for one series in 2007, Channel 5 viewers were agog as Dermot O' Leary coaxed ferrets from their hiding places on the specially-built stage, and contestants set about trying to get them to prank call the likes of Donny Osmond and Prue Leith.

Glebe

Snaffle a Rare Doughnut off a Special Plate!

Stolen doughnuts ahoy, as Leslie Ash challenges the brave and the good of Britain, on Five!

JoeyBananaduck

Will He Bollocks!

Domestic strife-laden 70's gameshow in which various housewives endanger their husbands for a small cash prize. Genial host Des O'Connor asks a series of dares to the wife while the husband is secured in a Mr & Mrs style soundless booth. "Will your husband dangle his testicle sack into a tank of pirahna for £300?", "Will he bollocks!" "Will he punch a dwarf in a crowded shopping centre for £50?" "Will he bollocks!"....we all waited with baited breath for that all important "He might!" whereupon the husband was removed from the booth to accept said challenge for said sum. Cancelled after the famous 'arse suffocation incident' (YouTube it) when a wife on the brink of divorce accepted the offer for her husband to be facially sat upon by a sumo wrestler for 20 minutes for the princely sum of 25p and a tube of Smarties.

Glebe

Quote from: JoeyBananaduck on July 30, 2017, 08:53:13 AMthe famous 'arse suffocation incident' (YouTube it)

It's been taken down, on the instructions of Des O' Connor himself. Dailymotion are bricking it, mate. Bricking it.

Glebe

Boing a Couple of Beetroots Across a Lake of Tim Wonnacots!

You heard the man - the 'man' being Bradley Walsh, who brightened up evenings on ITV4 or summit a few years back, by challenging contestants to catapult some crimson-tinted veg across a pool of people dressed as Tim Wonnacots, in a concept that screamed 'drawing board' from it's very inception.

Pizza Pizza

Split-screen real-time day-time cook-off with representatives of all of the country's major towns facing off against one another to go out and buy then come home and cook a frozen pizza, quick as they possibly can.

JoeyBananaduck

Totally Mashed

Depressing late night post-pub twilight-of-the-career outing for former CBBC veterans Bodger and Badger as Simon, visibly pissed, visits aspiring bedroom DJs in order to listen to and feign enthusiasm for their 'mash ups' before crashing out or pleading with them to let him sleep on their floor for the night. 6 episodes. On 2 occasions he remembered to bring the puppet.

Bazooka

Smash The Pervert! 1973-1991

Each week a contestant is accused of being a sex fiend, if they can avoid the angry mob and reach the goal they stand to win £126!

Following criticism for ruing lives and reputations, the shows producer Gerald Mush went on to say " the contestants know the risks, and if having nothing to hide, they shouldn't be worried. We can't be held accountable for every marriage and family that breaks down because of this family entertainment program".

DangledTeeth

Appalachian Balloon Race 1990

A short-lived series hosted by Jonathan Ross, in a remote area of Belgium, where three couples answer questions in order to earn a vial of fuel for their balloon. The first to reach 30,000 feet is declared the winner. One of the balloon-piloting contestants was reportedly drunk, and he suffered a bout of derealisation then attempted to fight colours, consequently causing their balloon to collide into a tree.




Glebe

Chortlesome Chuckles with Chesney Hawkes!

The theme tune was 'The Laughing Policeman', and, indeed, 'The One and Only' singer Hawkes dressed as officer of a law, as he judged contestants' forced laughter bouts to be legal or criminal, with law-abiding laughers deemed fit to enter 'The Roaring Round', where actual tears of laughter were expected to be shed in the name of tonight's star prize, which was usually a Tefal toaster on the better episodes.

DangledTeeth

Frank Bruno's Frankly Brutal Challenge - Challenge 2008

The former punch-mad maestro of pugilism hosted two series of the physical gameshow, which took place at the 02 Arena, with Lee Dixon and James May as commentators.

Contestants' wits and physical endurance were tested in a series of general knowledge questions across four rounds. The contestant with the least amount of correct answers for each round was required to traverse an arduous assault course that involved climbing up a 60-foot-high net ladder and weave - temporarily wearing gigantic foam size 30 shoes for this stage - in and out of 20 traffic cones on the ramp leading downwards (each traffic cone knocked over resulted in £500 being removed from the 30k prize fund), which lead to an industrial-sized conveyor belt covered in ice and Fairy Liquid on an 80-foot-long bend; the contestant then had to leap across 6 rotating propeller-style platforms in order to reach a a chin-up bar, which activated a klaxon to signify the finish once the contestant performed their 20th rep. Any drop-downs incurred a £1,000 deduction in the prize. Beating the course in a set time gave contestants a ten-point lead in the final round. And yes, Frank did guffaw quite lovably at each contestant making thoroughly unfit arses of themselves.

Glebe

Enact Scenes from Orwell's Homage to Catalonia, with Roy Walker!

Roy 'Keep pressin' and guessin'' Walker invited contestants to try out their acting skills with this Generation Game-style fun-fest. Things kicked off with the Costume Round, which saw contestants attempt to don period dress within the allotted 30sec time-limit. Tonight's Star Prize: double choco rations for all!

JoeyBananaduck

It Ain't Half Cold, Dad!

Correctly overlooked spin-off in which, following the conclusion of the war, Lofty, Gunner Graham and Gloria find themselves on a venture across the Arctic after an inexplicable crash landing on their way back from Burma. Notable for its sloppy attitude towards geographical accuracy, Windsor Davis made one appearance in episode 5 as an Eskimo with more than a passing resemblance to the team's former Sergeant Major - but his cameo came too late to save the show from being a one-series wonder and the show never had the chance to resolve episode 6's cliffhanger in which Lofty had seemingly been bummed to death by a narwhal.

Spoon of Ploff

Watching Paint Dry With Malcolm Kalistro And Thomas Hardachre

This hour long Thursday evening show ran from Jun 1964 to Feb 1965 and featured Malcolm and Thomas, plus special guest. The programme would begin with the three having just finished painting a wall (off camera) sitting down on a sofa to admire their work. For the duration of the run time they might occasionally comment on some particularly good brush work, or that missed bit in the top left corner. Favourite colours could also be mentioned, along with the topic of Matt or Gloss.

For some reason there was always the sound of a hushed piano playing the tune 'London Bridge is Falling Down' in the background.

The show was cancelled after it was discovered the number of suicides in the Greater Manchester area increased four fold during the time it aired.


Glebe

Quote from: JoeyBananaduck on August 05, 2017, 09:50:13 AMand the show never had the chance to resolve episode 6's cliffhanger in which Lofty had seemingly been bummed to death by a narwhal.

Imaginary Karma.

That's My Segment!

Join Paul Daniels and this week's hopefuls on BBC2 in the early '00s, as a selection of cheese and fruit segments come up for grabs! But who will lay claim tonight's selection of food 'pieces'? Tune in an find out, with Challenge TV repeats!

Glebe

Sand That Knot!

Woodwork enthusiasts were in for a treat every Friday afternoon from 1981-82 on ITV, as Ted Rodgers challenged contestants to wear down woody problems within a 30 second time frame. Tonight's STAR PRIZE!: a gasket.

Sod That For A Laugh Granada 2003

Ed Tudor Pole hosts the ill-fated, bawdy Men & Motors game show in which men would sodomise a randomly selected person, animal or object to the guffaws of a baying audience. Cancelled after a gerbil was torn in two during the filming of episode 3.

Glebe

The Two Georges.

For one night only in 2010, George from Rainbow and BBC News' George Alagiah came together for sketches, laughter and fun, with music from Mizz Tasmin Archer.

GEORGE FROM RAINBOW: It's been wooooonderful to be here tonight, hasn't it, George?

GEORGE ALAGIAH: It certainly has, George!

GEORGE FROM RAINBOW: And it's goodbye from me-

GEORGE ALAGIAH: -And it's goodbye from him!

BOTH TOGETHER: G-Goodbyyyyyyyye!!!


Bazooka

^^ + kArMa

Star Squirts 1993-1995

Following the success of Through The Key Hole , Sir David Frost returns with a Saturday night entertainment show. Each week two teams must guess which famous star is hidden inside the porter loo, all they can hear is the groans,gas and splutters emitting from the celebrity after they have been fed some bad prawns.

When asked who his favourite celebrity guest was, David Frost reflected "Oh definitely Christopher Biggins, sounded like a blocked volcano filled with minestrone soup, couldn't hold any more and erupted! He lost 4lbs in that porter loo".