...And it's goodnight from that cunt

[JoeyBananaduck]

Challenge: Rewrite an existing Derek & Clive sketch in the style of The Two Ronnies. Win nebulous prizes.

[spamwangler]

thats a releif! thought ronnie barker had died for a minute there

[zomgmouse]

You know what, I was legitimately going to try but I started reading the script to "I Saw a Bloke" and it's legitimately frightening how close the two styles are. Minus the swearing, of course.

[Quincey]

This website may help: http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/

Derek and Clive transcripts.

[spamwangler]

  In cunt hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing cunt warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving cunt customer.
CORBETT (muttering): There cunt are. Mind how cunt go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing cunt scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for cunt box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there cunt are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get cunt fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought cunt said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: cunt any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: cunt rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out cunt box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'cunt want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't cunt any, haven't cunt any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' cunt any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get cunt hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought cunt said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets cunt hose, whilst muttering) When cunt said 'O's, I thought cunt said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for cunt moment): O's? Oh, cunt mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up cunt pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) cunt had me going there!
(He climbs up cunt stepladder, gets cunt box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'cunt want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: cunt any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' cunt bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've cunt all this shop, I ain't cunt any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'cunt want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: cunt're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: cunt any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See cunt foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): cunt are 'avin' me on, cunt are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: cunt are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets cunt pair of brown foot pumps out of cunt drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! cunt come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's cunt on there! Look what 'e's cunt on there!
JONES (who goes to cunt drawer with cunt towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

[JoeyBananaduck]

What you've done there is (nominally) rewrite a Two Ronnies sketch in the style of Derek & Clive - the opposite of what was requested. As things stand you are both disqualified and in the lead.

[Rolf Lundgren]

CLIVE: I'll tell you the worst job I ever had
DEREK: That reminds me of something I was saying earlier to my producer...
CLIVE: I was working for the police when there was a burglary at the station. Yes, the robbers had taken all the toilet seats. We tried to catch them but unfortunately we had nothing to go on.
DEREK: That's the long and short of it. Well he's the long and I'm the short!
CLIVE: Can I have a fork handle please?

[spamwangler]

What you've done there is (nominally) rewrite a Two Ronnies sketch in the style of Derek & Clive - the opposite of what was requested. As things stand you are both disqualified and in the lead.

you sound just like my regional manager