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Noel Edmonds is Unwell

Started by Ballad of Ballard Berkley, August 08, 2017, 07:23:47 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
Quote from: Cuellar on February 01, 2019, 02:18:58 PM
I saw him at Heathrow the other week. He looked determined.

I can just picture him, standing on the runway, flapping his arms.

shiftwork2



Phil_A

Oho, this just appeared in an ad on facebook. And guess who features in it!

https://www.spankthebankerfilm.com

Soup Dogg

Is it former Mud bassist Ray Stiles??

PlanktonSideburns

Former mudhoney bassist I can't be bothered to Wikipedia it?

Thomas

I empathise with Noel's gumption on the Lloyds issue. I'm being docked a fiver a month on account of some old device insurance policy that I'm continuously attempting to cancel, and every time I think about it I fume.

Unwell? You and me both, Noel.

Tikwid

Rather remarkable new Neol interview in the Grauniad: https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2019/jun/01/noel-edmonds-bank-mr-blobby-barmy-reputation

QuoteI tell Edmonds I once read he got up at 4am and worked out for four hours. "Oh fucking hell, fuck off!" he exclaims. But he flexes a large bicep and places his arm on the table: "Do you want to arm wrestle me?" I tell him I don't want to risk losing to a 70-year-old in public. "Exactly," he beams.

Quote"...Faeces is the same. We know how much shit and piss is going through the system."

QuoteEdmonds: How big is the food warehouse for the UK in the event that our country has a problem with food? How long can we survive if there is a blockade?

Me: I don't know.

Edmonds: Tell me!

Me: I've no idea.

Edmonds: You can't say that. How old are you?

Me: 44. Do you know what our food reserves are?

Edmonds: Yes.

Me: How?

Edmonds: Because! (banging table) Facts! Knowledge! Opinion!

Gerald Fjord

i fucking love noel. what a jewel he is in this dreary world.

kalowski

You missed the best bit
QuoteStretching, he thinks, is a time-wasting con invented by personal trainers.

BlodwynPig

Is anything he said provably false though? Makes you think

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Quote from: Gerald Fjord on June 01, 2019, 01:21:57 PM
i fucking love noel. what a jewel he is in this dreary world.

I genuinely, in all seriousness, cannot begin to fathom the point of a life with Neol in it.

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

I would also like to make it clear that I don't think it's funny that Noel was once suicidal. I've been there too.

I actually feel quite terrible about the title of this thread, but in my defence I started it before the news of Noel's suicide attempt became public knowledge.

Dr Rock

Quote from: kalowski on June 01, 2019, 01:48:48 PM
Quote from: NollyStretching, he thinks, is a time-wasting con invented by personal trainers.

He's right. A personal trainer told me.

Alberon

Quote from: Ballad of Ballard Berkley on June 01, 2019, 02:21:09 PM
I would also like to make it clear that I don't think it's funny that Noel was once suicidal. I've been there too.

I actually feel quite terrible about the title of this thread, but in my defence I started it before the news of Noel's suicide attempt became public knowledge.

It is accurate though. If it's any help he may have gone off the deep end but he seems happy enough about it now.

daf

Quotepersonal trainers

Is he getting his pumps hand made now?

Glebe

QuoteMy wife doesn't want to wake up next to someone who looks 70. So I keep in shape. I do something I call snackcercise.

QuoteIn 2016, he set up a pet counselling service, calling cats and dogs to offer them words of affirmation and positivity. After counselling a cat called Dana down the line on Jeremy Vine's Radio 2 show ("Fish Dana, you like fish, don't you?") he reportedly received 2,000 applications for help in four hours. By May 2019, however, there was no sign of the service on his website.

QuoteHe has claimed in previous interviews that his parents, both now dead, accompany him in the form of melon-sized orbs wherever he goes.

QuoteA couple of hours into our conversation, Edmonds says he wants to do an experiment on me. He asks me to stand up, place my arms by my side and resist as he tries to pull my right arm upwards. I feel like a contestant on House Party. As he pulls, he says loudly: "Resist. Resist. Resist." Other diners are looking our way. I successfully resist and Edmonds says, "Good." Then he fetches his mobile phone, tells me to hold it in my left hand, before grabbing my right arm and doing the whole "Resist. Resist. Resist" routine again. Only this time I find that I cannot: he pulls my arm up easily.

Edmonds smiles in satisfaction. "And people say that I'm crazy because I believe in the human body's energy system," he says. "All I did was introduce a negative energy into your system [the phone] – but Noel Edmonds is fucking stupid and crazy!" For a moment, anger flashes in his eyes. Then he switches into faux-zany, beaming at me intensely and saying: "Do you know why I am stupid? Because I tried to share it with stupid people. Isn't it fun?"

Partridgean gems, the lot.

Ferris

Quote from: Glebe on June 01, 2019, 04:39:05 PM
Partridgean gems, the lot.

Wait, what? How does the phone thing work?

Noel always one mystic step ahead

dr beat

I'd love to know which restaurant in Edinburgh that was.

Dr Rock

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on June 01, 2019, 04:42:54 PM
Wait, what? How does the phone thing work?

Noel wasn't trying very hard the first time.

Alberon

QuoteHe has claimed in previous interviews that his parents, both now dead, accompany him in the form of melon-sized orbs wherever he goes.

Wherever? Even in the shower or on the loo?

Never mind the privacy issue wouldn't that be boring? You transcend death and all you decide to do is hang around your son constantly?

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Alberon on June 01, 2019, 09:04:24 PM
Wherever? Even in the shower or on the loo?

Never mind the privacy issue wouldn't that be boring? You transcend death and all you decide to do is hang around your son constantly?

But it's noel tho

non capisco

QuoteIt's getting late but Edmonds is becoming more energised. "I am on one now," he admits.

LEGEEEEEEEEEEEEEND! OI OI NOEL, GET THE BUMBLES OUT, MY SON!

Ian Drunken Smurf

QuoteIt's getting late but Edmonds is becoming more energised. "I am on one now," he admits. What's his take on Brexit? "Brexit is the best example of how the regime needed to control the population by creating a distraction," he says. "It was, without a shadow of a doubt, created by the political elite – who, of course, are not the people we vote for, but the ones who really run the country. So for three years we are talking about this complete and absolute nonsense and not the real issues facing us."

But Neol's right on the Brexits. Or maybe it is a carefully rehearsed bit of patter to try keep the Grauniad readers on side.

Hey, Punk!

Quote from: Tikwid on June 01, 2019, 01:17:01 PM
Rather remarkable new Neol interview in the Grauniad: https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2019/jun/01/noel-edmonds-bank-mr-blobby-barmy-reputation

I thought you'd made those quotes up. He truly is a character, to say the least.

Sherringford Hovis

Of aliens landed tomorrow with their "Take us to your leader" bit, I'd take 'em to Noel. He'd sort things out.

Glebe

Needless to say, Noel had the last laugh.

touchingcloth

Quote from: Glebe on June 01, 2019, 04:39:05 PM
QuoteIn 2016, he set up a pet counselling service, calling cats and dogs to offer them words of affirmation and positivity. After counselling a cat called Dana down the line on Jeremy Vine's Radio 2 show ("Fish Dana, you like fish, don't you?") he reportedly received 2,000 applications for help in four hours. By May 2019, however, there was no sign of the service on his website.

I and my imaginary pet - Sydney, the Baltimora python - were beneficiaries of this service, as recounted here:

Quote from: touchingcloth on September 17, 2016, 11:46:28 PM
"Hello, Sydney. It's Noel Edmonds from TV's Deal Or No Deal Here. I just wanted to say good morning, and say that I hope you're enjoying slithering around and eating mice, and I wish you a very positive day."

His Noel's Mad Site is no more, but the pet counselling and other nonsense can still be peeped via the old Wayback:

https://web.archive.org/web/20161003195819/http://noel.world/phone-a-pet/

https://web.archive.org/web/20161109180204/http://noel.world/great-orb-debate/

Quote from: Glebe on June 01, 2019, 04:39:05 PM
QuoteHe has claimed in previous interviews that his parents, both now dead, accompany him in the form of melon-sized orbs wherever he goes.

Not just orbs, according to the Wayback link above, but:

QuoteWhat happened next was one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life because resting on my pillow, slowly fluttering its wings, was a Peacock butterfly. I have never ever seen an active butterfly indoors in January. I immediately called for the others to join me and as we gathered together Liz spotted a second butterfly on the bedside lamp. Incredibly, shortly after asking for some sort of sign from my late parents these 2 Peacock butterflies appeared.

Liz made up some sugar water and we actually fed the butterflies from a teaspoon. All the time they made tiny noises and they clearly enjoyed the drink.



It was such an extraordinarily emotional moment that Kauser took a picture of us with the butterflies and so began my fascination with Orbs, because as you can see there are some strange round objects in the photograph.

kittens

that butterfly story is quite sweet really. i can see how, if your mind is already a bit melted, that experience and the photograph could lead one to believing in parental orbs.

Glebe

QuoteLiz made up some sugar water and we actually fed the butterflies from a teaspoon. All the time they made tiny noises and they clearly enjoyed the drink.

That's quite unsettling.