Anxiety (another CaB mental illness thread)

[Blue Jam]

My GP has just signed me off werk for two weeks with anxiety, which is a new one for me. How does this work then lads? I've never suffered from anxiety before (at least not to a problematic degree with an actual diagnosis) and I've never been signed off werk before.

The anxiety resulted from a combination of a very high workload, a short deadline, possible redundancy, colleagues being childish and obstructive dicks, and having to move house after my landlord decided he wanted to sell up. I have now buggered off at a really bad time and I feel really bad about it, but I couldn't go on and I would have let my boss down whatever happened. It probably won't help with that redundancy issue either- why would my boss keep on that person who can't work well in a team or cope with pressure over deadlines?

The colleagues being childish was probably the worst thing: two much younger colleagues who have been cliquey and weird and hostile from the start, trying their best to undermine me and make me feel unwelcome. I suspect my boss may have interviewed another of their besties for the job and they're annoyed that I got the job instead and "stole" it from her- that's the only explanation I can think of. I'm angry with myself for letting this pair of snot-nosed kids get to me with their childish behaviour- it's humiliating and I have no idea how to sort it out.

I've got at least two weeks out of that toxic environment to sort myself out, and I think I should probably take that full two weeks. I'm going to do loads of exercise and try to eat healthily and get outdoors as much as possible. I'm in good shape physically and my blood tests all came back normal, including the liver function test, so I'm also going to celebrate my healthy liver by putting some booze through it while spending some quality time with my Xbox.

How do you cope with anxiety, how do you get better from it, and how fucked am I over the job situation? Anything I really should or shouldn't do? Any advice would be welcome, thanks.

[Bazooka]

A bit of a pickle, does the boss know why you are off work?

[Dr Syntax Head]

I don't know if you drink but my anxiety died off when I stopped drinking. I hope that helps.

[Dr Syntax Head]

Also sobriety stopped me watching porn which means I avoid the shame spiral.No shame equals no anxiety.

[Ian Drunken Smurf]

I have had a protracted battle with it over the years - due to the constant deadline pressure of two non-fulltime jobs that never dovetailed with one another. It reached a point where on the rare occasion I wasn't working, I was still feeling guilty for not doing so. The frequency of panic/anxiety attacks seemed to multiply. I also had to deal with a colleague sticking the knife in, which saw me struggle to keep my shit together. She complained about me sometimes having to leave the office due to a panic attack even though I used to end up with about 6 weeks overtime a year in that job. The turn around came when I realised that I had met the woman of my dreams and that I had to change my life to keep her. I cut out all the things that nagged at me - and became a ruthless delegator of things I didn't want to do and then decided on career change and consolidation. Ultimately I had a clean break and went off round the world on honeymoon during my notice period to make the break cleaner. My tip would be to identify the baggage that you don't need (that drags you down) and try to find a way of jettisoning it. If you are made redundant, if you can possibly afford to treat yourself to a break somewhere or do something that satisfies a guilty pleasure.

[Blue Jam]

I don't know if you drink but my anxiety died off when I stopped drinking. I hope that helps.

I did wonder if I should try that, but I've been drinking less and less over the past few years anyway, thanks to me becoming less able to handle my drink with age, and I don't feel any better for it. There have been periods of months or even years when I've avoided drinking before, due to being on medication, and I never felt any different as a result. The anxiety is also not an ongoing, long-term thing- I've suffered from depression before but I've never had anxiety to a problematic degree before now. Incidentally I'm not on any medication now and both me and my GP want to avoid going down that route.

I had been getting symptoms around work stuff- thinking about work, being on my way to work, being at work etc. Now I'm at home they're all gone, but I am worrying about what will happen when I eventually go back, and if anything can be done about my dickish colleagues (I suspect not).

Redundancy may or may not happen- my contract may not be extended but the issue is money rather than my performance- I've just had a glowing annual appraisal and my project has been going really well. I've got a job interview lined up as a Plan B so I may be alright whatever happens, and I'd be tempted to take that job anyway even if I do get my contract extended, but it would look bad and my boss is actually alright and I really don't want to let him down.

It's all so fucked- I just feel like I have no control over my life right now and I hate feeling that way.

[greencalx]

are you still doing academic stuff, BJ?

[checkoutgirl]

why would my boss keep on that person who can't work well in a team or cope with pressure over deadlines?

Because these days it's almost impossible to fire someone. Even if they're unbelievable shit and have been for years and years. There's no way they can fire you when you have a doctor's note and are genuinely mentally ill. It might make them target you for dismissal but they'd have to have a bloody good reason unrelated to taking time off for stress.

[Barry Admin]

What's your caffeine intake like?

[Cold Meat Platter]

Have you ever heard of our lord Jesus Christ?

[checkoutgirl]

How do you cope with anxiety, how do you get better from it

I've no advice but when I was really stressed I gave up caffeine and a couple of other things and it worked a treat. Booze can also be a problem. I don't think it helps anyway.

[Small Man Big Horse]

So sorry to hear this Blue Jam, I know it's a horrible place to be in. When you return is there any way you could sit down with your two colleagues and try and improve the situation? If not I feel changing jobs really would be for the best, I know you like your boss but when it comes down to it your own mental health is the most important thing, and if these two people are going to be a constant problem then I feel it would be best to get out of there. And whatever happens, I really hope you're in a better place soon.

[Blue Jam]

are you still doing academic stuff, BJ?

Yes. Working in a small, newly-established research group where there is real pressure to deliver and very limited funding and I have to improvise a lot of the time...

What's your caffeine intake like?

Unusually for a scientist I can't stand the taste of coffee, and I only drink tea occasionally. I love my Diet Coke but I don't get withdrawal symptoms without it, or need one to get going in the morning. Maybe I should give the caffeine-free version a go, cheers.

[checkoutgirl]

I had been getting symptoms around work stuff- thinking about work, being on my way to work, being at work etc. Now I'm at home they're all gone

This doesn't take a genius. A different job perhaps?

[Barry Admin]

Yeah I remembered you were also fond of Diet Coke. Caffeine can definitely make anxiety worse.

[shiftwork2]

Echoing the coffee and alcohol sentiments. Dropping these two for a while usually sorts me out.  Decaf is so good these days I don't know why I bother with regular coffee.

It's a shame that you're obviously good at your job yet feel unhappy in the workplace.  Its essential to make this known to your boss.  If he/she is any cop they will deal with it or at least allow you less interaction with this pair of cunts.

[Dr Syntax Head]

Anxiety is the most damaging. Good luck BJ. Like I said, no alcohol!

[WesterlyWinds]

I've suffered from anxiety for years, although it comes and goes and I have bad and good periods.

As a start I'd make sure you are exercising as much as you can, getting as much sleep as you can (I know it can be hard with anxiety), and eating as healthily as you can. Really obvious advice, I know, but it's importance can't be understated.

Another incredibly valuable thing to do is to work out your triggers. I don't mean those 'exceptional' things like colleagues who are arseholes, no matter how fucking awful they may be, but your everyday triggers. For me - and linked to my first set of advice its mainly tiredness and hunger. There's a palpable difference to my state of mind after a terrible night (or few) of sleep and even in the hour before lunch or tea. Or at least there can be, it doesn't always happen. But what was important for me to recognise is that they were temporary, largely alterable states, and therefore when my mind gets caught up in anxiety - regardless of the particular topic(s) it might be embroiled in in that moment - I can take a step back and think 'right, I'm tired/hungry/whatever' and that can help calm me down in the moment (albeit not necessarily stop it entirely).

I'd also recommend trying to identify the physical feelings associated with your anxiety, even - particularly - when it's at a persistent yet low level as opposed to in the height of anxiety attacks (which I get, but you may not). For me they are a jittery feeling in my stomach, a hollow feeling in my chest, and sometimes a 'lump' in my throat. I find this helpful for those days of low level anxiety. My mind will start racing about any old shit and I'll again try to take a step back and focus on how my body feels. Is this a "real" problem to give some worry time to, or is it feeding parasitically on my physical symptoms? Easier said than done, sure. I have found mindfulness meditation has really helped me get to grips with this.

The other thing I'd do is work out what your current coping behaviours are. For me, whether in the height of anxiety or on a general low level day, the more damaging ones include drinking excessively (alone or otherwise), spending money stupidly, eating endless junk food, smoking, and going incommunicado with friends and family. If I catch myself doing any of these things - particularly the last one - I again 'take a step back' and think about why. Am I not messaging people back because I'm busy, or is it because I'm feeling anxious? Am I going to buy a bottle of wine to 'cook with' and maybe have one glass or drink the whole bottle alone on a Tuesday night? You can't expect to always stop these behaviours, but I find them to be helpful warning signs.

Ultimately everyone is different. And my strategy, having now written it out, seems to risk being overly (self-)analytical, which is a big problem within anxiety in my experience, but I think it's important to establish a 'baseline' at the very least, and check in with yourself every now and then. Otherwise it's very easy to get caught up in a spiral of worry, or even mania that feels great at the time but, for me, only ever leads to regret.

Sorry, bit of a self indulgent ramble there. Hope some of it is of use.

[WesterlyWinds]

Oh also, as you are getting to grips with it all don't jump to conclusions about causes. I'm emphatically not saying it's not work that's causing it, but it might just be something that exacerbates it and can be managed, rather than avoided entirely.

[Dr Syntax Head]

Jeez the going incommunicado hit home. I tend to cut myself off of society its a weird comfort.

[WesterlyWinds]

Sometimes it's okay to take time off from the world. I just find that if I'm doing it for the 'wrong' reasons I'll just end up feeling worse.

[buttgammon]

It's mad how it comes and goes, and it's very hard to identify a trigger sometimes. I seem to recall that the first full-blown panic attack I ever had was in a branch of B&Q, and I still have no idea what caused it. I thought I was having a heart attack, and it led to a concerted period of anxiety.

I think I've been becoming more anxious again lately, and it all seems to have been dredged up by a heavy drinking session. I don't really drink these days but I was at a wedding with a free bar the other day and made the most of it. I find weddings stressful as it is and by the end of it, I felt like shit. From that point and the ensuing hangover, these issues with anxiety (and, unfortunately, self-harm) that had been dormant for ages seem to have resurfaced. There's obviously more to it than just having too much to drink on one occasion, but I swear it was a factor in bringing everything back, even though it may not have been the catalyst.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Taking time off is wonderful if you're in the right frame of mind, but walling yourself in is only going to help your mind turn inwards.

Annoyingly I've found myself to be the most anxious when my life has been more-or-less serene, it's as if my brain has nothing real to worry about so it actively goes looking for it. University summers were bad for that. Thank god years of endless drudgery have replaced them, eh?

[sick as a pike]

I seem to recall that the first full-blown panic attack I ever had was in a branch of B&Q, and I still have no idea what caused it. I thought I was having a heart attack, and it led to a concerted period of anxiety.

My bad one (ambulance, scans, consultants) happened in Morrisons car park.  There must be something profoundly unsettling about a certain type of retail.

[WesterlyWinds]

I'm angry with myself for letting this pair of snot-nosed kids get to me with their childish behaviour- it's humiliating and I have no idea how to sort it out.

Also don't do this. Getting angry at yourself, or blaming yourself for 'letting things get to you'/feeling anxious can be very counter productive. Inevitably it's part of the process, but the sooner you let it go the better.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

signed me off werk for two weeks with anxiety, which is a new one for me. How does this work then

Hoho happppyyyydaaaaaayyyyys

anxiety

Oh.

I dunno but try to make sure the return to work stuff is constructive, the aim being to not lead you back here.

And basically take two weeks to do whatever and not feel guilty about it.

[greencalx]

Right.

New research groups can be a good place to work, because you have the opportunity to shape its culture and get recognition for doing some of the definitive work in the area...

However, this does rely on everyone pulling in the same direction. I'm guessing that most of the pressure is coming from a short, fixed-term contract, and the need to have something to show at the end of it. If your boss is piling on the pressure then its likely that they overpromised when getting funding and are themselves concerned about under delivery. It's not always obvious that these bosses positions are also precarious (often relying on sustained funding) which is a source of stress for them.

Your junior colleagues aren't helping, frankly. your pi has a responsibility to manage their team with due regard for your welfare. If you have concerns about these colleagues, then you should raise them. (I'm assuming they are RAs rather than PhDs). If your boss is decent, as you say, this may be something you can discuss with them. Often using the phrase 'line manager' will be sufficient to remind them that they should be doing some management. If they're an arsehole then frankly you'd be better off somewhere else.

I don't know if any of that helps or makes things worse. PM me if you like - I have a suspicion that your uni will be very similar to mine in the way it's managed and I have some knowledge of the various structures, procedures etc.

[QDRPHNC]

It's all so fucked- I just feel like I have no control over my life right now and I hate feeling that way.

That's the anxiety.

[pancreas]

Can I ask you all: have you tried pulling yourself together? Just pull yourself together, for god's sakes, pull yourself together.

[buttgammon]

My bad one (ambulance, scans, consultants) happened in Morrisons car park.  There must be something profoundly unsettling about a certain type of retail.

I have much more positive associations with Morrisons. The local one back home is near the hospital, so I remember going there after finding out I hadn't just had a heart attack following another bad panic attack, feeling relieved and remembering I had the North London Derby recording at home.

The madness for me is that anxiety seems to be entwined with an increased risk of self-harm, but then the fear of the damage the self-harm is doing just makes me more anxious. During the previous period when I had lots of issues with anxiety (much of it medical anxiety), I was self-harming a lot and if I wasn't going to hospital with a panic attack that felt like a heart attack, I was there worried that I had seriously hurt myself. I'm going to see someone anyway because even if this has just been a one-off blip, I want to do all I can to stop it from happening again.