Anxiety (another CaB mental illness thread)

[poo]

Made me vomit slightly

[rue the polywhirl]

I found out my piano teacher who I've had one lesson off is ill from anxiety and has cancelled all his lessons. But I need lessons off him because otherwise imma gonna get anxietous about my playing. The circle of anxiety is just so vicious. I had to play accompaniment at a singing concert a couple of weeks ago. About 4 songs or so. I was so worried that I couldn't play any of the songs. (And with justification - because I COULDNT) that I ended up making a big melodrama before the show and they managed to find a better piano accompanist anyway so I didn't do nearly any of the songs I agreed to. The one song I played was woeful - A version of Trolley Song at 50% speed played by an arrthymic, tone deaf dude with clubs for hands. I would have curled and died with embarrassment but I think I've curled and died with embarrassment so many times that I've grown really numb to it and now it just feels fine. I have been getting free singing lessons off the singing teacher organising the concert in exchange for free piano accompanying which she wants to renege on so now I owe her to the tune of £400. Bliss.

[Blue Jam]

I've got a job interview lined up as a Plan B

Got the job. Erk...

...nah, it's all good and suddenly it feels like everything may be alright.

[greencalx]

Well done!

[Pinckle Wicker]

Got the job. Erk...

...nah, it's all good and suddenly it feels like everything may be alright.

Well done!!

[Blue Jam]

Cheers, youse...

The time off did me some good- I did lots of cycling and yoga, ate healthy food and got out of the house as much as possible. I also played video games and drank quite a lot- I was going to quit but fuck it, I rather enjoyed being a pisshead for a bit and I think that also did me some good, frankly. I've since knocked that on the head- Hedonism September is officially over now that I'm back at work and preparing to start a new job in a few weeks.

I've started feeling anxious and tight-chested again so it looks like it was definitely work causing the problems, and finding a new job was definitely the solution to them all. Also it looks like my current job may not have been secure after all so it's a good thing I started looking for a new one.

The job interview was unexpected (as was the job offer)- I had posted my CV on my employer's "staff at risk of redundancy" thing and someone got in touch to say they knew my work really well and admired it and would I like to come and work for them? I don't like to think I'm prone to flattery but after almost a year of being surrounded by people who think I'm an imbecile and treat me with zero respect I was very tempted to just go "sod this, I'm off". When the HR people at my current job then handled my situation pretty badly my mind was made up.

My return to work has been as weird and awkward as I had expected, but thanks to me having saved up my annual leave  I've only got one more week to go so I'm just counting the hours until I can fuck the fuck off. Also trying to power through the familiar lack of arsedness that always comes after one hands one's notice in.

[Pinckle Wicker]

Anxiety really is an awful affliction. I myself have been thrown under the bus in a despicable way at my work and have not been able to sleep or eat from worry. I went to the docs the other day and now on a course of Beta Blockers, which have helped tremendously so far in the fact I can sleep uninterrupted for about 4 hours now and and also eat again. I am not sure whether just to get signed off as well, I have a meeting next week with boss and think this will be me getting 'let go of'. The way it has been done has been to engineer her friend getting a role within our dept and then coming out with shit about my job and my ability to do it, non of which has been mentioned at all till now. It really is frustrating and my anxiety goes into full spin cycle which makes me hate myself for being such a weakling and also a victim.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Really glad to hear that you got the new job Blue Jam, and that you're escaping the toxic environment you were in.

[Blue Jam]

Cheers SMBH- and the word "toxic" was indeed used at the meeting which ended with me handing in my notice. They know...

I have a meeting next week with boss and think this will be me getting 'let go of'. The way it has been done has been to engineer her friend getting a role within our dept which makes me hate myself for being such a weakling and also a victim.

Oh FFS- you'd think this kind of thing would end the minute you left school, but years later you still find grown adults being all cliquey with their BFFs in the workplace. I'm so sorry to hear this, PW.

The problem at my workplace was largely down to two students whose whole attitude was "No, you can't be our fwend". They behaved as if the office was their treehouse club and they seemed angry that my boss chose to hire someone to do some work rather than recruiting them a new friend to play with. I still have no idea why- I was always pretty quiet and kept myself to myself, I only ever wanted to turn up, get my work done and fuck off home, so fuck knows why they were making such an effort to put on this weird display of hostility.

Perhaps the saddest thing was the way they seemed prepared to jeopardise some valuable research in order to win a petty personal battle. I have to wonder what draws these people to science and who the fuck lets them in...

...which makes me hate myself for being such a weakling and also a victim.

Oh gawd yes- this is exactly how I feel for letting this pair of jumped-up pipsqueaks get to me. I did my best to ignore them but of course that never works, and I can't pretend that almost a year of being treated like I had some sort of disease didn't get to me- no, I'm not bigger than that, I'm only human and trying to brush off personal attacks is much easier said than done. I feel so pathetic, like I'm at school again, one of the shy and nerdy kids being made to feel two feet tall by the Mean Girls.

I am not sure whether just to get signed off as well

Maybe get yourself signed off, PW, because...

Hoho happppyyyydaaaaaayyyyys

...plus I understand that "letting someone go" is much harder if they're on sick leave. My GP had some good advice on the legal side of this- as people who are trained to use their awesome power to sign people off work and override bosses I guess GPs know a thing or two about the legal implications, so maybe book another appointment. If your GP is a good one like mine they will probably want to monitor you anyway so they should be there for you if you want a chat. As you're on anxiolytics, and finding effective drugs, doses etc can be trial-and-error, your GP will probably want to see you again soon anyway.

Do you have any concrete evidence for this workplace nepotism, or have your colleagues been sneaky enough to not put anything in writing/emails? Is there a manager higher up you can go to? Look into tribunals and unfair dismissal, maybe dig out your annual reviews if you can use them as evidence that they have no reason to let you go, and maybe get signed off so you've got time to do all of this and recover from the toxicity.

PM me if you feel like a rant, and good luck with getting things sorted.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I've been offered a job 100+ miles away after not being very happy at work for quite a while and now it looks like its happening I can't help feeling I'm making a terrible mistake.

Seemed like a good idea when I was just daydreaming about it though.

[Hello! Replies Hidden]

Today is the third day in row I've managed to stay awake and not go back to bed.

Thanks guys, especially the haters too.

[Ferris]

I've been offered a job 100+ miles away after not being very happy at work for quite a while and now it looks like its happening I can't help feeling I'm making a terrible mistake.

Seemed like a good idea when I was just daydreaming about it though.

I'm considering handing in my notice tomorrow. Lads doin' it togetherrrr!

[Glebe]

Today is the third day in row I've managed to stay awake and not go back to bed.

Thanks guys, especially the haters too.

Good stuff mate, keep it up! I'm fucked at the mo and my sleep pattern is well wonky.

[Hammer]

https://thebraindumpsite.wordpress.com/2017/10/08/writing-about-my-mental-health-for-world-mental-health-day/

It's WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY tomorrow and I've written a blog post about my narrowly avoiding a complete mental breakdown a few years ago, if anyone's interested. I'm going to write another one about how I sorted myself out at some point.

Not sure if anyone would be interested as I've hardly posted on here, but here it is anyway.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Has anyone had any experience of Mirtazapine for anxiety or depression?

[Cuellar]

Has anyone had any experience of Mirtazapine for anxiety or depression?

Yes I currently take one of these before bed, alongside my 3 doses of venlafaxine during the day.

For the first few days I was like a zombie at work - could barely keep my eyes open. I've been on it for the best part of a year I reckon and it's going ok. Apparently in the trade the venlafaxine and mirtazapine combo is known as 'California Rocket Fuel'.

Don't take it until you're ready to go to bed, it'll knock you out.

[Old Gold Tooth]

https://thebraindumpsite.wordpress.com/2017/10/08/writing-about-my-mental-health-for-world-mental-health-day/

It's WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY tomorrow and I've written a blog post about my narrowly avoiding a complete mental breakdown a few years ago, if anyone's interested. I'm going to write another one about how I sorted myself out at some point.

Not sure if anyone would be interested as I've hardly posted on here, but here it is anyway.

Just read that now. Very interesting and relatable and I'm glad things are going better for you.

[Blue Jam]

Has anyone had any experience of Mirtazapine for anxiety or depression?

Yes, in 2005- my annus horribilis during which one shitty thing kept happening after another without giving me any time to recover in between shitty happenings, and I was still suffering from chronic insomnia. It sorted out the depression and I also had the side effect of severe drowsiness, so it sorted out the insomnia too. My doctor had prescribed it to kill two birds with one stone and she had advised me to take it before bed, which turned out to be very good advice- so do that, and maybe avoid driving for a bit until the side effects settle and you have a better idea of how it affects you.

The other major side effect I had was a massive increase in appetite- a sudden feeling that I could have eaten a wedding cake for breakfast every day and still been hungry, but I resisted the urge to eat willy-nilly and that side effect settled down and went away after about a week. It wasn't too bad for me as I'd lost my appetite and lost a load of weight before I went on it anyway so it was probably good for me to be eating a bit more, but if you really can't afford to gain weight you might want to watch yourself.

I had a couple of problems with it: At first I was on the branded version of the soluble tablets, Zispin Soltab, and they worked well- dissolving one under my tongue before bedtime meant I would absorb the drug quickly and I'd be asleep within half an hour. When I got a repeat prescription and was given a generic version of tablets to be swallowed I found it work at all and I had to get my doctor to specify the more expensive branded version. Maybe that was psychosomatic but going back on the soluble ones seemed to rectify the problem.

The second big problem was the fact that it just seemed to stop working entirely after a year, and my doctor said that this happens quite often and put me on a different drug. Just be aware of that and try to look out for signs that it may have stopped working and that you may need to try a new drug.

Good luck with getting yer head sorted xxx

[pancreas]

Yes, in 2005- my anus horribilis in which one shitty thing kept happening after another without giving me any time to recover in between shitty happenings, and I was still suffering from chronic diarrhoea. It sorted out the discharge and I also had the side effect of severe hardness, so it sorted out the diarrhoea too. My doctor had prescribed it to kill two birds with one stone and she had advised me to take it before bed, which turned out to be very good advice- so do that, and maybe avoid driving for a bit until the side effects settle and you have a better idea of how it affects you.

[Blue Jam]

^^^ Nah, she prescribed smack for all of that.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Thanks for the replies. I have a version to be swallowed (RelonChem). I've been taking them at night for two weeks and sleeping heavier, feeling drowsy and putting on weight. I'm not sure if the last is all down to food cravings or if the body behaves differently in other ways.

[New Jack]

Can I ask you all: have you tried pulling yourself together? Just pull yourself together, for god's sakes, pull yourself together.

Too right. Gotta say, I was struggling with depression til someone told me to cheer up. What zen! What sage advice!

'stop moaning and get on with it' worked for them, but I just suffered silently!

J/k I can't do anything silently

[Lost Oliver]

Thanks for the replies. I have a version to be swallowed (RelonChem). I've been taking them at night for two weeks and sleeping heavier, feeling drowsy and putting on weight. I'm not sure if the last is all down to food cravings or if the body behaves differently in other ways.

Come back Smeraldina. Please.

I had a horrible afternoon last week. I was convinced I was having a panic attack and was on edge for about 5 hours. My mind was racing, constantly, I was over analysing everything, I was sweating and my breathing was rapid and shallow. I was in work and I had to keep getting up to move around because I felt like I was going to collapse. I've felt similar to this in the past but never this intense. My mind wanders to negativity but this was something else and I couldn't imagine escaping from it. I even typed out a suicide note.

After work I went to see my friend who calmed me down a bit, fed me some digestive biscuits and gave me some water. An hour later and I was kind of okay. Anyway, it turns out it was the five cups of coffee that I'd had that morning that had done this to me.

If you'd asked me a month ago if coffee had any kind of effect on me I'd have said no. It's only after this experience that I can see that it very clearly has and does and that it something that I could definitely do without. I still drink it in the morning but if ideally I'll stop doing that soon. I love the taste but I don't want to go through that experience ever again. It was worse than any kind of comedown or hangover. Sick making and anxiety inducing. Awful.

[The Boston Crab]

Can completely confirm the same at my end. I gave up coffee and suddenly wasn't an irritable, insomniac, stressed, existentialist, misanthropic twat. I was just a twat.

[pancreas]

I had a few coffees and wanted to kill myself.

You need working on, boy. I used to drink coffee until I went blind.

[Utter Shit]

I'm very sorry to hear this Blue Jam. I've had problems with anxiety on and off over the past decade and am in the midst of a pretty severe bout at the moment...to be honest I don't have much helpful to say, I just want to extend my sympathies because at its worst it is a truly vicious, frightening thing. Hopefully the breathing space your work have given you will help, and it's fantastic that you've got good people around you to lean on - I am similarly lucky in this regard, and sometimes wonder how people who don't have that safety net cope when anxiety hits.

Edit: Christ almighty, check the dates Utter Shit. Glad this is in the past for you Blue Jam, and my sympathies go out to anyone else who is, or has, been affected by it. It's nasty.

[Blue Jam]

Hahahaha... thanks for the kind words anyway, US, and for reminding me that I never did post an update:

To recap: In my old job I signed a year-long contract and was supposed to generate some nice data and send it in with some paperwork before the second year of research funding was released and I could then sign a second year-long contract. The second year of funding was pretty much guaranteed- I had good data and the paperwork was a formality, I would have to have done fuck-all or made a serious fuck-up to have been refused the funding.

Anyway, I was offered a better job at the end of Year 1, I quietly fucked off, and things vastly improved. A few months back I met some of my old (non-cunt) colleagues- people I had actually liked and had never said goodbye to. I felt a bit bad about that so went over to say hello and to finally explain what happened. One of them then told me "You did the right thing- it took your old boss four months to sort out that paperwork. He got the money, but if you had stayed you would have been out of work for four months. Over Christmas."

Fucking hell... most of the guilt I had felt about fucking off evaporated after my old department handled the whole anxiety thing appallingly, but that killed off any last remaining shreds of guilt. I had just thought my old boss was a bit hopeless and out of his depth, I guess I was being generous there and just trying not to admit that I had been working for a feckless lazy git...

Been in the current job just over a year now and it's going great. New colleagues are nice, new department is friendly and social, new project is very interesting and I get to be a bit of a techbro so it's all good.

The only minor niggle is that one of the PhD student twats at my old job has now been given a postdoc position by her boss and that has bothered me to a surprising degree. She's probably the creepiest and most socially awkward person I've ever met and she would be unemployable otherwise and I had been hoping for a bit of schadenfreude... meh...