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Unexpected Nudity

Started by Small Man Big Horse, September 18, 2017, 05:40:02 PM

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Small Man Big Horse

Your nudity, other people's nudity, dog nudity, hell, anything goes here. To start things off, here's something I wrote a year ago as I'm fucking lazy today.

QuoteOne night at about 11pm someone knocked on my door and upon opening it I found a completely naked forty year old woman was standing in front of me, who went on to say in a very causal manner "Here's some mail for you", before wondering off to knock on someone else's door. I'd never really chatted to her in the past but she'd always seemed normal enough and I've no idea what triggered that particular event, and as she moved out fairly quickly afterwards it'll forever be a fairly bland mystery. My theory is that she was a confused clone though, just for the record.

im barry bethel

More likely she was a little embarrassed seeing you open the door with a turkey carcass perched on your cock.

Cold Meat Platter

What about when you've been pissed and forgot that you took all your clothes off before going to bed for some reason.
You don't expect that because your memory is faulty due to the drink although I expect that's obvious.

buttgammon

Stupid question, but did she actually have any mail?

TheManOne

Getting ready at a colleague's house, his girlfriend walked through the lounge simply saying "Sorry, not wearing any knickers" and went about ironing a dress. Not an ounce of shame. Fair play, but where do these people get the nerve? I daren't even be naked in front of myself.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Cold Meat Platter on September 18, 2017, 08:15:57 PM
What about when you've been pissed and forgot that you took all your clothes off before going to bed for some reason.
You don't expect that because your memory is faulty due to the drink although I expect that's obvious.

When I'm pissed the clothes have a tendency to stay on. Sometimes even the shoes.

Fabian Thomsett

She was clearly reading The Dice Man and got carried away.

biggytitbo


Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: buttgammon on September 18, 2017, 09:35:14 PM
Stupid question, but did she actually have any mail?

Sort of, she had a couple of bits of junk mail addressed to the room number rather than me.

I also saw ten pairs of breasts once. I was walking through Piccadilly on a cold Friday night with a friend and I looked at a large coach, inside of which lots of women stood up, took off their tops and jiggled their chests. Then they put back on their tops and sat down. Can't say I enjoyed it to be honest, it was too brief and a case of way too many breasts.

Lemming

Whenever I stay over at my friend's house, her housemate will always necessarily stalk naked through the residence at around 6 PM, bollocks dangling openly. If you make accidental eye contact, he just nods and says "awright mate" before striding past. He also shits with the door open, and the only conclusion I can draw is that there's something massively wrong with him.

DukeDeMondo

#10
A friend came to visit me in London once and I was showing him about the various London places, all the places, you know the sorts of places. Anyway just as we were walking towards the ICA about three hundred naked cyclists appeared at the far end of Trafalgar Square. We stood there while they all peddled past with their willies and their fannies flying everywhere, all three hundred of them or however many there was, away up the Mall and back again. Three hundred might be an exaggeration. A hundred, anyway. I was shocked. I didn't let on to my friend that I was shocked. Pfft. That's London for you. What? Live here in London like me you soon get used to diddies, son. But it was all a front.

Happen quite often, apparently, these naked London bike rides. Only one I ever saw, but I did enough looking to do me for ten, I can tell you that.

Anyway my friend was far more impressed by that than he was by the fucking Banqueting House or whatever.

Janie Jones

Not even 2 months since we had this thread but, I guess, it bears ahaha or indeed bares, repeating. I consider it worth it for reliving the experience of the massive young German cock I had slapped around my face. Anyway, if anyone wants to see the previous thread, here is is
http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,61521.msg3200734.html

Sherringford Hovis

Not strictly unexpected, as customers' partial nudity is a common-ish feature of my job description, but last Saturday was rather memorable as I got an involuntary eyeful of both 19 year-old and 96 year-old boob in the space of just 45 minutes.

I of course remained professional, making honking noises only when I actually touched them.

BlodwynPig

Oft told
Table tennis club in Northern Germany. Blodwyn goes to trial. Blodwyn has shower and gets changed. Team captain stroll up to Blodwyn stark bollock naked. His hoden dangle dangerously close to Blodwyn's face, die rute very prominent and ominous. Blodwyn didn't make the team. Ping Pong, Ding Dong!

Jockice

The bloke from the flat upstairs quite often pops into my place. Usually he knocks but on the last occasion he just strolled straight in - to find me sitting at this computer wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. I was just about to put some clothes on but I didn't have time to grab anything so just pulled the t-shirt down hoping he wouldn't be able to see my bits. Later I stood where he'd been and realised that even with the pull-down he'd have been able to see the lot. Oh well, I suspect he won't be so hasty to come in unannounced next time. Not worth making a fuss about such a small thing, move along now, there's nothing to see, etc etc.

JoeyBananaduck

I'm pretty sure all of my neighbours have seen my tadger by now. I sleep naked, get up naked, and I'm sorry but I want to know what's in the post box and you shouldn't be staring down my driveway anyway. It's very rude.

Jockice

#16
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on September 18, 2017, 09:40:34 PM
When I'm pissed the clothes have a tendency to stay on. Sometimes even the shoes.

I don't get pissed very often but a friend of mine likes to tell the tale of when I shared a room with him after a wedding. Apparently I struggled for several minutes to take one shoe off, finally managed it and fell fast asleep on the bed, still dressed in my suit, shirt and tie. And one shoe.

After another wedding the bride's heavy-drinking father came to breakfast the next day in stockinged feet, claiming he'd lost his shoes at some point in the evening. We were all puzzled until one of his sons went to his dad's room for a search. And found they'd been carefully placed inside the lampshade, one of those bowl-shaped ones. There was no way old geezer could have done that without climbing up on something after moving it into the centre of the room. And then moving it back. People move in mysterious ways sometimes.

Big Mclargehuge

When I was in halls at university I was just getting to know my *Then* new partner and one night when we were on the way back from the pub we were greeted at the main entrance by a heavily pissed French student with a total mop of crazy hair, smoking a fag. wearing nothing but a tiny (And I mean tiny) Union jack posing pouch and some lime green transluscent flip flops. One bollock tucked in. the other hanging Well out. He said something in a cheering manner in french to me and the missus and offered a toast. it was never raised or mentioned again. he moved out of the halls a couple of months after that to live with his partner in a different part of the university. I hear he jet sets around the world these days...I often wonder if he still wears the UK posing pouch or whether he changes it up depending on the country...

Paul Calf

Quote from: Small Man Big Horse on September 18, 2017, 05:40:02 PM
Your nudity, other people's nudity, dog nudity, hell, anything goes here. To start things off, here's something I wrote a year ago as I'm fucking lazy today.

Quotene night at about 11pm someone knocked on my door and upon opening it I found a completely naked forty year old woman was standing in front of me, who went on to say in a very causal manner "Here's some mail for you", before wondering off to knock on someone else's door. I'd never really chatted to her in the past but she'd always seemed normal enough and I've no idea what triggered that particular event, and as she moved out fairly quickly afterwards it'll forever be a fairly bland mystery. My theory is that she was a confused clone though, just for the record.


Why did you ask her age?

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: Janie Jones on September 18, 2017, 10:44:20 PM
Not even 2 months since we had this thread...

Ah, but that was one of Pancreas' intelligent discussion threads, whereas this is one of SMBH's lurid tales which disgust or excite threads.

Quote from: Paul Calf on September 19, 2017, 02:56:42 PM
Why did you ask her age?

I didn't, but due to much research I can instantly tell the age of a breast upon seeing it.

pingus

Quote from: TheManOne on September 18, 2017, 09:38:51 PM
Getting ready at a colleague's house, his girlfriend walked through the lounge simply saying "Sorry, not wearing any knickers" and went about ironing a dress. Not an ounce of shame. Fair play, but where do these people get the nerve? I daren't even be naked in front of myself.

Please can I have more details about this? So she was just completely naked in front of you?! Thanks

Small Man Big Horse

#21
When at university I lived with two people for the whole time and didn't see any nudity until the very last month when my housemate Kate lifted her hand one morning to wave goodbye to me, but accidentally lifted up her pyjama top and revealed one massive boob (38GG, apparently). I let out a girlish scream and to this day I do not know why, I normally like breasts and I liked the individual in question. So it seems unexpected nudity isn't for me. Planned nudity is fine, but when it comes out of the blue I just don't enjoy it.

I also willing went got dragged in to a peep show for a friend's 21st, where the lass was topless. That was bleak too, especially when she invited us 'backstage' where handjobs were on offer. I of course politely declined, and then sold my story for 10p to the Surrey Mirror.

Jockice

The couple who lived in the flat next to me in the mid-90s split up and moved out for a while and then the bloke moved in with his new girlfriend. Their front window was one of those that could slide up. The main door to the flats is at the side.

One summer Sunday morning I woke up early and decided to go and buy a couple of papers. As I turned round the corner to the front of the flats what should I see but the woman climbing out of the window completely starkers. She was just about to get something out of her car when she saw me. Not a word passed between us as she climbed back through the window and I got into my motor. Not a lot either of us could say really. I just presume that she didn't think anyone else would be going out before 7am on the day of rest.

Gurke and Hare

Quote from: Small Man Big Horse on September 19, 2017, 04:50:59 PM
I also willing went got dragged in to a peep show for a friend's 21st, where the lass was topless.

Surely this is one for the Expected Nudity thread?

biggytitbo

There was a young naked couple in one of the fountains in millennium square in Leeds a few years, just sat in there like it was a jacuzzi. We had a brief chat and the girl insisted on getting up at one point just so we could see she was definitely naked.

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: Gurke and Hare on September 19, 2017, 06:33:28 PM
Surely this is one for the Expected Nudity thread?

Well at the beginning of the evening I hadn't expected to see nudity. But I see your point, and will start a thread accordingly.

mothman

Many moons ago, pre-children, MrsMoth and I lived in a bungalow for a while. Semi-detached, but it had high fences and the back garden was totally private and unoverlooked. This meant it was possible to sunbathe in the nude (and also to go out in the middle of the night and fuck wildly in the middle of the lawn, which we did often - but that's for another thread).

As one hot Saturday afternoon drew to a close, MrsMoth was catching some rays. The sun finally moved off the garden and she decided to water her tomatoes (not a euphemism) and went to turn on the hose, the tap was at the side of the house down the driveway. Without putting any clothes on.

I'm not sure anybody saw her. I eventually managed to get over being struck dumb (and laughing my head off) and call her back before she got too far down the side of the house, in full view of the street. She'd forgotten she was naked...