Comedy lines that just tickle the shit out of you

[Norton Canes]

"Oh my god....it's gonna piss down!"

"Oh, you stupid twats."

Genius, isn't it. My favourite ever comedy sketch.

New page "Water! Water from the skies!!"

[madhair60]

Jesus christ could you useless cunts at least attribute the fucking lines so I can fucking watch them if I fucking want to, fucking idiots. The most basic fucking thing to do

[madhair60]

^ Phoenix Nights, 2001

[Phil_A]

Homer: When I was a boy I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctors thought I might have brain damage.

Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer: I like stories.

Has me in fits, every time.

Marge: Your father can be surprisingly sensitive, remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.

[touchingcloth]

She's not a well woman. Not a well woman at all, so she very much resents having to go down the well every morning

[Keebleman]

From Raising Arizona:

"Are these balloons funny shapes?"

"No, not unless you think round is funny."

[MoonDust]

The Simpsons: the whacking day episode.

Mayor Quimby: Please welcome, Larry White!

Barry White: It's Barry White.

Mayor Quimby: It says Larry on my card.

Barry White: I know my own name..


Also on the monorail episode.

Mayor Quimby: And er, may the force be with you! Haha.

Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?

In fact that whole episode has crackers. When Krusty tries to jump out of the monorail I always get tickled when Nimoy saves him "No! The world needs laughter!"

And:

Nimoy: A solar eclispe... the cosmic ballet goes on...

Passenger: Does anyone wanna swap seats with this guy?

Black Books

Bernard talking about Mannie. "He's a beard, with an idiot hanging off it."

[SpiderChrist]

"I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor and I want my sausages."

[SpiderChrist]

Interviewer: Bert, some people say this is crazy.

Bert: Aye, well but they said Crippen was crazy didn't they?

Interviewer: Crippen was crazy.

Bert: Oh, well there you are then.

[willpurry]

I've conquered moons, you bastard!

[SpiderChrist]

"He's an angry elf!"

[kidsick5000]

"And you weren't much help were you, you little wanky window?"

Also from that sketch "...You roaring purple vagina"

[hard rocx and mettals]

Black Books

Bernard talking about Manny. "He's a beard, with an idiot hanging off it."

'Do you think I should wash my beard?'
'I think you should wash it, yeah. Then I think you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.'

[SpiderChrist]

"Chest weasels."

[Cuellar]

Jesus christ could you useless cunts at least attribute the fucking lines so I can fucking watch them if I fucking want to, fucking idiots. The most basic fucking thing to do

[Petey Pate]

Many lines from Xavier: Renegade Angel.

"You people wouldn't know gratitude if it broke in here and caused your deaths."

"It takes fewer muscles to say 'thank you' than it does to die."

"I sacrificed everything, even your lives for you people, and what thanks do I get?"

Actually all of those are from the same episode.

[up_the_hampipe]

Jesus christ could you useless cunts at least attribute the fucking lines so I can fucking watch them if I fucking want to, fucking idiots. The most basic fucking thing to do

I did. Both times. Do you like me?

[madhair60]

I did. Both times. Do you like me?

Yes x

[madhair60]

I'm partial to a few Venture Bros lines, such as "i'm trapped in a sewer with a confessed arsonist", though that really doesn't work out of context

[DukeDeMondo]

One of many dozens from Spinal Tap.

"Look, who's in here? No one, and then in here, there's a little guy!"

https://youtu.be/BHGJEdjCoeU

[Captain Z]

I will give you one gibbon.

[Utter Shit]

"You're supposed to sit on your nest egg until it hatches, not eat it like a greedy, mad chicken".

EDIT for madhair: Peep Show, one of them says it to the other one.

[DukeDeMondo]

Also from Peep Show, when Hans fires the laptop over his shoulder.

"Oh, cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic?"

[MoonDust]

Mark telling Jez he's got over Sophie. "Oh really? Is that why you've written her name on every egg under the word bird?"

It really works best with the visuals too:

[madhair60]

Partridge's "It is technically a building site so you should have a hat hard on. What am I saying, I mean a hat hard on. I've done it again! Come in."

[Bhazor]

Graham Chapman in the Pirhana brothers sketch saying

"I was just sittin' at home. Threatenin the kids."

Might be my favourite python line ever.

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

Also from Python (I've obscured the racist name even though the jarring out of placed-ness of it is actually what makes the line)


Michael Palin "Oooooh! Mrs N***erbaiter has exploded!"

John Cleese "Yes and a good thing too"

Palin "She was my best friend!"

[Utter Shit]

I will never tire of Nathan helpfully offering the owner of a terrible haunted house amusement part the tagline "where pussies go to relax" in Nathan For You.

[lebowskibukowski]

"Vyvyan. Where did you get that Howitzer?"

[Twed]

"Vyvyan. Where did you get that Howitzer?"

A really, really great Vyvyan line is

"Why won't it go off, Mike?"

when he's trying to set off the bomb. It's so curious, childlike and almost sad. Despite his boyish desires (anarchy, disruption, violence and mayhem) he's very pure, which is what makes him a great character.