MATTER OF FACT SHIT 70'S/80'S COMEDY

[JoeyBananaduck]

The Krankies Chinese restaurant sketch.

Wee Jimmy: Waiter? Och, waiter!

Man Krankie, dressed as a Chinese stereotype: Yes young sir?

Wee Jimmy: This chicken is rubbery!

Man Krankie: Is it? Oh I am sorry, it must have been slightly overcooked. Pardon me, I'll fetch you another one.

END

[DangledTeeth]

Up the Elephant and 'round the Castle

Jim: I am Jim Davidson. I shall present Big Break and The Generation Game in the future. Then I'll bizarrely sing 'Hello' in Colour me Kubrick. Annnnd I'll win a reality show confined to a large abode, and I will become great friends with one of the contestants, who's the son of the deceased bass player in Mungo Jerry.

Character: You really are up the elephant and 'round the castle, Jim. Next, you'll climb the crystal and pass the palace. Ha ha.

Jim: Maybe I perhaps will. I might do that very thing.

Character: Erm... now what?

Jim: I dunno, son. The 'scriptwriter' has only seen a few seconds of one episode, and he's not going to watch an entire episode on YouTube (whatever that is) to become familiar with the tropes or any catchphrases for the sake of posting an accurate parody on an internet comedy forum.

-

Butterflies

Clare Torry: Life is like a butterfly.. Ohhhh-woooh-uh-woaaah-aah-wooooh-raAaAaGH-aaaAaAaAaaAAAgh etc.

Wendy Craig: Oh, life is like a butterfly.

Adam Rodney: Cosmic.

Some Bloke: I am his fictional brother. And my girlfriend has fucked off, or whatever it was the 'scriptwriter' caught a glimpse of after OFAH was repeated yet again from morning or early afternoon until late on GOLD.

Sparrow Trotter focuses on the dining table covered by plates and bowls filled copiously with savouries

Gary Trotter: Great! I can have one of these sausages.

Geoffrey Palmer: Put that back. Look, I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor, and I want my sausages.

The phone rings... Geoffrey Answers

Geoffrey Palmer (On phone): Good lord! Blacky! This is most irregular, but erm... alright, if I do fix this for you, I don't want to hear from you again - is that clear? Very well, listen carefully, Blackadder. I won't repeat this this this this. Put your underpants on your nose and stick two pencils up your arse; they'll think you're crazy and send you home - got to keep the loonies on the path. Right, favour returned.

End Theme: Same as earlier.

[Glebe]

NORKINS: Get the bladdy door!

NAPKINS: Nah, yoo geddit, mate!

AUDIENCE: HAHAHA, what a palaver!

ANNOUNCER: That's Norkins & Napkins, BBC2, 1985.

[Glebe]

STAN: Cwoar, lookit the soize of 'em!

JACK: Ooh my days, y'don't get many of them to the pand!

BOTH: Cwoar-cwoar-cwoar!

[DangledTeeth]

Non-existent Comedy from 1974: In and Out of Trouble

Commencing Theme

Int. House

Donovan: Let's go out for a few ales.

Steve: Righ' you are, Donny.

Donovan: 80p for a pint - not much money in these days. Then again, 80p is valuable in our time, and is the equivalent of £3.60, which'll be the average price in forty years' time, I suspect.

Steve: Eh?!

Ext. Street

A shifty man in his 50s, wearing a trenchcoat and fisherman's hat, lurches along

Steve (Quietly, To Donovan): Look who's across the road - it's the seedy, perverted character. (Calling) Hello 'enry, where are you off to?

Henry: You know me, I'm off for a bird-watching session. Double entendre.

Donovan: Spot one for us, mate.

Henry looks to the left and right before merging into a bush

The chaps continue along the road and spot Valerie Leon walking a Corgi

Clementina: Hello, you lascivious men. I am the sexy bit of skirt with admirable chesticles.

Don: Why, hello there, Clementina.

Steve: Oh, alrigh'. Where are you off to?

Clementina: I'm off home. Perhaps you'd like to accompany me to my abode. Oh, and you can try out my hinged, non-electronic doorbell. Yes, you can grab my knocker and give it a firm bang.

Steve (Mumbled) Which one?

Henry pops out of the bush and lowers a pair of binoculars and does a salacious pout as he gawps

Donovan: We shall obey your desires, Clementina.

Clementina: And then I'll retire to my bedroom where you can watch me play with my... dog. (To Camera) You thought I was going to say 'pussy'. I did, just now! (Calling, towards Henry) You can come as well, Henry.

Swanee Whistle: weeeeEEEYOOOWAHP!

Henry: I almost did. By jingo!

They all walk down the street in harmony

Donovan: Life's a bitch, eh?

Donovan turns to the camera with a suave, audacious smirk

Concluding Theme

[DistressedArea]

Fletcher: Owright, my son.  You've got to learn there's rules in this place.  If you want a share of my snout, I'll need a favour.

Godber:  I killed a hooker. With a brick. Now I'd like some heroin please.

Fletcher: Ok, son, calm down. I owe Old 'arry grout a favour, and you don't want to be owing grouty a favour...

Godber:  So what?

Fletcher:  What if you stabbed him up a bit?

Godber:  He seems old and unthreatening, but it'd be easier to just stab you up a bit.  I'll probably do that.

Fletcher:  I say godber, did you see the vicars daughter...

Godber: What? No? This is a prison.  I have a murderous hatred of women.

Fletcher: She's got a great pair of...

Godber: tits?

Fletcher: No, a massive couple of...

Godber: tits?

Fletcher: No, two fantastic...

Godber: tits?

Fletcher: tits.

Godber: I preferred Sorry.

[Glebe]

HAROLD: You dirty man, buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz!

ALBERT: That's enough of that, Harold, my only son!

[Glebe]

CORBETT: Good moaning, I'd like to buy some blackberries!

BARKER: Very good sir, how many?

CORBETT: Half an ounce.

BARKER: Ooh, I'm sorry sir - *RIDICULOUS PUNCHLINE!*

AUDIENCE: HA'S!

BACKGROUND MUSIC: *dooley-doodley-doo-BOMP!*

[zomgmouse]

Mildred: Geoooooooooooooorge

George: Yes MilDRED

Mildred: Geooooooooooooooorge

George: Fuck off

[Glebe]

CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS: Being in prison in the 1970s is a bit shit, innit?

FLETCH: That it is, Biggins, that it is.

[Glebe]

FLETCH: I wonder if my grandson will end up in prison and have amusing adventures like me?

MR. BARRACLOUGH: That he may, Fletch. That he may.

[Rizla]

BEN ELTON: Is it hard to keep a kitchen clean, especially under the microwave, in Thatcher's britain.

AUDIENCE: THAT PROGRAM WAS IN 1990 DICKHEAD. GET OUT OF THE THREAD AND OUT OF THE COUNTRY

[Glebe]

BEN ELTON: Is it hard to keep a kitchen clean, especially under the microwave, in Thatcher's britain.

AUDIENCE: THAT PROGRAM WAS IN 1990 DICKHEAD. GET OUT OF THE THREAD AND OUT OF THE COUNTRY

SHAKESPEARE: Is it so hard to keep yon kitchen clean, O wife, especially under the kiln, in Elizabeth the First's England?

AUDIENCE: BOO! YE PROGRAMME WAS IN 1490 DICKHEAD. GET THEE TO A NUNNERY, UPSTART CROW!