Film cliches you want to fuck off

[AsparagusTrevor]

Turning on the TV to see a news report that directly relates to the plot of the film

Man in bar sees news report on telly related to the plot of the film. Yells at the barman to turn the telly up. Does not get told to fuck off by the barman

Or the barman's just about to change the channel, or has changed it seconds ago.

"Wait, turn that back on!"
"Fuck off, the football's on."

[mothman]

An overused narrative technique is a cliche.

True, and I thought of that just after I posted. But then it comes down to where you draw the line, surely? Most fiction still goes: act 1, act 2, etc. Does that become cliche too?

[a duncandisorderly]

When the final set-piece action scene spills into a massive factory with big switched-off machines, the hero will know exactly which lever to grab to crush/kill the baddy they are struggling with. Despite having no training with the equipment and never even entering said building before in their life.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Films that start with a climactic moment from later in the story, and then backtrack to show the events leading up to it. Essentially what they're saying to the audience is, "Stick with us if it gets a bit dull, there's an exciting bit coming up later."

Never watch Memento then mate.

[Clownbaby]

I would love to find a recent horror film where I can't literally count the silent beats that lead to the jump scare.

"Pop goes the weasel" or something slowly clinks, doesn't quite finish...

Pause. Silence.

Beat

JUMP SCARE

[Icehaven]

I've actually experienced that. I was driving through Arbroath and saw that McDonalds was swarming with police and there was a TV van there. I tuned into Radio Scotland at exactly the moment the news report ( https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-tayside-central-35558842 ) started, just like in the movies.

And me! A while back at work one morning we were told there was some unusually difficult trouble happening so all non-essential staff had to leave, and as we were waiting to be allowed out we were jokingly (but only half) saying we should ring our families as soon as we got outside as it was probably on the news by now. Got home half an hour later, put the news on and it actually was. 

[Jerzy Bondov]

You fall off some high up shit. You're going to land on the ground and it's going to kill you. But instead you land on a flying cat or a flying car or something. Then you're okay. Even if the flying thing was a couple of feet away from the ground.

[Sebastian Cobb]

'there's a military base (etc) about half a mile from here'
'then what are we waiting for?' <<< 2 for 1: this person will almost always end up being one of the first to die.

A lazy way to set the plot, presumably.

[Clownbaby]

Even worse in long running TV series but

On and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off relationships to create a sense of drama. Let's call them One and The Other.

One wants the other. Other not interested, or doesn't obviously communicate interest, which is disheartening for One. One moves on and dates someone else. Other sees them with person and decides they do want to be with One. Other and One have a series of awkward interactions where they both betray their feelings to each other. Start having sex right there before breaking it off with their current partners. Regret it and argue. Go separate ways. One declares love for Other and they move in together. Other discovers something iffy about One and tension happens. Break up again. Get together again. Break up and neet other people. Meet in future in an unexpected circumstance, hook up one last time, decide to drop it finally.

KEY PHRASES

"I just need some space"

"We need to talk about us"

"It's always been you"

"It's not you, it's me"

"It's not me, it's you"

"It's not what you think"

"I can explain"

Not a film but the Susan and Mike storyline in Desperate Housewives was dire for this.

[zomgmouse]

You'd love the film Modern Romance which toys with this a lot.

[asids]

'there's a military base (etc) about half a mile from here'
'then what are we waiting for?' <<< 2 for 1: this person will almost always end up being one of the first to die.

A lazy way to set the plot, presumably.

A thing I noticed is any film with characters who are military or ex-military, is that they'll always talking about things being "clicks" away. "It's about two clicks south of our position". Like, I get it's a military term and therefore saying it makes them seem more legit but I looked it up and it just means a kilometre. So why can't they say "two kilometres" instead of "two clicks"? Drives me nuts.

[JesusAndYourBush]

I've actually experienced that. I was driving through Arbroath and saw that McDonalds was swarming with police and there was a TV van there. I tuned into Radio Scotland at exactly the moment the news report ( https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-tayside-central-35558842 ) started, just like in the movies.

But did you switch it off again before the report had even reached the end, like they do in the movies?  Like three sentences is enough, they don't need to hear any more.

[thecuriousorange]

A book appears in the shot. The content (or more often, title) of this book alludes to what's going on in the film. GET IT?

I didn't mind it in Evil Dead 2 cos it was an enjoyably goofy gag.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Low-ranking employee/serviceman speaks frankly to high-ranking business/serviceman everyone thinks 'ooh he's not going to like this', business/service frowns looks like he's going to give him a bollocking says something like 'there's not a man alive who would speak to me like that... Tell me more'. Low rank gulps and smiles.

[rectorofstiffkey]

Low-ranking employee/serviceman speaks frankly to high-ranking business/serviceman everyone thinks 'ooh he's not going to like this', business/service frowns looks like he's going to give him a bollocking says something like 'there's not a man alive who would speak to me like that... Tell me more'. Low rank gulps and smiles.

Or an alternative version of that, in police dramas; the lowest-ranking and youngest officer hesitantly puts their hand up and says "It's almost certainly nothing, but...." and then mentions the tiny clue that you then JUST KNOW will be the key to solving the murder.  (That's mostly in TV rather than films but hope it's still allowed). 

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

One wants the other. Other not interested, or doesn't obviously communicate interest, which is disheartening for One. One moves on and dates someone else. Other sees them with person and decides they do want to be with One. Other and One have a series of awkward interactions where they both betray their feelings to each other. Start having sex right there before breaking it off with their current partners. Regret it and argue. Go separate ways. One declares love for Other and they move in together. Other discovers something iffy about One and tension happens. Break up again. Get together again. Break up and neet other people. Meet in future in an unexpected circumstance, hook up one last time, decide to drop it finally.

Give or take a few beats, that's basically the plot of Annie Hall. However, to be fair to Woody Allen - not a phrase you hear often these days - it wasn't a cliche when he came up with it (romantic comedies had always followed that narrative to a degree, but Allen basically invented with the modern rom-com as we know it).

That's the nature of film/TV cliches, of course: someone comes up with a winning template, then everyone else rips the fuck out of it forever.

[St_Eddie]

...That's mostly in TV rather than films but hope it's still allowed.

You've always been a loose cannon, but this time you've stepped over the line, rectorofstiffkey!  It's time to turn in your CaB badge!

[rectorofstiffkey]

You've always been a loose cannon, but this time you've stepped over the line, rectorofstiffkey!  It's time to turn in your CaB badge!

I knew I'd gone too far this time. :-(

[mothman]

"I need your badge and your gun..." Like the lack of a badge is going to stop them Doing What's Right, or they don't have plenty of other guns at home.

[holyzombiejesus]

There used to be a website called something like 'theangrypolicechief.com' and when you pressed a button, it would say something like 'the angry police chief wants your badge and your gun' or 'the angry police chief is giving you 24 hours' or 'the angry police chief asks why, just for once, you can't play it by the book?' Can't find it now though.

[Clownbaby]

Give or take a few beats, that's basically the plot of Annie Hall. However, to be fair to Woody Allen - not a phrase you hear often these days - it wasn't a cliche when he came up with it (romantic comedies had always followed that narrative to a degree, but Allen basically invented with the modern rom-com as we know it).

That's the nature of film/TV cliches, of course: someone comes up with a winning template, then everyone else rips the fuck out of it forever.

It's even worse when a film/show seems to be parodying this cliché, because it still has the same outcome where you're still watching a frustrating on and off relationship stretched to its limits, regardless of what the intention is.

[St_Eddie]

There used to be a website called something like 'theangrypolicechief.com' and when you pressed a button, it would say something like 'the angry police chief wants your badge and your gun' or 'the angry police chief is giving you 24 hours' or 'the angry police chief asks why, just for once, you can't play it by the book?' Can't find it now though.

It propably vanished from the Interwebs around the same time as the frog in a blender and Geocities.

[Blumf]

There used to be a website called something like 'theangrypolicechief.com' and when you pressed a button, it would say something like 'the angry police chief wants your badge and your gun' or 'the angry police chief is giving you 24 hours' or 'the angry police chief asks why, just for once, you can't play it by the book?' Can't find it now though.

http://theangrypolicecaptain.com/

He wants to know if you're interrogating that guy or proposing to him.

[holyzombiejesus]

http://theangrypolicecaptain.com/

He wants to know if you're interrogating that guy or proposing to him.

Heh! Thanks!

[Ferris]

http://theangrypolicecaptain.com/

He wants to know if you're interrogating that guy or proposing to him.

Massively enjoying this

[a duncandisorderly]

THE ANGRY POLICE CAPTAIN WANTS THAT PAPERWORK DONE YESTERDAY.

brilliant.

[mrpupkin]

Looking for something important in a cabinet using the trusty method of just flinging shit everywhere.

[holyzombiejesus]

The hero and his sidekick/ heroine finally infiltrate that bad man's HQ and have a conversation where they explain his evil plan to each other. But wait! Suddenly the sound of a slow clap resonates round the room and the bad man steps out from the shadows, sarcastically applauding. The good people try and make a break for it but bad cunt has guards on hand. "Seize him!" he cries. "And KILL HER." Or, the heroine might spit on his face and bad man will say "I shall enjoy watching you die" or "Such a nice place, England. Such a shame."

[St_Eddie]

Thunder and lightning during a scary bit in a horror film.  Doubly so, if the sound of the thunder politely waits for an evil character to say something villainous.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Victim needs to escape a madman's lair, and has the keys. Only problem is there are 28 different ones to try, and the madman is fast approaching.