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MATTER OF FACT GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART.

Started by Glebe, October 12, 2017, 07:02:02 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

YVONNE: By 'eck, me flamin' minge is well bangin', ah tell thee!

GARY: Tell me about it!

Closing theme!

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

RODDERS,  BUT NOT REALLY RODDERS: Right,  I'm off back to the past, me.

RBNRR gets into wardrobe. Slight pause.

The wardrobe door opens, and we see RBNRR 's size 11 - clad foot kicking SPIDER-MAN  out.

RBNRR: Gertcha !

Replies From View

*Sparrow enters The Gasp Jaunt (pub in 1940s)*

Wench:  AAARGH AINT GET YOU ANOTHER PINT GARRRY SPARRRRRAH!!!

Posh Rodney:  Aw Phoebe!!!!  I just came all the way from a secret mission to bring you rare things like chewing gums and knickers.

Wench:  Aw give me some ah those knickers Garry Sparrah.  Aw less go down ta the Holborn Station again, eh?  You remember that?  When you gave me all chocolate and bananas and other things we struggle to get during the war.

Posh Rodney:  With Use By Dates from the 1990s!!!

*Wench looks at him suspiciously, holding a razor blade*

Posh Rodney:  Oops!!

*It all goes back to normal*

Posh Rodney:  That was a close "shave" wasn't it readers.


Later, in the 1990s:

Yvonne:  GARREST SPARRON WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.
Gary:  I HAVE BEEN WITH RON GETTING YOU A SPECIAL GIFT WHICH YOU HAVE NOW RUINED THE SURPRISE OF.
Yvonne:  AH FUCKS.

*Sparrow winks at camera*


Garry Sparrow:  Catch you all next week, viewers!!!

*THEME TUNE*

JoeyBananaduck

My Gran: Ooh love, it's 8.30! Pass the remote will you? Goodnight Sweetheart's starting.

Child me: Oh right, here you go Gran.

[45 seconds of silent reverence]

My Gran: Anyway what were you telling me about your mate at school? And have you learned any new magic tricks this week?

Child me: Are you sure you want me to tell you now, Gran? Won't I be talking your show off?

My Gran: Oh no love, it's not that good. I'm not that fussed about it. I just like the theme tune. I'll listen to it at the end.


Glebe

GARY: We're back for a one-off special!

CAPTAIN PEACOCK: So are we, Rodney, yet we shall not get a full series! Marleeeene?! I'm freeee!!

Glebe

Quote from: JoeyBananaduck on October 13, 2017, 08:49:20 AMMy Gran: Oh no love, it's not that good. I'm not that fussed about it. I just like the theme tune. I'll listen to it at the end.

For some reason this is inordinately funny to me and I'm laughing every time I reread it.

Gregory Torso

Gadney Spatter falls through a hole into hell.

GARDNEY: Cor blimey, it's the war years. Oy, cunts in the pub, listen to me tickle the old joanna.

THE WOMAN ONE: What's this tune it's luvverruvverly, so it be.

GARDNEY: it's called Gwad Bless Ookey Street and it goes a little something like this...

*the universe collapses in on itself due to a rip in the fabric of reality caused by the pandimensional polygamist attempting to get his end wet in consecutive timelines*

Glebe

WAS HE IN BREAD?: Was I in Carla Lanes' Bread, Rodney?

LYNDHURST: I dunno, 'my friend character', but I must be off for I am gunna slip up Ducket's passage, so to speak.

Gregory Torso

GARROW: Al!  I'm in "war" era England. Why am I in "war" era England?

DEAN STOCKWELL: Ziggy says you have to stop Nicolas Lyndhurst from doing those weird WH Smiths adverts where his face goes on all the family at Christmas and at the end there's a Lyndhurst hound comes loping through the door and it brings about the end of the world. 

GARY: How am I supposed to do that? 

AL: Beats the grease outta me! I'm off for a slap up feed and then a space-wank.

GARY: oh boy!

(Doctor Gary Sparrow never returned home)

Sebastian Cobb

GARROW: Perhaps I should just try and meet up with a present-day woman who isn't a gobshite?

Glebe

UNCLE ALBERT: Wodney, cam 'ome, san! We miss you!

YVONNE: By 'eck, 'oo the fook is this old codger?!

SPARROWS: I DO NOT KNOW THIS MAN. I HAVE NEVER MET UNCLE ALBERT GLADSTONES TROTTERS BEFORE.

UNCLE ALBERT: Oil make y'sam breakfast, san!

YNOVVE: NO! Rodney come home!

Glebe

GARY'S FRIEND: Gary, there's an immigrant in Duckett's Passage.

IMMIGRANT: GARY! GARY!

DangledTeeth

Gary Sparrow: I'm going to walk down this street.

Ext. 1940s street

Gary Sparrow: Fuck me! The entire street has a 40s theme.

Reg the Policeman: Dan't be silly, squire. It is the nineteen faw'ees!

Second Phoebe: Fancy a bit of heave-ho with me?

Gary Sparrow: No... this has to be some sort of joke.

Second Phoebe: Women like sex too you know, Gary.*

Phoebe leads Gary by the arm to the back of the pub

Gary Sparrow: Oh, do you?!*


*Men Behaving Badly references.

--


Sweetheart in Peckham

Rodderneys: Was he anything like me?

Del Boy: Gazbo the Sparrah was a Baton Rouge tea cosy; a fireman's wank flannel; an impossible snooker cue; a redundant finch; a shimmering dandy; a half-time beekeeper; and a colossal cunt! So no, Rodney, you're nothing like him.

Music: GoOoOOohwdniIIIiiIiGhT SwEeEEeHeEaAAaaart, all my prrrayers are for DAYVIT BOHWAY ELPEYZ etc.

Me: I can't escape MOF OFAH, can I?


Glebe

SPIDER-MAN: I'm not in this, am I?

GARY: That you aren't, Spider-Man, that you aren't.

DangledTeeth

Gary: Ah, shhhhit! I'm trapped in the 1940s! I'd better write a message on the wall for the future and cover it over.







Glebe

YVONNE: Eeee bah gum, but it's grim oop north!

GARY: I'd say it is, Yvonne.

YVONNE: I say, y've gotta have a bit of gumption t'survive up there, I say, Y'VE GOTTA HAVE A BIT OF GUMPTION T'SURVIVE UP THERE!

GARY: Gary hears you, O wife.

YVOONE: Eeee, y'soft southern shite! Y'don't know pork from gumption!

GARY: Right.

WAS HE IN BREAD?: Gary, Gary, come quick. Dervla Kirwan is pregnant back in the 1940s.

THE END!

Glebe

GARY: There was one on today where I encountered Jack the Ripper.

GOLD ANNOUNCER: Only on GOLD!

Glebe

YVONNE: Rodney, I am suspious you may be traveling back in time through ducket's gate.

GARY!: The fuck do you know?

GARY'S FRIEND: Bumble, bumble, I'm such a fool!

THE END!

Glebe

INT.THE SPARROW BEDROOM.MORN.

GARY'S FRIEND: Look Yvonne, I've brought you breakfast in bed... or should I say 'breakfast in Bread'? Chuckle!

YVNONNE: We're still not certain you were in Carla Lane's Bread, actually, 'Gary's friend'.

GARY: Now if you'll excuse us, 'Gary's friend', I'm just going to take Yvonne up Duckett's Passage.

AUDIENCE: AHAHAHAHA!!!

Closing theme!

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

GARY'S FRIEND: I *was* in " Bread", y'know. I was all over telly in the late 80s and early 90s. I was Sean Hughes's mate in " Sean's Show", too. Hey, I'll tell you what, he really liked his Indie Band t-shirts, did Sean. In fact, I think he might have had a bit of a problem with them. I remember when he was really pissed...

MICHAEL HANN AND RHODA CAMERON : Oi! That's our area! Get off out turf, bro !

GARY'S FRIEND: 'Ang on a minute, you didn't let me finish. I was going to say that he was really pissed when The Wedding Present split up for a while and yer man Gedge did his Cinerama group, because he thought they weren't as good. I was merely deploying the American English vernacular - type use of " pissed".

MY and RC: Ah, we see. Fair play to yer.

RHONA CAMERON: Hey, Ringo, you weren't * my* friend in my own failed sit-com, we're you?

GARY'S FRIEND: No, Missus that was either Mel or Sue.

RHODA CAMERON: Oh yeah, Mel or Sue was a great friend of mine. She stank of cooking sherry, mind you.

RODDERS SPARROW: What the *fuck* has this got to do with me going back in time ?


Glebe

SPARRAH: I was told, "If you laugh when the chandelier falls, you'll get sacked."

YVONNE: Eh?!