MATTER OF FACT BACK

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

CORRIGAN WITH BEARD: That Slaphead Jez is a wrong ' un, I know he is ( CWB takes slug from a big bottle of red wine labelled " CWB 's Character's Development" ).

HER OFF THE THICK OF IT: Yes, I believe you, and want to help you. Fancy a a shag for old time's sake ?

CWB: No, I'm too busy being preoccupied with finding out about Slaphead Jez, and living in a caravan.Right I'm going to have some fucking whisky now.

HOTTOI ( Looking at that line from gratuitously sweary script ): Any need for " fucking" ?

CWB : I've told you, I'm not in the mood for a shag.

NOT JULIA DEAKIN, AND NOT REALLY MARK'S MUM: That's not what she meant, you daft cunt!

SLAPHEAD JEZ (STANDING ON BOX) : Don't worry, CWB, I'm actually not a wrong 'un.

CWB : What, really ?

SJ: Yes. After all....WOULD I LIE TO YOU ?

Everyone: Ha Ha Ha !!

Lee Mack: More like " keep it shite "*, eh, Readers? (* instead of " keep it light " )

[Fambo Number Mive]

CORRIGATED CHARACTER: Why don't I get the bar staff to "fall" through the bar every so often, like on Only Fools and Horses.

JEZ 2.0: Mmm. I think it might be better to bring in a new range of organic bar snacks and get rid of the 8 foot scarecrow that lights up when you go near him.

CORRIGATED: A scarecrow is tradition.

MOTHER EASILY DUPED: No it isn't, you cunt.

SISTER EASILY DUPED: Andrew, I love you. Take me now behind the fruit machines!

CORRIGATED: I hear that! At least wear a condom and don't get any...on the floor.

JEZ 2.0: It's ok, Corrigated, I'll do it in your little caravan.

CORRIGATED: Don't forget it's only a caravan! Where's the dog that pisses everywhere?

MOTHER EASILY DUPED: Gone to be a metaphor for Brexit.