MATTER OF FACT 'MATTER OF FACT MATTER OF FACT THREAD' THREAD

[Ominous Dave]

INTERROGATIVE TREVOR: There are too many of these now, aren't there?   

GRACELESS STAN: Yeah, they need to cunt the fuck off. 

PONDEROUS GWEN: But are they worse than the '[character trait] [name]' ones? 

IMPRECISE DENZIL: Dunno: my opinions are vague and unfocused, as you might expect from my formulaic moniker. 

SQUEAMISH LOUISE: I feel a bit ill, I think I'm going to be... [runs off with hand over mouth]

INTERRUPTIBLE GREG: Well my balanced view of the matter is tha...

LEGEND GARY: For what it's worth, I'd just like to say that I work my hardest every day in my dull middle-management job to give the best possible life-chances to my two young children who I love unconditionally, oblivious to the way others may mock the laddish persona I adopt when amongst my friends in order to fit in and forget the everyday grind of my difficult but ultimately rewarding and valuable life. I understand that often my behaviour comes across as boorish and uncouth, but this is born of my underlying insecurity deriving from traumatic events in my childhood, which outside observers have no knowledge of and have no right to judge me for. My family are my life and give me constant joy, and I can't see how anyone could want anything more; my sometimes over-enthusiastic enjoyment of pastimes such as football and drinking is a way of relieving some of the stress I feel from having to be a provider to a young family in the hostile and exploitative economic enviroment we're all suffering from. I'm truly sorry for anyone I have hurt, but like all of us I'm just struggling every day to be the best person I can be - often failing, admittedly, but still struggling.  I don't see what more I can do for myself and the ones I so dearly love. 

SQUEAMISH LOUISE: [vomits loudly]

CONCILIATORY JAKE: Well I think we've all learned something, haven't we? 

RAPIDLY-WRAPPING-IT-UP RANDY: Therefore I call this AA meeting to a close! 

INTERRUPTIBLE GREG: Hang on, when did this scene turn into an AA meeti...

RAPIDLY-WRAPPING-IT-UP RANDY: Goodnight, everyone! 

ALL: Goodnight, Randy!

[They all share a group hug and leave.] 


EPILOGUE:

[Next morning, Mental Tim staggers red-eyed towards a densely-populated area, desperately hoping the voices won't force him to use the gun.]

[Chairman Bodog]

THE CORPSE OF SEAN HUGHES: Bonnet de douche!