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March 28, 2024, 06:47:45 PM

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The worst book I've ever read

Started by holyzombiejesus, October 28, 2017, 01:16:27 AM

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Serge

That has reminded me that the last two books in Chester Himes' Harlem Cycle are practically unreadable - in fact, I gave up on 'Plan B', the final book. Despite the fact that the first seven in the series do a fantastic job of showing the hardships of life for black people in New York in the '50s and '60s, whilst also still working as genre fiction, it feels like Himes felt mildly embarrassed that he was known for writing hard-boiled crime fiction and decided to go all literary. 'Blind Man With A Pistol' is literally written to make no sense - in fact it even ends with the protagonists of the series swapping the lines, "It doesn't make no sense." "Perhaps it's not supposed to." (That might not be 100% accurate, as I don't have the books to hand, but that's the gist of it.) Read the first seven but sack off the last two.

mothman

Fuck. I'm actually all over the place on the titles.

It's the Confederation Universe that includes the Night's Dawn Trilogy (the last of which is The Naked God - see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Night%27s_Dawn_Trilogy).

The later, larger series he's written in the Commonwealth Universe, incorporating the Commonwealth Saga (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commonwealth_Saga), the Void Trilogy (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Void_Trilogy) and the Fallers duology (is that a word? Anyway - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Chronicle_of_the_Fallers).

And The Worst Book Of All Time is called Misspent Youth (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misspent_Youth). Don't read it. The prospect of eternal oblivion is a worthy trade if it means I can forget this book's existence.

zomgmouse

How many of these are actually bad books and how many are purported classics that people don't appreciate? There's a world of difference, surely.

Jockice

#63
I'm not naming him but a friend of mine self-published a book about a cycling trip in Europe he went on in his 20s. And he gave me and several other acquaintances a copy for Christmas. Think Mr Pither. But without the jokes.

In a similar way, in the wake of Fever Pitch, a Newcastle United fan tried to do his own version but without the personal stuff. So it was basically just a list of all the matches he'd attended, how he'd got there and back and what the score was. I once (through work circumstances) ended waiting for over an hour in a room with no television and nothing else to read but that. I love football but god it was tedious.

Keebleman

What's happening with this thread?  It says there's a new post but when I click the 'New' button there's nothing added since yesterday.  And then back on the Shelf Abuse page the 'New' button is still there.

John le Carre thread, for example, isn't doing this.

Keebleman

And now that I've posted something, it's stopped happening, for me at any rate. 

Repeater

Aw I liked Ishmael, why didn't you? For me... probably fuckin'. Dunno man. Canny mind.

MikeShaft

Either The Suspicions of Mr Whicher - poorly written, chronologically confusing and totally lacking in any true insight whatsoever. Although I did learn about the etymology of the word "clue"
or a book which was so bad, I can't even remember the name of it. It was something like "The Strangeness of Dr A". I for the life of me can't seem to find it on Google, nor remember the author's name. Anyway, the long tall and short of it was it started quite interestingly, then went terrifyingly new age and then finally ended with the two main characters alone on the earth, the only humans left alive. We didn't know one of their names. We knew the other one, which was Adam, and then the final words are her introducing herself to him. You'll never guess what her name was?
The most amazing thing was it was written by a former creative writing teacher. I'm pretty sure every creative writing teacher in the world tells you on day one "Don't end your book with two characters turning to each other and finding out they're actually Adam and Eve".
It was so poor, as soon as I got off the train on which I'd been reading it, I put it in the first bin I saw.



Serge

The actual worst book I've ever read, in the sense of being completely inept and lacking any kind of sense of its own badness, is Last Shop Standing by Graham Jones. Jones runs Proper Distribution, and decided to write a book about the demise of the record shop, which, at the time the book was written nearly a decade ago, was an interesting tale to tell. Unfortunately, Jones doesn't tell it.

Although I've got nothing to back this up, I have an idea that the book originally started as an autobiography about his adventures as a record distributor, but that he ran out of stories after writing about 80 pages. So the rest of the book sees him venturing out and talking to the people who run the record shops that were in decline. As I say, this could have made a great book - and when the book was turned into a movie, it worked far better, largely because it's told by other people, with the only clunky bits being Jones' own appearances as a talking head.

He self-published and self-distributed the book. His editor - I'm not making this up - was his 16 year old son, who had just got a GCSE in English. The writing is sub-Partridge without the jokes, and he actually uses the phrase 'needless to say...' repeatedly, at one point racking up three uses in a single paragraph. Because he didn't do anything rash like run it by lawyers or anybody who might have told him it was a bad idea to accuse a former client of stealing stock, the first printing had to be recalled and pulped, as he libelled a record shop owner in Liverpool.

When he'd sold out of the next print run, he decided to jump on the Record Store Day bandwagon and reprint it as a special 'RSD Edition', which involved having that tagline printed on the cover, and my former boss at RT writing a foreword. My former boss wrote the foreword, and then ran it past his then girlfriend, who worked as an editor at a well-known British newspaper, before handing it over to Graham, who then rewrote it so completely that it bore almost literally no resemblance to what he'd originally written, because he didn't like the style it was written in (i.e. it was far better than the rest of the book.)

He did an appearance at RT to promote the book, and I had to introduce him to the crowd of ten people who turned up to see him. As I finished my intro, I realised that he had disappeared, so I turned around, only to see him emerging from behind a wall in the shop, his arms aloft as if he was walking onto the stage at Wembley Stadium. As he was wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt, I assumed this wasn't done ironically.

It's annoying, as there was a decent book to be written on the subject, but his making this book 'THE BOOK' on the subject meant that anyone who was likely to write it probably lost interest. There is potentially another book to be written on the more recent rise of the record shop, but let's just hope that Jones doesn't decide to write the bugger.


Jockice

Quote from: Serge on November 17, 2017, 08:47:08 PM
The actual worst book I've ever read, in the sense of being completely inept and lacking any kind of sense of its own badness, is Last Shop Standing by Graham Jones. Jones runs Proper Distribution, and decided to write a book about the demise of the record shop, which, at the time the book was written nearly a decade ago, was an interesting tale to tell. Unfortunately, Jones doesn't tell it.

Although I've got nothing to back this up, I have an idea that the book originally started as an autobiography about his adventures as a record distributor, but that he ran out of stories after writing about 80 pages. So the rest of the book sees him venturing out and talking to the people who run the record shops that were in decline. As I say, this could have made a great book - and when the book was turned into a movie, it worked far better, largely because it's told by other people, with the only clunky bits being Jones' own appearances as a talking head.

He self-published and self-distributed the book. His editor - I'm not making this up - was his 16 year old son, who had just got a GCSE in English. The writing is sub-Partridge without the jokes, and he actually uses the phrase 'needless to say...' repeatedly, at one point racking up three uses in a single paragraph. Because he didn't do anything rash like run it by lawyers or anybody who might have told him it was a bad idea to accuse a former client of stealing stock, the first printing had to be recalled and pulped, as he libelled a record shop owner in Liverpool.

When he'd sold out of the next print run, he decided to jump on the Record Store Day bandwagon and reprint it as a special 'RSD Edition', which involved having that tagline printed on the cover, and my former boss at RT writing a foreword. My former boss wrote the foreword, and then ran it past his then girlfriend, who worked as an editor at a well-known British newspaper, before handing it over to Graham, who then rewrote it so completely that it bore almost literally no resemblance to what he'd originally written, because he didn't like the style it was written in (i.e. it was far better than the rest of the book.)

He did an appearance at RT to promote the book, and I had to introduce him to the crowd of ten people who turned up to see him. As I finished my intro, I realised that he had disappeared, so I turned around, only to see him emerging from behind a wall in the shop, his arms aloft as if he was walking onto the stage at Wembley Stadium. As he was wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt, I assumed this wasn't done ironically.

It's annoying, as there was a decent book to be written on the subject, but his making this book 'THE BOOK' on the subject meant that anyone who was likely to write it probably lost interest. There is potentially another book to be written on the more recent rise of the record shop, but let's just hope that Jones doesn't decide to write the bugger.

i had a few hours dossing on the couch yesterday and decided to look through stuff from the TV that I've recorded but never watched. Turned out one of them is Last Shop Standing. I haven't read the book but is the film worth seeing?

I ended up watching that documentary about Ginger Baker. Crazy hair, crazy guy.

Serge

The film is alright, but do watch out for the moments when Jones is just spouting crap. My beard makes a cameo appearance in it.

Jockice

Quote from: Serge on November 19, 2017, 10:27:31 AM
The film is alright, but do watch out for the moments when Jones is just spouting crap. My beard makes a cameo appearance in it.

i look forward to seeing those whiskers.

Jockice

Quote from: Serge on November 19, 2017, 10:27:31 AM
The film is alright, but do watch out for the moments when Jones is just spouting crap. My beard makes a cameo appearance in it.

I watched it last night. There were several beards in it though, so you'll have to be more specific. Good to see Barry from Record Collector in Sheffield on it though. He's a bit of a legend round here.

Serge

Oh, I couldn't tell you exactly when it appears, it's a while since I watched it. I know it was some random bits filmed on Record Store Day one year, so in the middle of that section somewhere! It is literally my beard and belly that appear, rather than my actual face.

Phil_A

Back when I used to collect Dr Who novels there was one that particularly provoked my ire. It was called Escape Velocity, and as well as being the worst book ever published in the BBC Books 8th Doctor range(and there was some stiff competition), it was also the conclusion to a long-running story arc and introduced a new recurring character, which unfortunately meant it was required reading if you were as invested in this nonsense as I was at the time.

The entire book was boring, cliched rubbish from beginning to end, but a couple of bits stood out as being particularly egregious.

Behold the touching death scene of "Dave", a character whose demise informs the future storylines of X number of books.

"Dave's eyes flickered open for one last time and he saw the rockets on the base of the Planet Hopper fire into life. What a view! he thought, and then died as the flames from the engines reached the bus which then exploded."

This isn't supposed to be funny in case you were wondering, it's intended to tragic and moving. Needless to there were tears in my eyes when I read that bit, but not from sadness. But really, imagine actually writing that, putting the actual words together to form that paragraph and then sitting back and thinking "Yep, nailed it."

The other thing that sticks in my mind was the way the book introduces a complicated plot point involving alien consciousnesses being transferred into human bodies. Instead of explaining this is what is happening in the text, the author has a supporting character go "oh yeah, this is just like what happened on Babylon 5," and that's all the explanation that's given! Don't know your B5? TOUGH SHIT, MATE. Unbelievably sloppy writing which I can't believe got through the editing process. I'm not even convinced there was an editing process.

There was something else about it that pissed me off I actually threw the book at the wall, something I would never normally do, but in this case I made an exception. It was just so bad.

Jockice

Quote from: Serge on November 20, 2017, 09:45:39 PM
Oh, I couldn't tell you exactly when it appears, it's a while since I watched it. I know it was some random bits filmed on Record Store Day one year, so in the middle of that section somewhere! It is literally my beard and belly that appear, rather than my actual face.

My back once appeared on Look North you know.

Serge

There's probably a thread in this. The back of my head once appeared in The Mark Thomas Product.

Jockice

Quote from: Serge on November 22, 2017, 10:59:14 AM
There's probably a thread in this. The back of my head once appeared in The Mark Thomas Product.

it's all yours if you want to start it. I don't want to claim all the glory. My left arm's been on Look North too, but on a different episode.

checkoutgirl

I'm not sure what the worst book I've ever read is but the most annoying, frustrating and bewildering has to be Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist. As I read someone say it's basically The Secret but written from the perspective of a man on a journey to somewhere I can't be bothered remembering. What I do remember is the sentiment that if you believe something absolutely and totally in your heart then the universe will conspire to give you your desire. On every page this idea is repeated over and over again. I wouldn't have finished the book but I was stuck in the back seat on a 3 hour car journey and there was nothing else to do. So I grimly plodded along, hoping something interesting or of note would happen. By the halfway stage I largely gave up hope but there was still a small glimmer that some skateboarding ninjas or an interesting character study would just materialise towards the end. Nothing materialised.

People give out about The Davinci Code but at least that has people running around pointing at things and silly plot twists. That type of stuff can be fun. But self help books that bang on about self actuation and just wishing for shit are far worse. In fact I'd go so far as to say every book mentioned on this thread probably isn't even in the worst written thousand books ever. Shelves are packed with nonsense about wishing something into existence.

Here's a hatchet job of it by someone.

QuoteDo you remember the title of J.K. Rowling's first book as it was published in the U.K., Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone? Do you also remember that magic isn't real? Ok, good. Just checking. Because the Philosopher's Stone is a real thing in The Alchemist, as is the ability to transform lead into gold, as is the ability of people to communicate with each other and with the elements through The Universal Language of the World. Oh, I forgot to add that all of the knowledge of the world is inscribed on the Emerald Tablet. Yeah.

I wish I were exaggerating, but this book is nothing but trite aphorisms from beginning to end. The basic premise is that a young boy from Andalusia, Spain isn't fulfilling his destiny by being a humble shepherd of sheep. Thankfully, a king wearing a gold breastplate intervenes and tells him to believe a recent dream he's had about finding treasure at the Pyramids in Egypt. Boy decides to sell his sheep and travel to Tangier, where someone steals all his money but then he earns it back because he has a knack for selling crystal! Then he falls instantly in love with a "woman of the desert" after traveling via camel to an oasis in the middle of the desert! Then he meets the famous alchemist who refuses to teach him how to change lead into gold, but it's ok because he insists that the boy listen to his heart! HE DOES AND THEN HIS HEART LEADS HIM TO THE TREASURE!!! It is written! It is a miracle!

It's narcissistic, delusional, simplistic, and self-affirming, which explains why it's sold 65 million copies. Let me pull a few choice examples:

The boy was beginning to understand that intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it's all written there. (p. 77)

It's Slumdog Millionaire all over again! Just as the universe conspired to make Jamal win one million rupees on a game show, so did the universe ensure that the shepherd boy from Andalusia would find a treasure chest filled with gold coins.

We are afraid of losing what we have, whether it's our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand. (p. 80)

Everything happens for a reason. We must not question tragedy because it is written into the history of the world. Poor people are poor because it is their destiny. Rich men become rich because they had the wisdom to listen to the omens and claim the treasure that was destined to be theirs. Of COURSE! How could you possibly misinterpret something so simple?

'I had to test your courage, the stranger said. 'Courage is the quality most essential to understanding the Language of the World.' The boy was surprised. The stranger was speaking of things that very few people knew about.' (p. 117)

This book works for the same reason that horoscopes work, a little something known as the Forer, or, colloquially, the Barnum Effect after the Ringling Bros. circus. Basically, if you make something vague and profound enough, everyone will see themselves reflected in it. Give it a try. Read a horoscope that doesn't belong to your star sign and see if it still applies to your life (hint: it will!). An article from Psychology Today explains why the Barnum Effect is so seductive:

The second reason people fall for the Barnum effect applies more to predictions about the future, the ones we find in fortune cookies and horoscopes. These provide a comforting, if not always reassuring, sense of control over the unknown. In our constant struggle to see into the unknown, these vapid pronouncements give us a handle with which we can open the door.  No matter that it's not going to be a very clear view, nor that if we were keeping records, we'd realize that these prognostications were completely off-base. (emphasis added)

Celebrities love The Alchemist because it justifies their fame. They were destined to be wealthy and admired — the very stars in the sky prove this. Everyone else loves The Alchemist because it's endlessly forgiving. It's hard work listening to The Universal Language/your intuition/God/wise old men with gold breastplates, but as long as you try to follow your destiny, that's all that can be expected of you. Something go wrong? It's just a bump in the path to your true realization.

All of this new-age nonsense aside, let's take one last moment to consider how sexist this book is. You remember how I said the shepherd boy fell instantly in love with a woman of the desert that he met at an oasis? Well, she's a strong woman of the desert, so she doesn't mind waiting while he goes off to pursue his destiny. Women of the desert are strong and are capable of waiting faithfully for their men to return.

'You'll remember that she never asked you to stay, because a woman of the desert knows that she must await her man.' (p. 126)

'I'm a desert woman, and I'm proud of that. I want my husband to wander as free as the wind that shapes the dunes. And, if I have to, I will accept that he has become a part of the clouds, and the animals and the water of the desert.' (p. 103)

"I also have Fatima. She is a treasure greater than anything else I have won." (p. 121)

Oh, right. Thanks for reminding us, Paulo Coehlo, that women are possessions just like treasure, horses, or houses. They are prizes to be won by men brave enough to pursue their destinies. Remember: in Coelho's world, it's only the men who have destinies. Women just wait around, hoping to be picked up like so many gold coins.

I'll tell you what, though. This book was good for many solid laughs. I read sections out loud to Greg, and each time, he'd ask: "Is this a joke?" Sadly, most people don't seem to realize that's exactly what this book is. It also means that I won't make the mistake of reading another book by Coehlo, ever again.

I've never been so annoyed by the writings of another human being. Paulo Coelho, what a fucking prick.


lebowskibukowski

Certainly not the worst but I have no real love for Cormac McCarthy's 'The Road'. For such a feted book the story just feels so repetitive, lacking in any decent ideas and just lazy. Man walks. Man sees nasty people. Man hides. Man eats leftover food. Man walks. Man sees nasty people. Man hides. I'm probably showing my ignorance and this cyclical sparse narrative is meant to be the whole point but it was just 'MEH', and I normally quite like his work as a rule.
Actually, Zodiac Mindwarp's 'Get Your Cock Out' might be the worst written book I have ever read, but actually quite enjoyed it despite myself. Swings N Roundabouts, innit?

QDRPHNC

Quote from: checkoutgirl on November 22, 2017, 12:18:00 PM
I'm not sure what the worst book I've ever read is but the most annoying, frustrating and bewildering has to be Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist.

Sounds like The Celestine Prophecy, an absolutely terrible "novel" that exists only for the purpose of expressing the author's trite philosophy.

George White

Margo - Queen of Country and Irish - the Promise and the Dream by Margaret O'Donnell, a Les Macqueen-ish autobiography by Daniel O'Donnell's older sister, a staple of showband dance halls, Sing Country, the lower echelons of satellite music TV and dreadful Irish telly loved by mammies and aunts for decades, before her brother stole her thunder. Not actually the Queen or the First Lady (her rivals/partners Philomena Begley and Susan McCann vie for those roles), once hugely successful, but buggered financially when her manager sold her rights to a mysterious man whom she never met named Billy McBurney of Outlet Records in 1977, from a carboot in a Belfast bombsite, how people would tell how rich she must be and she'd just smile, and devolves into a list of all the country stars she's met, from Marty Stuart and Connie Smith (who is basically one of those identikit female country stars who are basically Margo but actually American) to her "good friend" Dolly Parton, whom she's duetted with, but their photo together looks like a fan at a convention bar nervously posing alongside her idol.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: QDRPHNC on November 22, 2017, 02:19:32 PM
Sounds like The Celestine Prophecy, an absolutely terrible "novel" that exists only for the purpose of expressing the author's trite philosophy.

That's the thing. A great writer has to be at least an average to decent philosopher or be able to mimic such. If the author is tackling serious, human condition type stuff but has the outlook and depth of a 12 year old boy then his novel is going to be empty and you will notice it very quickly. Unless you're a simpleton looking for confirmation bias.

QDRPHNC

Quote from: checkoutgirl on November 22, 2017, 10:19:12 PM
That's the thing. A great writer has to be at least an average to decent philosopher or be able to mimic such. If the author is tackling serious, human condition type stuff but has the outlook and depth of a 12 year old boy then his novel is going to be empty and you will notice it very quickly. Unless you're a simpleton looking for confirmation bias.

I'm sure smarter people than me have observed and expressed this much more eloquently than I'm about to, but I think any type of ideologue can never be a great artist. Art can have an underlying philosophy, but it can't be overtly driven by beliefs, as all beliefs are inherently facile (to one degree or another).

Well it can be overtly driven by beliefs, but it'll be shit.