Desolation Quest Round 1 Absorb The vs Masterofreality.

[Absorb the anus burn]

A long time ago, there lived a woodcutter on the outskirts of Nuneaton called Colin. He was good at his job, but occasionally a right clumsy cunt. Everyday, he set out to the municipal parks of Nuneaton to cut down diseased trees; then he would pack the wood into a truck which would be driven to a landfill site outside Dudley. Colin didn't really earn enough to make a living and used payday loan companies and loan sharks to get by. One day, while cutting a beech tree, Colin tripped, fell on his chainsaw and died in seventeen minutes.....

The payday loan company are still pursuing Colin's family for the £300 Colin borrowed from them on the day of his death.

[masterofreality]

The copse in which Colin died was at the far end of the Aldi car park — a dark, dank overgrowth where even the boldest of the Nuneaton toughs hesitated to venture — so he lay undiscovered for quite some time. As he'd slipped, the chainsaw had gone through his belt, causing his trousers to fall to his knees as the blade sliced into his abdomen and spilled his guts out onto the cold mud. Colin had barely expired before a passing stray Alsatian, attracted by the smell, stopped by and tucked in to the pool of blood and half-digested McDonalds. Invigorated by its meal, the dog then decided to work off some energy by mounting Colin's prone rump and pounding away with all its Germanic might.

A couple of days later, Colin's skin had loosened enough for the local cats to make a start. Timidly, at first, each nibbled and tugged at a protrusion — the nose, a finger, an ear — until the warm tasty flesh beneath was revealed. Soon, a chaos of hissing, spitting fury broke out as they vied to devour the unfortunate woodcutter.

By Friday, what remained of Colin was no longer fit for any mammal to eat. It was about this time that it occurred to his wife that something might be wrong. For the first couple of days she'd simply assumed that he'd gone off on one of his periodic gambling binges and had been more angry than concerned. But as the weekend drew near, she began to become seriously concerned and decided to go out looking for him. So, she bundled the kids into the back of the car — a child minder was out of the question as she'd given her last penny to the gorilla from the payday loan company — and set off on a tour of the local car parks.

It was twilight by the time they drew into the Aldi car park. Little Ben called out excitedly from the back seat: "Mummy look! It's Daddy's truck!". Over the coming months and years, she'd curse herself for what happened next. Why could she never remember to use the child locks?! Before she'd even got the key out of the ignition, the kids were haring off across the car park in search of their father. Mere moments later, a high pitched howl of misery and horror reached her ears. Her heart pounding, she ran to where Ben and Kitty stood staring at the stinking lump that had once been their father, his single remaining eye staring sightlessly back at them through a writhing mass of maggots.

Seconds passed, each one a miserable eternity. Then Kitty shat herself, and Ben puked all over the fashionable canvas shoes that Colin had scrimped and saved for months to buy him.

[Absorb the anus burn]

Colin found himself travelling through a tunnel of light, hurtling in ecstasy towards his maker and all his loved ones and forefathers..... When he screeched to a halt.

It seems the payday loan company had got its toe in the door of heaven and Colin would not be able to escape the £300.00 debt which now added up to £870,230.76p due to spiralling heavenly inflation.

Alas, Colin found his debt had been taken purchased by the unholy triumvirate of Pol Pot, Stalin and Bing Crosby, who anally and orally penetrated Colin's interdimensional body in a parallel passageway to the tunnel of light, known as the "tunnel of shite".... If that experience wasn't traumatic enough, Colin tried to get an energy sprite version of Lynn Faulds-Wood to campaign for his unjust treatment, but she told him to fuck off as she was too busy 'folding wood' and secring bent timber with her astral Mr. Fix-It husband, John Staplegun.

Colin was so hurt, he thought go killing himself, but as he had no body, he couldn't do that...So he just sat in the tunnel of shite all day, watching little Ben grow up to be a heroin addict and his wife start a destructive, abusive affair with a man who claims Iain Duncan Smith has 'all the right ideas'.

[masterofreality]

He doesn't watch Kitty. He just can't bear it.

The endless diatribes about broken families, scroungers, "close the fucking food banks!", "send them all back where they came from!", as his widow weeps silently, tending her swollen eye, her bruised neck, her torn vagina — light entertainment!

The dark day when Ben, unfed and unwashed, shivering in a rat-infested alleyway, every vein in his arms, legs, groin, feet and neck hopelessly collapsed, finally gives in to the inevitable and sinks the needle in to his shrunken, stinking penis — Disney Channel stuff!

But Kitty... Oh God, Kitty...

In all these years she's barely slept. Every moment of unconsciousness a nightmare descent into a swirling vortex of disembodied eyes, swarms of insects, monstrous tree demons performing pagan dances. She can't speak — hasn't spoken since that terrible day. Can't go outside — every leaf on every tree an enemy ready to feast on her flesh.

Her mother failed. The hospitals failed. In the end, a remote Abbey took her in.

The nuns are kind, but know they cannot truly help. They feed her and wash her. Bind her wounds when she harms herself, their withdrawal of sharp objects a futile gesture while she still has teeth in her head. They give her solitude. And pray for her soul, though they know it is lost.

She sits alone in a bare, windowless cell. Wild-eyed. Bleeding. And howling.

Howling...

[Bazooka]

A wonderful desolation, loan shark situations are inherently desolate, but Absorb gets my coin for

spiralling heavenly inflation.

[spamwangler]

absorb

[pancreas]

A few cases of trying to gild the lily here.

This was all that was needed:

Seconds passed, each one a miserable eternity. Then Kitty shat herself, and Ben puked all over the fashionable canvas shoes that Colin had scrimped and saved for months to buy him.

which'll buy my vote for masterofreality.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Master of Reality xx

[poo]

I think Master was slightly bleaker

[Gregory Torso]

Another here for master of reality

[Fishfinger]

I keep vacillating, but let's go for absorb's opening.

[Twit 2]

Master of reality

[Spoon of Ploff]

reality bites by 5 of them to 3