The Trivial Prison

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

As the screws cart you off to your cell, you catch a first glimpse of your new cellmate. Barry is doing 2 and a half years for possession of single Crunchie bars from a multipack bag with intent to supply.

Two months later he's been offed in a stairwell by a gigantic brick shithouse man (himself in for parking on double yellow lines) for grassing on the leader of the Ramsgate Crack Cartel (in for smuggling Christmas crackers with the strips in onto a flight to Belgium)

[Dex Sawash]

Trivial Prison is still hung up on that quiz night slight.

[Gregory Torso]

Medium-sized Ronald is doing one and a half weeks for petty sniping.

[pancreas]

Pervert Jim doing porridge for having Shirley Temple films on his laptop.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Pervert Jim doing porridge for having Shirley Temple films on his laptop.

I think they've transferred him to the wrong'uns wing for his own protection, along with Grotty Gary (18 months for indecently exposing himself in front of his pet goldfish)

[JoeyBananaduck]

Doomed Mike waiting out his last days on death row for farting at the breakfast table.

[BlodwynPig]

Anarchist Andy: First public execution for 60 years for accidentally getting dog spittle on the front of a stamp

[Gregory Torso]

Weird Ed's in solitary again for having one ear slightly larger than the other.

[Gregory Torso]

Small Fidel gets another year added on to his sentence when he forgets to say thank you after receiving his prison-issued mini rolls.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Gropey Joe is serving a longer sentence than Rolf Harris got for lightly patting his wife on the bum while she got up off the sofa.

[Mr Eggs]

Berthold the household appliance communist. 14 to life for putting a radiator bleeding key on his wife's car key ring.

[spamwangler]

Blokes in there for manslaughter, but it was a scouser what got done in so that's a relief innit?

[Glebe]

Peter Jessucks is doing hard time for wearing a cardboard Burger King crown in a built-up area. "Naughty, naughty, Pete, slap on da wrist!" laughs 'Knuckles' O' Toole, who will make life a misery for Jessucks during his fifteen-year stretch.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Crispy gets transferred to maximum security after guards claim his untrimmed fingernails constitute shivs. His hands are confiscated as he is loaded into the van. After 3 days he is transferred back again for good behaviour after saying 'hi' to a guard

[Sebastian Cobb]

'Smokey' Pete got 3 months for lighting up under an otherwise empty bus shelter in the pissing rain.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

After a while there becomes a hierarchy of nonces where the least child sex nonce one is the best, and he lives on a throne and is fed grapes while conversely the worst paedo of all is blanked at the cantine and occasionally has "nonce" muttered at him.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Runcorn Tom is doing 5 years for the theft of £1.30 that someone forgot to collect from a vending machine coin return slot

[JoeyBananaduck]

They finally caught up with Mucky Bob, the Menace of Macclesfield for cupping his hand and throwing a fart at his mate when he was 7. Life, no parole.

[Glebe]

One rum cove allegedly did five years porridge for enjoying a fruit segment on a Thursday in Cheadle. It's utter madness!

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

The governor has granted Trivial Prison an increased budget to expand it's nonce wing, as it is currently struggling to cope with the massive influx of historical sex offenders. One such inmate is 51-year-old Korean Rodney, who last year was convicted of sexually abusing himself at the age of 13.

[Chairman Bodog]

Brock Tungsten in the can can for squeezing a dog's noggin.

Child Rapist Rupert was only banged up for insubordination on a commercial flight but Angus The SkullWanker swapped his case file with a grotty nonce called Ryan The Air.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Offshore Barry put a dvd on in the break room of an oil rig.

[Gregory Torso]

Terry Traipse chemically castrated for sauntering near a childrens playground.

[Bum Flaps]

Inkjet Ian will be breaking rocks for a decade after neglecting to think before printing out that email from HR.

[Gregory Torso]

Testicles Mark is denied parole for having a silly name.

[Rizla]

18 months for calling her a fat cow

[JoeyBananaduck]

Even Warden Mickey Stringent is forced to concede to himself that Fanny-About Frank's sentence of 10 to Life on the vague charge of 'Playing Silly Beggars' is a little on the harsh side.

[cptspalding]

Flight-footed-Fred is rugby tackled by a lifeguard whilst running towards the deep end of the communal pool to rescue his daughter who is in some difficulty. CITIZEN'S ARREST screams the lifeguard and he blows his whistle for backup.

The judge offered no leniency to Fred, despite his loss. "You flagrantly ignored the No Running law of the pool and put yourself and those around you at risk. Your days of running are over, Mr Flight-footed. Take him down and remove those legs of his so that he may sin no more."

[Sebastian Cobb]

^he gives a nod of recognition to Heavy Petting Keith across the mess hall.

[Fishfinger]

Ungoliant is stamped to death in a toilet cubicle for the crime of being a spider.