The Trivial Prison

[Glebe]

Graham from Acton is doing life for dressing up as Noddy.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Pete Messerschmitt is serving three sequential life sentences in solitary for fogging up the glass in a telephone box with his breath and drawing a smiley face

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Chicken Kievin loses visitation rights after his "MEAT POWER" neck tattoo offends Sensitive Nigel's vegan mother during her weekly visit

[pancreas]

Angela. Her onions weren't properly sited on the Tesco self-checkout and she underpaid by 20p. She won't see daylight again.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Angela. Her onions weren't properly sited on the Tesco self-checkout and she underpaid by 20p. She won't see daylight again.

That's what the judge decided upon, however her case is later declared a mistrial after court documents indicate that one of the jurors was wearing an asymmetrical hat.
At the re-trial she manages to get her sentence cut down to 10 years by naming her husband as a co-conspirator (put a granary loaf through as tiger bread). He gets life.

12 years later, she has not been added to his visitation list

[Sebastian Cobb]

Ken is in for 3 months for forgetting to submit his weekly timesheet.

[pancreas]

Dave's in for few years for repeatedly sneezing too loudly. They put him in solitary because he wouldn't eat the crusts on his chip butty.

[Gregory Torso]

Oleg Babybel gets fuckin shivved in the neck with a sharpened toothbrush because he didn't say "bless you" when Flea Circus Dave sneezed.

[Gregory Torso]

Chicken Kievin

Best name so far

[Glebe]

A particular Michael was banged up 'til breakfast for playing a Gameboy in Arbroath.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Best name so far

I think he deserves a spin-off thread quite frankly

The Adventures of Chicken Kievin

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

A group of problem kids from St Satan's Primary School are taken on a visit to the Trivial Prison. They meet the thuggiest of the thugs and are traumatised to the point of squatting. Ms Shattocks turns to the kids and tells them "This is where you will end up if you say "yes miss" when I call out someone else's name on the register"

[Sebastian Cobb]

Amiga Bill is banged up for historical xcopy offences from the early '90s. His protests that it was a different time fall in deaf ears.

[Glebe]

Roger Clarty got ten years for taking a dive in the fifth. He was the finest hedgehog-puncher in all Lambeth 'til that shit went down.

[Fishfinger]

Seat left up. "Take him down."

[cptspalding]

Bum note in local pub karaoke.  Off to the Isle of Wight forced labour camp.

[Glebe]

Texas, 1995. Jed Hummkins has eaten his last steak meal, and is hoping that some day they'll catch the real culprit in the Complete Flumps VHS Woolworths theft.

"Pull the switch, lads."

[Glebe]

Special Agent Bargerfeld comes bursting into the office. The Arkansas-born ex-marine is renowned for his toughness, but right now there are tears in his eyes. He proudly holds up the smoking gun document that will finally convict a particularly sick and twisted individual, and cries;

"WE GOT HIM!"

The whole room erupts in cheers and applause. Many of these people have devoted years of their lives to this case.

Some hours later in Hove, Tim Nuggets settles down with a hot chocolate to enjoy tonight's episode of Corrie, blissfully unaware of the SWAT team that are about to invade his modest bungalow. On that dream trip to Florida all those years back, he really should have never put that tube of Smarties he accidentally knocked down back in the wrong section of the confectionary display.

[Glebe]

Andrew Marr - yes that Andrew Marr - is currently serving 30 years to life for chewing a Toffo at excessive volume within spitting distance of the Houses of Parliament.

[Glebe]

Roger from Bournemouth once ate four whole bag of penny chews before dinner. Now he's breaking rocks on Alcatraz. There's no getting away from it, your past always catches up with you.

[pancreas]

Roger from Bournemouth once ate four whole bag of penny chews before dinner. Now he's breaking rocks on Alcatraz. There's no getting away from it, your past always catches up with you.

He wanted to get caught, deep down.

[Glebe]

Barry of Skegness is currently several consecutive life sentences for dressing up as an extremely unconvincing Oompa Loompa for a party some years ago. You may thing that's a little bit harsh, but he didn't even go to the bother of painting his face orange. Slapdash.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Trivial Prisons Inc. have recently opened a Young Offenders' Institute where Jasper, 3, is currently doing bird for joyriding a red plastic pedal car. He'll have chest hair and wisdom teeth by the time he's out

[Glebe]

I'll bet you'll think twice the next time you decide to fuck a Frisbee across Mr. Muggins lawn. Life, no parole.

[Glebe]

Jack goes into a newsagants for a Snickers, but asks for a "Marathon bar." Five years in Broadmoor.

[Dex Sawash]

That's what the judge decided upon, however her case is later declared a mistrial after court documents indicate that one of the jurors was wearing an asymmetrical hat.
At the re-trial she manages to get her sentence cut down to 10 years by naming her husband as a co-conspirator (put a granary loaf through as tiger bread). He gets life.

12 years later, she has not been added to his visitation list

defense council also sent down for stating "they've all had their onions improperly sited on the tesco self-checkout by the time I'm finished with them" in cross examination.

[Glebe]

"That was a lovely meal!" expresses James, putting the HP bottle back in the press. Suddenly, the front door bursts open, and riot police engage with the situation. The leader of the squad removes the bottle from the press and holds it up to James' face. "See that?" he enquires, through his cold, impersonal mask, "Sauce dripping out the top. That'll dry around the cap, mate. Twenty years hard labour."

[Ray Travez]

Mickey 'the mouth' Mansfield gets two months for saying "Gosh, you're tall!" when meeting that really tall bloke from Pointless.

[Dex Sawash]

Muhammad "Big Mo" Bin Wadin 6 years for leaving bin out 2 days past pickup

[Glebe]

You forget to record Last of the Summer Wine for Uncle Jack. Strangeways, here you come.