The Trivial Prison

[Sebastian Cobb]

Derek's got six months because he didn't indicate to go down Woodchurch Lane.

[Ray Travez]

Billy Fulcher of The Typo Gang gets 15 years for writing their when he meant they're.
In summary, Judge 'busta' Rimes said "You've done a crime, now you'll do time, I'll throw the book at you, you slime!"

[Ray Travez]

Breaking News- Judge Rimes arrested under Operation Seuss

[Glebe]

"Go on mate, have a drink! The pub is jumpin'!"

"Nah mate, just an orange juice for me."

Life, no parole, Belmarsh.

[Sgt. Duckie]

Glossop's Nat Baxter had it all. Wine, women and wealth. Now all Nat Baxter has is a prison cell. Sent down for winking at a bus driver from his Lamborghini.

[Glebe]

Morbid 22 year-old Kate didn't laugh once during the Peter Kay live DVD, and Auntie Lannigans is well put out. Twelve years in a women's prison.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Joe Bobbins, 46, Barnsley. Farted in the vicinity of a biscuit. Beheaded.

[Glebe]

Jonathan Farts will be the first person to be executed in Britain for over half a century, due to the heinous and unforgivable act of dropping a box of Weetabix in the supermarket.

[Glebe]

Decided to pick up a Moro while waiting in a queue in the newsagents. Enjoy your solitary confinement.

[Glebe]

Having being convicted of consuming a choc ice of a Thursday, Marvin knew that there was every possibly he may never be a free man again. He thought he'd learned his lesson, but after three weeks inside, he just couldn't resist a nibble on a smuggled-in Solero in the prison yard. A month in 'The Hole'.

[Glebe]

One minute your singing out of tune to an Ed Sheeran song in the pub, the next you're staring into the face of a judge in the Old Bailey. Life.

[Glebe]

You delete an episode of Bake Off from the DVR. It's an old episode that your wife has already watched twice, but still. Fifteen years.

[Glebe]

The boiled sweet wrappers were all they needed, but the used tisses were enough to ensure that the judge would throw the book at you. Three consecutive life sentences, and all because you couldn't be arsed cleaning out your parka pockets.

[cptspalding]

Kiss your newborn baby goodnight. Wife sees you do this and calls the police, distraught, floods of tears. In with the nonces you sick subhuman scum.

[Glebe]

You meet an old mate on the bus and, in giddy mood, quip "'Polo - the mint with the hole!' - remember that ad?" You will die in prison.

[Glebe]

"Call off the search, guys," announced Deputy Marshal Jones, "and tell those helicopters to return to base. We'll never find him now."

Just then, Officer Tackleberry came running into the encampment, out of breath but clearly excited. "Sir, we got a fix on him! He's heading down toward the reservoir!"

"You sure?"

"Yes sir! The boys caught sight of him in the headlamps of the jeep! They're making way down on foot down through the forest!"

"Well, Deputy Jones, it look's like you've finally got your man," quipped Sheriff Dennehy, with a wan smile.

"Hand me that sniper rifle, son. Let's show this smart ass how the US Marshals deals with a man who leaves the cap off the Dettol."

[Glebe]

Five years... five long years, for breathing in an incorrect rhythm for six seconds on a bus to Chelmsford.

[Glebe]

"Can I have my lawnmower back, please?"

"Oh hi Mr. Segments next door, sorry, meant to give it back yesterday!"

"It's too late for that now," says Mr. Segments, stepping aside to allow the police to arrest you.

[Gregory Torso]

A bee is brought before the magistrates on charges of buzzing around a bit, plus 1 count of hiding in a jumper with intent to sting, and 1 count of resisting arrest through aggressive hovering.

GUILTY.
Sent down to the Kellogg's honey mines where it will live out its days manufacturing horribly sweet hoop shaped cereals.

[Glebe]

The monkey on the Cocoa Pops box makes a man smile in a supermarket. Two years.

[Glebe]

A sweltering summer night in the US state of Georgia, the early 1950s. Two men - one caucasian, one black - sit down together in a field to catch their breathe, too tired to continue the argument they were having when they last had a chance to stop running. They are chained together, having escaped from the prison that is now some miles behind them. Sadly for them, the same can not be said of their pursuers. But they are completely spent, and must rest at a few moments or risk collapsing from exhaustion.

"Gasp... well, Sidney, it looks like we're really gonna go to the chair this time!"

"Pant... don't be so sure, Curtis... I don't know about you, but I still got some strength in these ol' legs!"

And then they hear it. The faint, but clearly audible sound of bloodhounds and angry men. A moment later, the tiny pinpoint glow of headlamps can be glimpsed through the trees across the meadow.

"Well," says the white man, "It guess we got no choice now. Ready when you are, y'darn darkie!"

"As soon as we get a chance, I'm gonna find me a good, big rock and break these damn chains! I'd never have been incarcerated in the first place, if I hadn't of hid that Kit-Kat you knicked from the newsagents up me jumper!"

[Glebe]

Left the farmer's gate open. Ten years.

[jobotic]

What team's scarf is that mate? I don't recognise those colours.

Oh it's not a football scarf, it's Hogwarts Quidditch!.



Firing squad, the victim gets to take the first shot.

[Glebe]

Hang on, you had two Milky Ways for lunch?

Three years in chokey.

[cptspalding]

Jake Sapling applied for the job as a prison warden as his careers advisor knew the governor and told him he was a dead cert for the position.

The interview went really well and as the prison governor shook his hand goodbye he mentioned how they were sure to be seeing more of each other soon.  Jake walked towards the exit, pleased with how the day had turned out. A hand on his shoulder stopped him in his path and as he turned around he felt a sudden dread. "This way, Mr Sapling. It's the other side of the cell door for you, I'm afraid. Blue ink bad, black ink good, the job application form was quite clear on this matter."

[Paul Calf]

Jimmy the Greb is on Rule 45. He forgot to reset his canera's time zone when he got back from Spain and all his photos are timestamped an hour ahead.

Even the nonces turn their backs on him.

[Glebe]

Warden Smith shakes his head. "They all cry on the first night. What you in here for, boy?"

"Eating a Big Mac in front of a vegetarian."

[Glebe]

The electronic buzzer echoes around the corridor and the security door lock clicks open. As she makes her way down through the dimly-lit maximum security wing, Agent Sparrow peers nervously through the glass of the cells at the wretched creatures within, and remembers Dr. Chivers' words; "Be careful down there." She finally reaches the last cell, and there he is, standing in shadow.

"Dr. Lectern? I'm Agent Sparrow, FBI. I'm wondering if you could help me with the Bison Benny case, having stolen a few hotel towels yourself."

[Glebe]

Five years sounds a bit harsh, but come on, reading a whole two-page article without buying the magazine? It's just not on.

[cptspalding]

Young Amy was suffering from a hangover and accidentally stepped on a crack in the pavement. She received a phone call later in her holding cell from the hospital to say her mother had just come out of surgery after having her spinal cord surgically severed at the T12 vertebra.