Nigerian entrepeneurs- a complete waste of time?

[Adrian Brezhnev]

I don't want to sound racist, but I am having the most ridiculous email dialogue with Nigerians at the moment.... I have yet to find one that does not sound like a 419er.

I'm not actually sure whether to post this to this forrum, to Stereo Excucsions, to Comedy Chat. or even to Website Whines as it involves (in my opinion) comedic emails regarding a stereo DVD recorder that I have for sale on my bug-ridden new website.

hello,
 am very besy that is why i dont call u ok i will give my control number before u ativite it u will ship the item u mail estern the track number i need it urgently pls i beg u in name of god ship my item today asap


----- Email 10a -----

John,

I know you need the delivery urgently... that's why I am amazed that you have not given me clear instuctions for the delivery, and you have contradicted yourself about payment.

Why don't you just place the order through Amazon, put it on your credit card, or show me evidence of the Western Union money transfer? Had you done this last week, you would have all the goods by now!

Could you tell me your phone number, so that we can clear up any remaning misunderstandings?


----- Email 9b ---------- Original Message -----
From: "kerry john"
Subject: urgently
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2005 00:13:54 -0800 (PST)

hello,
  ok u tell that u ship with dhl pls i need it ugently do it fast for pls mal me back. asap


----- Email 9a -----

Dear John,

I am sure we can work this out in the flashest of flashes... perhaps you could give me a call on +44 773 453 4263 so that we can discuss the best way forward.

Let's keep this simple. By the way, you did not tell me whether the 2 day courier charges were in order, or whether you wanted a lower cost solution.


----- Email 8b ---------- Original Message -----
From: "kerry john"
Subject: read this
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005 06:50:42 -0800 (PST)

hello,
 not like that after  i pay u through western union auction payment u are tell that that to pay for another credit card again i can do that on less u u shipp the item u will receive ur cheque trus me brother the item need urgently asap


----- Email 8a -----

John,

No, that's not what the arrangement! Do you honestly expect me to ship three DVD recorders to an address that I do not know in Nigeria, before the cheque has even been sent?

I understand that the items are needed urgently. May I remind you that you are perfectly welcome to pay by credit card, and if you do, then I would be able to send the items by courier this morning.

I do hope that this clarifies matters.


----- Email 7b ---------- Original Message -----
From: kerry john
Sent: Friday, January 07, 2005 9:09 AM
Subject: read this

hello,
  once the items have been shipped, western union would send you your cheque,then you can transfer it into your own account ok?


----- Email 7a -----

Thank you for that. Do you have an idea yet as to when the funds are likely to be transferred?



----- Email 6b ---------- Original Message -----
From: kerry john
Sent: Friday, January 07, 2005 8:29 AM
Subject: SHIPPING ADDRESS

hello
 this is my client shipping address.
NAME:MICHEAL
ADDRESS:22 ILOBU STREET OKO OBA
CITY:AGEGE
STATE:LAGOS
ZIPCODE:23401
COUNTRY:NIGERIA
AFTER THE SHIP SO U CAN MAIL WESTERN THE TRACK NUMBER NAD ME .


----- Email 6a -----

John,

I have not heard from Western Union yet... but in the mean time, could you please let me know the delivery address, so I can start preparing the packaging?


----- Email 5b ---------- Original Message -----
From: kerry john
Sent: Wednesday, January 05, 2005 5:59 PM
Subject: i await your reply..............................

hello,
     as soon as soon you received comfirmation from western union auction payment mean that i have make the payment for so u can ship the item to the address i have give an mail western tracking number


----- Email 5a -----

Dear John,

The pricing could be as follows:

Philips DVDR610 Multi Region Capable DVD Recorder : 3 units @£175.00 each.... £525.00

Volume discount (3 items- 6%).... £31.50

Price with discount: £493.50

Shipping costs, as you know, can vary between £50 and £350- depending on the carrier we chose, and the delivery time. An urgent delivery with DHL for instance, would cost £292.73 for 1-2 days. I presume that this would make it prohibitavely expensive.

I await your instructions. Please let me know if there is anything else you need to know.


----- Email 4b ---------- Original Message -----
From: "kerry john"
Subject: i await your reply..............................
Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2005 02:55:01 -0800 (PST)

hello
   ok sir,
you can give me the price of three items including the discount + the shipping cost . so as to make the payment through western union auction payment ok? i need it urgently ok?


----- Email 4a -----

John,

Sorry not to have got back to you yesterday.

There are a number of options and carriers for delivering the DVD recorders to Nigeria.

In terms of price, what I can offer is a 5% discount if you buy two machines, a 6% discount if you buy 3 or 4, and a 7.5% discount if you buy 5 or more.

I will be able to ship the items within 48 hours of receipt of confirmation of your order via Amazon Marketplace.


----- Email 3b ---------- Original Message -----
From: "kerry john"
Subject: QUESTION ABOUT Philips DVDR610 Multi Region Capable DVD Recorder
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2005 08:35:47 -0800 (PST)

ok
   that won is not problem u can give me the total price of the item + ship cost to africa an full contact agddress


----- Email 3a -----

That is fine, but what about insurance costs? And how quickly are they needed?


----- Email 2b ---------- Original Message -----
From: "kerry john"
Subject: QUESTION ABOUT Philips DVDR610 Multi Region Capable DVD Recorder
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2005 07:57:25 -0800 (PST)

ok sir i was in s/a u can ship it to nigeria


----- Email 2a -----

OK... I will speak to my suppliers and see what price I can get on the items.

Could you tell me what country in Africa they are to go to, and what the expectations are in terms of delivery time?


----- Email 1b ---------- Original Message -----
From: "kerry john"
Subject: Re: QUESTION ABOUT Philips DVDR610 Multi Region Capable DVD Recorder
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2005 07:13:07 -0800 (PST)

HELLO SELLER,
      OK I  NEED LIKE  2 SO U CAN GIVE THE TOTAL PRICE OF THE ITEM +SHIPPING COST TO AFRICA AND FULL CONTACT ADDRESS. MAIL ME BACK


----- Email 1a -----

Dear John,

Many thanks for your email. Would you like me to send the unit straight to Africa?

If you want more than one item for your store, I might be able to ensure an additional discount.


Best regards,

Alex

Exeter Connections Ltd.
Queensgate House, 48 Queen Street, Exeter, Devon EX4 3SR
Telephone: 01392 215 808
Fax: 01392 410 436

[imitationleather]

Oh, you should've said the emails were in reverse order!

Still, that was an amusing morning jape.

DVD recorders cost £175 now? Interesting...

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Sorry, I should have made it clear that the emails were in reverse order.... mind you, I thought that I had made it clear by numbering them.

To be honest, DVD recorders start at between £120 and £140... but I do have to make a profit!

[Xander]

You do realise you've given all of us whores your phone number? Oooh, the fun we could have with this...

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Ah, well, I have only been here a day.... and so perhaps I am naiive in thinking that you are all gentlemen + a lady.

Perhaps I should have started my first post yesterday with the customary "Please be gentle with me...." etc.

[Pinball]

It amazes me that these Nigerian scamsters (which this guy clearly is) still bother. Do they really think that people in "the West" are still stoopid/poorly informed enough to fall for their nonsense??

You could take the position that you're not going to engage in business with criminals (do you want the Nigerian mafia to know your address??), but if you really want to go ahead and sell to this guy, then get him to pay via PayPal, including his name, address, tel. no. etc.  Even then, if it was me I'd be worried he's using a stolen card, and that you could get into trouble/lose the money later. Ask yourself why he isn't buying from Amazon or equivalent? Presumably it's because he's trying to get the goods free by avoiding paying up front.

Bottomline, ditch the crook.

Fun emails to read, though! ;-)

once the items have been shipped, western union would send you your cheque

Yeah right.

[butnut]

Ah, well, I have only been here a day....

And if you keep going at 35 posts a day, you'll overtake my post count in about 4 months! Keep it up.

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Ask yourself why he isn't buying from Amazon or equivalent? etc. etc.

The irony of this is that he found the item on Amazon Marketplace in the first place (where I had listed a couple of second rate DVD recorders for sale)- it was from a link from my page there that he got my email address!

[Pinball]

Just imagine the thousands of requests he and his ilk must be making to Marketplace folks? What a waste of their (and your) time! Does Amazon have a facility for reporting fraudulent (or suspected fraudulent) buyers? Clearly he's not buying via the usual Amazon route in order to avoid paying up front. Could you report him to the Nigerian authorities? I bet he'd have a lot of defrauded goods in "his" house...

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Yes, it is of course a complete waste of time, but I am finding it an amusing waste of time!

I am letting the emails run their course, just to see what heppens.

But once the dialogue dries up, I intend to contact Amazon management... and perhaps the Nigerian government as well.

The ?man goes by the name of John Kerry- and let's face it, who would not trust him, with a name like that? He claims to need three DVD recorders urgently for his store. What I find amusing is that he seemed totally unruffled by the fact that I quoted him DHL delivery rates that  doubled the cost of his order.

Perhaps some whores would like to email him at his ever so slightly suspect email address, louisstoreonline@yahoo.com - pretending to be from Botswana, Kenya, Dubai, or Senegal or even Nigeria, saying that they are interested in buying a non-existent DVD recorder!

[imitationleather]

I might email him this from a fake account...

hello my sir i do not wish to cause you embarrassment or dishonour but i currently require a dvd player for my home. i have heard that you run a glorious equipment store and do could easily embelish me with one for a monetary exchange.

is this at all possible dear friend? i currently reside in kenya and so expect a heavy postage charge.

thank you and may you be well,
humphrey

[Santa's Boyfriend]

I was wondering what John Kerry was up to these days.

[Adrian Brezhnev]

I actually felt sorry for John Kerry... until I started receiving emails from him.

I might email him this from a fake account...

The humphrey email

- great stuff... go for it!

[imitationleather]

Well, it's sent. I edited it slightly...

hello my sir i do not wish to cause you embarrassment or dishonour but
i currently require a dvd player for my home. i have heard that you
run a glorious audiovisual equipment store and so could easily
embelish me with one for a monetary exchange. if this is so i will be
eternally grateful my darling as will my tongue.

is this at all possible dear friend? i currently reside in kenya and
so expect a heavy postage charge. please make this happen to me.

thank you and may you be well,
humphrey jjjgjdat

I wonder if he'll reply...

[Pinball]

Yes, it is of course a complete waste of time, but I am finding it an amusing waste of time!

I am letting the emails run their course, just to see what heppens.

But once the dialogue dries up, I intend to contact Amazon management... and perhaps the Nigerian government as well.

The ?man goes by the name of John Kerry- and let's face it, who would not trust him, with a name like that? He claims to need three DVD recorders urgently for his store. What I find amusing is that he seemed totally unruffled by the fact that I quoted him DHL delivery rates that  doubled the cost of his order.

Perhaps some whores would like to email him at his ever so slightly suspect email address, louisstoreonline@yahoo.com - pretending to be from Botswana, Kenya, Dubai, or Senegal or even Nigeria, saying that they are interested in buying a non-existent DVD recorder!

Send his email to abuse@yahoo .com as well? ;-)

[imitationleather]

Hurrah! He replied:

Subject: read this..........................

Hi,

i do sell DVD and some other valuables electronics appliances like handset and television.so how many quantity would you like?

To which I replied:

good evening fellow

ah well know let me see.... my wife of joanna has been complaining for very long time that she does not have a dvd recorder. her insolence has been obstructing my plans for total domination and so that is what i require. the handset however sounds most interesting and up for consideration in a future day perhaps.

the large quantity that i require is one. how much would a dvd recorder cost? if the amount is too small i shall be eternally happy and bless your family for generations to come.

thank you very highly,
humphrey

p.s. i require this products very urgently in order to extinguish the fire that is threatening my family unit. thank you.

[untitled_london]

It amazes me that these Nigerian scamsters (which this guy clearly is) still bother. Do they really think that people in "the West" are still stoopid/poorly informed enough to fall for their nonsense??

...

Yeah right.

s'funny you should say that....just this morning i read....

Nigerian scam suckers professor

$1.68 million in money laundered

By Nick Farrell: Monday 10 January 2005, 15:45
[AD]
A MIAMI law professor, with three doctorates, who is in the centre of a money laundering court case, claims he is a victim of the Nigerian scam.

University of Miami law professor Enrique Fernandez-Barros has told the Miami Herald that he thought he had been emailed by the the Nigerian government for help reviewing some infrastructure contracts.

A "Nigerian official" promised in late 2003 to pay him for legal services if he would help the government and a Nigerian businessman recoup $1.68 million from a US truck-leasing company.

Fernandez-Barros would get $200,000 in fees for this and other work. He apparently didn't seem to notice any problems with the English in the email, or anything else that suggested it was a Nigerian scam other than the fact it came from Nigera. Still that is a high powered education for you.

Later Fernandez-Barros received an altered cheque from Penske Truck Leasing which he deposited it in his credit-union account and later had the money wired to Nigeria.

Now Penske say that the money was taken illegally and they want it back. Fernandez-Barros, 73 says he never got any cash out of the Nigerians.

Penske is going after its own bank, Fleet National, which approved the professor's transaction, and the University Credit Union, an independent provider of banking services for UM employees and students.

Fernandez-Barros has not been charged or sued.

The full legal mess can be found here [http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/10576205.htm]

;)

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Given that Mr. Kerry (a rather unusual name for a Nigerian in my opinion) seems to have absolutely no concept of how to pay for goods and services properly, perhaps I should suggest a barter arrangement-

20 handsets and 10 televisions might be about the right level to pitch at...

[Pinball]

Never a Dixons when you need one ;-)

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Funnily enough, I visited Dixons today, twice.

Actually, it's not funny at all, it's just that I went to PC World and asked where their midi keyboards were. After they incorrectly attempted to send me to the wireless keyboards section three times, they said that they don't sell them. I reminded them that I bought my last one from them, but sadly I did not have it any more, what with having been evicted from the office I was living in at the time.

Anyway, they said that what I need to do is go to Dixons, and for some reason I had the urge to raise my voice and say to the semi-evolved shop assistant that I HATE DIXONS! The poor shop asisstant didn't know what to say, but it did make me feel better.

Anyway, I went to Dixons later this afternoon, and they didn't have any midi keyboards either. In fact they didn't know what midi keyboards are. The same happened at the big Dixons on Oxford Street.[/b]

[PyramidHead]

Funnily enough, I visited Dixons today, twice.

Actually, it's not funny at all, it's just that I went to PC World and asked where their midi keyboards were. After they incorrectly attempted to send me to the wireless keyboards section three times, they said that they don't sell them. I reminded them that I bought my last one from them, but sadly I did not have it any more, what with having been evicted from the office I was living in at the time.

Anyway, they said that what I need to do is go to Dixons, and for some reason I had the urge to raise my voice and say to the semi-evolved shop assistant that I HATE DIXONS! The poor shop asisstant didn't know what to say, but it did make me feel better.

Anyway, I went to Dixons later this afternoon, and they didn't have any midi keyboards either. In fact they didn't know what midi keyboards are. The same happened at the big Dixons on Oxford Street.[/b]

You hate Dixons but you shop at PC World? You do know that it's all the same company, right?

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Yes, I intesely like PC World, and try to avoid them as much as I can, but sometimes I have to visit them when shopping for computer bits if other shops in town are out of stock or overpriced.

But I don't hate them in quite the way that I despise Dixons... mind you Dicksuns is heaven compared to Cunting Currys...

Disclaimer.... just because PC World is a competitor to my fledgeling e-business, I don't actually wish them any harm, and apologise to any employees or loyal and loving customers of the PC World group that may happen to read this.

Anyway, enough of all that... I've received another email from the wonderful Mr. Kerry, that I thought you might like to read-

hello,

  i want to tell that if u that u want to sell the package to me u no need my phone number pls i will stop the payment for u now asap mail me back.

Here's my reply:

Dear John,

Yes, of course I want to sell you the package, but I think that we do need to talk to clarify a couple of misunderstandings.

Please don't stop the payment... by the way, have they given you a tracking number yet?

Since you originally contacted me, I have added more product lines to my cornucopia of consumer electronics. DVD recorders ar selling particularly well, especially in Scotland, where the prices are extremely competitive and a number of my regular customers have been blown away!


I look forward to hearing from you,

Alex.

He's written straight back- does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could reply?

hello,
  ok no problem i will make it for u now make sure u ship it today i need urgengly pls mail me the tracking number asap.

[untitled_london]

surely you have cottoned to the fact that this is not your typical 481(or w/e the number is) scammer. this seems far more likely to be a 10-15 year old.

the AOL chat speak is a dead giveaway.

well that and the complete lack of knowledge of financial & postal procedures would seem to suggest that to me at any rate.

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Yes, I reached a similar conclusion a long time ago... I would say that there is a very good chance that he is not in Nigeria at all. I must see if there is any way that I can find out what his IP address is.

[Pinball]

Ask him why he won't pay up front, prior to you sending the product? He seems to selectively use "poor English" when you ask a specific question. Poor chap. Imagine him trying to buy a burger:

"Give it to me then I will pay"

Then he scarpers as fast as his petty criminal legs will carry him.

[imitationleather]

I decided to send another email because he was keeping very quiet:

hello again my friend,

my order has urgently changed i am afraid. now my home manor require
three televisions and one handset. if possible i would like a handset
in black with two red buttons. is this possible?

gosh, what an age we live in!
humphrey

Then ring out the bells, he replied!

hello,
ony televion and twoo camera phone if u like that mail
me back.

So I sent back:

salutations darling

hmmm... thank you my sire for your update of information. i shall take
the television but leave the camera phones untouched please.

do you have a delivery of any dvd recorders coming soon? i still need that.

yours for now and forever,
humphrey

[Adrian Brezhnev]

He's like a little pet. Feed him a line, and he'll eat it up with delight, process it, poo it out of his bottom, and send it back-

----- Original Message -----
From: "kerry john" <louisstoreonline@yahoo.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 11:06 AM
Subject: why u dont ship i will stop the pay now..........................

i want any trouble pls if u no that u can sell the
item let me go and look for another person who go
respond to me

...and my reply-

Could you please explain what you mean by "i want any trouble pls if u no that u can sell the item".

Please do not stop the payment- I now have the three items ready for dispatch, and will be ready to do so as soon as I have genuine confirmation of payment.

I still eagerly await your phone and fax numbers.

[m...wW(wwMww)Ww...m]

I must see if there is any way that I can find out what his IP address is.

I think if you look at the full message header for one of his emails, you should be able to find out his IP address from that.

[aboutlastnight]

I work for a company that sells on eBay. We are constantly getting emails from these African fraudsters. They always type in block bloody capitals. Always mention Western Union. And they always use their ponsified formal English:

'DEAR SELLER or DEAR SIR GOOD DAY TO YOU MY NAME IS NKAMENYE I AM A CUNT FROM NIGERIA AND I OWN A VERY QUANIT ADUIO VISUAL STORE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CO-OPERATION IN THIS MATTER, I URGENTLY REQUIRE DISPATCH OF YOUR PLASMA TELEVISION. PLS SEND VIA DHL OR FEDEX, UPON SHIPMENT I WILL TRANSFER WESTERN UNION.
PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM A GENTLEMAN WITH A FETCHING BOW TIE AND RIDICULOUS LARGE SPAM COINICIDING WITH LUDICROUS HAIR LINE, PLEASE BE SURE TO FORWARD ME YOUR KIND TRACKING DETAILS.
THANK YOU AND BLESS BE YOUR BUM ON THIS MILD AND TEPID MORROW.'

Next time we get such an email I'll grab a copy.

[Adrian Brezhnev]

Well, John Kerry seems to have gone off to work on other campaigns as he stopped emailing me on the 13th, but guess what.... another has taken his place!

Dear Seller,

I am interested inPhilips DVDR70 Multi Region Capable DVRecorder which sold for £190.00.
And I am paying via WESTERN UNION MONEY ORDER. So if you agree to this term get back to me with your Contact Name and Address so i can make payment.

Regards,

tony.


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I think the only intruguing thing about his email is the presumably unintentional reference to Jib Jab's second term....