The Best Ads Ever! (Formerly Ads from Hell)

[imitationleather]

Anyone see that Pepsi ad with Pink, Enrique Iglesias, Beyonce and some other pop tart? Fucking awful, it was. I can't stand Pink, she is the fakest rock chick ever. Even faker than Avril Lavigne, Amy Studt and Kelly Osbourne put together. The slack-fadged moneywhore slut.

Also, I mentioned on the weekly lads mags thread the advert for Sorted which has a woman with a yellow thong poking over the top of her 2002-style low-slung jeans trying and failing to do DIY because her bloke is too busy reading the mag. That advert makes me ashamed to be a male.

The other one is of course those FA Cup ads featuring someone who IS Don King (see, I've learned from my mistakes) shouting some bollocks inbetween every single show on the BBC in the weeks running upto each round. Those fucking ads are going to be infecting our TVs until May, and I feel sick just thinking about it.

EDIT: I just saw once that I hadn't seen for a while: Those sun awning ads featuring ex-copper, John Stalker. Jee-zus Christ.
It used to be: "It's so easy, even a child can do it."
Then it was: "It's so easy, even Drummer (his dog) can do it."
Now it's: "Come on Drummer, you've made your point."
Did anyone ever see the Shooting Stars parody of these ads? It was spot-on.

[Purple Tentacle]

Have the Jenson "Hit the red" Button adverts been taken off for good?


And two words...

Friendly bacteria

I'll throw in another three...

Quote me happy!!11

[Garfield And Friends]

Anyone see that Pepsi ad with Pink, Enrique Iglesias, Beyonce and some other pop tart? Fucking awful, it was. I can't stand Pink, she is the fakest rock chick ever. Even faker than Avril Lavigne, Amy Studt and Kelly Osbourne put together. The slack-fadged moneywhore slut.

other pop tart = Brit Spears
I'm slightly surprised she agreed to sing in that shit ad with the other singers. Her voice is so weak in comparision.

[Still Not George]

Incidentally horses are shit. To the most of us they serve no purpose except for glue and burgers I guess. Maybe they should have a few pages of that in 'I love horses'? Damn you prissy well to do bitchs and your fascination with privilege. I detest you and I detest your balding ultra platinum card wielding cockball parents

How many times do I have to repost this, you fuckers? How many times must you make me dance at your whims?


I LOVE HORSES!
They provide both meat and glue,
I LOVE HORSES!
They taste good!

[gazzyk1ns]

Is the Switch one mentioned in the "©Cook'd and Bomb'd" thread, the one with the 'animated' Pelicans/Toucans? It's absolutely shit, isn't it? Always annoys the hell out of me, reminds me of some bog-standard art by a dumb A-level student who probably has a big picture of a monkey in his/her room (next to the 'ironic' Rainbow one).

[imitationleather]

Annoying Ad Case #3457756454: Old El Paso Fajitas
Y'no, the one where the man with the self-consciously "scruffy" stubble is preparing dinner and his whiny voiced complete mismatch of a girlfriend is on the phone making inane comments about how her boyfriend is such a filthy cunt and incapable cook that she'll probably get food poisoning so bad that she'll be pushing up the daisies by sundown.
"Guess who's cooking dinner? Yeah, yeah..."
"D'ya hear that? Aromatic spices, yeah."
"Well, I'll call you tomorrow, if I'm not dead."
Then when she finally gets her overactive mouth around a fajita and he asks what she thinks she says, "Well, make me another and I'll tell you." I'm not a violent man, but if I knew that woman... Well, maybe I'd best not go there (ooh, I sound like a right little mobster).
Quite possibly the VERY WORST AD EVAAAAAAH!

[no_offenc]

IL - yes.  That woman deserves to have her head smashed into the still-hot pan until there's enough fried grey matter to make some tasty Dr Lecter's? Tasty Brain Fajitas.  See who gets fucking food poisoning then.

Adverts that fuck me off?  Don't get me started.

[Bogey]

She has the same voice as P. Scales in Fawlty Towers.
Revolting.

Advertisers freely admit making adverts because they're annoying.
This should be a criminal offence. It's also a very sad indictment on the British Public. Boycotting is really easy, you don't have to do anything at all.
I for one resolve never to buy a Brita filter from Curry's.

[imitationleather]

Annoying Ad Case #4858976905: Parazone bog-unstinker.
Another mismatched couple, this time some sort of cockney geezah untainted by the presence of braincells and a posh horsey woman who'd obviously much rather be standing as Tory MP in Harrow or something.
The man is very stupid, obviously, and only capable of saying things like, "Woah!" and, "I love it!" While the woman acts like the sun shines out of her arse just because she's found a product that replaces the smell of stale chod with the whiff of stale batteries and utters the line, "This means we can go down the pub" with all the feeling and flair of a corpse who's somehow landed a role in EastEnders.
Load of fucking shitty bollocks, it is.

[Alberon]

Is the Switch one mentioned in the "©Cook'd and Bomb'd" thread, the one with the 'animated' Pelicans/Toucans? It's absolutely shit, isn't it? Always annoys the hell out of me, reminds me of some bog-standard art by a dumb A-level student who probably has a big picture of a monkey in his/her room (next to the 'ironic' Rainbow one).

That's by Joel Vietch from his rathergood.com site. The ad is a bit shite, but since the guy is responsible for 'Hippo Girl' and the 'Spongmonkeys' I won't have a word said against him, and his trailers on VH-2 are quite good.

[morgs]

I really fancy the girl in the Yes Car Credit adverts....  [And no smart alec comment to finish this remark off.]  

And is the Michael Winner excrement meant to be amusing and oh-so post-modern?

[morgs]

By the way... is there anyone who owns the banned Blackcurrant Tango ad?  Music by Felix - Don't you want me.  Lots of anti-French chanting.  Spokesperson Ray Gardner.  The Boxing Ring.  The White Cliffs Of Dover.  The Harrier Jump Jets.

True class.  Get it online someone!

[Flook]

1. Science-babble in beauty products really makes me rant.
For instance Organic Botanicals "CoQ10" - looks a bit like a chemical formula but is just ludicrous made up bollocks - what they are really saying is 'women...you're so thick you'll buy any old shit as long as we remind you that a) youre a girl and anything a bit sciencey makes you go a bit squiffy and b) you are going to get old and die'

"Dermatologist approved" - just the one then?

"clinically proven to start to visibly reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles in one week" - read it. Read it again. It doesnt actually say anything. AND the 'actress' rubbing the shit into her mush cant be a fucking day over 17.

2. Choclate. Always promoted by the skinniest, blemish-free-est, hippest chicks on the block. Because clearly, despite any prior knowledge you may have, stuffing your face with kitkat does not make you fat or give you spots.

3. McCuntards. Have you noticed they don't sell third world exploitative, cancer ridden shit burgers at all. No no no. Before 6pm, they simply give cute and fluffy toys to happy eager children and in the evening provide trendy hang-out spots for the busy teenager-on-the-town. So very public spirited.


I do quite like the yellow pages one where he cuts the kids hair though.

[Smackhead Kangaroo]

what they are really saying is 'women...you're so thick you'll buy any old shit as long as we remind you that a) youre a girl and anything a bit sciencey makes you go a bit squiffy and b) you are going to get old and die'

Unfortunately whether you believe it or not a lot of women do believe that anything a bit sciencey makes them go a bit squiffy. I've been in the presence of quite a few who watch intently at the nonsensical ad and follow they hollow 'Oooh's with "well that looks good..."
This of course will kick of the most trememndous row if any right thinking people (genreally males unfortunately) are present, sparking the big debate about how, surely after all the various beauty products you've tried in the past, and all ahve yileded similar lacklustre results, you'd surely have enough inductive evidence to reason quite rightly that the next product will be just as shit.
.
..
...
No apparently.

2. Choclate. Always promoted by the skinniest, blemish-free-est, hippest chicks on the block. Because clearly, despite any prior knowledge you may have, stuffing your face with kitkat does not make you fat or give you spots.

Actually I'll have you know I went for a year eating two bars of Milk chocolate Lindt a day (back when there was some offer on them two for £1 or something with no ill effects. MMMM tasty days.
No really no ill effects.

[Alberon]

I really fancy the girl in the Yes Car Credit adverts....  [And no smart alec comment to finish this remark off.]  

She is nice, but - and maybe this is the outfit they have her in - her legs seem way way to short for her.

And is the Michael Winner excrement meant to be amusing and oh-so post-modern?

I hate myself for it, but I do like that.

[Ambient Sheep]

what they are really saying is 'women...you're so thick you'll buy any old shit as long as we remind you that a) youre a girl and anything a bit sciencey makes you go a bit squiffy and b) you are going to get old and die'

Unfortunately whether you believe it or not a lot of women do believe that anything a bit sciencey makes them go a bit squiffy.

Which reminds me, there was that rather amusing shampoo advert a few years ago that actually took the piss out of such ads saying "and now comes the difficult sciencey bit" or something like that.  I couldn't make up my mind whether to love it or hate it.

[thomasina]

'Your hair colour should be as natural as nature intended.'

[Capuchin]

Thank god someone started the thread.

1. The Specsavers ad.
"So, what do you want to tell Your Man?"
"Your glasses make you look like a fuckwit"
"Hey that's okay, specsavers will sort him out with specs that have a slightly slimmer frame and piss about with some shit in his hair, sorted!"

2. The Channel 5 intertitle thing with Jade fucking goody that I at first glance thought was a piss take. She can't even beckon properly.

[Frinky]

Which reminds me, there was that rather amusing shampoo advert a few years ago that actually took the piss out of such ads saying "and now comes the difficult sciencey bit" or something like that.  I couldn't make up my mind whether to love it or hate it.

That was L'oreal (or whatever) and I believe it wasn't a pisstake - it was used for years as a way of making the sciencey bit less complicated.

Here comes' the sciencey bit - concentrate!

Which is a tad patronising, I guess.

[Purple Tentacle]

Boswelox and Aquaspheres.

[Frinky]

What about Shreddies?

It's Too Cool For Geeks! - advert hero is a kid who listens to drum and bass, does that gay Ali-G hand thingy, and says "Wickid."

As I recall, that didn't last long.

[Flook]

Boswelox and Aquaspheres.

Oh my god, I thought you were making those up!

a google led me to here a page absolutely jam packed with the science behind those supposedly active ingredients in skin care products...

COENZYME R - ... found in all living cells. Coenzyme R is synthesized. In the cells it plays important roles in the build-up and maintenance of the adhesive substances of the horny cells, the lipids of the skin as well as in the synthesis of keratin.

well thats that cleared up then

[Evil Knevil]

2. Choclate. Always promoted by the skinniest, blemish-free-est, hippest chicks on the block. Because clearly, despite any prior knowledge you may have, stuffing your face with kitkat does not make you fat or give you spots.

Actually I'll have you know I went for a year eating two bars of Milk chocolate Lindt a day (back when there was some offer on them two for £1 or something with no ill effects. MMMM tasty days.
No really no ill effects.

I've always considered doing spoof adverts that actually tell the true. It'd be quite funny, albeit I'd get sued.

In any case, a single mars a day will actually cause an an average 150lb woman to gain about a stone in a year. Now that would be a good advert!

[Sivead]

The Cheese String calcium deficiency one, the ad is horrible but what is that shit? it's like whan you pull blue tack apart slowly and it stretches and goes stoft and erm..... stringy.

[Morrisfan82]

Not just air freshener ads, but the entire air freshener industry.

"Oh my god! Someone's turned up unexpectedly at my house and I've just been eating chips! What WILL they think of me?! Quick, perhaps if I hide the plate under my Habitat sofa and spray some scented shite into the air then none of my friends from the insecure middle-class wives' coffee morning society will notice that I've actually been doing some LIVING in my HOUSE."

"Hello, I am your insecurities manifested in the format of an imaginarily-talking toilet. Clearly you are so out of touch with humanity that you cannot actually bring yourself to piss your prissy judgemental cunt into a toilet that smells a bit toiletty. I'd wait till you get home, where you can control the minutest aspects of your immediate environment and get back to forgetting about your non-contribution of anything worthwhile to society."

[Dr David V]

Oh, what abouit those Co-Op ones with the singing CGI bees, doing their own version of the Jim'll Fix It theme, making it relevant to fair-trade chocolate?

And every single Delprado or Deagonisti magazine advert ever made.

And this isn't really an advert from hell, but what are those Channel 4 adverts all about? There's 2 I think - one where Channel 4 'stars' say their favourite word, and another one where they say a lot of different ages which, although not mentioned, seem to me to be the age they first had sex. Someone tell me how that advertises the channel, especially when you would have to be watching the channel to see the advert anyway.

[Still Not George]

Well, I've just seen the Pensions "Pick it up... it's yours." ad.
Almost immediately after it finished, I had a mental image of a bunch of pound coins superglued to the floor and some grinning Dennis Pennis-style ginger standing nearby chanting "pick it up - it's yours", then watching in hilarity as the arthritic old fuckers strain to scratch it off the floor.

Does this make me a bad person?

I've always considered doing spoof adverts that actually tell the true. It'd be quite funny, albeit I'd get sued.

I think it's something we all consider from time to time. Cerys' masterpiece involved the jingle:

Jam Rags: Slap em on your MIIIIINGE!

I just want to see other ads done like the Ronseal "Oi! Fucker! Use Ronseal or I'll break your fucking face!" adverts.

McDonalds: "While we may sell shite burgers, you won't find these delicious apple pies anywhere else. So you don't have a choice, do you?"

Claims Direct: "Have you had a pissy fall that was entirely your fault but happened on someone else's premises? Has it left any marks which will be visible long enough to be photographed? Then call Claims Direct, and together we'll make a shedload of money out of our crappy excuse for a legal system.
Claims Direct - because they can all afford it really"

[Dr David V]

Not in my eyes, because if I someone's glued a pound coin to the ground I'll get a hammer and chisel, then bash away. It will serve the little 'hilarious' bitches right to lose their precious pound.

Oh, there's that new Coke one too, the one that looks like the Unfinished Sympathy video, with the song sounding like a cross between I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing and Lord Won't You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz, itself the music of another annoying advert.

[Morrisfan82]

Oh, there's that new Coke one too, the one that looks like the Unfinished Sympathy video, with the song sounding like a cross between I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing and Lord Won't You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz, itself the music of another annoying advert.

It looks like she's just nicked a load of bottles of Coke from the shop round that corner.

[Dr David V]

Claims Direct: "Have you had a pissy fall that was entirely your fault but happened on someone else's premises? Has it left any marks which will be visible long enough to be photographed? Then call Claims Direct, and together we'll make a shedload of money out of our crappy excuse for a legal system.
Claims Direct - because they can all afford it really"

Oh, this reminds me of something I did with a friend a while back (ex-VW The Almighty Face)

Have you been injured in an accident? Have you tripped and hurt your knee? Did you knock your head on a shelf and have the inclination to make lots of money? Well, Directloin is for you!

Mr Bovinelike scraped his finger on an unfriendly stapler at work. Unlike real people, he thought he might want to make a no win no claim fee. Um.

MR BOVINELIKE: After my wound I called DirectLoin. They were very helpful. Staplers are now banned in my Croydon branch and I made Nine Hundred Million Pounds.

Then there was Janet Carden. When spinning around in a wide room to take it all in she bent her toe slightly further back than it's supposed to go. She made thirty-three thousand million pounds.

Do you find yourself hurt because of a mishap that wasn't your fault? Perhaps insufficient instructions are given on a label. Mr Cacks was battering his face with a breezeblock, unaware that it was so hard.

MR CACKS: The people didn't tell me that it was dangerous. I hurt my head and had to go to hospital. But DirectLoin got me seven hundred billion pounds.

There you have it.

MR CACKS: DirectLoin made me lots of money and now I have five wives and my own jet.

Go on! Hurt yourself and make some money! Remember, it's no win no claim...shit, no...oh, bollocks.