INCONSEQUENTIAL WALLACE AND GROMIT.

[Huxleys Babkins]

WALLACE: Look at this. I've invented the worlds first urine powered electric toothbrush! Pee in me mouth would you, lad?

GROMIT: ...

[Glebe]

WALLACE: Gromit, I-

GROMIT: -SHUSH, Wallace. Just leave things be. Just leave things be.

[Huxleys Babkins]

GROMIT: Back from the shops, mate. Got some chicken liver pâté for the crackers. Make a nice change.

WALLACE: Out.

[Glebe]

WALLACE (dull eyed, unshaven, sitting in his chair): 8AM. Rose. Breakfast. 11AM. Shops. Bought bread, newspaper. 1PM. Took walk. 3PM. Early dinner. Bath. 5PM. Watched Home and Away. 6PM. Made cup of tea. Considered ending it all.

GROMIT starts to cry.

[Glebe]

GROMIT: Wallace, come quick! There's a new anthropomorphic animal in town, and he's causing all sorts of havoc! Quick, throw together some kind of contraption to combat him, I'll rustle us up some toasted cheese sandwiches for the journey!

WALLACE: Nah, Gromit. I've learned my lesson now. Now more adventures for me, mate. No more adventures for me.

GROMIT: But Wallace, it's really happening, mate! It's really happening!

For just a brief instance, the old fire reignites in Wallace's eyes. But it quickly dies out again and, ignoring Gromit's protestations, he switches over to this afternoon's Dickinson's Real Deal.

[Glebe]

GROMIT: Wallace? Wallace?

The cellar door is open. Gromit creeps down.

GROMIT: Wallace, what are you doing down here?

WALLACE: Just getting ready for the end, lad. Please come and join me.... plenty of supplies...

GROMIT: I'd wondered where all the tinned foot went. Wow, you've got everything down here... food, containers of water, clothes, blankets, your Swiss army knife...

WALLACE: It's the end, lad. The end. Nuclear Armageddon is just around the corner. Either that, or an advanced alien race will wipe us out. Take y'pick.

GROMIT: Look, Wallace, don't you think you had better snap out of this now? You're acting mighty bloody strange, mate. Everything is calm out there... come out side with me and I'll show you...

WALLACE: No, lad. Not taking any chances.

GROMIT: Okay, then. I'll pop outside and come back, just to prove to you that there's nothing to be frightened of. Fair enough?

WALLACE: Okay then. But on your head be it.

GROMIT: Right.

A few minutes later:

GROMIT: FUCK ME, It's like something out of Threads out there! Budge over, mate!

[H-O-W-L]

Wallace trumps in the presence of Wendolene Ramsbottom, and blames it on Gromit. She doesn't believe him, but she keeps schtum for his sake. He's getting old. The hair's wearing thin. Not long now.

[Glebe]

GROMIT has been taking himself walkies... little of consequence happened during his outing, natch, but as he arrives home he hears a commotion from the house:

WALLACE: Gromit, lad, come in, come in! While you were out, I organised a massive rave, we're all off our faces and I'm sure the police will be round any minute, but fuck 'im!

GROMIT: Well fuck me. Good on you, Wallace. Good on you.

[madhair60]

I bloody adore this thread.

[Huxleys Babkins]

WALLACE (reading the newspaper): Oh my word. Look at this, lad. They've banned cheese now.

GROMIT: ...

WALLACE: A man can't enjoy anything in his own country now. They should just round them up and deport them. Vermin, the lot of them.

GROMIT: Fucking hell, mate.

[Dead Soon]

(Wallace is dancing alone in his bedroom to 'Dirrty' by Christina Aguilera, adorned only in his unwashed briefs. The sequence lasts for a punishingly uninterrupted length of time before Gromit happens to wander past and spies the ungainly spectacle)

GROMIT: Fuck me I wish that penguin had gotten him killed.

[Glebe]

WALLACE: Gromit.

GROMIT: Wallace.

WALLACE: Gromit.

GROMIT: Wallace.

Both nod and go about their respective business, safe in the knowledge that nothing of any real consequence will ever befall them again.

[Glebe]

GROMIT: Hello Wallace how are you today let's go walkies.

WALLACE: Nah mate that's too close to having an 'adventure'.