INCONSEQUENTIAL WALLACE AND GROMIT.

[Replies From View]

WALLACE:  They're Techno Trousers.  Fantastic for walkies!

TECHNO TROUSERS:  There's no limit, no no, no-no no no.

*GROMIT does eyebrows*

[Glebe]

ZOO ANIMAL: So like it's really funny hearing real people talking about things but it's plasticine animals saying 'em.

GROMIT: Eh?!

WALLACE: No that's Creature Comforts. That's Creature Comforts.

[Glebe]

HOLLYWOOD STAR-VOICED COCKEREL: We're being kept in here by the Zionists! *downs bottle of whiskey*

WALLACE: Chicken Run. That's Chicken Run.

[Glebe]

RATTY: Hello and welcome to The Wind in the Willows.

WALLACE: That was Cosgrove Hall.

[Spoon of Ploff]

WALLACE: ahhhhlll... cheeeeese

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-TBygIY2lo

[Glebe]

WALLACE: Er, I'm just going upstairs for a while, Gromit.

GROMIT: Right you are then, Wallace mate.

Heard through the ceiling:

WALLACE: Ugh, ooh, oh yes Shaun!

SHAUN: BAAAAAAAA!!!

[Replies From View]

WALLACE:  Just putting up some wallpaper for you, Gromit.  It has bones as a pattern instead of fish.  You like bones, don't you, lad.

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE:  Because you are a dog, and dogs chew bones.  Right, that should do it.  Let the glue dry before you try walking on it with the Techno Trousers, Gromit.  I'm off to make a lovely cup of tea.

[Replies From View]

WALLACE:  Nothing to keep us from eating all the cheese in the house should we wish to, Gromit!

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE:  Right, that should do it, Gromit.  I have brought into the living room all the cheese from the fridge.  Nothing to stop us from eating it should we wish to!!

[Replies From View]

WALLACE:  What a lovely day, Gromit.  We should go and eat our cheese in the garden.

GROMIT perks up and leads the way to the sunny outdoors.

WALLACE:  On the other hand...

GROMIT:  ...


WALLACE and GROMIT are in the gloomy basement getting no fresh air.  They don't seem to be doing anything in particular, though.

WALLACE:  Tell you what, Gromit lad.

GROMIT shows no change in features.

WALLACE:  Let's see what the weather's like outside.  You like walkies, don't you lad.

GROMIT:  ....

WALLACE:  Oooh speaking of which!


WALLACE is walking on a treadmill inside a wardrobe.  GROMIT is watching him.

WALLACE:  Fantastic this!  A bit tight, here and there!  We'll call him Shaun, eh?  Come on, Shaun!!

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE:  Right, that should do it, Gromit.  Time for a lovely cup of tea.

[Replies From View]

WALLACE:  Did we go to bed last night, Gromit?

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE:  I can't for the life of me recall whether we went to bed or not.

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE:  Oh, that's right, we did go to bed.  You went to bed and so did I.  Crisis averted Gromit!


Later that day...

WALLACE:  Gromit, you will recall we forgot to go to bed last night.  Well, even though we are not very tired I suggest we get an early night tonight to make up for it.

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE:  We will regret it if we don't.

[Gwen Taylor on ITV]

Wendolene: sorry Wallace I get a right allergic reaction from that cheese.

Wallace: oh you stupid fucking cunt

END

[Dead Soon]

WALLACE: One of these days - bam, zoom, straight to the moon!

GROMIT: ...

WALLACE: But, I've already made a start on the rocket, old chum.

GROMIT: ...

WALLACE: Moon cheese is the last cheese left for me to try... perhaps I should have started with the hardest obstacle rather than putting it off until now.

GROMIT: ...

WALLACE: Well, the rocket would probably burn up at some point anyway.

[Glebe]

TONY HART: Here Morph, have you seen Mr. Bennett around?

MORPH: No mate, haven't a scooby where he is pal.

TONY HART: Oh, alright then. How are you, anyway?

MORPH: Not bad, Hart of the studio, not bad. I hear Aardman aren't going to do Wallace and Gromit, missing out on a fortune. They're just not arsed mate.

TONY HART: Oh I see. Well, it's a painstaking process to animate. (to camera) Anyway, let's take a look at the amateurish shit you've sent into The Gallery.

Music.

[Glebe]

WALLACE: They done a new one, about cavemen or summit. I imagine we might appear in it, in an amusing cameo, eh, Gromit?

GROMIT: Yeah probably but we've had our day mate that's it.

[Gregory Torso]

(Wallace and Gromit are sitting at the breakfast table. A clotted, putrefying hillock of old cheese rises before them.)

WALLACE: Now then, cheese hill. Today we shall conquer thee. What do you think, Gromit old lad, shall we gorge ourselves on cheese?

(12 hours pass)

(Wallace and Gromit are sitting at the breakfast table. The disgusting, rotting hump of bad dairy is, if anything, larger than before.)

WALLACE: Well I don't think we've accomplished much today.

[Gregory Torso]

(Wallace is standing in the middle of the living room. Gromit watches from the breakfast table.)

WALLACE: Gromit lad, watch this. I am going to place this cup onto that shelf.

(A full 24 hours pass.)

WALLACE: Almost there! Are you watching, Gromit?

[madhair60]

Wallace ties a noose at the foot of the bed, knowing that come breakfast time his pain will finally be over.

[Replies From View]

WALLACE presses a button beside his bed.  Down in the kitchen, a bulb is flashing.  For his own amusement, GROMIT has changed the label next to the bulb so that instead of saying "BREAKFAST" it simply says "LIGHTBULB".

WALLACE (shouting through house from his bed):  Morning, Gromit!

GROMIT eats minced meat from his bowl.  ^{_{Without having a mouth.}}

WALLACE enters kitchen wearing pyjamas.

WALLACE:  In my youth, Gromit, all of these houses were fields.

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE:  Speaking of which, all the more for us!!

WALLACE tucks into cheese.

[Gregory Torso]

(Wallace is sitting on the floor in the shadow of the enormous expired cheese slump, which is now capped with a white fuzzy mold. Wallace is pinching his lips and nose together, so that they make a kind of beak.)

WALLACE: Gromit. Gromit. Gromit. Look, Gromit. Look at me. Look. I'm a seagull, Gromit. This is my beak.

(His lower face is now moulded into a beak. He begins to work on his eyes, stretching them.)

WALLACE: Gromit. Look. My eyes. I'm becoming Chinese. Look. I'm some kind of Chinese bird, Gromit. And now... my head, I think.

(Wallace starts to tweak his head, forming it up into a cone shape.)

WALLACE: I'm, look at me. I'm a monster. Gromit. Look. Look, I'm taking my ears off now. They are coming off. And I'm going to roll them up into a little pudgy ball. Are you there, Gromit, behind the cheese? I can't see too well.

(Wallace now resembles a kind of racist pterodactyl)

WALLACE: Oh dear. I'm not sure why I did that. It'll be ages before I can get me head back to normal. More cheese, Gromit?

(The dog does not respond.)

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

WALLACE: This cheese is very good, Gromit

* GROMIT DOES NOT RESPOND, BECAUSE HE IS A DOG *

* WALLACE BREAKS DOWN INTO FLOODS OF TEARS, WHICH GO NICELY WITH HIS SELF-LOATHING AND SELF-RECRIMINATION *

* A SERVANT OF GOVERNMENT WALKS IN, AND ARRESTS WALLACE FOR NON-POSSESSION OF DOG LICENCE. *

[Replies From View]

WALLACE:  Now, Gromit.  Shall we get the morning started?

GROMIT starts putting on motorcycle helmet.

WALLACE:  Nice cup of tea to get the tastebuds warmed up, then we shall be on our way!

GROMIT blankly removes helmet.

WALLACE:  Kettle!

GROMIT pauses.  Looks at WALLACE blankly.  Goes into the back room and comes back holding a kettle in his mouth ^{_{even though he doesn't have one}}.  WALLACE takes it from him and places it on the nearest kitchen surface.

WALLACE:  Stove!

GROMIT double-takes.  Goes into the back room and returns dragging a gas stove.  WALLACE stands it upright.

WALLACE:  Gas!

GROMIT sighs with his eyes and shakes his head sadly.  Goes into the back room and returns rolling a large bottle of gas on the floor.  WALLACE stands it upright inside the stove.

WALLACE:  Water!

GROMIT heads into the back room and returns holding a pan of water in his ^{_non-existent} mouth.  WALLACE takes the pan and pours the water into the kettle.

WALLACE:  Tea!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into back room and returns with a box of loose tea leaves.  WALLACE takes the box and places it on the kitchen surface.

WALLACE pauses for a fraction longer than usual.

WALLACE:  Teapot!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into back room and returns with a teapot.  WALLACE takes it and places it on the kitchen surface.

WALLACE:  Tea strainer!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into back room and returns with a tea strainer.  WALLACE takes it and places it on the kitchen surface.

WALLACE:  Milk!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into back room and returns with a bottle of milk.  WALLACE takes it and places it on the kitchen surface.

WALLACE:  Mugs!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into back room and returns with two mugs.  WALLACE takes them and places them on the kitchen surface.

WALLACE pauses for a fraction longer than usual.

WALLACE:  That should be it for the tea, Gromit!  Let's see what's on the 905!

GROMIT:  ...

The train appears, hooting.  There is a wrapped gift on it.

WALLACE:  Ooh, Gromit!  I wonder what this could be!!

WALLACE grabs the gift from the passing train and places it, unopened, on the kitchen surface.

WALLACE:  And that's only the first part!  Come and have a look in here!!

WALLACE leads GROMIT into the same back room that GROMIT has been fetching all the tea items from.

WALLACE:  Now, where's me gas stove?  That's strange, Gromit.  I normally keep it in here, I'm sure of it.  What do you think could have happened, Gromit?  Thieves?

GROMIT nods towards the stove standing in the middle of the kitchen.

WALLACE:  Great heavens above, Gromit!  How'd it get in there?  Well we haven't a second to lose, lad, we'd better put it back in here before the thief finishes the job!

GROMIT removes the gas bottle from the stove and rolls it into the back room.  WALLACE stands it upright back in its original place.

WALLACE:  And the stove itself, Gromit, come on.

GROMIT stares.  He drags the gas stove towards the back room, and WALLACE puts it back in place.

WALLACE:  Kettle!

GROMIT pauses.  Looks at WALLACE blankly.  Fetches the kettle.  Empties it of water into the sink, and returns to the back room.  WALLACE takes the kettle from him and stows it in the correct place.

WALLACE:  Pan!

GROMIT heads into the kitchen and returns holding the pan that he originally used to carry the water.  WALLACE takes it and stows it away.

WALLACE:  Tea!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into kitchen and returns with the box of loose tea leaves.  WALLACE takes the box and stows it away.

WALLACE pauses for a fraction longer than usual.

WALLACE:  Teapot!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into kitchen and returns with the teapot.  WALLACE takes it and stows it away.

WALLACE:  Tea strainer!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into kitchen and returns with the tea strainer.  WALLACE takes it and stows it away.

WALLACE:  Milk!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into kitchen and returns with the bottle of milk.  WALLACE takes it and stows it away.

WALLACE:  Mugs!

GROMIT stares.  Goes into kitchen and returns with the two mugs.  WALLACE takes them and stows them away.

WALLACE pauses for a fraction longer than usual.

WALLACE:  That's another crisis averted, Gromit!  Let's see what's on the 905!

[Replies From View]

WALLACE is watching television with visible glee.  GROMIT is sitting next to him, looking in the same direction, but his stare is blank.

WALLACE:  Won't you look at this, Gromit!  All about how they make animation in television and films!

GROMIT:  ...

VOICE:  Move it a tiny bit more, like this.  Then take a photo of that.

WALLACE:  Mind-bending isn't it, Gromit!  It must take so long!

VOICE:  ...gives the illusion of movement.

ANOTHER VOICE:  How long does it take to create a half hour of animated television?

GROMIT is beginning to fall asleep.

WALLACE (suddenly turning off the television):  Tell you what, Gromit lad!

GROMIT snaps back awake.

WALLACE:  Anything they can do, I can do better, eh!  Let's get this morning started!

WALLACE leaves living room.

GROMIT:  ...

GROMIT follows.


The door of the basement opens.  WALLACE and GROMIT are briefly silhouetted before they descend the iconic basement staircase.  They arrive at WALLACE's workbench.

WALLACE:  We will need a camera and some plasticine, lad.

GROMIT stares.  He goes out of frame and returns with the items.  WALLACE sets them up.

WALLACE:  We may as well get the characters right, Gromit.  No point rushing this bit or we'll regret it later on.  Animation involves a perfectionist mind, you know.  And a great deal of patience.

WALLACE moulds a green dragon out of plasticine as GROMIT stares at him blankly.  The dragon looks rubbish.

WALLACE:  Okay Gromit lad, I suspect a dragon would breathe fire, what do you say.

GROMIT:  ...

WALLACE sets up the camera properly and takes a photo of his standing dragon.

WALLACE:  A magnificent beast.  Now, you won't believe this, Gromit.  I'm going to make him breathe fire and it will look so realistic it will take your breath away.

GROMIT is drifting towards sleep again. 

WALLACE holds his hand out, as if expecting something.

WALLACE:  Orange plasticine!

GROMIT opens his eyes and examines the table.  There is no orange plasticine.

WALLACE:  What's the matter?




[TO BE CONTINUED]

[Replies From View]

WALLACE:  Er, Gromit?  You know we're doing the clock tomorrow...?

GROMIT looks at him.


The next day.  WALLACE takes the clock down from the living room wall.  GROMIT is looking at him.

WALLACE:  Now it's important we wind the clock forward one hour like everybody else in the country, Gromit, or we will find ourselves late for all our appointments.

GROMIT nods.

WALLACE finishes fiddling with the clock and puts it back on the wall.

WALLACE:  No more missed appointments for us, lad.  More trouble than they're worth!

[Replies From View]

WALLACE (calling into the living room from the kitchen):  And that's only the first part!  Come and have a look in here!!

Sound of scrabbling dog footsteps as GROMIT does as he is told.  He appears in the kitchen doorway and peers into the gloom.

WALLACE has his cock out, and is grinning.  GROMIT jumps back a little.

WALLACE (still grinning; gestures to his cock):  What do you think of that then, Gromit?  Our paying guest!!

GROMIT quickly scrabbles back into the living room.

WALLACE (mumbling to himself):  Well that's a fine how-do-you-do, isn't it.

[Replies From View]

WALLACE (finally putting his cock away after waiting in vain for two whole days for GROMIT to reenter the kitchen):  Our paying guest...!!

[Glebe]

LADY BONHAM CARTER: You live alone with your dog, whom you carry out full conversations with.

WALLACE: Yes, fancy a date?

LADY: No.

WALLACE: Some cheeeeeese?!?

LADY: No. Where's the Were-Rabbit?

GROMIT: Nah it's gone mate the end.

[Glebe]

WALLACE: Gromit lad, should I invent some wacky inventions? Tap y'paw once for yes, twice for no.

GROMIT: *TAP TAP*

[Glebe]

GROMIT: I suppose we're going to have some kind of wacky plasticine adventure?

WALLACE: Not this time, Gromit.

THE END.

[Glebe]

WALLACE: I am clinically depressed Gromit, and shall stay in bed for the week.

GROMIT: Well that's put a damper on adventures.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Wallace: I'm sidelined, lad! This flu's done me for a Burton! It's all on you now lad. Go forth lad. Lad, lad, lad.

Gromit: *Shrugs, farts, goes to sleep*
..