NOEL'S HOUSE PARTY BUT NOEL HAS BEEN EVICTED FROM THE PREMISES

[Glebe]

NOEL (his head poking through a loose slate): Hello and welcome to the house partys.

PRODUCER (to bailiff): Remove him.

[Glebe]

NOEL: Hello and welcome to Noel's Path Party, which I am filming on my camcorder on a path beside the grounds of Crinkley Bottom, and there's frig all the bailiffs can do about it!

[Huxleys Babkins]

DLT: And welcome tonight's special guest to DLT's House Party, Noel Edmonds!

NOEL: Good to see you again, Dave. Thanks for having me.

DLT: *visibly sweating* Any time Noel. Do you fancy doing the rest of the show?

NOEL: Oh, wow, what a wonderful gesture. I'd lov-

MICHAEL LEGGO: Cut! What the hell is going on Dave? You know he's not allowed in here. Do you not remember when he Gotcha'd you?

DLT: It's fine, Mike. I told him it would be fine.

NOEL: That's right, Mike. Dave knows what's good for him.

DLT: Alright, mate. You know what we agreed.

MICHAEL LEGGO: Bailiffs!

THE BAILIFFS CHARGE EDMONDS, BUT TRAVIS TACKLES THEM BOTH TO THE GROUND. THE MIGHT OF G4 SECURITY IS NO MATCH FOR THE HAIRY CORNFLAKE.

MICHAEL LEGGO: I'm calling the police. And Bobby Davro.

DLT: Please, Mike, I'm begging you. He's got... Polaroids... Radio 1 Roadshow... 1981... Me, Batesy and Mike Read... The hotel bar... She said she was 17, Mike... Please, Mike...

NOEL: Quick, Blobby. Whilst they're distracted. Get my case up to my room.

BLOBBY RUNS IN WITH NOEL'S CASE, BUT IN TRUE BLOBBY STYLE HE PRATFALLS AND DROPS THE CONTENTS, NOTHING BUT PAIRS OF COMEDY Y-FRONTS, ALL OVER THE HALLWAY.

NOEL: Oh, for fucks sake.

[Glebe]

FLOOR MANAGER: Oh, who could that be at the door?

BURT REYNOLDS: Did somebody call my name?

FLOOR MANAGER: It's Burt Reynolds, everybody!

AUDIENCE: YAAAY!!!

NOEL (behind BURT): Good one with that Specsavers ad, Burt, nice little earner I imagine!

FLOOR MANAGER: Security, we have a situation here. Call the bailiff.

[H-O-W-L]

And now a look at tomorrow's headlines. Sun leading with the Edmonds controversy with 'NOEL CHANCE FOR BUM HOST', the Grauniad also following with "Eomnds Buggerd by Studyo Reps", and the Mirror has "Fat Gerbil Fucked My Mum, and Edmonds is At Fault".

[Huxleys Babkins]

SANJEEV BHASKAR: And coming up next, STV. We could be coming to you!

VOICE OFF-STAGE: Booooo. You're shit mate.

*DING DONG*

SANJEEV BHASKAR: OK, I think there's someone at the door.

VOICE OFF-STAGE: Had quotas to fill, did they? PC gone mad this is.

SANJEEV BHASKAR: Oh, look... It's... Mate, you can't be here.

NOEL: Hey, House Party fans. Daddy's home!

VOICE OFF-STAGE: Oh, it's that old cunt and all. This show is shit. Absolute shit.

SANJEEV BHASKAR: Wait, I thought that was you. The floor manager said you'd try something like that.

NOEL: Not me, mate. I just come to the door, try to get onto the show and the bailiffs twat me one. I've made my peace with it now. Life moves on.

VOICE OFF-STAGE: I'll show these pricks how the Takeaway is done.

*ANT MCPARTLIN, STAGGERS DRUNK ONTO THE STAGE. HE TRIPS OVER THE BOTTOM STAIR, BANGING HIS HEAD ON THE OCCASIONAL TABLE.*

ANT: Wonky fucking donkey! ... Where's the other cunt?

[Glebe]

MATTHEW KELLY: Tonight, everyone, I'm gonna be Noel!

NOEL: Not if I can fucking help it, mate!

The balliffs chase Noel round the studio and out the door.

[Glebe]

NOEL: Surprize surprize, campers, it's me, er, 'Peggy Kelly' off of, er, something, filling in for-

BAILIFF: Alright, take the wig off, Noel. We know it's you.

[Glebe]

BAILIFF: Come on, Noel, out, there's a good chap.

NOEL: But this is a BBC studio, not my actual house!

BAILIFF: Oh yeah he's got us there, fair enough.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Int. Prison Holding Cell.

Noel: Hahahaha *slapping knees in feigned mirth* Well viewers, it looks like I'm the one who's been Gotchad this time, good and proper.

Passing Officer: Sir, if you don't stop being hysterical we'll have to send for the medic.

Noel: The only question is which of my great former targets has turned the table on me! Eddie Large, possibly? Ho ho, this could be just the sort of scheme he'd cook up.

Passing Officer: Sir, you know very well you're here for ignoring your eviction notice.

Noel: Maybe it was Blobby himself, eh viewers? Wouldn't THAT be a turn up for the books!

Passing Officer: There are no cameras there, Mr Edmonds. You're not on TV. Well, apart from your cells CCTV camera of course?

Noel: NTV!!!! Wow, this must be an end of series special or something.

Passing Officer: Bollocks to it. Susan, pass me the taser.

[Glebe]

^Eviction Karma.

[Glebe]

NOEL: I'm back! Now, on tonight's... hey, put that table down!

BAILIFF: We're selling all your assets. As for you, off the premises, lad.

[Glebe]

NIGHT WATCHMAN: Alright Blobby, what are you doing here?

BLOBBY: I just came back to collect a few things.

NIGHT WATCHMEN: Righto, I'll let you in. Fancy a coffee? I've got the kettle on in the guard house.

BLOBBY: No, no. Just let me into the house.

NIGHT WATCHMEN: You alright, Blobby? You seem a bit jumpy, lad!

BLOBBY: Nah, nah, I'm fine... now just let me in to the house!

NIGHT WATCHMAN: Hang on, something's up, here... you're not Blobby!

BLOBBY: No, no, it is me! Er, 'blobby, blobby!' and that!

NIGHT WATCHMAN: Is that you in the suit, Noel?

NOEL IN BLOBBY SUIT: No, of course not!

NIGHT WATCHMAN: Come on, mate. I wasn't born yesterday.

NOEL IN BLOBBY SUIT: Alright, it is me... but look, please, I just want to collect a few things, I shan't be a moment, honest!

NIGHT WATCHMAN: You just stay there, mate. I'm phoning the bailiffs.

[Glebe]

NOEL: Good evening and welcome to Live from the Crinkley Bottom Driveway-

BAILIFF: Off.

[Huxleys Babkins]

BLOBBY: Blobby, Blobby, Blobby!

*DING DONG*

BLOBBY: Ohhhhh, Blobby!

NOEL: Hello N-Fans, it's me again! Back once again for the Hou-

BLOBBY: Blobby!

NOEL: Alright, mate. Just you remember who gave you your break. Who put you where you are now.

BLOBBY: Blobby, Blobby!

NOEL: How does the show even work now? You can't say anything other than "Blobby".

BLOBBY: Blobby, Blobby, Blobby!

*Blobby hands Noel a Gotcha statue*

NOEL: I bloody knew it! You rascals!

*The Gotcha has a small speaker in the base*

GOTCHA: This is a message for Mr. Edmonds from Sharpton's Solicitors on behalf of our client. You are trespassing on private property. Please remove yourself from the premises or we will use necessary force to remove you.

BLOBBY: Blobby!

[Glebe]

BOB MONKHOUSE: Hello and welcome to the all-new House Party, with me-

DOOR: KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!

MONKHOUSE: Oh, hang on...

POSTIE: Alright mate, could you sign for this?

MONKHOUSE: He doesn't live here no more... have we got a forwarding address?

[Glebe]

FLOOR MANAGER (standing in for Noel): Oh! Who could that be at the door? Sigh... it's you, Noel, in disguise as Del-Boy.

NOEL DRESSED AS DEL: 'Lovely jumbles, Rodney you conker'... oh look, David Jason cancelled and I just thought I'd try my luck.

BAILIFF: Out.

[Glebe]

A play in Brighton.

LIONEL BLAIR: Who could that be at the door?

NOEL: Alright, Lionel! Just need to pop in for a sec!

LIONEL B.: Look, just give me the Gotcha Oscar and fuck off, would you?

NOEL: Eh?! This is Crinkley Bottom, isn't it?

LIONEL: Are you on drugs, Noel?

VICKI MICHELLE: Again?

[JoeyBananaduck]

Noel (pounding on the Great House door): Let me in! Let me in! I know I've tried to sneak in in the past but this time it's really important! This box I have can cure cancer!

Blobby: Bollocks, mate.

[Glebe]

CAMERA #2: Hi, I'd just like to come out from behind the camera to express how much I admire Mr. Edmonds. He-

BAILIFF: That's Noel in disguise! After him!

[Glebe]

WALLACE: Hello, everyone! Me and Gromit are filling in for Noel tonight! It's great, i'n't it, lad?

*WALLACE looks into Camera #2, shakes his head and sighs. The audience laughs. Suddenly, there is a knock at the Crinkley Bottom door.

WALLACE: Ooh, I wonder who that could be, lad, and, er, audience? Let's see, shall we?

It's Noel, natch.

NOEL: I've endured a merry list of rotating stand-ins up until now, but I'm not having you pair of plasticine twats crossover from the W&G thread into mine! And anyway, you have to be animated over a painstaking load of time in order to move, doesn't make sense!

BLOBBY: BLOBBY!

GROMIT chases BLOBBY round the studio 'til he falls over, then tears him a new one.

[Huxleys Babkins]

NURSE: Sorry sir, can I help you? You seem lost.

NOEL: No need to worry, sister. I'm here with Sky for Noel's Christmas Presents. I've brought these treats for the sick kiddies.

*Noel is carrying an old, faded Tesco's carrier bag full of smashed up custard cream biscuits*

NURSE: Sorry, you can't be here without permission. Who did you arrange this with?

NOEL: It was the boss of the NHS. We have every right to be he- What the fuck is he doing here?

RUSS ABBOTT: Alright, Noel. We're here doing Russ' Christmas Presents. We don't want any trouble.

NOEL: But Russ, I've got nothing left. Jimmy Tarbuck is doing the House Party, Freddie Starr is doing Telly Addicts and Lisa Riley's got Deal or No Deal. Les Dennis even bought the rights to the Late, Late Breakfast Show even though they'll never broadcast it. The prick.

RUSS ABBOTT: Tell you what, Noel. I'm taking the wife out for her birthday next Saturday. Why don't you swing by and I'll let you do the Madhouse.

NOEL: Really? Oh, Russ, mate. You're a star. You don't know what this means to me.

*SATURDAY NIGHT*

NOEL: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to...

TARBUCK: Gotcha!

NOEL: ... You absolute cun-

*Noel is tackled by two bailiffs*

TARBUCK: You know the rules, mate. No closer than 20 feet to the House Party. *spits in Noel's face*

[Glebe]

MAGGIE PHILBIN: I'm filling in on Deal or No Deal.

EDMONDS: Not having that, mate.

[Huxleys Babkins]

BOBBY DAVRO: And I'll be shagging your wife.

NOEL: Again?

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

NOEL: Hello, viewers.

BAILIFF: Get  Out.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Noel: Good evening and wel-WUAARGHHH!!

[Alberon]

NIGHTWATCHMAN: [to walkie talkie] Control, do you know why there's a woodchipper on the House Party set?

CONTROL: Are you sure? There's no way health and safety would allow one of those to be used in a studio.

NIGHTWATCHMAN: Course I'm sure. It's a bloody big one and all. How did they get it in here. Hold on, there's someone hiding behind it. Who's there?

NOEL: Haven't you been reading the thread? Surely it's obvious by now.

NIGHTWATCHMAN: What?!? Oh Christ, it's that nutter Edmonds! You're banned from here!

NOEL: [Cranks the woodchipper into life] Don't you understand? Without the House Party I am nothing. I have always been here and I always will be!! Good luck finding all of me!!

NIGHTWATCHMAN: All of you? What are you— No! Stay away from there!!

NOEL: [Noel levers himself up onto the woodchipper and jumps in legs first. Blood, gore and bone chips splatter against the front door and gunge tank. With a blissful smile Noel disappears into the machine.] I'm home! I'm home forever!

[In seconds the set, the lights and even the cameras are coated in Noel Edmonds. He seeps into the cracks in the set, the smallest holes in the floor. He is, at last, finally and inseparably reunited with his greatest creation.]

[JoeyBananaduck]

The Great House is burned to the ground the next day due to an electrical fault caused by the industrial sized woodchipper.

[Huxleys Babkins]

MRS EDMONDS: Noel, I think this is the happiest I've seen you in a long time.

NOEL: You're absolutely right *checks Wikipedia* Liz. All that effort trying to get back in that bloody mansion to do the House Party. Who knew that my happiness would be here, eating a relaxing breakfast, retired in our little bungalow.

MRS EDMONDS: I don't miss having to treat the wounds you'd get from those ghastly bailiffs.

NOEL: The irony now is that they can't trust that I won't turn up, so they've got those bailiffs on a retainer. It'll be costing them a fortune!

MRS EDMONDS: Another croissant?

NOEL: Thanks, love.

MRS EDMONDS: I was thinking that we could pop into the garden centre tomorrow. I wanted to look at some cushions for the patio furniture.

NOEL: Good idea, love. When we're done, maybe we could pop into Holmans, have a look at the Grab a Grand cabinets.

MRS EDMONDS: Noel...

NOEL: I'm not buying anything! I just like to have a look. Keep my hand in.

MRS EDMONDS: That's what you said just before you ordered 30 gallons of gunge off Ebay.

NOEL: The mouse slipped.

MRS EDMONDS: And that crate of fake, comedy newspapers.

NOEL: I needed them to put down in the aviary! Come on, I've moved on. You know that. We all have. Even I'm man enough to admit that Chris Moyles has taken the House Party to new heights. It needed fresh blood and a new format. I'm pleased for them.

MRS EDMONDS: As long as you don't do anything silly. Remember that time you tried to buy the BBC?

NOEL: You know that was the antidepressants.

MRS EDMONDS: I know dear.

[Huxleys Babkins]

BARRYMORE: Awight Noel.

NOEL: Michael, what are you doing here?

BARRYMORE: My agent told me to come down. Can you believe it, Channel 4 have bought the rights to the House Party off Michael Leggo. Mr Blobby is moving over for continuity but there's going to be a whole new lineup.

NOEL: Of course I fucking know.  That's why I'm here. I suppose you're auditioning for Sammy the Chamois?

BARRYMORE: I'm a presenter, Noel. No, I'm going for the top job.

NOEL: But that's mine.

BARRYMORE: Will they even let you anywhere near the house? After what happened before?

NOEL: Water under the bridge, mate. My disagreement was with Leggo and the BBC. Now they are out of the picture, Captain N's back to take his rightful place on the throne.

BARRYMORE: I wouldn't be so confident Noel. There's been loads down to audition. Saturday night stalwarts too; Matthew Kelly, Darren Day, John Virgo, Rosemary Ford, Charlie off Casualty. All the megastars. Lisa Maxwell.

NOEL: Bloody hell. Maybe I should audition for another part...

*SIX WEEKS LATER*

JOHN LESLIE: Good evening and welcome to John's House Party, here on Channel 4.

*DING DONG*

LESLIE: Already?

NOEL: Good evening, sir.

LESLIE: Who are you?

NOEL: I'm Barry the Bailiff. I've been given instructions to remove you from the premises and give you a "Barry good kicking"!

*CHEERS*