Billy The Kid and The Green Baize Vampire (1987, directed by Alan Clarke)

[Small Man Big Horse]

Previously on CookdandBombd:

Watched 'Billy The Kid and The Green Baize Vampire' today on London Live. Directed by Alan Clarke, but it felt more like a Ken Russell film.
Fucking odd film.

Billy the Kid and The Green Baize Vampire. It was an early Phil Daniels musical film about snooker(!), and it was bloody ace.

Which both describe the film shockingly accurately, I'm amazed this isn't a really high profile cult classic given how strange yet oddly lovable it is, but also that it's from the director of such jolly ficks as The Firm, Made In Britain and Scum. Imdb describes it as a comedy horror musical but the horror thing is completely misleading, not a drop of blood is spilled in the movie and whilst there's a very slight supernatural element to proceedings it's less disturbing than the Lady and The Tramp. So this is essentially Rocky for snooker fans. Who also enjoy musicals.

And it's the songs that make this bizarre oddity such a fun film, whilst not all quite work there's a surprisingly high hit rate, and Phil Daniels (as a snarky Jimmy White type) turns out to have a lovely singing voice. Meanwhile Alun Armstrong camps it up as someone so obviously based on Ray Reardon I'm surprising he didn't sue them. Now I can certainly see why some might not like it, and it's an imperfect beast, some of the acting wouldn't look out of place in an episode of Only Fools and Horses and certain scenes between Daniels and his manager feel like a bad grungy channel four eighties sitcom. Yet in the context of this ridiculous film it all serves to make it more endearing. It's undoubtedly an oddity, but an incredibly endearing one. 8.4/10

And now, as I was really bored earlier, here's a brief run through all the songs.

Green Stamps - Unfortunately the film off starts badly as Phil does an impersonation of our beloved and grealty missed Brucie in this jauntily mocking song about money. It's not terrible but it's not likeable.

Poker Song - Phil Daniel's manager sings a song about losing games of poker. Awful lyrics make this a ludicrous piece - "When your luck is thin, you couldn't win, a game with five elevens" - but because of that I now love it.

Supersonic Sam's Cosmic Cafe - Bombastic effort which occasionally sounds a bit like Grandaddy and Bowie, though by no means all the time. I genuinely loved it, but I'm still not quite sure what it's all about and how it ties in to the film.

I Bite Back - Armstrung's all pissy about Phil Daniels slagging him off in the press in this sort of Operatic shouty piece which won me over due to Armstrong's passion.

I'm The One - Backstory Song which is ridiculously catchy, and has been stuck in my head for weeks now, despite being often pompous and silly. But maybe that's the point. Can be heard here: https://youtu.be/OyNaq8sdIaI?t=136

Billy The Kid and The Green Baize Vampire - A very 80's power ballad which describes the onscreen snooker action montage in great detail. Amazing. And quite possibly the greatest moment in cinema history.

Snooker! - About how great snooker is! Unfortunately after a string of smashes this is a damp affair, though at least the part where it turns in to a singalong with the crowd makes it bearable.

Kid To Break - "The balls are out on strike. Dracula plays my balls with your eyes. The game is out of order. Your brain ties in a knot. And the fingers on your hands feel like ten knives. You're walking under water. You're throat is dry as rust. Your confidence has just been cauterised." The greatest lyrics of all time? I'd argue the case if drunk enough, that's for sure.

Quack Quack - Rival snooker fans kick off and mock each other's lifestyles. Eh, okay.

Montage Song - All cut to fast paced snooker action. I'm full on in love with this film by this point, it's sublimely absurd yet beautiful stuff.

White Lines Black Cadillac - Sung over the end credits, this jazzy weird effort largely makes no sense to me. Which feels oddly fitting.

It's up on youtube in full, so you have no excuse not to watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmOlvoqJ2S4

Further reading: BFI Review: http://www.screenonline.org.uk/film/id/471094/index.html

Sexy poster:

[kidsick5000]

Once seen, never forgotten.
Saw it in the 80s on C4. Could have sworn Ray Reardon had a cameo.

I'll have to try that YouTube link.
I guess its a curio from a time when the British film industry was at its lowest point.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Fucking hell those title credits look like an Amiga loading screen.

[Dropshadow]

I remember that when it was first shown on Channel 4. I thoroughly enjoyed it, despite not really being into musicals. I was on mushrooms and wine (cheap Chianti) during the broadcast which probably helped, though I did still like it on subsequent viewings (I videotaped it by accident). So it's on Youtube now? Upped just a few months ago, I see - I remember looking for it a few times in the past and it wasn't there. Downloading it now. Thanks!

[itsfredtitmus]

Once seen, never forgotten.
Saw it in the 80s on C4. Could have sworn Ray Reardon had a cameo.

I'll have to try that YouTube link.
I guess its a curio from a time when the British film industry was at its lowest point.

at its best you mean

[itsfredtitmus]

Clarke also did another curio like this - Stars of the Roller State Disco, plays out like Jarman's Jubilee

[kidsick5000]

at its best you mean

No. I mean the homegrown industry was on its uppers. The only British films given a fair shake of the stick were either Merchant Ivory plus clones or London made for London mates and without the legs to be of interest to anyone outside of the home counties.

[itsfredtitmus]

the bfi and film4 funded loads of homegrown talent in the 80s

[Small Man Big Horse]

Clarke also did another curio like this - Stars of the Roller State Disco, plays out like Jarman's Jubilee

Ah, not heard of "Stars Of..." but am attempting to download it now.

[Waking Life]

I waded my way through all the Alan Clarke films / plays in the last year. This wasn't on the BFI boxset, so was my second last one (before Rita, Sue and Bob too, which is also odd). I thought it was great. Stars of the Roller State Disco is probably one of his weakest efforts though. Like the OP, some of those songs buried their way into my head.

Without derailing the thread too much, Road is definitely Clarke's strongest effort from this period. Ahead of The Firm. It's not odd like Billy the Kid, but is still quite unique in its presentation.

[itsfredtitmus]

I waded my way through all the Alan Clarke films / plays in the last year. This wasn't on the BFI boxset, so was my second last one (before Rita, Sue and Bob too, which is also odd). I thought it was great. Stars of the Roller State Disco is probably one of his weakest efforts though. Like the OP, some of those songs buried their way into my head.

Without derailing the thread too much, Road is definitely Clarke's strongest effort from this period. Ahead of The Firm. It's not odd like Billy the Kid, but is still quite unique in its presentation.

ROAD is an absolute masterpiece. No mere 'kitchen sink' piece either
As cerebral as a Roy Andersson and Kubrick

[magval]

I waded my way through all the Alan Clarke films / plays in the last year. This wasn't on the BFI boxset, so was my second last one (before Rita, Sue and Bob too, which is also odd). I thought it was great. Stars of the Roller State Disco is probably one of his weakest efforts though. Like the OP, some of those songs buried their way into my head.

Without derailing the thread too much, Road is definitely Clarke's strongest effort from this period. Ahead of The Firm. It's not odd like Billy the Kid, but is still quite unique in its presentation.

Would you recommend the box?

[itsfredtitmus]

Yes.

[phantom_power]

the bfi and film4 funded loads of homegrown talent in the 80s

But there were loads of articles about what had gone wrong with the British film industry and most of the films were flops, or at least never made a dent in the American market.

[Waking Life]

Would you recommend the box?

Yeah. It's costly, but packed with content. I got it on a flash sale. Not sure if it cost the BFI a lot to pull all of this together (although it's all BBC), but it's as thorough an analysis of Alan Clarke as there will ever be.

Most of his work is miles away from The Firm and Scum. Someone of it very experimental and not as accessible as someone like Mike Leigh certainly. As the film in this topic can attest.

[kidsick5000]

But there were loads of articles about what had gone wrong with the British film industry and most of the films were flops, or at least never made a dent in the American market.

Or the UK market. True homegrown hits were few and far between. Even Four Weddings still had to do that thing of having a reasonably-priced US star in it.
Sure, there was the occasional good film but very few captured the general public. And a number of films that appeared to get funding may have had artistic merit - but they were never going to pack them in on a Friday at the Odeon (that last bit feels like it needs the addition of "down at the seafront at Margate").
And while publicly funded films should not just be looking at the bottom line, it still needed that balance between populist and niche.
Of course, had The Firm been a cinema release, it could have been huge, but probably for the very reasons it was warning against.

[itsfredtitmus]

Yeah. It's costly, but packed with content. I got it on a flash sale. Not sure if it cost the BFI a lot to pull all of this together (although it's all BBC), but it's as thorough an analysis of Alan Clarke as there will ever be.

Most of his work is miles away from The Firm and Scum. Someone of it very experimental and not as accessible as someone like Mike Leigh certainly. As the film in this topic can attest.

Even parts of The Firm and Scum's a bit like that. If you collected all the wordless walking shots from his 'broad' films like Rita, Scum, Firm and Britain you'd get an Elephant's worth

[Waking Life]

Even parts of The Firm and Scum's a bit like that. If you collected all the wordless walking shots from his 'broad' films like Rita, Scum, Firm and Britain you'd get an Elephant's worth

True. Not saying they were necessarily shot in a straightforward way either (Made in Britain is also mainly streadycam), but still generally accessible films and would appeal to the Nick Love audience in a way something like Christine wouldn't.

[itsfredtitmus]

Reminds me of how films like Bronson, Chopper and whatever are always liked by the Love types

[phantom_power]

Reminds me of how films like Bronson, Chopper and whatever are always liked by the Love types

Yeah, they are unable to distinguish the difference between Long Good Friday and Outlaw, or indeed The Firm (1989) and The Firm (2009).

[Small Man Big Horse]

I waded my way through all the Alan Clarke films / plays in the last year. This wasn't on the BFI boxset, so was my second last one (before Rita, Sue and Bob too, which is also odd).

I watched Rita, Sue and Bob Too tonight as it felt like one of those films I really ought to have seen by now, but I've mixed feelings. Call me crazy but seeing a young Jeremy Clarkson lookalike attempting (and mostly succeeding) to fucks school girls just didn't sit well with me. I also found it difficult to particularly like the female leads, but at the same time I did find a fair bit of it quite funny, and the nostalgic factor appealed. If only the girls were a bit older I wouldn't feel so squeamish about it all, but I do. So only 6.4/10 then.

[Ignatius_S]

...Which both describe the film shockingly accurately, I'm amazed this isn't a really high profile cult classic given how strange yet oddly lovable it is, but also that it's from the director of such jolly ficks as The Firm, Made In Britain and Scum...

I think that it's arguably been something of an unchampioned oddity. Most of what I've read are small reviews – and for a long time, would say this was pretty much the extent when people had to rely on print media - that were roughly along the same lines (and probably cribbed from the same sources) and at best, rather damning with faint praise.

I watched Rita, Sue and Bob Too tonight as it felt like one of those films I really ought to have seen by now, but I've mixed feelings. Call me crazy but seeing a young Jeremy Clarkson lookalike attempting (and mostly succeeding) to fucks school girls just didn't sit well with me. I also found it difficult to particularly like the female leads, but at the same time I did find a fair bit of it quite funny, and the nostalgic factor appealed. If only the girls were a bit older I wouldn't feel so squeamish about it all, but I do. So only 6.4/10 then.

Surely that's the point – it's not meant to.

Andrea Dunbar wrote about what she knew – a lot of people didn't like that and some refused to believe the lives being portrayed could have possibly have any basis in reality.

There was a very good article in the Guardian when the Royal Court cancelled a production of Rita, Sue and Bob To (a decision it reversed) -https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/dec/14/royal-court-rita-sue-bob-too-andrea-dunbar-theatre-max-stafford-clark.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I think that it's arguably been something of an unchampioned oddity. Most of what I've read are small reviews – and for a long time, would say this was pretty much the extent when people had to rely on print media - that were roughly along the same lines (and probably cribbed from the same sources) and at best, rather damning with faint praise.

Surely that's the point – it's not meant to.

Andrea Dunbar wrote about what she knew – a lot of people didn't like that and some refused to believe the lives being portrayed could have possibly have any basis in reality.

There was a very good article in the Guardian when the Royal Court cancelled a production of Rita, Sue and Bob To (a decision it reversed) -https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/dec/14/royal-court-rita-sue-bob-too-andrea-dunbar-theatre-max-stafford-clark.

I guess you're right, though I did read that Dunbar fell out with Clarke when he changed the ending, originally the scene where the girls forgive him wasn't included and she was furious about it.

[itsfredtitmus]

I rewatched Rita some week ago and it's gone right up there on my Clarke list (if I had one)
It's sort of the most Clarke, Clarke. A lot of it goes into his other work at the time like Road (Rita and Sue could almost be Carol and Louise, the drunk dad scenes are VERY Road as well) and Christine