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March 29, 2024, 01:11:24 PM

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Access day dad

Started by Dr Syntax Head, March 16, 2018, 04:14:29 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Spoon of Ploff

Access Day Dad develops an interest in making his own wine. You can make wine from pretty much any vegetation... apple wine... pear wine... elderberry... apple and elderberry... elder flower wine... pineapple wine... rosehip wine... hawthorn blossom wine ... nettle wine... oak leaf wine... even onion wine for f**ksake. Who knew?

He can lose entire afternoons staring at mason jars full of fermenting matter (or wine-lings as he jokingly calls them). Tiny bubbles raising in liquids of various colour.. like his hopes for the future.

On weekend visits he tries to interest his son in his new hobby... having him test the alcoholic strength with a hydrometer. But his ex demands to know why the boy always returns smelling of yeast. Calls the whole enterprise pathetic.

Days later he wakes up in hospital after downing an entire batch of three day old marrow wine. The prognosis is not good. He finds that he doesn't care.

Glebe

"Just popped in to collect my Men Behaving Badly VHS tapes... I won't be stopping,"  snorts ADD.

"I found your old Loaded magazines in the cupboard."

"Grand, I'll chuck them in the boot."

Glebe

"Here, who threw my Definitely Maybe CD down the back of the cupboard?!"

"It's not your cupboard anymore. And visiting time is over. Say goodbye to the little 'un and get out."

spamwangler

1992: Access Day Dad's video dating cassette is destroyed by the agency.

Spoon of Ploff

Access Day Dad begins to loath access days as those occasions when he still feels slightly guilty about being pissed out of his tree all the time.


Glebe

"What's this in glove compartment, dad?"

"The Best of Roxy Music."

"No, I mean what is the actual physical thing itself?"

"It's a cassette, son."

"I may be your biological son, but there's no love there."

"Burger King?"

Bazooka

Access day dad, fears his two boys growing up, where they are tall enough to look in the mirror and see his sorry self looking back in the reflection.

Spoon of Ploff

Access Day Dad gets a puppy as a surprise for his boys next visit.

'Dad you know I have allergies.'

Sighing he fetches a brick from the half finished shed at the bottom of the overgrown garden.

spamwangler

Quote from: Glebe on March 31, 2018, 05:52:56 AM
"What's this in glove compartment, dad?"

"The Best of Roxy Music."

"No, I mean what is the actual physical thing itself?"

"It's a cassette, son."

"I may be your biological son, but there's no love there."

"Burger King?"

fantastic

Lemming

"Happy Birthday, son!"

Access Day Dad hands his 22 year old son an encyclopedia on dinosaurs.

"What the f... uh, thanks."

"What's wrong? You love dinosaurs!"

This assumption is based on his son once creating a plasticine model of a dinosaur one afternoon at the age of 5, which was immediately discarded

Bazooka

Access Day Dad calls his son the wrong name 19 times during the day out at Thorpe Park, instead using the name of his son Humphrey from his secret family up north.

Spoon of Ploff

In a desperate last ditch attempt to reconnect with his increasingly hostile and suspicious son, Access Day Dad brings out the xelophone he made out of old cans of Frosty Jacks and bangs out the opening of Breathe by the Prodigy.

"What do you mean you've never heard of the Prodigy? Christ Son. I mean... Christ"

Spoon of Ploff

Just like to say this thread is giving the ol' Desolation III a serious run for its money. Top grimness all round. Beautiful.

Sebastian Cobb

This threads just 'timmy' from Monkey Dust innit?

Glebe

"I wish, that, I knew what I know now... when I was younger."

"Worst singing I've ever heard, sir. Now get out of the car and stick the breathlyser in yer gob."

Bazooka

Access Day Dad has been telling everyone at work for years that he has full custody of his children because their mother died in a "shrimp allergy incident". His game is up when the police show up and tell him to stay at bay, in front of all of his colleagues, on Fathers Day.

Glebe

"Somethin's tellin' me it might be you... it's tellin' me it might be you..."

He knew he shouldn't have put this track on. The tears start flowing as he gropes helplessly for the wine glass.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Access Day Dad pops to B&Q for a bag of tungsten tipped screws.

Using them on Monday. Using them on Monday.

Glebe

"Three-pack of Creme Eggs ain't good enough, 'father'. I know they say that it's the thought that counts, but this is just fucking lazy."

"Well, you've certainly inherited some of my traits, y'cheeky little bugger."

Bazooka

Access Day Dad hides in the loft of the old family home, a single eye gazing down through a peephole onto the family he lost.

Glebe

Quote from: Bazooka on April 02, 2018, 04:15:37 PM
Access Day Dad hides in the loft of the old family home, a single eye gazing down through a peephole onto the family he lost.

Laughed.

ADD enjoys a Top Gear marathon over a curry. He was supposed to take the lad out today, but fuck 'im. Little bastard.

asids

The ex has taken the kids away to Shropshire this weekend so ADD takes it as an opportunity to have a relaxing Saturday night in.

4 cans of Lidl's Woodgate Cider and Boys Will Be Boys by the Ordinary Boys on repeat.

Glebe

"'Go Your Own Way' or 'Big Love'?"

"'Big Love'"

"Get out of the car, Sandra. The date's off."

Sebastian Cobb

Add drops the boy off after yet another weekend of stunted conversation and him spending most of his time round the lad round the corner's house.

He opens up the glovebox and rakes around in it. He double drops some pro plus and whacks Leftfield's Inspection (check one) on the stereo as loud as it will go. For a few minutes nothing matters, that is until he opens his eyes and  realises she's there hammering on the window with a face like thunder.

'alright, alright I'm going!'

Glebe

Pops round to collect the lad. Takes out his iPod and puts on some Massive Attack. Gives the lad a look. Lad ignores him. ADD turns off iPad and goes and waits in car. ELO come on the radio. Mixed feelings of sadness and joy, but mainly sadness. Sighs. Lad gets in car. Nando's.

dex

ADD is planning on getting a couple of brasses for himself and son. Goes to grab the number for his favourite lady off backpage and gets confronted with a US government notice that the page has been shut down.

Glebe

ADD and the lad go paintballing, and actually have a great time. Later, they go for a KFC and are getting on like a house on fire when the boy suddenly pipes up;

"Mum and Gerard are getting engaged! They'd invite you to the little get-together they're planning, but of course Gerard doesn't like you... still, should be a good bash!"

ADD freezes, just as he's dipping a chip into some ketchup. He sighs and looks around himself, blankly.

"...should be a good bash. Yeah. Fuck. Me."

Ten minutes later, the police arrive.

Brundle-Fly

At least this cunt gets access.

The boy starts enthusing about Massive Attack when Teardrop comes on the stereo in the car. "I'm really into them now, Dad. Gerard plays them all the time. He's got us all tickets for the O2 in the summer. Can't wait."

That's the Mezzanine CD in the fucking bin then.

Glebe

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on April 08, 2018, 09:43:36 PMThe boy starts enthusing about Massive Attack when Teardrop comes on the stereo in the car. "I'm really into them now, Dad. Gerard plays them all the time. He's got us all tickets for the O2 in the summer. Can't wait."

That's the Mezzanine CD in the fucking bin then.

"And he's been playing Bjork's Post in the car, it's fucking great!"

"NOOOOOOOO!!! That was our special album!"