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March 28, 2024, 04:58:46 PM

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Access day dad

Started by Dr Syntax Head, March 16, 2018, 04:14:29 PM

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Sebastian Cobb

Dad that angry humming noise you're making sounds a lot like the intro to Joga.

Glebe

"Playing that Minecraft thing again, son? In my day, we only had them 'choose your own adventure' books, heh!"

"Fuck off twat."

Glebe

ADD is taking the lad to the pictures in the car. He decides to take a short cut along a country lane.

"Well lad, looks like we can rev this bitch up a bit now!"

"No dad, slow down!"

60....65...70...

"Come on luv, you can do better than that!"

75...80...90...

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE DAD, SLOW DOWN!"

"Afraid I'll kill a cow, eh, son? Heh, you've not gone veggie now, have you?"

Pushing 100mph...

"YOU FUCKING MANIAC!""

A tractor appears in the near-distance.

"Okay.... easing off, now... easy... easy, girl!"

They slow down until they pass the tractor.

"Right, he's out of the way... pedal to the metal again!"

"Oh for fuck's..."

"Here lad, what do you think of that Sharleen Spiteri? Top shag, in my book! Lad? Lad?!"

The passenger door is swinging open.

H-O-W-L

Quote from: Glebe on April 10, 2018, 03:18:27 PM

"Oh for fuck's..."

"Here lad, what do you think of that Sharleen Spiteri? Top shag, in my book! Lad? Lad?!"

The passenger door is swinging open.

I laughed so hard I spilled my Bulleit while pouring it. Top marks.

H-O-W-L

There's a happy family of four in the flat downstairs. He gets on alright with them.

Sometimes he hears them laughing in the afternoon, when he's trying to kip after working nights.

Dice scatter over a Monopoly board. Cheerful laughing of the daughter and son.

He strokes the hammer under his pillow.

Soon they'll be his new family, too.

So soon.

Beagle 2

ADD decides that it's the right time to introduce his son to Mosely Shoals.

"What did you think?"
"Yeah, they're a bit derivative..."
"A bit what?"
"Derivative. Like, they kind of copy older bands"
"Like The Jam"
"Exactly"
"But The Jam are amazing"
"They're okay"
"You wash your mouth out you chreeky little twat"
"I actually like Ocean Colour Scene, I'm just saying..."
"You're fucking...debidibiv...."
"Right"
"What the fuck do you know about real music?"
"Clearly nothing"
"Right"

Both stare out of the window of KFC in silence for the next seven minutes.

"You want an airgun?"
"No"
"Right"

Glebe

"Here lad, I have Beavis and Butt-Head Do America on a DVD for us to watch! You like Beavis and Butt-Head, don't you, lad?"

"So we're going old skool for Movie Night tonight, eh?"

"Eh?! But all the kids are watching this now, aren't they?"

"Well, it's a bit before kids' time now, dad, to be fair. Being a budding comedy aficionado, though, I myself am quite aware of them, and enjoy their cult 1990's antics!"

"For fuck's... so what cartoons are popular now?"

"Rick and Morty is riding a wave at the moment, but I imagine that will burn itself out soon enough."

"I don't know what's going on."

Glebe

THE WIFE arrives to collect THE LAD.

ADD: Well at last she turns up... he's been running around pell-mell, he's made a right mess of my living room!

THE WIFE: I'd hardly call a couple of jaffa cakes and a The Very Best of Ralph McTell CD on the carpet a 'right mess'.

ADD: Well, it's time for him to go! He's in the kitchenette.

She leaves with the boy. ADD grabs a warm can of Tennent's and settles down with a taped VHS compilation of the Geoffrey Palmer-narrated series Grumpy Old Men.

Bazooka

Access Day Dad's children see father being buggered by a gang of bikers in the car park of a burnt out Little Chef on the A14, as they go past in the new Dad's Audi Q7.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Bazooka on April 14, 2018, 10:25:33 AM
Access Day Dad's children see father being buggered by a gang of bikers in the car park of a burnt out Little Chef on the A14, as they go past in the new Dad's Audi Q7.

I hope they notice his head turns just in time to see their faces staring open-mouthed from the rain flecked windows of the Audi.