The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

[Replies From View]

Watch this

Wonderful stuff!

Two people on YouTube have given it a thumbs-down, presumably expecting a leaked copy of the actual movie.

[Jerzy Bondov]

Watch this

fucking hell! YES

All of Jerzy Bondov's extensive critique of the decline of Marilyn Manson's album cover art, over in Nags' MM thread in Oscillations, particularly the pay-off. Great stuff. Go and have a butchers if you haven't already.

Killed the thread stone dead though didn't it?

[daf]

I don't know when it first appeared, but every time I read "Dave Bowie and The Davie Bowie Band (feat. Dave Bowie)" I laugh like a drain.

Made it at last!!

Rather than appearing fully formed, it evolved over several years - as we can see in the following 'trumpet blowing' sequence :

Original demo :

The Dame (from the Dave Bowie Band)

Getting there :

28 February 1980: Presenter: David 'Kid' Jensen
(23)    DAVE BOWIE AND THE DAVE BOWIE BAND – Alabama Song (and credits)

Polished up :

6 October 1983: Presenters: David Jensen & John Peel (Roman Soldiers Special)
(2) DAVE BOWIE & THE DAVE BOWIE BAND feat. DAVE BOWIE – Modern Love (video)

2019 Remix :

"Dame Dave Bowie & the Dave Bowie Band feat. Dame Dave Bowie and the Story of Arnold Corns & The Thin White Men Who Sold The wuzz-a-wuzz-a-World as they fell wanking to the floor hearing the sound of man-do-l-i-i-i-ins while hoarding jars of piss in the fridge"

[Alberon]

Didn't Mark and Lard do a variation on that?

[PlanktonSideburns]

Madhairs discusting furious rickygervais comic had me howling

[daf]

Didn't Mark and Lard do a variation on that?

Oh balls - you're right!

From this 2013 post - (referencing a 1999 'Dave Bowie & The Dave Bowie Band' session) - it looks like the phrase is actually from Mark & Lard after all!

I had completely forgotten about that - it must have just seeped into my subconscious without me realising it.

All credit to Scrawn & Lard!

[Dex Sawash]

OXFORD PUB
TIME: SEPIA

C.S. LEWIS: "Hello I'm C.S. Lewis I'll have a pint of foaming ale, please"

BARTENDER: "Right you are, me laddy. That'll be five U.K. pounds."

C.S. LEWIS: "Cheers, as we all say."

C.S. LEWIS LOOKS FOR A TABLE IN THE CROWDED "PUB" (SEE GLOSSARY). FINDS THE ONLY FREE SEAT. THE OTHER PERSON AT THE TABLE WEARS TWEED AND SMOKES A PIPE IS SUCKING ON A LOLLIPOP.

J.R.R. TOLKIEN: "I am J.R.R. Tolkien, please, sit."

C.S. LEWIS: "Why thank you very much my good man I am politely obliged, of course, your majesty."

J.R.R. TOLKIEN RAISES AN EYEBROW, QUISLINGLY

C.S. LEWIS (nervous): "I say, what about that Edward the King that we're all talking about during this era?"

J.R.R. TOLKIEN PUFFS ON HIS LOLLIPOP

J.R.R. TOLKIEN: "Mhm."

C.S. LEWIS (Britishly): Well, yes, ah... Um, well, what's that you're reading there, my chap friend?"

J.R.R. TOLKIEN: "Oh this? Just some piffle I put together about a small hairy man."

J.R.R. TOLKIEN SMILES ENIGMATICALLY

C.S. LEWIS: A small hairy man you say? What, like that chap bloke in the corner? Like him you mean?"

C.S. LEWIS GESTURES TOWARDS A STRANGE MAN IN THE CORNER. THEY BOTH OBSERVE HIM

STRANGE MAN: "I do beg your pardon, but my name ist Albert Einstein"

ENTIRE CAST EXCHANGE RAISED EYEBROWS

[PlanktonSideburns]

Glebe mqcace update and the sonic film

[Ferris]

Kittens after being admonished for not cooking an omelette correctly, particularly the first line.

eggs is eggs bitch and cooking nothing but putting it on hot metal. how come when to go to the omelette shop like 'guess i'll have another omelette' it still tastes rank if the problem is with me. i don't work in the omelette shop bitch.

make me an omelette to change my mind.

[Chollis]

seconding marquis_de_sad's Tolkien extracts, stellar work

[Glebe]

Glebe mqcace update

[madhair60]

...the drunken obnoxious fellow who thought that the Stone Roses doc Made Of Stone required a kind of DVD commentary, whether the rest of the audience liked it or not. Every single snippet of music or footage was soon followed by "HHHEYA I REMEMBER THIS. I WAS THERE. 1990 MATE FUCKING IAN BROWN. YEAH THAT WAS THE WAY. TUNE. ACTUAL FUCKING TUNE MATE". Repeat for about 90 mins. The only moment of pleasure was when his friends tried to get him to shut the fuck up for two nanoseconds, only for him to reply "NO. THEY HAVE TO KNOW. THEY HAVE...TO KNOW". It was all in the insistence. That made me smile.

[BJBMK2]

Stone Roses drunky man

I thought this looked familiar...

Same man turned up about two years later, to a screening of the new version of The Wall that Roger Waters put out.  Was less annoying then last time, but he still insisted that he knew Roger Waters, to anyone lucky enough to be sat within 30 seats of him, and then tried dancing to Nobody Home. The sad, slow, moving ballad that is Nobody Home...being raved to.

It somehow worked.

[a duncandisorderly]

I thought this looked familiar...

Same man turned up about two years later, to a screening of the new version of The Wall that Roger Waters put out.  Was less annoying then last time, but he still insisted that he knew Roger Waters, to anyone lucky enough to be sat within 30 seats of him, and then tried dancing to Nobody Home. The sad, slow, moving ballad that is Nobody Home...being raved to.

It somehow worked.

ee, that john robb. no shame.

[Twed]

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,72209.msg3773200.html#msg3773200

Somehow it's him saying the word "accept" that makes this so funny. Always twisting the context to serve his single-mindedness.

[St_Eddie]

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,72209.msg3773200.html#msg3773200

Somehow it's him saying the word "accept" that makes this so funny. Always twisting the context to serve his single-mindedness.

I'd take credit for that post but no man or woman born can control what the cookie monster does and says.

[PlanktonSideburns]

I'd take credit for that post but no man or woman born can control what the cookie monster does and says.

That's why he's not on twitter any more

[madhair60]

INT: QUEEN'S VAN, NIGHT.

QUEEN have just finished playing one of their first gigs, which has gone quite well.

BRIAN MAY: Did you hear that, lads? Not a bad response, eh?
JOHN DEACON: Yes, I guess you could say that tonight...we are the champions!
ROGER TAYLOR: Calm down, John. It went quite well but there's no need to get above ourselves. It was only our first gig and maybe the next one won't go as smoothly.
JOHN DEACON: Yeah, fair enough, sorry.
FREDDIE MERCURY: (twiddling with the knob of the van radio) I think this bloody radio is broken, I can't pick up a thing.
JOHN DEACON: Here, Freddie, I bet that must be driving you...radio ga-ga!
FREDDIE MERCURY: You what?
ROGER TAYLOR: I don't understand, John. That's not an existing phrase. What are you on about?
JOHN DEACON: I dunno, it was just something to say, wasn't it?
ROGER TAYLOR: Was it?
JOHN DEACON: Yeah.
BRIAN MAY: Shut up, John.
JOHN DEACON: Fuck me, you lot are always getting at me. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I think....I want to break free!
BRIAN MAY: What, from the band?
JOHN DEACON: No...no, I still want to be in the band. Please still let me be in the band. I was just doing one of those things they have in these. You know, like if it was Frank Sinatra and his mate had a spare ticket for a helicopter ride and said "Here, Frank, if you want you can COME FLY WITH ME" and then Frank looks at the camera and says "Hey, that gives me an idea!"
FREDDIE MERCURY: What the FUCK are you on about, John?
BRIAN MAY: Yeah, John, I'm confuuuuuuuused. What do you mean "one of those things they have in these"? What camera?
FREDDIE MERCURY: Sort your life out, John, you fucking sigh.
(they are silent for thirty seconds, than a loud car alarm goes off and they all jump)
FREDDIE MERCURY: Fucking hell, one of them things can really put the willies up a geezer!
BRIAN MAY: Eh?
FREDDIE MERCURY: You know, give a bloke the right wiggins!
ROGER TAYLOR: Pardon?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (exasparated) You know, scare a mush! SCARE A MUSH!
JOHN DEACON: (sings) Will you do the fandaaaaaango!
FREDDIE MERCURY: Oh, for fucks sake, John, you dry lunch! Will you put a sock in it?
BRIAN MAY: Yeahhhhhh, John. You're always coming out with these non sequiturs. It's nooooot coooool.
ROGER TAYLOR: No-one ever knows what you're talking about, John. You're a hard guy to be around. You're always ruining the flow of conversation. You're always just saying nonsensical shit hoping to get god knows what kind of reaction out of people. I don't understand it.
JOHN DEACON: Yeah, I guess I..."Mustapha" problem!
ROGER TAYLOR: Well, I'm glad you're finally acknowledging it, John. Yes, I expect you must have a problem, you're right.
JOHN DEACON: No, "Mustapha" problem. Like 'Mustapha', the opening album track from our 1979 album 'Jazz'.
FREDDIE MERCURY: What's he on abaht nahhhhhh?! It can only be about 1971 or something and we haven't recorded any albums yet. The geezer's gone tonto.
ROGER TAYLOR: He's stone cold crazy.
BRIAN MAY: I'm starting to wish he'd make himself invisible, maaaaaan.
FREDDIE MERCURY: Wait a minute, Brian. Invisible? Man? THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA!
JOHN DEACON: And that is the story of Queen.

THE END

[DistressedArea]

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Hey concepts mate, u ever gobbed down a foreskin mate?

[spam link removed -BAdmin]

[paruses]

Some of the jokes have really made me laugh but I liked this little subversion:

Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

[king_tubby]

That is excellent. I might steal it and put it on the tweets.

[Captain Z]

Finally I've made it. Only took 43 pages, not that I've been counting. Feel free to bird it.

[BlodwynPig]

Finally I've made it. Only took 43 pages, not that I've been counting. Feel free to bird it.

*chortle*

[Ferris]

Finally I've made it. Only took 43 pages, not that I've been counting. Feel free to bird it.

You've made me laugh a few times with pithy one-liners, I just haven't posted them in here because I'm lazy. I assume that is why every one of my posts isn't festooned across these pages - you're all bloody loving them but you're all very lazy.

Not sure if that soothes or infuriates, but there it is.

[BlodwynPig]

You've made me laugh a few times with pithy one-liners, I just haven't posted them in here because I'm lazy. I assume that is why every one of my posts isn't festooned across these pages - you're all bloody loving them but you're all very lazy.

Not sure if that soothes or infuriates, but there it is.

*straight-face*

[Lordofthefiles]

You knew it would come when you started this thread. You wanted it to come.

Nutkins Nut Gone Flake

Absolutely glorious!

[magval]

Machotrouts in the bad film clichés thread, on the subject of characters who have a cough collapsing or dying late on.

Weirdest use of this I can remember is Ashley Peacock the helium butcher in Coronation Street. In 2010, after the explosion at The Joinery (original version of Nick's Bistro), he and some other fellers were trapped inside, and they had a scene of him coughing up blood and looking very meaningful and portentous about it, like he knows the end is nigh. Few scenes later, the roof collapses on him.

The way I've described it makes it sound like a deliberate comic subversion, but it really did seem like whoever wrote that episode just considers being squashed by a bistro the logical consequence of having a bad cough. Ashley was helping the other blokes out of the debris first and it was all very sacrificial and noble, with a sort of go on without me lads, I've got a gammy throat, probably not going to make it anyway tone. It's like the writer was vaguely familiar with the cough thing as a trope so just crowbarred it in without actually understanding it. Ah, he's going to die later... better make him cough.

[Ferris]

Machotrouts in the bad film clichés thread, on the subject of characters who have a cough collapsing or dying late on.

This got me as well. Lovely stuff.

[Barry Admin]

Just a note in general here; please, if you are quoting or replying to a spam post then don't include any links they have posted, thanks.

[Pingers]

The whole of the current last page of the Desolation thread is great, but I liked this by pancreas the best and it had me proper burst out laughing

Caroline Quentin deploys a dirty bomb in Aylesbury, wiping out a struggling duck farm and a hospice.